What's there to be ashamed of for living with your folks still?

[Lil devils x_v1legacy]

Assuming that relationships are going to be abusive is not the " norm" it is fine to project the " norm". Of course not everyone dissatisfied with their home situation can move out, usually they are not, regardless of staying with friends, family or neighbors. That does not suddenly entitle the person in need of a home to tell the people who do own the home how their house should be run. If they cannot respect the people who own the home's lifestyle and preferences, whether that is going to bed at 8pm or waking up at 4am, they can make their own way.

No one said it would be " easy", but yes there are always other options, even if that means living in a tent, homeless shelter or sleeping on a friends couch. I have lived on my own since I was 15, and out of stubbornness not to fail and return to my parents home during that time was homeless on multiple occasions, and that was entirely by choice. There is nothing set in stone that says you have to return to their home, even if you are homeless. It is a matter of if you value your independence more than your comfort. I personally valued my independence.. even when that meant sleeping in a field. Sometimes, yes, it does take those extremes to live by your own rules.

It may not be the norm but it's not particularly uncommon either. Abuse is usually psychological, although that may be in conjunction with physical or financial abuse, so it's not always as simple as someone continuing to live in that situation valuing their own comfort over their independence.

When a child is old enough there should be negotiation and discussion over what they think is fair, and everyone's feelings ought to be considered. All relationships involve compromise, and saying that it's okay for a parent to impose whatever rules they want without caring how their child feels about it is completely unreasonable. A child shouldn't decide that they can just run the house and do whatever they want. A parent shouldn't think that they can impose whatever rules and restrictions they want, and not treat their child like an autonomous human being, just because it's their house. They chose to have a child, and they should treat that child with respect just like the child should do for them. Respect isn't only to be afforded to parents. Saying that someone deserves what they get because they can always choose to be homeless strikes me as a bit ridiculous. That you felt you needed to be homeless in order to maintain your independence is sad and unfair, and I'm sorry you were in that situation. But doesn't help to shame people who don't make the same decision.

A child expecting to change the house rules because they don't like them is not fair to the parents as well. After a child is an adult, what should be sat down and discussed is what steps they will be taking to build their own life for themselves, not how they can change the household rules to accommodate them. Trying to make parents change the rules for an adult child makes as much sense as the child trying to make friends, coworkers, employers or neighbors change their rules for them as well. They are not entitled to have the rules changed for them, no more than anyone else is. Why should their " feelings" take priority over their parents feelings, health and well being? The parents did their job already and raised them, they do not owe it to the child to cater to their whims simply because that is how the child " feels about it". If it is waking the parents up for the child to be coming and going after the parents are asleep, for example, that is imposing upon the parents health and well being and the child should leave if they cannot keep from doing so, they should make their own way and let their parents have their rest when they need it.

It wasn't sad or unfair that I chose to be homeless than have others make the rules for me, it was my choice to do so, I could return there if I wanted to. I have never felt that anyone owed me anything, nor am I entitled to have them bend the rules for me. I did not wallow in self pitty over my choices. I did what I chose to do, as can anyone in the same situation.

Respect isn't being only afforded to the parents, the child can do as they please if they have their own house as well, however, if they are staying with anyone, whether it be parents, neighbors, coworkers, friends or employers, they should not expect to put out the people giving them shelter to put their own feelings, health and well being aside to accommodate them instead. It would be terribly arrogant to ask anyone to do so.

I can't imagine asking someone to allow me to stay with them and then also trying to make them change their rules for me to do so? And then on top of it all thinking I am entitled to it? Seriously? That is pretty obnoxious. Why would they even think twice about telling me, "Thanks but no thanks.. good luck."
I sure as hell wouldn't want someone coming to me trying to impose all that on me as well. You can offer your help on your terms, and they can take it or leave it, not expect you to change what you are offering to do because of " feelings." Them offering shelter is a gift, take it or leave it. If you don't like their offer, yes, you can go make your own way. When someone gives you a gift, you do not create the terms of that gift. You can accept the gift or decline it.

The only reason anyone should feel shame in that situation is if they acted like a self centered, entitled, spoiled brat and that they actually thought they should be making demands on people that are kind enough to offer them shelter to begin with. I cant even imagine what goes through someones mind that they think they should expect people to give them gifts on their terms..

What doesn't help is attempting to shame or guilt those who are generous enough in the first place to take someone into their home into putting their own needs aside even further rather than thank them for their efforts. That is a pretty messed up thing to do. Yes, it may not be the ideal situation living under someone else's rules, but at least you have someone willing to allow you to.

