When have you waited long enough for a loved one?

[Caiti Voltaire]

Okay, I realise that asking for relationship advice here is akin to asking someone for a sound kick up the ass, but I could use some advice here and I figure this is the most thoughtful of the various web forums I visit, so it cant hurt, I suppose.

I have someone I've been with for a while. We corespond through the internet and some other means. He has a fairly busy day job and so do I, so its generally accepted that we get time for each other when we do.

That's great and all. Here's the catch. I haven't heard anything further than a hi for a while now. Im talking weeks going on months. This is not the first time the relationship has had this difficulty - I complain, it gets pants-on-head-retardedly dramatic for a while, before settling down to how it was before. And I know he has time for it, he spends a lot of the time that we do talk before talking about how he was playing Mass Effect 2 or somesuch. The perils of dating a gamer I guess.

I guess it comes down to a handful of questions, really. Am I wrong to expect to hear more often from him? Is it really akin to asking him to hack off his wedding tackle to put down the games and friends to talk to me once a month perhaps? I don't know. I know that I can be clingy and demanding when it comes to relationships so I suppose I have a fear that I'm doing that now. But when some people have loved ones that they talk to every day and Im lucky if I get a good conversation out of the matter once a month, I guess I really wonder. Am I really out of line here?

 

[The_Decoy]

Am I really out of line here?

Certainly not if it's been weeks and months.

Most guys I know are pretty lax at communicating, we tend to only speak if there's something important happening. I know, we should just call to see how it's going but that rarely happens in my experience.

So to answer your questions:

Am I wrong to expect to hear more often from him?
You're not wrong to, but it's unlikely he will.

Is it really akin to asking him to hack off his wedding tackle to put down the games and friends to talk to me once a month perhaps?

Nope.

Seems to me you're not being clingy if you're not talking more than once a month, that's a real communication breakdown but talking doesn't come naturally to guys, so don't sweat too much, just let him know how you feel.

 

[000Ronald]

My general expirience is as such; if you can't solve it by talking it over, then there's a problem. There's nothing wrong with being jealous and clingy if you love someone (Watch Beast with A Billion Backs, I think that explains it pretty well); the problem comes around when you let that aspect rule your relationship.

Sit down and talk it over. That's the best advice I can give.

Of course, having never been romantically involved, I may not be the best person to ask. Let's see what others have to say, shall we?

Apologies Abound

 

[Caiti Voltaire]

Am I really out of line here?

Certainly not if it's been weeks and months.

Most guys I know are pretty lax at communicating, we tend to only speak if there's something important happening. I know, we should just call to see how it's going but that rarely happens in my experience.

So to answer your questions:

Am I wrong to expect to hear more often from him?
You're not wrong to, but it's unlikely he will.

Is it really akin to asking him to hack off his wedding tackle to put down the games and friends to talk to me once a month perhaps?

Nope.

Seems to me you're not being clingy if you're not talking more than once a month, that's a real communication breakdown but talking doesn't come naturally to guys, so don't sweat too much, just let him know how you feel.

The last time I brought this issue up it had the rather ironic effect of resulting in us not talking for a while because of those whole emotions things and because of how clearly demanding it was apparently that I expect that in the grand scheme of "work games friends girlfriend" the girlfriend part of that equation would be somewheres towards the top of the priorities. I just don't know what to do here that would have the desired result, that being him and I having time together, because he takes criticism very poorly and I want to have time with him not upset him.

 

[SnipErlite]

That's a hell of a long time, you're right to expect something. You aren't out of line.

 

[EnzoHonda]

I hate to say it, but it doesn't sound like there's much of a relationship there. If you guys never talk, and argue when you do...sorry.

Yep, agreed.

I work nights and weekends and my girl has a regular job, we live in different cities (not too far) and yet we're able to get together at least once a week, even if it's just a quick coffee or lunch. I know every relationship is different, but if you don't see them for a month, they had better be in Iraq or something.

