Where do babies come from?

[Cuppa Tetleys]

Babies come from Martians that flew down to earth using giant ear cleaner's disguised as George Lucas figurienes, and they feed a woman a curry dashed with veggies, cashew nuts, perhaps some naan bread untill she gets really fat around the stomach. Then you stab her repeatedly with a knife untill the baby bleeds out of her.
Wanna know where rain comes from?

Didn't think so.

 

[fix-the-spade]

]I'm well aware of that. I was asking what ways of telling him would scar him or at least make the next few weeks rather dramatic.

Oh right, in that case.

I'd sit him down in front of this nice little film called Alien. The explain that babies are made in basically the same way, except daddy did that to mummy and then mummy's tummy exploded instead of daddy's.

 

[Red Right Hand]

timmy wouldnt ruin my dreams...

they are kinda low-scale...

anyway... i would tell him he REALLY doesnt want to know.

"yes i do!"

o rly?

"ya rly!"


*internet porn*

"AAAAAAAAAAAAAAGGGGGHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!"

To be honest. If it's my kid, then he'll probably be like "sweet."

 

[Kurokami]

]

This is your son Timmy. Focus all your rage into him.

Here is the scenario.
Seven years into the future, your life is a complete wreck after you got someone/got pregnant.
During the few years you had to raise Timmy by yourself.
In that time your dreams were shattered, you rarely have time for yourself and you've became slightly crazy/crazier.
One day in your miserable life, Timmy asked you where do babies come from.
What would you tell him?
By this time you'd have little or no contempt towards him at all so your most likely thought is "I'm going to mess up his world".
In your reply to his question you can you say you'll show him a video or book but do not set up any links to them.
Important note: This thread is just for fun and shouldn't be taken seriously in the slightest so relax and of course enjoy yourself.
P.S. The picture of the kid is not your Timmy.
P.P.S. What does P.S. stand for?
P.P.P.S. Thanks for telling me what P.S. meant.

Post script.

I think you made a mistake there,

If you say "you have little, or no contempt for him, so of course you're gonna want to mess with his world" (paraphrasing) if you had no contempt for him then why would you mess with his world?

If I wanted to screw with him I'd tell him the truth... with visual aid.

 

[Sparrow]

I'd tell Timmy. In graphic detail. I'd draw pictures and everything.

Yes, this, a thousand times.

Just to see the colour from his tiny, evil face drain away...

 

[Enigma6667]

 

[Joe Deadman]

I would show him a clip from aliens of a facehugger and chest burster and tell him its like that >.
Truthfully probably some kinda not too graphic book and let him ask any further questions and answer them as best I can.

 

[Subzerowings]

Me: Well Timmy, I guess you should know where they come from so I'll tell you....but only after I tell to you where icecream comes from! You'd want to know that right Timmy?

Timmy: Of course!

Me: Good boy!
*hands over a gun*
This is a machine that makes icecream!
You just have to put in your mouth and pull this trigger.
The icecream is so delicious, it's like your in heaven!
*grins*

Timmy: Oh! I saw you feed mommy last night!
Where is she anyway?

Me: I have a feeling you'll be seeing her soon....

*Timmy pulls the trigger*
*I go get me some icecream*

-The end

....and that people, is how you avoid a difficult conversation.

 

[Moridinice]

i want to know from the op if he is male of female.

male would say babies come from vagina and show pictures of some unspoiled ones. scarring the kid for life.

female would use the "from love" option making the kid think love is just for making babies and does not want any social commitment for the rest of his life.

me,, i told mine that santa claus came with his little brother and put it into mommy.

he knows im joking but i avoided the issue

 

[Me55enger]

"Babies come from the girls stupidity for leading him on all fecking night and the boys inability to correctly apply a condom"

and then wait 8 years and secondary education until he agrees with you...

 

[KitsunetheFox]

The kid is lucky, I got the truth (and I mean the WHOLE TRUTH) when I was three years old.

First, I tell him this:
Well, the aliens came down from the sky with you all grown up but scrunched into a small ball. Then they made your mother eat you. Slowly, you began to grow within her and feed upon her very flesh and blood. After 9 months of "feeding", you emerged out of your mother in a stream of blood, reborn as a baby.

Then; a few minutes later after the kid's horrified look stops being entertaining, I'd tell him that his face is made of candy. It'll be hilarious watching him try to EAT HIS OWN FACE.

In all seriousness, he would still be my son. First, I'd tell him that the truth is rather disturbing and ask him if he believes that he's ready. Second, I'd tell him the whole truth. Third, I'd feed him to the Sarlaac and maniacally laugh as it consumes him.

 

[skitzo van]

"Timmy, babies come from religious cults, they make you out of spam and old war veterans. I remember when you were grandpa Timmy."

 

[CoverYourHead]

I point the kid at the computer and tell him to google image Pokemon.

And thus the world's next serial killer is born.

 

[UsefulPlayer 1]

"Ask your teacher."

I pay taxes after all.

 

[Grayjack]

I would show him this:

 

[BluenetteDiviner]

A monster that has eaten something it shouldn't have and spits out a kid after 9 months of severe stomach cramps... or something like that...

 

[Danpascooch]

You have to browse /b/ until the child shows up, if you don't do it at least 1 hour per day, not only will you never be able to have a child, but you'll be thrown in jail

 

[skyfire_freckles]

This is terrible. You should be ashamed of yourself.

I would tell him straight out, "a baby grows in his mother's uterus". then I'd let him ask more questions and answer them straight. I'd let him guide the discussion. He's my son, wherever he came from. I'd rather have to raise a child by myself than have a child I could never see.

 

[Hoppetussa]

"From the very depths of Hell itself!"