Hello Fellow escapists... its roughly 5 AM over here, and I have finally been able to pull a bit of my thoughts together. The Following Paragraphs can be considered a rant with a serious future life deciding decision that I am having a hard time with. My only other options could be shelling out $10k worth of therapy sessions that could probably give the same results as a collective of intelligent individuals giving me their own thoughts and experiences.
And so here I begin.
About myself, and my situation. I am Currently 22, when I was 18,upon my High school graduation, as most people find out after they graduate, my parents threw an ultimatum at me:
I could continue to live at their house for free by working for them for free(my parents Home is both a home and a Mentally Handicapped/Disabled care facility) which consists of caring for these people as well as basically becoming a slave to any wish that my parents have, which I have practically done since I could walk anyways. The Side benefits would be that they would pay 100% for my College Fee's.
BUT, Should I find my own better paying job, which I would need to get anyways if I were to ever get some financial backing should I move out, I would have to pay them an absurd $2k a month for rent, and if I were to move out of the house for better rent and more in-dependability, they would threaten to stop paying for College on top of that. Which at that point in time with the economy, the choice was clear, and I decided to choose the Paid College route.
Now, 4 years later still doing college(part time) and working/living with my parents, and I believe that I have been put into some form of unending torment, which my parents have constructed. Let me put it this way, consider your current Boss, now consider them being the most horrible boss you can imagine, now picture them knowing everything about you since you were born, all of your faults and all of your mistakes that you have ever made growing up, and oh yeah last but not least, they live with you 24/7!
My daily "slave" work consists of the following, rather then give me a list of things that they want me to do for the day, they have me report to them after every task is complete, like as if I am suppose to wait on their every wish and whim, there are no normal or defined work hours, I work until they see fit, and since there are no defined work hours, they have me doing tasks at all hours of the day. leaving me little to set and guarantee for a personal life.
Should I ever miss something or make a mistake, no matter how small or how trivial it is, my parents will then declare that I am incompetent, and that I never change, and to prove their point, they then bring up something similar that I did when I was 9.... When they give me a task, every time they talk to me as if I am stupid, for example: "Clean this bathroom, and make sure you use cleanser." Like really... who doesn't use cleanser....the lists goes on, and the annoyances themselves are small, but they add up, but over the years, I've noticed that its been escalating, smaller and smaller things set them off, it doesn't even have to make sense anymore, as long as they saw fit, they would bring it up, declare that I would never make it in the real world, any Boss would fire me within the first week, anything you can possibly think of that's verbally demeaning, they have indirectly or flat out directly said it. Not to mention, there is no privacy... I bought myself new door knobs that locked with a key, a few months later, my parents removed the door/doorknobs and replaced it with one that doesn't, so even if I wanted to get away from them, I couldn't.
I have tried confronting them about the shit their pulling, but it always ends the same way... "if you don't like it, you can move out." So for the entire sake of my Education, I have been trying to put up with their badgering, and threats of kicking me out of the house. To cope with it all, one of my coping mechanisms is games of course, it was one of the first things that helped me drown them out of my thoughts while I was a kid, and at this point can be considered an addiction in my life, I have to play a game just to temporarily relieve my mind of the stress its going through on a daily basis. One of my other coping mechanisms that I have created during these past 4 years has been to intentionally throw back stress back at them, whether its intentionally doing a shitty job just to spite them(which doesn't help with their idea about my competence, but at the same time... what will?), or being rudely sarcastic with each and every task. I Even did exceptional jobs just to see if it would make things better, but since I'm not perfect and can't account for every possible thing, I eventually might miss something which then to my parents acts like a Combo breaker of all the exceptional work I've done up and till that point, which then they go right back to the badgering and saying that I never change and that When I was 12, I mixed white clothes with colored clothes in the washer...
Trying to cope with it all has been helping me less and less, it could be that they aren't getting worse with their badgering, just my ability to tolerate it. In addition, this past year I have been battling with depression by myself, along with my levels of self confidence, falling in and out of it almost on a weekly basis, and with it I can feel myself having more disgust for everything, and becoming more numb and even something on the lines of a borderline sociopath.
I would have loved to toy with the idea of going into the Military, but, on account of damaging my bones in my knee and arm as a kid, which both have never fully healed and to this day are a constant reminder that I wouldn't be accepted.
I know my situation isn't the worst, there are those that are homeless, others that have to pay for their own schooling, etc. But at this point, as the title implies, does the negatives outweigh the positives? Should I take a chance and throw myself out there, to see if I can somehow lift this mental/emotional weight of mine while putting my life's financial burden on me with College/rent at the same time? Or, Should I try to hang in there and deal with it for as long as I can, till I am done with school and have some form of a degree behind me that will help me get a foot into the door?
