When life blindsides you and kicks you in the nuts (angsty whining warning)

[SimuLord]

I know that despite my post count I'm a complete stranger here. If you want to ignore me, go right ahead. Anyway...

My wife told me today that she's not happy anymore in our nearly five-year marriage. It's not that there's someone else---in her words, "right now and for the foreseeable future, I just don't want to be with anyone. I feel trapped here, like having you in my life is why I can't figure out who I want to be." She's 23---she was quite young when we got married, and I don't think either of us realized just how much she wasn't ready for "true" adulthood when she went directly from her mother's house to mine. She thought it was what she wanted---and I'm sure it was at the time---but right now I'm just not that person in her life anymore.

We don't have any kids, so at least that won't be an issue. But my finances will be utterly ruined if she does decide to go through with the divorce and if we can't somehow rescue our marriage from today's Hiroshima-class revelation. I went back to college because she agreed to support me while I got my degree, and I'll be on the hook for a shit ton of student loan debt unless I can somehow combine a full time job with a full time education (and with unemployment in Reno at 13.3%, that's a tall order!)

What's more, I haven't had sex with anyone but my wife in years---and I'm not as good-looking at 32 as I was at 27. I've got less hair, more weathering, and I'm not exactly a lady-killer (not that I was one before). Plus, it's not like I'm going to want to fuck the first cheap slut from college that wants to hop into bed with me (and besides, I'd rather NOT have to worry about STDs---monogamy makes sex a lot less stressful.) I'm not even sure I still have the ability to charm an attractive girl---so much of my "act" has been built around one specific girl and the things that turn HER on.

I guess on the bright side I'll have PLENTY of time for gaming (full-time job to keep from starving to death aside)...

Sorry to dump on everyone. I can't put this in my blog---my wife reads it and I don't want her to think I've given up completely, not when I'm still trying to convince her to work through this rather than divorce me. She doesn't post (or even lurk) here.

And if you want to share heartbreak stories so I don't feel like it's just me, I'd appreciate it. Thanks for reading.

(edit: It just occurs to me that I haven't been truly single since 1998. Between girlfriends, regular fuck buddies---"girlfriends" in all but name---, and my marriage, I've had female companionship on a constant basis for eleven years. Hm. Maybe if my wife needs to discover herself and DOES leave me I could learn a thing or five.

 

[grimsprice]

I freely profess my ignorance in this area. And would also like to say that if she can tell you something like that, your marriage is gone. The best you can hope for is a solution to your financial problems So try this, offer her some alternatives from just leaving completely. Make her remember the promise she made to back you financially while you went back to college.

Maybe if she really doesn't love you any more she can get the divorce, but stay with you until you graduate at least.

I know its not the "happy ending" solution. But it would take care of your financial problem at least... remember, "happy endings" are for stories that haven't finished yet.


EDIT: I would like to add that i have considerable "shrink" skills. Natural talent with reading people and manipulating emotion. But i can't do jack unless i can talk to her so i'm abstaining from offering psych help or marriage counseling.

EDIT2: Yes, and chronobreak adds to why its a good idea.

 

[Syntax Error]

Hm, life will probably blindside you right now and make your wife look here. Just kidding.

Save your marriage dude. That's all I can say... I'm not really good with relationship advice.

 

[Gxas]

Snip

I'm really sorry man. I wish I knew what to say to help you.

I also wish that I had more to contribute...

 

[chronobreak]

Simulord, you are certainly a valued member of our community, I'm sure most of us that come on here regularly will recognize you.

Divorce is a *****, but if she isn't happy, you aren't going to be able to convince her. Once someone has gotten to the point where they have built up the courage to reveal something like this, they have already been thinking about it for a long time. My advice to you would be to go through with it, and do the best to get your life on track again after it is done. I've known several people who have gotten divorced, and trust me, they are all happier a little ways down the road, because it beats living in misery and unhappiness. Time to start living for yourself again. And hey, at least you aren't old, imagine how hard it would be if this was happening when you were 55. It's easier to start over now. Grab some good friends, good beer, and some good games and take some time to sort yourself out, and let her do her own thing.

 

[magnuslion]

hmm, brother I think you and your wife needs counseling. what she will find, and I wish I could say this directly to her, is that having a spouse can neither help or hinder your progress in discovering yourself. it is something you must undertake yourself, and not be hung up on other people. I learned this to my chagrin, as I destroyed a relationship with someone I loved in order to move on in my mad quest. what she may find, as I have, is that she gave up something good, for something that may not even be out there.

I wish you well, brother. I wish I had more to say that was helpful.
Shalom

 

[DeadlyYellow]

Perhaps the best thing would be to go through a period of separation for the moment. It could go either way, but giving her a little space may bring her around.

 

[BakaSmurf]

The dog that I had for over 10 years was run over by the school bus and died on Friday.

It may not seem like a big deal to some, but let me say again that I had him for over 10 YEARS, he was practically a little brother to me (albiet a rather small and furry one) and losing him was fucking heartbreaking, and the fact that I have to keep him outside in a fucking TOOL BOX to preserve his body and protect him from scavenger animals until spring comes along and I can give him a proper burial, no less, and that my Dad doesn't really care, as evidenced by the fact that he has already bought 2 replacement dogs less than a FUCKING WEEK after my little buddy died only makes it worse...

Dammit... I miss my puppy...

 

[lazy_bum]

Simulord, you are certainly a valued member of our community, I'm sure most of us that come on here regularly will recognize you.

