Why can't I have fun any more? How to get it back?

[Cowabungaa]

Well we've started with Cognitive Behavior Therapy, but that's going very slow and it's very frustrating. Other than that, no, nothing yet. We're awaiting the results of the psychological examination I went through, but that's quite a hastle too as she says my parents should come with me despite me not wanting that and them not wanting it.

 

[Melian]

Yeah, CBT takes time, but it's less invasive than psychotherapy at least. Relaxing techinques like meditation, Qi Gong/Tai Chi/Yoga, and to some extent massage are some other things you could try if wish.
If you're over 18 then just say no (to her wanting your parents there), she can't go against your wishes in that.

 

[Cowabungaa]

I've always wanted to try meditation yes, but sadly I'm just not in the environment for it. Good tip though.

I'll definitely protest some more against my parents coming along. They don't want it, I don't want it, so what can they do? She keeps yapping about how it's protocol. I don't care about protocol.

 

[Melian]

There are really many different alternative treatments, only one google search away! ^^

Yeah, if you say no, it's no. Doesn't matter whether it's "protocol" or whatever, you still have the final say. It's your treatment, and while she may provide it, she doesn't dictate it. It really makes me pissed when other healthcare professionals don't do their job properly!

 

[Danny Ocean]

So, does anyone recognise this? That is, something like this outside of a random, normal boredom spell. It's so incredibly frustrating, I don't really know where it comes from and I have no idea how to fix it. It's like I've lost this spark inside me and I don't know how to get it back.

I had that. It's indirectly cost me several university places.

I unplugged all electronics for a month and filled my time with reading non-fiction, practicing martial arts, bettering myself, and socializing. Many people say they find it hard to socialize. Often this is because they feel they can't relate to those who they try to talk to. The more things you do, the more you can talk about, and so the more people you can relate to.

Games, the internet, and TV are massive time sinks. As much as people on here might claim otherwise.

Once you start doing things other than games and surfing the net, you'll have more to talk about. Once you have more to talk about, you'll find it easier to make friends. Once you have a group of friends, you'll start going out and doing stuff again. Once you start doing stuff again, you'll have more to talk about. And so on and so on...

 

[Cowabungaa]

So, does anyone recognise this? That is, something like this outside of a random, normal boredom spell. It's so incredibly frustrating, I don't really know where it comes from and I have no idea how to fix it. It's like I've lost this spark inside me and I don't know how to get it back.

I had that. It's indirectly cost me several university places.

I unplugged all electronics for a month and filled my time with reading non-fiction, practicing martial arts, bettering myself, and socializing. Many people say they find it hard to socialize. Often this is because they feel they can't relate to those who they try to talk to. The more things you do, the more you can talk about, and so the more people you can relate to.

Games, the internet, and TV are massive time sinks. As much as people on here might claim otherwise.

Once you start doing things other than games and surfing the net, you'll have more to talk about. Once you have more to talk about, you'll find it easier to make friends. Once you have a group of friends, you'll start going out and doing stuff again. Once you start doing stuff again, you'll have more to talk about. And so on and so on...

A bold idea indeed, respect that you managed. It's one I wouldn't do myself as it means giving up a lot of things I'm truly passionate about, even though I don't seem to feeling it right now.

But the thing is, while something like that in a slimmed down form sounds good, there's still the problem that I don't really care about anything else. I'd love to spend some more time away from the computer (I don't mind the gaming, TV-shows and music bit, I do mind the endless staring blankly at the screen lurking on forums or youtube) but there's nothing I really care about that I could and want to do instead of that.

There's nothing I could do well anyway. Martial arts? Hah, I'd get myself in a wheelchair. Socializing? With these hicks?! *shudder* Reading non-fiction? Meh. Wouldn't know what to do or why. Well, I did one other thing, which is join a boardgame club in the hope of finding like-minded individuals, for the sake of socialising as well. It has worked in a certain degree, but not fantastically, so I'm a wee bit bummed out about that one. I've tried starting to learn for my driver's license but quickly gave up on that (which has sparked a huge fight with daddy-o). Other than that there's nothing.

The lack of care extends beyond what I'm already doing and into everything else, and I'm fearing it'll affect my future as well. Nowadays I'm not too sure about going back to college. While I technically want to, because I'd rather off myself right now than do this measily worthless job for another year, I feel like I'll probably fail and/or give up quickly anyway. So why bother you know? And that thought seeps in pretty much everything I'd want to undertake. I know it's very destructive and harmful for myself, yet I don't feel like I can do anything against it. It's incredibly frustrating.