 

[manic_depressive13]

A child expecting to change the house rules because they don't like them is not fair to the parents as well. After a child is an adult, what should be sat down and discussed is what steps they will be taking to build their own life for themselves, not how they can change the household rules to accommodate them. Trying to make parents change the rules for an adult child makes as much sense as the child trying to make friends, coworkers, employers or neighbors change their rules for them as well. They are not entitled to have the rules changed for them, no more than anyone else is. Why should their " feelings" take priority over their parents feelings, health and well being? The parents did their job already and raised them, they do not owe it to the child to cater to their whims simply because that is how the child " feels about it". If it is waking the parents up for the child to be coming and going after the parents are asleep, for example, that is imposing upon the parents health and well being and the child should leave if they cannot keep from doing so, they should make their own way and let their parents have their rest when they need it.

It wasn't sad or unfair that I chose to be homeless than have others make the rules for me, it was my choice to do so, I could return there if I wanted to. I have never felt that anyone owed me anything, nor am I entitled to have them bend the rules for me. I did not wallow in self pitty over my choices. I did what I chose to do, as can anyone in the same situation.

Respect isn't being only afforded to the parents, the child can do as they please if they have their own house as well, however, if they are staying with anyone, whether it be parents, neighbors, coworkers, friends or employers, they should not expect to put out the people giving them shelter to put their own feelings, health and well being aside to accommodate them instead. It would be terribly arrogant to ask anyone to do so.

I can't imagine asking someone to allow me to stay with them and then also trying to make them change their rules for me to do so? And then on top of it all thinking I am entitled to it? Seriously? That is pretty obnoxious. Why would they even think twice about telling me, "Thanks but no thanks.. good luck."
I sure as hell wouldn't want someone coming to me trying to impose all that on me as well. You can offer your help on your terms, and they can take it or leave it, not expect you to change what you are offering to do because of " feelings." Them offering shelter is a gift, take it or leave it. If you don't like their offer, yes, you can go make your own way. When someone gives you a gift, you do not create the terms of that gift. You can accept the gift or decline it.

The only reason anyone should feel shame in that situation is if they acted like a self centered, entitled, spoiled brat and that they actually thought they should be making demands on people that are kind enough to offer them shelter to begin with. I cant even imagine what goes through someones mind that they think they should expect people to give them gifts on their terms..

What doesn't help is attempting to shame or guilt those who are generous enough in the first place to take someone into their home into putting their own needs aside even further rather than thank them for their efforts. That is a pretty messed up thing to do. Yes, it may not be the ideal situation living under someone else's rules, but at least you have someone willing to allow you to.

I don't know why you're bringing up trivial things like making noise at night, when that's not what I'm talking about. Your examples are trivial, but then you say that in general someone can impose whatever demands they like on a child (or someone in their home), and treat them however they want, and if they don't like it it's that person's fault for not becoming homeless. I'm glad you enjoyed being homeless and feel like it was a choice, but that isn't the case for most people and that standard isn't reasonable.

For an example of my own, if a parent is invading a child's privacy to an extreme degree, or punishing them for using antidepressants or something, that's fucked up and unreasonable. A teenager absolutely has a right to expect privacy, or go to the doctor if they are depressed, or want birth control, or for some other reason that their parents may not approve. But you seem to think they should just go live on the streets if they have an issue with that, because their parents already did their "job" and didn't manage to kill the kid already.

 

[Lil devils x_v1legacy]

A child expecting to change the house rules because they don't like them is not fair to the parents as well. After a child is an adult, what should be sat down and discussed is what steps they will be taking to build their own life for themselves, not how they can change the household rules to accommodate them. Trying to make parents change the rules for an adult child makes as much sense as the child trying to make friends, coworkers, employers or neighbors change their rules for them as well. They are not entitled to have the rules changed for them, no more than anyone else is. Why should their " feelings" take priority over their parents feelings, health and well being? The parents did their job already and raised them, they do not owe it to the child to cater to their whims simply because that is how the child " feels about it". If it is waking the parents up for the child to be coming and going after the parents are asleep, for example, that is imposing upon the parents health and well being and the child should leave if they cannot keep from doing so, they should make their own way and let their parents have their rest when they need it.

It wasn't sad or unfair that I chose to be homeless than have others make the rules for me, it was my choice to do so, I could return there if I wanted to. I have never felt that anyone owed me anything, nor am I entitled to have them bend the rules for me. I did not wallow in self pitty over my choices. I did what I chose to do, as can anyone in the same situation.

Respect isn't being only afforded to the parents, the child can do as they please if they have their own house as well, however, if they are staying with anyone, whether it be parents, neighbors, coworkers, friends or employers, they should not expect to put out the people giving them shelter to put their own feelings, health and well being aside to accommodate them instead. It would be terribly arrogant to ask anyone to do so.