 

[Caiti Voltaire]

I guess my frustration is that I am looking for some sort of solution and cannot find one; perhaps the better description is groping blindly, given that my previous relationships were with other women which isn't so much a different ball game as another sport entirely played on another field in another hemisphere of the globe.

I almost think the poor self esteem is something of a defensive mechanism on his part - you bring up some sort of problem or an issue and it becomes some exacerbated point of self-flagellation in such a way that I am sure is supposed to have me wishing I hadn't brought it up but really just makes me locate my face somewheres in my palm. Its never 'Ill try to be better' so much as 'oh well I just have issues' and it is certainly not like I haven't seen this behaviour before or attempted to discuss it.

I don't know what to do other than give up and I just don't consider that a viable option. Call me stubborn or pants-on-head-retarded but it just doesn't seem right to me to toss a relationship out a window because its imperfect. I but wish I knew how to fix that particular flaw and there doesn't seem to be a cure-all kicking around.

 

[Caiti Voltaire]

I hate to say it, but it doesn't sound like there's much of a relationship there. If you guys never talk, and argue when you do...sorry.

Yep, agreed.

I work nights and weekends and my girl has a regular job, we live in different cities (not too far) and yet we're able to get together at least once a week, even if it's just a quick coffee or lunch. I know every relationship is different, but if you don't see them for a month, they had better be in Iraq or something.

I've had a few long-distance relationships before and they don't bother me overmuch, what DOES bother me is when I have no communication altogether. Its not like it is particulatly difficult to send an AIM or MSN message, it takes all of five seconds when they are undoubtably using their cellphone with ebuddy or computer most of the day to begin with.

 

[Shamgarr]

Had y'all recently made plans to meet by chance?

 

[Caiti Voltaire]

Had y'all recently made plans to meet by chance?

There is a certain perpetual procrastination abut doing things together. Ill mention it and it will always be tomorrow. Tomorrow rarely becomes today.

 

[BlumiereBleck]

Sounds like he's not for you sorry.

 

[w@rew0lf]

Okay, I realise that asking for relationship advice here is akin to asking someone for a sound kick up the ass, but I could use some advice here and I figure this is the most thoughtful of the various web forums I visit, so it cant hurt, I suppose.

I have someone I've been with for a while. We corespond through the internet and some other means. He has a fairly busy day job and so do I, so its generally accepted that we get time for each other when we do.

That's great and all. Here's the catch. I haven't heard anything further than a hi for a while now. Im talking weeks going on months. This is not the first time the relationship has had this difficulty - I complain, it gets pants-on-head-retardedly dramatic for a while, before settling down to how it was before. And I know he has time for it, he spends a lot of the time that we do talk before talking about how he was playing Mass Effect 2 or somesuch. The perils of dating a gamer I guess.

I guess it comes down to a handful of questions, really. Am I wrong to expect to hear more often from him? Is it really akin to asking him to hack off his wedding tackle to put down the games and friends to talk to me once a month perhaps? I don't know. I know that I can be clingy and demanding when it comes to relationships so I suppose I have a fear that I'm doing that now. But when some people have loved ones that they talk to every day and Im lucky if I get a good conversation out of the matter once a month, I guess I really wonder. Am I really out of line here?

No what you should have done was used the search bar. Found [a href=http://www.escapistmagazine.com/forums/read/18.117161-Relationship-problem-thread?page=23]this thread[/a]. And then put your OP there.

 

[Shamgarr]

Had y'all recently made plans to meet by chance?

There is a certain perpetual procrastination abut doing things together. Ill mention it and it will always be tomorrow. Tomorrow rarely becomes today.

 

[Gxas]

I have waited almost a year for the love of my life, it has gotten to the point where I really don't care for her in that way anymore. I can say that I have moved on, almost fully. The feeling will always be there, even when I am her "man of honor" at her wedding, but I will be there to love and support her as a friend, from the sidelines.