There are really many different alternative treatments, only one google search away! ^^

Yeah, if you say no, it's no. Doesn't matter whether it's "protocol" or whatever, you still have the final say. It's your treatment, and while she may provide it, she doesn't dictate it. It really makes me pissed when other healthcare professionals don't do their job properly!

Well, after tht huge fight with dad he now insists on coming along, so there's nothing I can do now. Dammit...

 

[Danny Ocean]

A bold idea indeed, respect that you managed. It's one I wouldn't do myself as it means giving up a lot of things I'm truly passionate about, even though I don't seem to feeling it right now.

But the thing is, while something like that in a slimmed down form sounds good, there's still the problem that I don't really care about anything else. I'd love to spend some more time away from the computer (I don't mind the gaming, TV-shows and music bit, I do mind the endless staring blankly at the screen lurking on forums or youtube) but there's nothing I really care about that I could and want to do instead of that.

There's nothing I could do well anyway. Martial arts? Hah, I'd get myself in a wheelchair. Socializing? With these hicks?! *shudder* Reading non-fiction? Meh. Wouldn't know what to do or why. Well, I did one other thing, which is join a boardgame club in the hope of finding like-minded individuals, for the sake of socialising as well. It has worked in a certain degree, but not fantastically, so I'm a wee bit bummed out about that one. I've tried starting to learn for my driver's license but quickly gave up on that (which has sparked a huge fight with daddy-o). Other than that there's nothing.

The lack of care extends beyond what I'm already doing and into everything else, and I'm fearing it'll affect my future as well. Nowadays I'm not too sure about going back to college. While I technically want to, because I'd rather off myself right now than do this measily worthless job for another year, I feel like I'll probably fail and/or give up quickly anyway. So why bother you know? And that thought seeps in pretty much everything I'd want to undertake. I know it's very destructive and harmful for myself, yet I don't feel like I can do anything against it. It's incredibly frustrating.

All I see there is a big block of self-depreciating excuses.

The first couple of lines are about being afraid to try new things. The second paragraph simply restates the problem I tried to address (too much computing). The third is just a load of crap about why you supposedly can't do things- do you know what I was like when I took up martial arts?! The fourth simply re-iterates a problem, and highlights an undercurrent present in the whole post:

Why are you so afraid of failure?

You've got to break the habits and try something new. If there's nothing for you where you are now, then why not save up for a bit and go elsewhere? You thought what I did was extreme; in my gap year I'm thinking about attending a spartan martial arts academy in China for two months!

One thing I implore you to do, is read this book. [http://www.amazon.co.uk/Age-Absurdity-Modern-Makes-Happy/dp/1847375243] Seriously. Buy it and read it. It's not a bible, but it nonetheless kicked me into enjoying life again and taking opportunities when they presented themselves.

 

[Cowabungaa]

All I see there is a big paragraph of self-depreciating excuses. Why are you so afraid of failure?

Harsh but true I suppose. I don't think I'm that afraid for it any more. I just expect it because I've failed at everything that ever mattered. It's an automatic response, I'm aware of it and I have no idea how to combat it. The most frustrating thing about it is that I know that I haven't always been like that, yet I can't feel it.

You've got to break the habits and try something new. If there's nothing for you where you are now, then why not save up for a bit and go elsewhere? You thought what I did was extreme; in my gap year I'm thinking about attending a spartan martial arts academy in China for two months!

One thing I implore you to do, is read this book. [http://www.amazon.co.uk/Age-Absurdity-Modern-Makes-Happy/dp/1847375243] Seriously. Buy it and read it. It's not a bible, but it nonetheless kicked me into enjoying life again and taking opportunities when they presented themselves.

Mind you, I've tried a couple of new things; going to the cinema alone, go to a boardgame/tabletop/geek shop and through them hooked up with that gaming club, change my clothing style, go the gym, start learning for my driver's license. Nothing had any effect, so it seems.

That book looks interesting by the way, but I'm known for my stubborness, I don't often take advice from books. Then there's the thing that I know a lot of things about my current situation. I know I could get my driver's license but I don't feel it. My heart and mind are completely disconnected so it seems.

 

[Danny Ocean]

All I see there is a big paragraph of self-depreciating excuses. Why are you so afraid of failure?

Harsh but true I suppose. I don't think I'm that afraid of it any more. I just expect it because I've failed at everything that ever mattered. It's an automatic response, I'm aware of it and I have no idea how to combat it. The most frustrating thing about it is that I know that I haven't always been like that, yet I can't feel it.

I heavily edited that post, by the way, be sure to read it.

