When life blindsides you and kicks you in the nuts (angsty whining warning)

[Tears of Blood]

Hmm. Sorry to hear about the marital problems...

I can't really give any good advice. There is no advice to give, really. What will happen will happen. You can try your best to prevent it, but either she will realize she's being a 'tard, or she'll leave you.

Furthermore, I can't really give advice in the finances department either.

Good luck and all, but not much any of us can do besides quietly feel for you.

 

[SimuLord]

Hmm. Sorry to hear about the marital problems...

I can't really give any good advice. There is no advice to give, really. What will happen will happen. You can try your best to prevent it, but either she will realize she's being a 'tard, or she'll leave you.

Furthermore, I can't really give advice in the finances department either.

Good luck and all, but not much any of us can do besides quietly feel for you.

Thanks to you (and everyone else) for the sentiment. Even the trolling dick, who pretty much encapsulated every "I brought this on myself by being an impulsive little 'tard when I was in my twenties" self-flagellation rant I inflicted on myself.

"Quietly feel for you" is the main reason I don't tend to be too dick-ish toward relationship threads when other people have them...it may seem trivial to the observer, but the drama is very real to whomever's writing that text. I hope I can help someone else down the road, either as a married man who survived some very tough times...or as an accountant flashing money around for cheap sex from hot chicks...or as a married family man trying to get it right the second time. Any long-term outcome is possible right now (then again, that was true long before my wife dropped today's bombshell on me.)

 

[Tears of Blood]

Thanks to you (and everyone else) for the sentiment. Even the trolling dick, who pretty much encapsulated every "I brought this on myself by being an impulsive little 'tard when I was in my twenties" self-flagellation rant I inflicted on myself.

"Quietly feel for you" is the main reason I don't tend to be too dick-ish toward relationship threads when other people have them...it may seem trivial to the observer, but the drama is very real to whomever's writing that text. I hope I can help someone else down the road, either as a married man who survived some very tough times...or as an accountant flashing money around for cheap sex from hot chicks...or as a married family man trying to get it right the second time. Any long-term outcome is possible right now (then again, that was true long before my wife dropped today's bombshell on me.)

Hey, no problem. I've had my fair share of hearbreaks before.

I would suggest, however, if she does take off, that you may consider having as little as possible to do with her. The pain gets a lot worse when you still communicate with them.

By the way, I always thought you were one of the more popular posters around here. I was already aware of you being an older married guy and such from reading some of your other posts a while back.

 

[loremazd]

I'd say do what you can. The trouble with this is likely the fact that you have had the experiences, the heartbreaks, the fuck buddies and the good relationships, and she's feeling like she never got that. And it is natural to feel trapped in that circumstance. I know this may not be any consolation, but it sure as hell isn't any failing of yourself, you sound like a good provider and an attentive person.

Right now she's scared, and likely depressed. It's rough to get past that, but not impossible. I think you two should try for a marriage counsilor, she needs someone to talk to who has the experience to know what she should do.

If you lose her, it's certainly not the end, and you might just give a year to just being you and enjoying yourself. Spend a bit of that cash on a vacation to somewhere you've always wanted to be, and come back refreshed and confident. Love can hurt, but you'll be alright.

 

[Acier]

Well, I would just remind her that marriage is a life long commitment, and then encourage her to go to counselling with you before she males her decision

 

[Khedive Rex]

You're attending college? Get a dorm or a cheap apartment near there for a semester. Give your wife your house. Take a part time job. Ensure that your wife will continue to pay for your student loans and support you in the ways you need to get by, but use the money you make from your part time job to offset her expenses.

She'll get her own space in the house where she can see what its like to be on her own and independant. You'll get a semester to be free and do some soul searching. More likely than not both of you will find the situation less than perfect, but thats the nature of compromise. At least this way neither of you get completely screwed and both of you get, arguably, what your looking for. In a semester you can meet up and talk it out, see where both of you want to go with your lives.

From a less logical perspective, I'm sorry man. I hope things work out for you.

 

[lSHaDoW-FoXl]

Divorce is fearful. When my mother divorced my father she took everything he had - Numerous things she shouldn't have. I feel greatly sorry to hear this. You cannot stall the inevitable, if she intends on leaving we cannot deny that everything will be all right.

But. Enough of me telling you of what you already know, I'm only an eighteen year old so I can't exactly give you any advice other then - Hope for the best, and pray to god when she divorces you it's an even break - She gets what she paid for, you get what you paid for.