I can't imagine asking someone to allow me to stay with them and then also trying to make them change their rules for me to do so? And then on top of it all thinking I am entitled to it? Seriously? That is pretty obnoxious. Why would they even think twice about telling me, "Thanks but no thanks.. good luck."
I sure as hell wouldn't want someone coming to me trying to impose all that on me as well. You can offer your help on your terms, and they can take it or leave it, not expect you to change what you are offering to do because of " feelings." Them offering shelter is a gift, take it or leave it. If you don't like their offer, yes, you can go make your own way. When someone gives you a gift, you do not create the terms of that gift. You can accept the gift or decline it.

The only reason anyone should feel shame in that situation is if they acted like a self centered, entitled, spoiled brat and that they actually thought they should be making demands on people that are kind enough to offer them shelter to begin with. I cant even imagine what goes through someones mind that they think they should expect people to give them gifts on their terms..

What doesn't help is attempting to shame or guilt those who are generous enough in the first place to take someone into their home into putting their own needs aside even further rather than thank them for their efforts. That is a pretty messed up thing to do. Yes, it may not be the ideal situation living under someone else's rules, but at least you have someone willing to allow you to.

I don't know why you're bringing up trivial things like making noise at night, when that's not what I'm talking about. Your examples are trivial, but then you say that in general someone can impose whatever demands they like on a child (or someone in their home), and treat them however they want, and if they don't like it it's that person's fault for not becoming homeless. I'm glad you enjoyed being homeless and feel like it was a choice, but that isn't the case for most people and that standard isn't reasonable.

For an example of my own, if a parent is invading a child's privacy to an extreme degree, or punishing them for using antidepressants or something, that's fucked up and unreasonable. A teenager absolutely has a right to expect privacy, or go to the doctor if they are depressed, or want birth control, or for some other reason that their parents may not approve. But you seem to think they should just go live on the streets if they have an issue with that, because their parents already did their "job" and didn't manage to kill the kid already.

You may find making noises at night to be trivial, but people who are tired and health declining due to being woken up repeatedly do not. The reason I bring up noises at night, is it is usually the number one complaint parents have about their adult children. Treat them however they want? No one said to abuse them, we are talking about house rules here, things such as curfews, letting parents know when you are coming and going, the normal things that exist in most homes. If the person cannot abide by simple house rules, yea they can leave. It matters not if it is parent , neighbor, friend, employer situation that still applies. You attempting to insert abuse into having rules is your own hang up, not what the standard situation would be. That is the exception, not the rule, and we are not talking about the exception here.You are trying to compare abuse to normal living practices, and that is not the same at all, nor does it represent the majority. Most parents are not going to punish children for talking their medication.. YIKES.

In addition, in an abuse situation, the course of action is to remove the abused from the abusers, not try to make the abusers change. That has been known to fail miserably, so it is pointless to even discuss trying to make the abusers change. In that situation, yes the abused/ abuser is expected to leave as well, call hotline, find a victims shelter and get the help they need to break free from such things. Not stay there and negotiate. The only way they make the abuser leave is if they arrest them and the abused actually has partial ownership of the property, otherwise they arrest the abuser and the abused leave as a well.

Even in an abuse situation, it isn't like they can force the owners to let you stay there. You do not get ownership rights simply because they were abusive, you still have to find your on place even in that situation unless you actually own the property.

In addition, what one person may think is their right to privacy and what the law states are two different things. If a parent can be legally held responsible for anything in their home, they have a right to know what is in there. It reminds me of the shock on middle schoolers faces when that officer gave a lecture on computer/ internet crime a few weeks ago when he told parents that they are responsible for everything on their child's computers, their phones and their tablets since legally they are in their house, so anything criminal on there would make them liable for it being there. The officer was telling parents they need to keep track of everything on the child's phone, computer and tablet and make sure they know where/ what is going on. This is what is considered to be good parenting, not invasion of privacy, regardless of what the child may consider "private". If it exists on the device that is in their home, it is their legal responsibility, and they are the ones who could be arrested for not knowing what is there as well. They can hold the parents legally responsible if the child is downloading child porn, for example, so it should be made understood in their home, nothing should be on those devices that a parent is not allowed to see.
If the parent or home owner can be legally liable for it being in their house, it is not private, as privacy ends when another person begins. They have every right to know everything that is in their home. If you do not wish to share it with them, do not bring it into the home.

Reminds me of my friend Chris growing up, always pissed his mom went through his room, found his weed and threw it out. Ironically, when the police came in and searched his room, they found the cocaine that his mother overlooked and arrested her for it since she was the one home at the time. She should have done a better job searching and threw that out too eh?