I'm harsh because I used to be just like that. Granted, I was younger, however, the phrase: "I've failed at everything that ever mattered" seems to lose a lot of its weight when you associate it with a twenty-something year old, no? You're still young!

Mind you, I've tried a couple of new things; going to the cinema alone, go to a boardgame/tabletop/geek shop and through them hooked up with that gaming club, change my clothing style, go the gym. Nothing had any effect, so it seems.

Well going to the cinema alone doesn't do anyone any good (besides film critics). The gym, too, is a pointless endevour. Even for me. There's just no drive and gyms are often full of narcissistic pricks. They're boring as hell. Changing clothing style simply changes the way other people see you, not how you see yourself. That's the core problem here. You've been so limited in interests for so long I suspect you neglected responsibilities when they mattered in the pursuit of those interests.

That's why I advocated a solitary sport in the form of a martial art- despite popular portrayal, martial arts are not about beating the other learners, but about self-fulfillment. They're all about the individual. They're also quite cognitive as sports go, requiring memorization of routines and precise implementation of your knowledge. I honestly think you'd like it. Of course you'd suck at the beginning, but you'll get better fast.

It's funny. During my first belt grading (From white- the first belt, to yellow- the second) I was the only teenager in a room full of toddlers. It was funny, but no-one was judging me.

That book looks interesting by the way, but I'm known for my stubborness, I don't often take advice from books. Then there's the thing that I know a lot of things about my current situation. I know I could get my driver's license but I don't feel it. My heart and mind are completely disconnected so it seems.

Edit: That book doesn't tell you to do anything. There's no rules in it. There's no explicit guidelines. Your stubbornness won't be an issue, although that does just sound like another excuse. Why don't you want to change? Do you really imagine yourself in ten years time the way you are now?

Spoiler: Also, a couple of feel good videos.

 

[Cowabungaa]

All I see there is a big paragraph of self-depreciating excuses. Why are you so afraid of failure?

Harsh but true I suppose. I don't think I'm that afraid of it any more. I just expect it because I've failed at everything that ever mattered. It's an automatic response, I'm aware of it and I have no idea how to combat it. The most frustrating thing about it is that I know that I haven't always been like that, yet I can't feel it.

I heavily edited that post, by the way, be sure to read it.

I'm harsh because I used to be just like that. Granted, I was younger, however, the phrase: "I've failed at everything that ever mattered" seems to lose a lot of its weight when you associate it with a twenty-something year old, no? You're still young!

I did and edited my own post in return.

But yeah, I'm young, but that doesn't change the fact that everything I ever did that really mattered has failed. Young or not, I'm recognising a pattern. A pattern that has reconfigured my brain. Still, you're right, but there's that disconnection of the heart and mind again; I know it, but I don't feel it. It's like that with a lot of things.

The pressure doesn't help either; I have only one go left at completing college. If I flunk out this time I won't be able to start over again thanks to financial reasons. Yet my dad demands that I start or he'll kick me out of the house. And it all has to happen in the next couple of months, and all I can think about is the horrible failure ahead of me, a life of minimum-wage in a tiny rural village, living alone in a dingy room or worse. Dad's "or else..." constantly looms over my head and does make me afraid of failure, despite expecting it.

Well going to the cinema alone doesn't do anyone any good (besides film critics). The gym, too, is a pointless endevour. Even for me. There's just no drive and gyms are often full of narcissistic pricks. They're boring as hell. Changing clothing style simply changes the way other people see you, not how you see yourself.

I disagree. I was always very afraid of doing unknown things on my own, by going to the cinema alone and feeling comfortable with that I broke a mold. I think that's quite important, I've gained a sense of freedom I didn't have before. I now easily go to town alone, something I couldn't imagine doing a few years ago.

The gym, well, it was something to get me out of my room and finally gather the energy to do something about my then-poor physical shape (which has now sagged back again a bit, but I've picked up the rhythm again, doubt it helps though). Boring, eh, it's not fun but an MP3-player works wonders. Helps ignore the narcisstic bros too. Again, I broke a mold, which is what mattered. I think I was pretty proud of myself for a while, for gathering the energy to change something about myself which I didn't like.

As for the clothes, you'd be surprised that I mostly wear those clothes inside when other people can't really see them. It's a sense of self-appreciation; "I can look good." Dad said it was pointless to buy new outfits while no-one could see them, but I couldn't disagree more; it made me feel good about myself that I am in fact not ugly. Changing the way I dress was a sign of coming to terms with a part of me.