Hope to god the court isn't brought into it, they always side with the one with a vagina.

Moving along, maybe all you need is to give her some air? That's usually the death of a relationship, it's as if the more you stay at home, the more harder it is to breathe. Maybe after some of that she'll decide to be with you.

 

[Tranka Verrane]

I almost feel like a troll, but she is 23 and you've been married for 5 years. That means she was 18 when you got married. And I am going to guess you didn't get married right after meeting each other, which means you were a 27/26 year old guy playing with jailbait. I'm not going to make that much of a stretch on this, but most people probably could of seen this coming. Surprised it took 5 years instead of 1 or 2.

From the rest of your complaints, you talk about how you aren't going to be able to snag a hottie as easily. And your first worries you expressed was that you are going to be financially screwed, not that the love of your life is leaving you. Honestly, perhaps if you weren't so selfish you would be ready for "true" adulthood and man up and take care of yourself. Next time, try not to depend on someone who is a almost a decade younger than you to support you. It is a good thing you didn't have kids, you obviously aren't mature enough to do it properly.

Enjoy your self pity and attention seeking.

Mostly this.

My wife and I split a couple of years ago after several years of painful relationship decline, culminating in me effectively having a nervous breakdown (after we'd agreed to split). I loved, and still love my wife deeply and can't imagine ever being as happy with anyone else again as I used to be with her, once upon a time. Like you, I married a woman who was young (though not quite that young) and despite her early protestations that this would never happen the person she grew into was no longer one that could be in love with me. I am still devastated by the loss and torn by grief for the loss of a person that no longer exists, but no-one else can share.

BUT... Your first thoughts appear to be of money and how you will get laid now that you've let yourself get fat and bald. Wow. Don't you seem a peach.

 

[xDarc]

I agree with the guy who more or less said what do ya expect? One of my friends is 26 and he's waiting for this 17 year old girl to turn 18 so they can have this magical relationship. He talks about how great it's gonna be and I never hear the end of it.

I really like him. He's a good friend. I'm not supportive of him liking this girl on account of how young she is. I give him a hard time about, to his face.

You're a guy on the internet. So whatever I said to my friend, to his face- I could say worse to you. I won't. I'm just saying the other guy had a valid point.

Anyhow- what's done is done. I'd say the best thing to do is to start looking into coming out of your marriage with as little pain as possible. Read up on divorce if you haven't already. See what her expectations of the process are. *shrugs*

Yeah. You can try and show her you love her, if you still do. If you do a really good job, she may feel that anyone else could only be marginally better than you and it's not worth the risk to bail. But- the doubt is already there. Doubt is a *****. I'd hate to see you find yourself in the same situation with her next time she loses the faith.

So- that's why I suggest just going straight into cover your ass mode. Become an efficient and calculating divorce machine. Get back to a gym. Get some Rogaine. Look into reducing that debt. Etc.

 

[Octorok]

Mostly this.

My wife and I split a couple of years ago after several years of painful relationship decline, culminating in me effectively having a nervous breakdown (after we'd agreed to split). I loved, and still love my wife deeply and can't imagine ever being as happy with anyone else again as I used to be with her, once upon a time. Like you, I married a woman who was young (though not quite that young) and despite her early protestations that this would never happen the person she grew into was no longer one that could be in love with me. I am still devastated by the loss and torn by grief for the loss of a person that no longer exists, but no-one else can share.

BUT... Your first thoughts appear to be of money and how you will get laid now that you've let yourself get fat and bald. Wow. Don't you seem a peach.

Only the thing is... those are issues to consider in this. It may seem shallow I know but you can't just mope around a situation like this and cry out to the Gods to bring back your love - you have to thik about stuff like money, living space, how you're going to work this and, well, sex. Again it seems shallow but if you spend five years having sex in one place and then she leaves it does present a new way of looking at your sex life tbat you hadn't anticipated.

I have neither the experience nor the wisdom to advise you hear but I really do feel for you. You are not a stranger here by any means - I am nothing if not a gigantic slobbering fanboy. We share a common love of one thing in Rome : Total War.

Try to talk her out of the divorce. She says she needs her own space and that she can't see her life but for having you in it, so you're going to have to go through some rough times, but really. If you can don't get a divorce. Someone already said that marriage is about taking the good times with the bad, and if you can work hard enough at this I reckon that you may be able to do something about it.