 

[Cowabungaa]

You're being ridiculous. You finding my view offensive doesn't make my view bigoted. Try to expand your horizons a bit, mate.

The irony is real here, considering your complete lack of understanding for contexts, situations and people different from you. All you say is what you did, what kind of person you are and then use that as a template on how, apparently, everyone else should act.

But yes, you're right. It's not finding your view offensive that makes your view bigoted. It's the unreasonable, intolerant, narrow-minded generalizations with no ground in reality or rational fact that you make about people that simply didn't do what you did that makes your views bigoted. How you call people who think it's easier to live with their parents 'probably coddled babies who didn't work a day in their lives' and are 'immature' without knowing anything about their individual circumstances, that is bigoted. Calling people 'pathetic' with 'a lack of discipline' without knowing anything about them but one out-of-context fact, that is bigoted. And then proclaiming how it's a sign of an entire generation 'going bad' simply because they didn't do what you did, that is bigoted.

In short, you show complete disregard for context and make unfounded, intolerant, generalized and insulting statements that have no basis in fact. And that's not cool and why you got that warning from the mods.

That last bit is of course my assumption, but you can always contact a mod and ask for the rationale behind your warning. Feel free to ask them yourself, but I think it's because you were uncivil and insulting in that post. You showed a bigoted disregard for everyone who, say, wants to take care of their elderly or ailing parents, who are in areas with different economical situations than yours, who require physical assistance that their parents want to provide, who suffer from mental health problems or who simply are different people from different cultures in different situations for myriads of reasons.

But instead of thinking about all of that you called everyone who lives with their parents over the age of 20 pathetic, showing a staggering degree of ignorance sadly.

 

[manic_depressive13]

You may find making noises at night to be trivial, but people who are tired and health declining due to being woken up repeatedly do not. The reason I bring up noises at night, is it is usually the number on complaint parents have about their adult children. Treat them however they want? No one said to abuse them, we are talking about house rules here, things such as curfews, letting parents know when you are coming and going, the normal things that exist in most homes. If the person cannot abide by simple house rules, yea they can leave. It matters not if it is parent , neighbor, friend, employer situation that still applies. You attempting to insert abuse into having rules is your own hang up, not what the standard situation would be. That is the exception, not the rule, and we are not talking about the exception here.You are trying to compare abuse to normal living practices, and that is not the same at all, nor does it represent the majority. Most parents are not going to punish children for talking their medication.. YIKES.

You specifically said that children shouldn't think they can have a "landlord/tenant" situation which would cover things like being considerate of others in your house, not making noise at night, and so on. You said that whatever rules they deem appropriate for their children because, as parents, they are allowed to do that. I mentioned invasions of privacy. I know a lot of parents for example who think it's okay to open their kid's mail, and I would even say most parents. That's not necessarily abusive but it's the kind of thing that causes tension in parent-child relationships, where a child gets older and the parents still refuse to respect their autonomy and space.

The emphasis on how a child shouldn't have the right to negotiate their boundaries, even if it's something like not wanting to have to have to inform their parents of their whereabouts all the time, is what I found super dodgy. As adults they should be able to set boundaries. Expecting that to change because they don't like it isn't ungrateful or disrespectful. It's normal to discuss rules you don't like with the people imposing them. It's fair to resent your parents' rules while continuing to live with them if they are unreasonable or abusive because you don't want to be homeless.

Edit: I should mention that while most parents aren't abusive, every single- every single- person with abusive parents I know has been shamed and dismissed for being ungrateful, and told they should leave if they don't like it.

 

[Lil devils x_v1legacy]

You may find making noises at night to be trivial, but people who are tired and health declining due to being woken up repeatedly do not. The reason I bring up noises at night, is it is usually the number on complaint parents have about their adult children. Treat them however they want? No one said to abuse them, we are talking about house rules here, things such as curfews, letting parents know when you are coming and going, the normal things that exist in most homes. If the person cannot abide by simple house rules, yea they can leave. It matters not if it is parent , neighbor, friend, employer situation that still applies. You attempting to insert abuse into having rules is your own hang up, not what the standard situation would be. That is the exception, not the rule, and we are not talking about the exception here.You are trying to compare abuse to normal living practices, and that is not the same at all, nor does it represent the majority. Most parents are not going to punish children for talking their medication.. YIKES.

You specifically said that children shouldn't think they can have a "landlord/tenant" situation which would cover things like being considerate of others in your house, not making noise at night, and so on. You said that whatever rules they deem appropriate for their children because, as parents, they are allowed to do that. I mentioned invasions of privacy. I know a lot of parents for example who think it's okay to open their kid's mail, and I would even say most parents. That's not necessarily abusive but it's the kind of thing that causes tension in parent-child relationships, where a child gets older and the parents still refuse to respect their autonomy and space.

