When have you waited long enough for a loved one?

[Camembert]

It isn't worth it. Please leave him. Either he doesn't particularly like you much (that is what it sounds like to me) or he is actually the sort of man who isn't that bothered about spending as much time as possible with (or talking with) someone he loves (whichever degree of love he is supposed to feel, even if we aren't talking about 'love' love here). Either way, you will remain unhappy if it continues like this (which it will).

Once a month is not enough.

Edit: Oh, and also, try not to let this put you off men in general... they aren't all distant and communicationally useless.

 

[Caiti Voltaire]

Okay, I didn't read this entire thread, just the first 5-8 posts [not keeping count] but let me try and share some of my experience with you.

First of all than you for the thouhtful reply, I'll try to reply to the points as I come across them here.

My last real relationship was long distance, and it was actually great. Albeit her n I talked every single day and she was actually from here, meaning I knew her prior to the relationship, she had just moved across the country due to cancer and the best treatment being there [her father was loaded and wanted the best, it worked out in the end, thank God]

I'm glad things worked out! I know firsthand how illness can take something out of you, though it wasn't cancer in my case.

anyway, that's not the point, my point is, even though we talked practically every day, sent gifts, pictures, pillow cases, articles of clothing and so on whenever we had the chance, in the long run it didn't work out. I'm not saying it can't, because we lasted over a year, but it takes so much work and honestly, on my behalf, it was hard to do. Sometimes a guy's just not willing to put up the effort anymore, they see it as some sort of lost cause or something. I truly hope that's not the case for you, because I know the heartbreak can be unbearable at times.

It's not my first long distance relationship. My first was something exceptional, I suppose, because I loved that girl and she loved me. We met up, went out, she went to the States for college, I stayed here, and really it was sunshine and rainbows until she got struck by a drunk driver and died I miss her.

I'd suggest what a few others here have said, just try and talk it over, and if he can't do that, he's probably not your best choice. You need somebody who can listen to you, somebody you can listen to, too, without making up excuses. If you truly want to work you need to trust eachother in the deepest of ways. You need to be able to confide in one another no matter how difficult the subject matter may be, even if you both are brought to tears, it's the best thing you can do.

Its not so much that I haven't talked to him on the matter and it hasn't gotten 'fixed' on a short term basis. The problem is it never seems to sink in and fix itself more longterm.

But honestly, you may be better off finding somebody closer to home, or at least somebody willing to put up more effort. These things are hard, and when it's long distance it's made even more difficult. That doesn't mean it's impossible, though, it just means that it's going to take a hell of a lot more work from both parties, and you seem to be actually trying from what you've said, and the fact that you cared enough to go onto the internet and ask abunch of random people advice. That takes some courage to do, quite frankly.

Kind of surprised that I didn't get a bunch of scathing remarks about how long distance relationships never work and how stupid I am to have one etc.

Love and relationships are more difficult than some people think, and many, many guys don't even know the first thing about them. Myself, I was blessed [sometimes i'd call it cursed] with a soft heart and a romantic mindset. I'm one of the most quixotic people you could ever meet, even if most people may not realize it at face value, get me alone long enough and I can go on for hours about this sorta thing, giving a passionate argument. But other guys just aren't the same way. Maybe they can change, but maybe they don't want to, either.

Without meaning to sound like a raging lesbian (I'm pretty obviously bi given I'm with a guy now) but that's a lot of the reason I've ended up with women before. Granted, we have our own problems but I'd rather an intimate troubled relationship than a distant one where I dont get a decent conversation but once a month.

Just try your hardest to have a calm, civil conversation about the whole ordeal, and if he can't even manage that then the issue may be too much. I know you don't want to give it up, nobody ever does. It's a pain inside that'll rip through the very fabric of time [cake for whoever gets that reference without googling] but sometimes it's a necessary evil and we just gotta face the facts and move on.

I really do know how badly that can hurt though, and I'm not saying that's what you should do, but it may be the best option in the long run. Then again, it may not. It'll be difficult, quite the struggle, but I know, at least from my experiences, that someday later on down the line you'll find someone else. I've already begun to move on to a more local girl who's been my bestfriend for years now, and we're doing great. And this is only barely less than a year after that last, long distance relationship finally came to a close, and that still hurts me to this day.

For me it really never does seem to go away. My situation with my health is such that I'm going to be pretty disappointed to say the least if my number comes up and I go single. But that's also why I get angsty about this. I don't have time to sit around puttering in mediocrity.

Just talk about it, really, as I've said and many others have, I'm sure.

But these things are NOT easy, I can't lie to you about that, it'll be hard, really hard, and I hope you two manage to work things out, and if not then I really wish you the best in future dabbles with the whole 'love' thing. It's not to be taken as lightly as many take it.

Good luck.

Thanks. I think I'm going to need it at this rate.

 

[Cowabungaa]

You have every right to expect more out of it, if it's indeed a true relationship. If you think it's worth it, confront him about it. You said you were pretty honest and straightforward about your feelings, so that shouldn't be too hard for you. Just talk with him about it the first time you get the chance.