She never said anything about her not loving you, or somebody else. I take this to mean that she still loves you, at least in a way that extends to five years of matrimony. That really is something. Try to give her the space and time she needs.

 

[Ziadaine_v1legacy]

bloody hell, 27 and she was 18? God I hope I dont have to wait that long. All I can say is pull out all the stops and try and save your marriage.

 

[Frankydee]

Wow that sucks man but it kindah proves my point I always try to make to these young people getting married in their teens. Seems like 3/4ths of the girls I meet are so hell bent on getting hitched as soon as possible for some unknown reason almost like it's some fucking stupid status symbol or something.

well anyway, at the least just try and keep the marriage together but let yourselves separate for a bit. Tell her to go move back in with her mother for a while. Distance and time away from each other should help out.

And just so you don't feel bad here's an old breakup story of mine:

Back when I was 17 I met the first girl I could truly say I actually loved. She was the yin to my yang, the perfect church going, pleasant, loving individual. We dated for something like... 7 months before she had a problem and we broke up. It wasn't even a month before we met up again and started going out again. Unfortunately that only lasted for like... another 3 months before she just up and decided that I was "too different." Which I hand it to her that yea I'm not exactly the most devout church goer in history.

The funny part though is that she ended up dating this one dude she'd known for a while and they got engaged shortly into their relationship. Well as it turns out the guy was a stalker and he got hauled off by the cops one night after she caught him crawling around the bushes outside her house. Now you'd think she'd learned her lesson about getting engaged to people she barely knows but then comes along some other dude she barely knows and they're engaged within the first two months! I got invited to the reception that I was too busy to attend when it actually came up but to this day I'm just waiting for that email from her saying "you were right" so I can write her some self satisfied reply about what an idiot she is.

sorry for the wall of text. Anyway, chin up dude.

 

[SimuLord]

I almost feel like a troll, but she is 23 and you've been married for 5 years. That means she was 18 when you got married. And I am going to guess you didn't get married right after meeting each other, which means you were a 27/26 year old guy playing with jailbait. I'm not going to make that much of a stretch on this, but most people probably could of seen this coming. Surprised it took 5 years instead of 1 or 2.

From the rest of your complaints, you talk about how you aren't going to be able to snag a hottie as easily. And your first worries you expressed was that you are going to be financially screwed, not that the love of your life is leaving you. Honestly, perhaps if you weren't so selfish you would be ready for "true" adulthood and man up and take care of yourself. Next time, try not to depend on someone who is a almost a decade younger than you to support you. It is a good thing you didn't have kids, you obviously aren't mature enough to do it properly.

Enjoy your self pity and attention seeking.

Mostly this.

My wife and I split a couple of years ago after several years of painful relationship decline, culminating in me effectively having a nervous breakdown (after we'd agreed to split). I loved, and still love my wife deeply and can't imagine ever being as happy with anyone else again as I used to be with her, once upon a time. Like you, I married a woman who was young (though not quite that young) and despite her early protestations that this would never happen the person she grew into was no longer one that could be in love with me. I am still devastated by the loss and torn by grief for the loss of a person that no longer exists, but no-one else can share.

BUT... Your first thoughts appear to be of money and how you will get laid now that you've let yourself get fat and bald. Wow. Don't you seem a peach.

I know I'm catching flak for the very shallow set of worries I stuck in my original post, but to be quite honest, right now the only thing that keeps me from going completely batshit crazy about this is the stuff I can directly control. It's in the nature of my personality when things get really crazy in my life to think "OK, well, what can I do so I feel like I'm doing something?"

So most of my thoughts these days are of "who gets the apartment", "are my investments and my good credit enough to survive until I can find a job in this economy that will work around my school schedule", and "do I have enough charm and charisma that a woman would still like me even as the love of my life decides she doesn't?" Thinking all those maudlin thoughts about "boo hoo, my one true love is going away" just isn't in my nature, not when I might have to fight that woman to the death in divorce court---that's the stuff that broke, desperate divorced guys are made of.

As for ever seeing her again? Ten bucks says she just moves back to Edmonton, where she's from, lives with her dad for a while, and puts her life back together up in Canada. One reason she's so miserable is that she hates living in Reno but we're kinda stuck here for awhile because of money.

(and I've thought about on-campus housing...when I go to UNR next year---I'm in community college right now---I might just apply for on-campus housing or answer a roommate ad. It'd be kind of weird being 33 and having adventures that most folks have when they're 18...would Will Ferrell play me in the movie?)