The emphasis on how a child shouldn't have the right to negotiate their boundaries, even if it's something like not wanting to have to have to inform their parents of their whereabouts all the time, is what I found super dodgy. As adults they should be able to set boundaries. Expecting that to change because they don't like it isn't ungrateful or disrespectful. It's normal to discuss rules you don't like with the people imposing them. It's fair to resent your parents' rules while continuing to live with them if they are unreasonable or abusive because you don't want to be homeless.

I am saying they should not assume their parents would ever be okay with a landlord / tenant situation because it is their house, and the child is not entitled to have parents turn their home into an apartment for someone just because they think they should. In the end, it is up to the parents what they want to do. if the parents never had any intention of renting out their home, they should not be pressured to do so. Adults can set " boundaries' when adults are on their own. The parents are setting the boundaries in their own house, you can agree to those or not live there. You don't get to pick and choose what parts get to be adult and what parts gets to be kid. Saying I want my mommy and daddy to take care of me but I want to make the rules too. Nope. Not happening. When you get your own home, you make the rules, not before then.

Read what I added to that post about privacy. No, your phone, tablet, Pc are not private, nor is anything in their home when they are the ones who can go to jail for it. Your privacy ends when another person begins.

 

[eberhart]

Given the economic state of the world today, we're gonna be seeing a LOT of multi-generational households soon.

Not only because of that. Turns out this particular model was (and is) far more common and normal. I guess people who tend to preach/parrot some FOTM definition of independence/maturity/whatever only make themselves even more oblivious.

For example:

Note "traditional", as in: "what is accepted regardless of FOTM, peers competing with each other or whatever being served by media conglomerates, often regurgitating some half-baked version of "American Dream" across continents.

absolute nuclear family - no cohabitation of married children with their parents
egalitarian nuclear family - no cohabitation of married children with their parents
authoritarian family - cohabitation of the married heir with parents
exogamous community family - cohabitation of married sons and their parents
endogamous community family - cohabitation of married sons with their parents

Full explanation, including details irrelevant to this subject, can be found here:
https://hbdchick.wordpress.com/2011/07/01/lexplication-de-lideologie/

So there, it's not even about a single child living with their parents - we're talking married couples. Huh...

I find it funny how privacy is a concern, while, in reality, many people going independent have to share a flat in the beginning. I spent about a half of my adult life living like this - two, three people in one room, in a building with multiple rooms like that. I am pretty sure living with family gives much more privacy than a bunch of people who are often merely a convenience for each other, not friends. As for "independence" - I can't recall any "spiritual ascension" or "enlightenment" from all that - I suspect people prefer to imagine some sort of "level up" effect as a prize for their trouble whether it happens or not. Sure, there are many things you have to deal with and multiple conflicts to resolve when living on your own, but they happen regardless of where you live. It's how you deal with them that matters - not whether you share a house with your parents at the time.

Hell, even this map is showing my country as blue, while, in reality, the last three generations were anything but that. One of my grandfathers simply moved in with his inlaws. If anything, he had more issues with the fact he was poor like shit compared with them - and, perhaps, some of the joys of having a mother in law living right next to you Thing is, we're talking rural region where people barely left the age when entire family lived in one room 24/7. Which is why I'm chuckling every time folks on the internet declare some "gold standards" of privacy, intimacy, healthy relationship and so on.

Another grandfather lived in a shack for years, while building a house with... a bunch of his neighbors. Yep, they basically helped each other (probably no one was around to tell them only children needed it ) to build houses, "appropriating" material, organising skilled labor for semi-legal shifts, taking care of dozens of small children. This sort of closed-knit communities doesn't exist anymore though - and the overall climate of rebuilding a country from ruins contributed a lot. Thing is, his eldest, 60+, son lives with them to this day with his wife and 40-ish son. Nobody has ever given a shit. If anything, their son has much bigger issue being alcoholic than "immature".

Other kids had to move out because 6 of them simply wouldn't fit in that house. "Luckily" for them, they were a part of demographic explosion, which made getting a flat hard and getting a house full hardcore. Two of them managed to, eventually, get small flats, but ended up having to travel abroad to pay for them in a reasonable timeframe. They are in their fifties now and spent half of their marriages slaving for, let's be honest, rather mediocre places to live in. Did wonders for their relations with wives and children, who had to stay behind for multiple reasons. My dad chose to stay and... moved in with in-laws, who switched their house specifically for that purpose - big enough for 2+2+2. The joke is, he chose well, as between this arrangement and country finally ditching moon economy he ended up being able to afford better life than his siblings.

