When does personal preference become intolerance?

[Paragon Fury]

So this was inspired by a discussion at work an I've seen on other sites a few times (Reddit, IMGUR etc.). It's a bit of a sticky subject, but it's actually fairly relevant given recent events over the last few years.

The question is; at what point does one's personal preferences and actions become intolerance/discrimination?

There are an absolute TON of examples and situations which could be applied here, but I'll give one that isn't likely to turn into an internet bloodbath;

Strange as it may be to people here to think of me ever going on a date, I do actually have two rules for dating anyone that are instant no-sells/enders. One is no smoking, period. Of anything. The second is no children, either from a previous relationship or wanting one. Both of them are deal breakers, and while I'll tolerate being around someone with kids, I avoid being around anyone who smokes unless I'm forced to.

Where does the line from personal preference/intolerance get drawn? One side seems to believe that it applies only to the professional world, while the other thinks it applies to both but only in a limited way to personal life while yet another thinks it goes full bore on both sides.



Also, it's a Paragon Fury thread, and though the topic is supposed to more serious I suppose I'm contractually obligated to some level of lewdness in an Off-Topic thread. A such, here it is;

Spoiler

 

[TheMysteriousGX]

When it starts to apply to things people have no control over. Or at least, that's my take.

'Course, I never have nor feel any reason to try the dating scene, so...

 

[Robert B. Marks]

I tend to draw the line when a value judgement gets added.

So, in my mind, "not my thing" without a value judgement is a preference. "Not my thing because it is immoral/[insert ethnic group] is [insert judgement], etc." would be intolerance.

 

[Saelune]

When you dont let other people like it.

Or when you not liking it hinders the wellbeing of them.

Dating preference is your own. Its not racist to not be attracted to some ethnicities, nor is it sexist to not be bisexual.

But its not an excuse if you're hiring people, its racist.

Also, just because people expect you to have lewd pictures, doesnt mean you should. They serve nothing to the topic and you should really move away from typecasting yourself.

 

[sageoftruth]

When you dont let other people like it.

Or when you not liking it hinders the wellbeing of them.

Dating preference is your own. Its not racist to not be attracted to some ethnicities, nor is it sexist to not be bisexual.

But its not an excuse if you're hiring people, its racist.

Nice. Your response resonated with me the most so far.

Even if someone is uninterested in someone because of something super-petty such as, "They don't like Bloodborne" or "They're not a Scorpio", that's their loss. Gradually working to change their mindset is fine, but no one, barring accidental parents, should be pressured into entering a relationship they don't want. That's a recipe for disaster.

 

[PsychedelicDiamond]

Sure, preferences are discriminatory on some level but at the same time, noone is entitled to another persons romantic or sexual attraction. Nor ist it something that can be forced. No matter how hard I'd try, I couldn't be attracted to a woman who is, say, strongly under- or overweight. A healthy relationship can't be built on good will alone, I just don't think so. If you're with a person you don't actually find attractive and you lie to them and yourself... well, I don't think that's a fulfilling relationship for either of you. And you might be both perfectly fine people and like each other and get along really well, but if attraction isn't there it isn't there.

 

[Xprimentyl]

Personal preference becomes intolerance when you allow it affect anyone other than yourself with little to no regard for others. If you prefer to not be around smoking, it is one thing to remove yourself from or avoid situations wherein smoking is permitted, but another when you start insisting a smoker put out their cigarette. It?s perfectly ok to be forthcoming with your desire to be with a childless other; you?re not telling them ?because you have/want a child, you don?t work for me.? you?re telling them ?upfront, if you have/want kids, I won?t work for you.?

It?s allowing objects of preference to maintain their dignity; it?s not prescribing an objective worth (or lack thereof) to someone/thing outside of yourself based on subjective preferences within yourself.

 

[Baffle]

Don't worry, their kids (and quite possibly their cigarettes) are more important to them than you are, so no one is losing out.

It's never intolerant to not want to date someone for whatever reason you choose. That's crazy, it's your life. (This is a common Nice Guy complaint. Fortunately they can console themselves that the hot chick will eventually grow old like the rest of us and will have missed out on that one chance she had to find perfect, long-term happiness with that one guy she never knew fancied her. Even though she's probably still hot and ended up married to a guy with a can-do attitude and huge pecs, she'll regret for the rest of her life that missed opportunity she'll thankfully never know she had. Oh, she'll be so wistful.)

(God I love parentheses.)

 

[happyninja42]

I think the line is crossed when it goes from your personal preferences in partners, to trying to inflict your preferences on others. Basically when you outsource your hangups on others, trying to get your friends to not date people who smoke/have children. Saying things like "I can't hang out with you if you continue to date that person that I disagree with."

THAT is when it's intolerance, at least in my book. I mean it's your romantic life, you can have whatever hangups you want, and you will feel the immediate impact of that. As long as you aren't being a complete dick to anyone that you have to not date because of it, I don't really see an issue with your specific example.