 

[Pimppeter2]

According to your profile, your still pretty young. I say cut your losses and move on.

 

[arsenicCatnip]

I almost think the poor self esteem is something of a defensive mechanism on his part - you bring up some sort of problem or an issue and it becomes some exacerbated point of self-flagellation in such a way that I am sure is supposed to have me wishing I hadn't brought it up but really just makes me locate my face somewheres in my palm. Its never 'Ill try to be better' so much as 'oh well I just have issues' and it is certainly not like I haven't seen this behaviour before or attempted to discuss it.

I don't know what to do other than give up and I just don't consider that a viable option. Call me stubborn or pants-on-head-retarded but it just doesn't seem right to me to toss a relationship out a window because its imperfect. I but wish I knew how to fix that particular flaw and there doesn't seem to be a cure-all kicking around.

Ugh, honey, I'm sorry about this. But if he's going to throw his 'issues' out there as a cover-all for anything he might do, then, well... it's stubborn of you to want to continue.

Relationships are give-and-take, or they don't work out. And if he's not willing to give, then you should find someone who you can share that with.

Priority should be 'work > girlfriend/friends > games'. And you have the right to demand that.

Good luck.

 

[Shru1kan]

Okay, I realise that asking for relationship advice here is akin to asking someone for a sound kick up the ass, but I could use some advice here and I figure this is the most thoughtful of the various web forums I visit, so it cant hurt, I suppose.

I have someone I've been with for a while. We corespond through the internet and some other means. He has a fairly busy day job and so do I, so its generally accepted that we get time for each other when we do.

That's great and all. Here's the catch. I haven't heard anything further than a hi for a while now. Im talking weeks going on months. This is not the first time the relationship has had this difficulty - I complain, it gets pants-on-head-retardedly dramatic for a while, before settling down to how it was before. And I know he has time for it, he spends a lot of the time that we do talk before talking about how he was playing Mass Effect 2 or somesuch. The perils of dating a gamer I guess.

I guess it comes down to a handful of questions, really. Am I wrong to expect to hear more often from him? Is it really akin to asking him to hack off his wedding tackle to put down the games and friends to talk to me once a month perhaps? I don't know. I know that I can be clingy and demanding when it comes to relationships so I suppose I have a fear that I'm doing that now. But when some people have loved ones that they talk to every day and Im lucky if I get a good conversation out of the matter once a month, I guess I really wonder. Am I really out of line here?

No what you should have done was used the search bar. Found [a href=http://www.escapistmagazine.com/forums/read/18.117161-Relationship-problem-thread?page=23]this thread[/a]. And then put your OP there.

Or she could make her own thread. Get more views and advice rather than the residential "love doctors". Its not in the rules she can't have her own thread.

And to the OP, sounds a lot like my relationship... sit down and talk to him seriously, making sure he knows that you two may be single at the end of the talk.

 

[Sightless Wisdom]

Had y'all recently made plans to meet by chance?

There is a certain perpetual procrastination abut doing things together. Ill mention it and it will always be tomorrow. Tomorrow rarely becomes today.

I know having been on the opposite side of such a relationship in the past that you just have to make the first move so to speak. Just give him a time and ask if he can be there, if not find out why. Sitting around hoping won't help you, it's better to be just a little bit assertive and find out what's going on.

 

[Caiti Voltaire]

I almost have the sneaking feeling from past experience that there's something going on that I don't really particularly want to know about. But knowing him it's probably not the case, just paranoia from my past relationships.

I've said this in previous posts but perhaps I didn't elaborate it or communicate it well - its not that we haven't talked about this. It seems almost cyclical. I'll bring it up which will of course bring up drama, we'll work through the drama, it will be great with sunshine and rainbows for a month or two and then it will fall into the same problem again. I really feel rather impotent to break the cycle and the fact that it does work itself out if temporarialy makes me hesitant to just drop the thing.