Divorce is a *****, but if she isn't happy, you aren't going to be able to convince her. Once someone has gotten to the point where they have built up the courage to reveal something like this, they have already been thinking about it for a long time. My advice to you would be to go through with it, and do the best to get your life on track again after it is done. I've known several people who have gotten divorced, and trust me, they are all happier a little ways down the road, because it beats living in misery and unhappiness. Time to start living for yourself again. And hey, at least you aren't old, imagine how hard it would be if this was happening when you were 55. It's easier to start over now. Grab some good friends, good beer, and some good games and take some time to sort yourself out, and let her do her own thing.

Even at 55 if it possible, my dad is managing it. just what sprang to mind when i saw that.

OT: Really wish i could be of help, i'm normally pretty good with help/advice. but in this case i have nothing. i'm only just starting at the other end of such a relationship compared to you. However i really wish you luck with this unfortunate situation. As my fairly recently divorced dad said: 'life is what you make of it, there is always a way through a situation, and in everything there is a chance to find happiness.'
seriously i wish you the best.

 

[HardRockSamurai]

First of all, you're not a complete stranger here mate; I've seen your name around plenty of times.

Besides, you're finally taking part one of The Escapist's most hallowed traditions: the "relationship thread"
[small]Honestly, this thread has to be the most tolerable one I've read by far. It pays to be a riter [/small]

As for your situation, the only advice I can give you is "Cheer Up!" Yeah, I know it's rather trite, but from the sound of things, it looks like your wife is pulling all the strings. So if you're going to be a puppet, you might as well be a happy one, right?

Additionally, I think you should try and work things out. There's a reason Henry VII preferred beheading his wives over divorcing them, because divorce sucks. It's a messy, awkward process that really should be a lot simpler. Avoid it at all costs.
[small]Also, please don't behead your wife. It's a bit messier.[/small]

Anyway, hope it works out.

 

[Random Argument Man]

A. I'll always remember you SimuLord. Who else do smart posts and have a Locke avatar?
B. Wasn't marriage supposed to be "When the goods and the bads happens"? Try something new or get some help. However, if you need like you need a break from each other, maybe you should have one.
C.32 doesn't mean you're losing your stuff. You could always get into shape or do something with yourself.

Sometime, a couple just need that little spark to come back.

 

[Chris0132]

If you're cogniscent of her desire to 'find herself', I don't really see why she would need to leave you. Surely it would be in both your interests to work through it together?

 

[Jou-LotD]

I almost feel like a troll, but she is 23 and you've been married for 5 years. That means she was 18 when you got married. And I am going to guess you didn't get married right after meeting each other, which means you were a 27/26 year old guy playing with jailbait. I'm not going to make that much of a stretch on this, but most people probably could of seen this coming. Surprised it took 5 years instead of 1 or 2.

From the rest of your complaints, you talk about how you aren't going to be able to snag a hottie as easily. And your first worries you expressed was that you are going to be financially screwed, not that the love of your life is leaving you. Honestly, perhaps if you weren't so selfish you would be ready for "true" adulthood and man up and take care of yourself. Next time, try not to depend on someone who is a almost a decade younger than you to support you. It is a good thing you didn't have kids, you obviously aren't mature enough to do it properly.

Enjoy your self pity and attention seeking.

 

[ethaninja]

Perhaps the best thing would be to go through a period of separation for the moment. It could go either way, but giving her a little space may bring her around.

Yeah that sounds about right.

 

[SimuLord]

Hell yea screw kids they suck

I still want kids someday...the older you get, the more you start thinking about your legacy. I don't want the screwball I used to strike people out with back in the day to go to the grave with me. (plus, what's the point of going to college to get a high-paying job if there's nobody to leave the money you can't spend to? You can't take it with you...)

 

[SimuLord]

Hell yea screw kids they suck

I still want kids someday...the older you get, the more you start thinking about your legacy. I don't want the screwball I used to strike people out with back in the day to go to the grave with me. (plus, what's the point of going to college to get a high-paying job if there's nobody to leave the money you can't spend to? You can't take it with you...)

No but you can get a solid gold casket and be ballin even in death.

As long as we're playin' that game, what makes you think it's gonna cost my whole net worth for a solid gold casket? Still got plenty of money after that and it's gotta go somewhere...

 

[dududf]

Wow, shit man.

That really...really sucks...

Well, as I'm not at that age where I can give proper advice, I'll have to just give some semi generic advice.

First off just talk, and see where the problem stems from, if she does not want to talk about it, give her some space.
(please note from here on out, I'm giving PREPERATION advice, not that I don't have faith that it will get better, but it's best to prepare for the possible)

Secure your finances, whether it be making cuts in your house, not using as many lights, try lowering rent (if you rent) and start looking for a semi decent part time job that you can do whilst schooling. I say part time as oppossed to full time, as a full time may push you too hard, and that much extra stress whilst in school is terrible (if you fail the year due to stress, then all of the money spent that year would have been wasted, bess to not over due that factor)

Estimate how long you have left until your college is done, and get a plan for aproximately how much you will need to spend each month to remain afloat, then add 20% and that's your budget, if you don't spend that extra 20% on emergencys, carry it over to the next (I.e., if you didn't touch that months emergency money, use it as the NEXT months emergency money)

If your mother is alive, I'd best quickly learn the ways of cheap cooking. If your mother has passed away, then friends mothers, aunts, or anyone who has cooked for their family on a semi regular basis should be able to help with cooking and shopping.

Over all I suggest finding out the route problem, and if she doesn't wish to talk about it prepare for the possible.


Sorry that I can't be more help, my knowlledge is limited on this particular topic, due to the whole age thing.