I'm not sure if preference/intolerance is the right comparison though? Perhaps preference/prejudice would be a better way to phrase it. Definition of intolerance is "unwillingness to accept views, beliefs, or behavior that differ from one's own", which doesn't feel like what you are describing. You are simply saying "I don't want to date anyone that fits these 2 criteria." I'm guessing you don't walk around giving people shit for having step-children, or for re-marrying after having children do you? And you don't give people shit for dating smokers? If you are, then yeah, you're being intolerant. But if you keep your shit to yourself, then it's just a preference.

At least that's how I see it anyway.

 

[McElroy]

One is no smoking, period. Of anything.

Even salmon?

Personally I've made peace with the idea that I can dislike something but also tolerate it (and then criticize them behind their back because who says that to people's faces, hey c'mon). I even have a much longer list of standards for my non-existent dates; no smoking, no previous kids, not (more) overweight (than I am), not vegan, can't be a cat person (I'm allergic), no racial baggage, no brown eyes, not a weeb... Though I guess the only deal-breakers would be previous kids and actually owning cats.

 

[the December King]

When you dont let other people like it.

Or when you not liking it hinders the wellbeing of them.

Dating preference is your own. Its not racist to not be attracted to some ethnicities, nor is it sexist to not be bisexual.

But its not an excuse if you're hiring people, its racist.

And there it is. Well said.

 

[Mechamorph]

When you expect other people to adhere to your preferences. Yes, you can choose not to date a smoker. That is something you do. When for example none of your friends can't eat avocado in your presence because you hate avocado, that's crossing the line. Projecting your beliefs on other people tends not be very received as well.

 

[maninahat]

I tend to draw the line when a value judgement gets added.

So, in my mind, "not my thing" without a value judgement is a preference. "Not my thing because it is immoral/[insert ethnic group] is [insert judgement], etc." would be intolerance.

That's it in a nutshell. People aren't attracted to other people for all sorts of random reasons, but its only when they start to try rationalise those reasons with prejudicial excuses that it can get ugly.

 

[Thaluikhain]

Huh, from the title I was expecting this to be a whinge about how the OP isn't really intolerant, it's just an opinion. Then it turns out to be a sensible question (will may like to other posters doing that), and bewbs.

Anyhoo, I like the first 3 responses to this.

 

[Squilookle]

I tend to draw the line when a value judgement gets added.

So, in my mind, "not my thing" without a value judgement is a preference. "Not my thing because it is immoral/[insert ethnic group] is [insert judgement], etc." would be intolerance.

That's it in a nutshell. People aren't attracted to other people for all sorts of random reasons, but its only when they start to try rationalise those reasons with prejudicial excuses that it can get ugly.

So if, for example, Alice reveals she wouldn't date black guys, but Bob then asks her why that is- is she to avoid answering altogether, to avoid trying to rationalise her prejudice?

 

[FriedRicer]

Where does the line from personal preference/intolerance get drawn?

OP, That first picture(cookies) reminds me of a Megaman BattleNetwork character - am I close?

OT: I'd have to say when another person is harmed by your personal preference. If I don't like something someone else enjoys,
then , as long as I don't disrespect/inhibit them it's fine.

 

[Zhukov]

When one starts to be a dick about it.

Don't be a dick and there isn't a problem.

It's not terribly complicated.

 

[ObsidianJones_v1legacy]

Zhukov is the answer closest to my own.

It really stems from animosity.

I don't hang out with stereotypical jocks because I don't know anything about sports. Nor am I interested in them. I won't choose to hang out with them because I can't keep a conversation with them if it goes to the stereotypical "I'm a Jock so all I know is sports". Have there been well versed jocks about today's political climates? Hell yes. And we had great conversations on that. I have jocks I consider friends. But the stereotypical jock and I (on paper) have nothing to offer each other in terms of small talk-ish conversation.

But I do not hate them. I do not feel rage the second I see them. I give them chances to show me they are about other things. And if they aren't, I don't dislike them. I don't wish them harm or think they should be ostracized from civilized society. And my opinion about them can change. Hell, that stereotypical jock and I might have the same kind of humor and we can move past sports or whatever and just crack each other up.

Animosity and the inability to let go of your preconceived notions. That changes personal preference to Intolerance..

 

[Trunkage]

snip

I'd agree. I'm also fascinated by the fact that if someone doesn't like something, they obsess over it. Look at how people are reacting to Trump or Obama. Going over everything with a fine tooth comb to prove that they are/were wrong.

Compared to this: months ago, my friends asked me if I was going to get a Switch. When they launched, the only proper title was Zelda. I've played a lot of them but never finished one. They never maintain my interest. I only displayed this preference when asked, I don't go telling every random person that Zelda is terrible.

 

[Saelune]

snip

I'd agree. I'm also fascinated by the fact that if someone doesn't like something, they obsess over it. Look at how people are reacting to Trump or Obama. Going over everything with a fine tooth comb to prove that they are/were wrong.

Compared to this: months ago, my friends asked me if I was going to get a Switch. When they launched, the only proper title was Zelda. I've played a lot of them but never finished one. They never maintain my interest. I only displayed this preference when asked, I don't go telling every random person that Zelda is terrible.

Its kinda different when they have say over your life at all. I dont like pickles, but they arent deciding laws that effect my life. The President though...