EDIT: Also, "fat and bald"? I may be losing my hair, but I take umbrage at the "fat" comment. I haven't gained an ounce since the wedding day (my wife's gained 20 pounds...)

 

[JediMutant]

Hey Simu... Another PotDer found this while lurking about... I don't think the rest of PotD has seen it, but I wanted to come and say that I feel really bad for you and I hope things work out.

You always were one of my favorite posters back on good ole board 3.

 

[SimuLord]

Wow...umm, welcome to the Escapist?

Foxx and I actually argued about how she treated you online. I always liked you, but she loved to rip you online and off. Part of why we're splitting up is that I could never stand the way she treated people she decided she didn't like (and when I had that cannon pointed at me, I wasn't terribly surprised by it.)

 

[JediMutant]

I always liked you, but she loved to rip you online and off. Part of why we're splitting up is that I could never stand the way she treated people she decided she didn't like (and when I had that cannon pointed at me, I wasn't terribly surprised by it.)

Wow... Just wow... I've disliked how she & I interacted on PotD, but it never got to me like that.

Really though, I hope things turn out the better for you... I'm sorry that your marriage didn't work out... I honestly do feel bad for you, and I hope that you're truly able to move on after all of this is over.

 

[Ekonk]

I honestly don't know what advice I should give because I don't have any experience on this.

All I can say is: if she is not happy, the only solution is making her happy, while keeping you happy at the same time.

 

[SimuLord]

I honestly don't know what advice I should give because I don't have any experience on this.

All I can say is: if she is not happy, the only solution is making her happy, while keeping you happy at the same time.

For what it's worth, we've agreed to divorce. She's going to just pack whatever she can into a couple of suitcases, get on a plane, and go to Canada (where she's from and has family). She said "I don't want your money. You need it more than I do. I never wanted to hurt you, I just can't do this anymore. I hope you get rich, I hope you find someone who's more like you, I hope you move back to Boston and I hope you're happy when you get there."

Basically, "you're a great guy, just not for me."

So I'm divorced. Where da ladies at, yo?

 

[BonsaiK]

I know that despite my post count I'm a complete stranger here. If you want to ignore me, go right ahead. Anyway...

My wife told me today that she's not happy anymore in our nearly five-year marriage. It's not that there's someone else---in her words, "right now and for the foreseeable future, I just don't want to be with anyone. I feel trapped here, like having you in my life is why I can't figure out who I want to be." She's 23---she was quite young when we got married, and I don't think either of us realized just how much she wasn't ready for "true" adulthood when she went directly from her mother's house to mine. She thought it was what she wanted---and I'm sure it was at the time---but right now I'm just not that person in her life anymore.

We don't have any kids, so at least that won't be an issue. But my finances will be utterly ruined if she does decide to go through with the divorce and if we can't somehow rescue our marriage from today's Hiroshima-class revelation. I went back to college because she agreed to support me while I got my degree, and I'll be on the hook for a shit ton of student loan debt unless I can somehow combine a full time job with a full time education (and with unemployment in Reno at 13.3%, that's a tall order!)

What's more, I haven't had sex with anyone but my wife in years---and I'm not as good-looking at 32 as I was at 27. I've got less hair, more weathering, and I'm not exactly a lady-killer (not that I was one before). Plus, it's not like I'm going to want to fuck the first cheap slut from college that wants to hop into bed with me (and besides, I'd rather NOT have to worry about STDs---monogamy makes sex a lot less stressful.) I'm not even sure I still have the ability to charm an attractive girl---so much of my "act" has been built around one specific girl and the things that turn HER on.

I guess on the bright side I'll have PLENTY of time for gaming (full-time job to keep from starving to death aside)...

Sorry to dump on everyone. I can't put this in my blog---my wife reads it and I don't want her to think I've given up completely, not when I'm still trying to convince her to work through this rather than divorce me. She doesn't post (or even lurk) here.

And if you want to share heartbreak stories so I don't feel like it's just me, I'd appreciate it. Thanks for reading.

(edit: It just occurs to me that I haven't been truly single since 1998. Between girlfriends, regular fuck buddies---"girlfriends" in all but name---, and my marriage, I've had female companionship on a constant basis for eleven years. Hm. Maybe if my wife needs to discover herself and DOES leave me I could learn a thing or five.

I have posted a reply to this in bla bla bla you know the drill: ----> http://www.escapistmagazine.com/forums/read/18.117161?page=16#4033943