Current generation is the first one growing up with Hollywood and some bastardised version of "American Dream". It shows, people tend to have some infantile drive to prove something nobody really needs them proving. Half of the country is in debt as a result, real estate market has been on steroids for decades. Millions moved to different countries to support their TV-fed ambitions. Result? Another generation of kids with severe issues - I should know, I work with them.

TLR - people are stupid. The richer country they are from, the fainter idea about various models of family they have, the more pigheaded they are, the less critical they are regarding whatever "norm" they grew up around - the more eager they are to judge others.

 

[manic_depressive13]

I am saying they should not assume their parents would ever be okay with a landlord / tenant situation because it is their house, and the child is not entitled to have parents turn their home into an apartment for someone just because they think they should. In the end, it is up to the parents what they want to do. if the parents never had any intention of renting out their home, they should not be pressured to do so. Adults can set " boundaries' when adults are on their own. You don't get to pick and choose what parts get to be adult and what parts gets to be kid. Saying I want my mommy and daddy to take care of me but I want to make the rules too. Nope. Not happening. When you get your own home, you make the rules, not before then.

Read what I added to that post about privacy. No, your phone, tablet, Pc are not private, nor is anything in their home when they are the ones who can go to jail for it. Your privacy ends when another person begins.

Why are you so offended at the notion of young adults negotiating boundaries with their parents to a mutually agreed upon end? It isn't not happening. It happens all the time. It's called a healthy relationship, and choosing to negotiate rather than picking up and leaving isn't entitled or disrespectful.

 

[Lil devils x_v1legacy]

I am saying they should not assume their parents would ever be okay with a landlord / tenant situation because it is their house, and the child is not entitled to have parents turn their home into an apartment for someone just because they think they should. In the end, it is up to the parents what they want to do. if the parents never had any intention of renting out their home, they should not be pressured to do so. Adults can set " boundaries' when adults are on their own. You don't get to pick and choose what parts get to be adult and what parts gets to be kid. Saying I want my mommy and daddy to take care of me but I want to make the rules too. Nope. Not happening. When you get your own home, you make the rules, not before then.

Read what I added to that post about privacy. No, your phone, tablet, Pc are not private, nor is anything in their home when they are the ones who can go to jail for it. Your privacy ends when another person begins.

Why are you so offended at the notion of young adults negotiating boundaries with their parents to a mutually agreed upon end? It isn't not happening. It happens all the time. It's called a healthy relationship, and choosing to negotiate rather than picking up and leaving isn't entitled or disrespectful.

My friends mom, Brenda, went to jail for her son's cocaine.. His mom was great, she helped me out quite a bit and did not deserve to be treated like that. Chris sounded just as bad about his privacy and boundaries too..
Nothing in their house that the parents can go to jail for is "private". It is a perfectly healthy relationship to have parents be parents. Parents ARE parents and are expected to be such. They are not landlords or friends, they are parents. The last thing parents need these days is the cops busting down their door to arrest them for their child's hentai on their computer...

 

[manic_depressive13]

My friends mom, Brenda, went to jail for her son's cocaine.. His mom was great, she helped me out quite a bit and did not deserve to be treated like that. Chris sounded just as bad about his privacy and boundaries too..
Nothing in their house that the parents can go to jail for is "private". It is a perfectly healthy relationship to have parents be parents. Parents ARE parents and are expected to be such.

Well I'm glad Brenda was such a champ and not the kind of person who would shame her daughter daily and publicly once she discovered she was sexually active.

 

[Lil devils x_v1legacy]

My friends mom, Brenda, went to jail for her son's cocaine.. His mom was great, she helped me out quite a bit and did not deserve to be treated like that. Chris sounded just as bad about his privacy and boundaries too..
Nothing in their house that the parents can go to jail for is "private". It is a perfectly healthy relationship to have parents be parents. Parents ARE parents and are expected to be such.

Well I'm glad Brenda was such a champ and not the kind of person who would shame her daughter daily and publicly once she discovered she was sexually active.

Brenda was the champ who went through her son's room and threw out his weed.. she just forgot to get the coke too. Again, you are talking about abuse, the shaming is abuse. Most people do not do that to their children, and that person should call a hotline to get help out of the situation. That does not mean that parents should not know what is in the rooms of their homes.