Add all your concerns; that you feel like it never sinks in with him, that you might feel that he just doesn't care that much. Express all your concerns. If he's still distant and rather none-caring, leave him. He's not worth it.

Good luck!

 

[Caiti Voltaire]

You have every right to expect more out of it, if it's indeed a true relationship. If you think it's worth it, confront him about it. You said you were pretty honest and straightforward about your feelings, so that shouldn't be too hard for you. Just talk with him about it the first time you get the chance.

Add all your concerns; that you feel like it never sinks in with him, that you might feel that he just doesn't care that much. Express all your concerns. If he's still distant and rather none-caring, leave him. He's not worth it.

Good luck!

Heh, the problem with that becomes getting his attention long enough. I suppose I could wait until he decides he wants to talk again but that doesn't seem too fair to myself.

 

[Cowabungaa]

Heh, the problem with that becomes getting his attention long enough. I suppose I could wait until he decides he wants to talk again but that doesn't seem too fair to myself.

Demand his attention. If you're in a relationship, I think you must know how to pull his strings. Maybe it'd be a cruel thing to do, but if you really want to rescue this relationship, it's worth it.

Plus, if you would, say, threaten to break up, and he would still act lethargic, you immediately know that he indeed just doesn't really care about you. If he freaks out, at least you know he cares and you might be able to fix things.

O and as for the actual topic title, I might not be the best person to ask that to. I'm willing to wait on the person I love for all eternity. I would never expect anything from her, as I've learned to expect only to be hurt.

 

[Caiti Voltaire]

Just threatening to break it off if I don't get my way seems to me to be terribly childish, though.

 

[leviathanmisha]

Okay, I realise that asking for relationship advice here is akin to asking someone for a sound kick up the ass, but I could use some advice here and I figure this is the most thoughtful of the various web forums I visit, so it cant hurt, I suppose.

I have someone I've been with for a while. We corespond through the internet and some other means. He has a fairly busy day job and so do I, so its generally accepted that we get time for each other when we do.

That's great and all. Here's the catch. I haven't heard anything further than a hi for a while now. Im talking weeks going on months. This is not the first time the relationship has had this difficulty - I complain, it gets pants-on-head-retardedly dramatic for a while, before settling down to how it was before. And I know he has time for it, he spends a lot of the time that we do talk before talking about how he was playing Mass Effect 2 or somesuch. The perils of dating a gamer I guess.

I guess it comes down to a handful of questions, really. Am I wrong to expect to hear more often from him? Is it really akin to asking him to hack off his wedding tackle to put down the games and friends to talk to me once a month perhaps? I don't know. I know that I can be clingy and demanding when it comes to relationships so I suppose I have a fear that I'm doing that now. But when some people have loved ones that they talk to every day and Im lucky if I get a good conversation out of the matter once a month, I guess I really wonder. Am I really out of line here?

You do have the right to expect more out of your bf at this point. Especially if you two have been together for a while now. If my bf didn't talk to me for a whole month, I'd probably kick him in the shins, but that's just me and I've known my bf for years now.

So, at this point all I can really say is try to talk to him and if he wants to ignore you point out that there are plenty of cute guys where you live. Jealousy has saved my relationship in the past, so it could very well work for you.

And how does the long distance thing usually work out? I'm curious cause I'm leaving for college in August and I really don't want to break it off with my bf, we've been together for 3 years.

 

[Caiti Voltaire]

You do have the right to expect more out of your bf at this point. Especially if you two have been together for a while now. If my bf didn't talk to me for a whole month, I'd probably kick him in the shins, but that's just me and I've known my bf for years now.

Your ideas intrigue me and I wish to learn more.

So, at this point all I can really say is try to talk to him and if he wants to ignore you point out that there are plenty of cute guys where you live. Jealousy has saved my relationship in the past, so it could very well work for you.

That seems kind of manipulative, but I suppose it might just make him realise Im not just some convinent space-warmer.

And how does the long distance thing usually work out? I'm curious cause I'm leaving for college in August and I really don't want to break it off with my bf, we've been together for 3 years.

It really depends on how committed you are to each other and how willing you both are to make it work. This one I'm in has its issues obviously, but I had a two-year long relationship before that was more or less long distance and we were fine until she died :\ I hope you two have better luck than I do!

 

[leviathanmisha]

le morceaux (snip)

Yeah, I think mine could work out, but it's going to be difficult...I've also discovered by kicking someone, they're more willing to listen to whatever you have to say. Pain can be a great tool. And honestly, aren't there time you just want to choke the life out of your significant other? And using a man's natural sense of jealousy against is really nothing new, but yes, it is manipulative and yes, it often kinda hits the guy over the head and says 'pay attention to me dammit!' It's worked for me in the past, but that was the past...and the results vary for everyone. Also, I'm sorry about your ex dying, I've dealt with death before, but I could never imagine a world where my bf didn't exist. It would be akin to hell for me.