As you can probably tell, I am already back into Depression, which is kind of why I am posting this as a way to pull myself out of it again. So on a Side question, Have any of you fellow escapists been put through a similar situation? What was your decision? Do you regret it?
And so here I begin.
About myself, and my situation. I am Currently 22, when I was 18,upon my High school graduation, as most people find out after they graduate, my parents threw an ultimatum at me:
I could continue to live at their house for free by working for them for free(my parents Home is both a home and a Mentally Handicapped/Disabled care facility) which consists of caring for these people as well as basically becoming a slave to any wish that my parents have, which I have practically done since I could walk anyways. The Side benefits would be that they would pay 100% for my College Fee's.
BUT, Should I find my own better paying job, which I would need to get anyways if I were to ever get some financial backing should I move out, I would have to pay them an absurd $2k a month for rent, and if I were to move out of the house for better rent and more in-dependability, they would threaten to stop paying for College on top of that. Which at that point in time with the economy, the choice was clear, and I decided to choose the Paid College route.
Now, 4 years later still doing college(part time) and working/living with my parents, and I believe that I have been put into some form of unending torment, which my parents have constructed. Let me put it this way, consider your current Boss, now consider them being the most horrible boss you can imagine, now picture them knowing everything about you since you were born, all of your faults and all of your mistakes that you have ever made growing up, and oh yeah last but not least, they live with you 24/7!
My daily "slave" work consists of the following, rather then give me a list of things that they want me to do for the day, they have me report to them after every task is complete, like as if I am suppose to wait on their every wish and whim, there are no normal or defined work hours, I work until they see fit, and since there are no defined work hours, they have me doing tasks at all hours of the day. leaving me little to set and guarantee for a personal life.
Should I ever miss something or make a mistake, no matter how small or how trivial it is, my parents will then declare that I am incompetent, and that I never change, and to prove their point, they then bring up something similar that I did when I was 9.... When they give me a task, every time they talk to me as if I am stupid, for example: "Clean this bathroom, and make sure you use cleanser." Like really... who doesn't use cleanser....the lists goes on, and the annoyances themselves are small, but they add up, but over the years, I've noticed that its been escalating, smaller and smaller things set them off, it doesn't even have to make sense anymore, as long as they saw fit, they would bring it up, declare that I would never make it in the real world, any Boss would fire me within the first week, anything you can possibly think of that's verbally demeaning, they have indirectly or flat out directly said it. Not to mention, there is no privacy... I bought myself new door knobs that locked with a key, a few months later, my parents removed the door/doorknobs and replaced it with one that doesn't, so even if I wanted to get away from them, I couldn't.
I have tried confronting them about the shit their pulling, but it always ends the same way... "if you don't like it, you can move out." So for the entire sake of my Education, I have been trying to put up with their badgering, and threats of kicking me out of the house. To cope with it all, one of my coping mechanisms is games of course, it was one of the first things that helped me drown them out of my thoughts while I was a kid, and at this point can be considered an addiction in my life, I have to play a game just to temporarily relieve my mind of the stress its going through on a daily basis. One of my other coping mechanisms that I have created during these past 4 years has been to intentionally throw back stress back at them, whether its intentionally doing a shitty job just to spite them(which doesn't help with their idea about my competence, but at the same time... what will?), or being rudely sarcastic with each and every task. I Even did exceptional jobs just to see if it would make things better, but since I'm not perfect and can't account for every possible thing, I eventually might miss something which then to my parents acts like a Combo breaker of all the exceptional work I've done up and till that point, which then they go right back to the badgering and saying that I never change and that When I was 12, I mixed white clothes with colored clothes in the washer...
Trying to cope with it all has been helping me less and less, it could be that they aren't getting worse with their badgering, just my ability to tolerate it. In addition, this past year I have been battling with depression by myself, along with my levels of self confidence, falling in and out of it almost on a weekly basis, and with it I can feel myself having more disgust for everything, and becoming more numb and even something on the lines of a borderline sociopath.
I would have loved to toy with the idea of going into the Military, but, on account of damaging my bones in my knee and arm as a kid, which both have never fully healed and to this day are a constant reminder that I wouldn't be accepted.
I know my situation isn't the worst, there are those that are homeless, others that have to pay for their own schooling, etc. But at this point, as the title implies, does the negatives outweigh the positives? Should I take a chance and throw myself out there, to see if I can somehow lift this mental/emotional weight of mine while putting my life's financial burden on me with College/rent at the same time? Or, Should I try to hang in there and deal with it for as long as I can, till I am done with school and have some form of a degree behind me that will help me get a foot into the door?
As you can probably tell, I am already back into Depression, which is kind of why I am posting this as a way to pull myself out of it again. So on a Side question, Have any of you fellow escapists been put through a similar situation? What was your decision? Do you regret it?