Of course, they could be like this mom and not know until it is too late:

So I am begging you. Be the parent that doesn?t let their kid have a smartphone. Or be the parent that goes through that phone, and your child?s browser history, EVERY night. Be the parent that puts filters on your internet, or a program that sends you an email detailing every site and app your kid looks at. Be THAT parent, and you will be the parent of a child who is NOT the victim of an online predator.

http://www.foreverymom.com/this-13-year-old-virginia-girl-was-murdered-last-week-by-an-18-year-old-killer-she-met-online/

 

[Cowabungaa]

My friends mom, Brenda, went to jail for her son's cocaine.. His mom was great, she helped me out quite a bit and did not deserve to be treated like that. Chris sounded just as bad about his privacy and boundaries too..
Nothing in their house that the parents can go to jail for is "private". It is a perfectly healthy relationship to have parents be parents. Parents ARE parents and are expected to be such. They are not landlords or friends, they are parents. The last thing parents need these days is the cops busting down their door to arrest them for their child's hentai on their computer...

Did the mother know of the cocaine? How old was her son? It makes me wonder what really went down in court there. You hear it, sadly, often enough that the authorities find child pornography on someone's computer. I find it quite hard to believe that if that happens to be the computer of a 28-year old living with his parents and the parents didn't have a single clue, that the parents then get jailed for their son's offense. The difference with the drugs of course is that the drugs are directly on their property, and that something on a computer is not directly on their property, just the computer itself.

It's interesting legal ground, in any case, and my gut tells me that it's often quite the grey area and definitely vastly different around the world. I think it differs whether you're part of their household or whether you're a legal tenant on their property. Both are possible to be with your parents. When electronic devices are concerned I do wonder what the case would be. This all of course talking about 'proper adults', for instance someone of the age of 25 who holds a job and all that and is for example between domiciles or something. Not an 18 year old who gets uppity.

 

[Lil devils x_v1legacy]

My friends mom, Brenda, went to jail for her son's cocaine.. His mom was great, she helped me out quite a bit and did not deserve to be treated like that. Chris sounded just as bad about his privacy and boundaries too..
Nothing in their house that the parents can go to jail for is "private". It is a perfectly healthy relationship to have parents be parents. Parents ARE parents and are expected to be such. They are not landlords or friends, they are parents. The last thing parents need these days is the cops busting down their door to arrest them for their child's hentai on their computer...

Did the mother know of the cocaine? How old was her son? It makes me wonder what really went down in court there. You hear it, sadly, often enough that the authorities find child pornography on someone's computer. I find it quite hard to believe that if that happens to be the computer of a 28-year old living with his parents and the parents didn't have a single clue, that the parents then get jailed for their son's offense. The difference with the drugs of course is that the drugs are directly on their property, and that something on a computer is not directly on their property, just the computer itself.

It's interesting legal ground, in any case, and my gut tells me that it's often quite the grey area and definitely vastly different around the world. I think it differs whether you're part of their household or whether you're a legal tenant on their property. Both are possible to be with your parents. When electronic devices are concerned I do wonder what the case would be. This all of course talking about 'proper adults', for instance someone of the age of 25 who holds a job and all that and is for example between domiciles or something. Not an 18 year old who gets uppity.

Of course his mother didn't know there was coke in there.. she had already flushed his weed that she found. He was 18, out of town on a party binge and his mother had no clue where he was or when he would be back of course because he thought it was his prerogative not to tell her. He would go party and come and go as he pleased. The cops came in because apparently he had been buying drugs from a guy that had been watched by the cops and they had a search warrant for his address as part of their " round up". She had just come home from work and they pulled up behind her in her driveway as she had got out of her car. They had her wait outside while they searched her home, and when they came out with Coke, roach clips, seeds and papers.. she was charged with it because it is her name on the property.

The police officer that spoke at the school made it clear, parents are legally liable for what is on the computers, tablets, phones and other devices that are in their household, so they should make sure they know what is there.

Sometimes even landlords can be charged if they fail to act as well:
http://www.landlordtalking.com/tips/tenant-screening/landlord-charged-after-tenant-drug-allegations/
http://www.nolo.com/legal-encyclopedia/landlord-liability-criminal-acts-faq-29060-3.html
http://www.legalmatch.com/law-library/article/landlord-liability-for-criminal-acts-of-tenants.html
http://articles.latimes.com/1994-02-06/realestate/re-19595_1_landlords-tenant-drug

Unless you own the property, you can expect it to be someone else's business.

 

[Cowabungaa]

snip

18 Eh? Well that explains a lot. It's why I was careful to mention what'd the case would be if the 'child' in question would not be an uppity 18 year old. That kid is probably still a legal dependent. When drugs are concerned it's a harsh story in the US to begin with. What's funny though is when I read the other page of the nolo.com link, it does state to work with security folks to figure out whether there's a real problem. Not that the landlord can just barge in and search. I once read somewhere that a landlord always has to give notice before searching someone's place.

Now when digital security and privacy is concerned I bet it's a whole 'nother ballgame. That is, again, when we talk about 'proper adults' and not school kids who happen to be 18.