 

[Caiti Voltaire]

Yeah, I think mine could work out, but it's going to be difficult...I've also discovered by kicking someone, they're more willing to listen to whatever you have to say. Pain can be a great tool. And honestly, aren't there time you just want to choke the life out of your significant other? And using a man's natural sense of jealousy against is really nothing new, but yes, it is manipulative and yes, it often kinda hits the guy over the head and says 'pay attention to me dammit!' It's worked for me in the past, but that was the past...and the results vary for everyone. Also, I'm sorry about your ex dying, I've dealt with death before, but I could never imagine a world where my bf didn't exist. It would be akin to hell for me.

Nothing worth having comes easily, just remember a lot of things that aren't worth having don't come easily either. Maybe I need to ponder on that myself, I'm unsure.

 

[leviathanmisha]

Yeah, I think mine could work out, but it's going to be difficult...I've also discovered by kicking someone, they're more willing to listen to whatever you have to say. Pain can be a great tool. And honestly, aren't there time you just want to choke the life out of your significant other? And using a man's natural sense of jealousy against is really nothing new, but yes, it is manipulative and yes, it often kinda hits the guy over the head and says 'pay attention to me dammit!' It's worked for me in the past, but that was the past...and the results vary for everyone. Also, I'm sorry about your ex dying, I've dealt with death before, but I could never imagine a world where my bf didn't exist. It would be akin to hell for me.

Nothing worth having comes easily, just remember a lot of things that aren't worth having don't come easily either. Maybe I need to ponder on that myself, I'm unsure.

Here, have a hug, I'm giving them out today. *hug* But yes, nothing is easy in life...and if I was with my friends I would make a made joke about a hooker and yeah, you know where that's going to go...*shakes head*

But take a day, sit down, and weigh out the options of being in said relationship and not being in said relationship, work out some pro's and con's for both options...maybe you can find an answer in there...

 

[oOxatikeOo]

It sounds you've been in this long distance relationship for a while and yet nothing much worthwhile is coming out of it on your end. For a long distance relationship to work, for you BOTH to be satisfied you BOTH need to put in a hell of a lot of commitment. Like many other replies on here, it seems like you need to confront him about the issue, if he doesnt seem to want to change, ie. provding more contact with you, then its likely that if you stay in the relationship that it will just continue being exactly the way it is now. I'm not saying that your whole relationship isn't worth it, but if you dont feel like you're getting a good deal out of itno matter how hard you try then you should probably think about moving on. Unlike you, from the tone of it he sounds like he isnt seriously commited to the relationship (perhaps doesnt consider it as seriously as you do) therfore its unbalanced on what you both get out of it. I've been in a long distance relationship for 4 years, but it requires talking every day, surprisingly we never run out of conversation ^^, so it proves it can be done. Confront him about his commitments and if nothing changes then explore other options. Good luck with everything ^_^

 

[Caiti Voltaire]

Here, have a hug, I'm giving them out today. *hug* But yes, nothing is easy in life...and if I was with my friends I would make a made joke about a hooker and yeah, you know where that's going to go...*shakes head*

But take a day, sit down, and weigh out the options of being in said relationship and not being in said relationship, work out some pro's and con's for both options...maybe you can find an answer in there...

Sometimes I think a magic 8-ball would be as helpful as thinking overmuch on this myself,heh, its why I asked for advice. I got my Point A and I got my Point B but for me figuring out how to connect the two when it comes to romance is some sort of mystical art that I do not comphrehend. Even the relationships Ive had that have worked out or at least ended amiciably I could not say what it was I did all that differently within.

 

[leviathanmisha]

Here, have a hug, I'm giving them out today. *hug* But yes, nothing is easy in life...and if I was with my friends I would make a made joke about a hooker and yeah, you know where that's going to go...*shakes head*

But take a day, sit down, and weigh out the options of being in said relationship and not being in said relationship, work out some pro's and con's for both options...maybe you can find an answer in there...

Sometimes I think a magic 8-ball would be as helpful as thinking overmuch on this myself,heh, its why I asked for advice. I got my Point A and I got my Point B but for me figuring out how to connect the two when it comes to romance is some sort of mystical art that I do not comphrehend. Even the relationships Ive had that have worked out or at least ended amiciably I could not say what it was I did all that differently within.

Hmm...you most likely didn't...men are very fickle when it comes relationships and they don't often respond the way that we would like them to. Don't beat yourself up over him, maybe he's subconsciously cutting you cause he doesn't want to be in a relationship anymore, but is afraid to tell you. Wouldn't be the first time I've seen a guy do that...

 

[omega 616]

snip

Basically, what this guy said.


Just a little addition. Were do you see this relationship going? I know your only young so relationships come and go even though you want them all to last forever.

Do you really see yourself chasing this guy for the next few years, till you eventually give up and dump him or do you want to save yourself sometime and do it now?

I know what it's like being determined to do something/make something work but there are times you have to admit defeat and move on to greener grasses.

 

[Caiti Voltaire]

Hmm...you most likely didn't...men are very fickle when it comes relationships and they don't often respond the way that we would like them to. Don't beat yourself up over him, maybe he's subconsciously cutting you cause he doesn't want to be in a relationship anymore, but is afraid to tell you. Wouldn't be the first time I've seen a guy do that...

In fairness, I know from experience it's not just men that do that. But I do suppose I should consider that possibility -sigh-