But yeah that mother did not deserve to be treated like that for what her son did. However, I'd say that's more of a legal failing than a wrongful relationship between mother and son. But from what I've heard and read, the legal situation regarding parents and kids is all sorts of FUBAR in the US anyway. I'm glad I'm not living there.

 

[Lil devils x_v1legacy]

snip

18 Eh? Well that explains a lot. It's why I was careful to mention what'd the case would be if the 'child' in question would not be an uppity 18 year old. That kid is probably still a legal dependent. When drugs are concerned it's a harsh story in the US to begin with. What's funny though is when I read the other page of the nolo.com link, it does state to work with security folks to figure out whether there's a real problem. Not that the landlord can just barge in and search. I once read somewhere that a landlord always has to give notice before searching someone's place.

Now when digital security and privacy is concerned I bet it's a whole 'nother ballgame. That is, again, when we talk about 'proper adults' and not school kids who happen to be 18.

But yeah that mother did not deserve to be treated like that for what her son did. However, I'd say that's more of a legal failing than a wrongful relationship between mother and son. But from what I've heard and read, the legal situation regarding parents and kids is all sorts of FUBAR in the US anyway. I'm glad I'm not living there.

He was considered a legal adult in the state at 17. In court it didn't matter whose it was, or what age they were, it was her property, the illegal substance was on it. Everyone who gets pulled over, and finds drugs in their car claims it wasn't theirs as well...
The law does not care whose it is, they care who is legally responsible for it. Yes, it is messed up that they charge the property owner rather than the person who brought the drugs there.
The property laws that apply to drugs ALSO apply to other things such as stolen property, illegal content on electronic devices, and illegal weapon possession as well..

The courts know they are not getting any money out of a broke, stoned, college drop out living with his parents so they go after where they can get money instead.

 

[Lil devils x_v1legacy]

It's usually considered shameful to fail to meet the expectations of your culture. In most Western cultures, that involves leaving the family home. In the the Philippines however, it's the other way around. You get shit and shame for leaving home, or not taking your family with you. There, and in a lot of the Asian world, the expectation is that you will be a success and then carry your family with you, parents and grandparents included. If you don't, or can't, that is extremely shameful.

There are doubtless ups and downs to any system of shame based socialization.

Do they physically want the whole family to live with them or just have them care for the family? What about numerous siblings? Are the children shamed if the parents choose to live with another one of their children instead? I have always been aware that Asian cultures take very good care of parents and grandparents,a s they should. That is common in my culture as well, but they dont want them to actually live with them in my culture, you have your own house and visit your parents daily to care for them instead if they are capable of living on their own. They can move their mother in with them and such if they require constant care, but usually just help them by bringing them meals, cleaning and repairing their home for them, doing their laundry and such instead.

 

[Johnny Novgorod]

Well, it's only natural that every living being becomes self-sufficient at some point. Lounging in mom and dad's home for too long could be construed as a biological failure.

 

[Wakey87]

I moved out when I was 25, This was after house prices went through the roof. I ended up paying more than double of what my sister's house was only a few years before. I'm single so If i hadn't of been as lucky as I was financially I'd still be living at home now, as I had little interest in renting and paying someone elses morgage off.

 

[Rosiv]

It's usually considered shameful to fail to meet the expectations of your culture. In most Western cultures, that involves leaving the family home. In the the Philippines however, it's the other way around. You get shit and shame for leaving home, or not taking your family with you. There, and in a lot of the Asian world, the expectation is that you will be a success and then carry your family with you, parents and grandparents included. If you don't, or can't, that is extremely shameful.

There are doubtless ups and downs to any system of shame based socialization.

Do they physically want the whole family to live with them or just have them care for the family? What about numerous siblings? Are the children shamed if the parents choose to live with another one of their children instead? I have always been aware that Asian cultures take very good care of parents and grandparents,a s they should. That is common in my culture as well, but they dont want them to actually live with them in my culture, you have your own house and visit your parents daily to care for them instead if they are capable of living on their own. They can move their mother in with them and such if they require constant care, but usually just help them by bringing them meals, cleaning and repairing their home for them, doing their laundry and such instead.

Given my mother is Philo, I would say Kalki hit it right on the nose. The parents literaly want you to stay, reguardless of care taking. Of course, everyone is different, and its rude of me to sterotype.

 

[manic_depressive13]

-

I just read the part about how abused kids should call hotlines and seek help and stuff. That's fine, but when people display attitudes like yours, that parents can set rules and people who don't like rules are disrespectful and ungrateful, it is hard to recognise abuse. They think they are being brats, and constantly have that reinforced by society. You are also reinforcing that by picking and choosing what counts as abuse.