Sadly though, all those things seem to have wained over the last few months. I think it's because I lost sight of the goal I once had and didn't find (yet) find a replacement. Which is guess is where the general apathy and loss of enjoyement has also come from. I think, I'm not sure.

That's the core problem here. You've been so limited in interests for so long I suspect you neglected responsibilities when they mattered in the pursuit of those interests.

Care to elaborate on that one? Really, it's not like I skipped school so I could game more. It was around the time I went to college that I gave up raiding in WoW. But I'm not sure what the supposed limitness of my interests have to do with it, something I'm not so sure about. I'm interested in a ton of things, hell most of them I haven't actually pursuited.

That's why I advocated a solitary sport in the form of a martial art- despite popular portrayal, martial arts are not about beating the other learners, but about self-fulfillment. They're all about the individual. They're also quite cognitive as sports go, requiring memorization of routines and precise implementation of your knowledge. I honestly think you'd like it. Of course you'd suck at the beginning, but you'll get better fast.

It's funny. During my first belt grading (From white- the first belt, to yellow- the second) I was the only teenager in a room full of toddlers. It was funny, but no-one was judging me.

Oh I know that, it's why martial arts always appealed to me. It's just that... I don't know, I just can't. I can't imagine myself standing there, and when I can the only thing I can see is failing and getting jeered at by my family. Just more humiliation. The idea of sucking again...I can't see myself getting better. With anything.

 

[Danny Ocean]

My heart and mind are completely disconnected so it seems.

Yes, they are.

There's a gap between what you want to do, and what you think you can do. This is because you think you'll fail. This is because you've lead an (I suspect) unfulfilling life so far, as you've devoted too much time to your 'passions'. Could it be that these 'passions' are not passions, but simply 'something you like'? It's not so much about skipping school (like I did), but about caring of your own volition.

A passion is something productive. Something you can succeed or fail at. Passions are creative and passions are self-improving. Painting is a passion. Driving competitively is a passion. Martial arts and sports generally can be passions. Working out is a passion for some. One's job can be one's passion. Your job is not your passion- you don't care about it. I don't think your relationship with games is that of a person and their passion. Can you 'succeed' or 'fail' at playing games or watching films? No, of course not, one simply passively absorbs the pleasure they give. Perhaps if you made or designed them, or wrote regularly about them, I'd be inclined to think otherwise, but you don't; you just play them.

Question: What Who do you want to be?

Also: if this is only for a couple of months, why not sacrifice your games and films and such in favor of the hard work that is necessary?

Remember that time out I took? I have my final exams before my gap year in May/June. I'm so sick of underachieving that I'm doing it again. This time for much longer. Starting next week, in fact, after I finish a run-through of Dragon Age 2. After that the kettle plugs for my computer, Xbox, and TV are going to mum to hide somewhere. Pressure? I'm applying to five of the best universities in the country, including Balliol College, Oxford, and the London School of Economics. The radio can stay in, though- BBC radio 4 is good for me.

I can do it; why not you?

 

[Cowabungaa]

My heart and mind are completely disconnected so it seems.

Yes, they are.

There's a gap between what you want to do, and what you think you can do. This is because you think you'll fail. This is because you've lead an (I suspect) unfulfilling life so far, as you've devoted too much time to your 'passions'. Could it be that these 'passions' are not passions, but simply 'something you like'? It's not so much about skipping school (like I did), but about caring of your own volition.

Maybe, I don't know. Makes it sound so...insignificant. But I feel very passionate about those things, and when I look at the Extra Credits and MovieBob's videos I can feel that the kind of person they are (at least about those subjects) is inside me. I want to be a part of that but it doesn't seem to come out. Nothing seems to be.

What also might be notable is that I never had to do any proper work before college (which is where the real trouble started). I strolled through high school at a leisurely pace, easy as pie. That's why I didn't really accept any congratulations for my wonderful exam grades and diploma; I didn't do fuck-all for them, why feel proud about it?

Question: What Who do you want to be?

I don't know, I just really really do not know. Mind you, I tried to pursue the things I (thougt I) felt passionate about. Notably science. I tried getting a BA in Bio-Informatics but horribly failed. After that I took a wild swing at Journalism and failed again. And now I just...don't know any more. But the clock keeps ticking, and I haven't got a single freakin' clue.

Also: if this is only for a couple of months, why not sacrifice your games and films and such in favor of the hard work that is necessary?

I think I explained that one wrong; I meant that in a few months I have to have applied for college. It's either that or...'or else.' There isn't really much hard work involved in that. But I've said this to my psychologist too; I want to be able to set aside hobbies for the sake of something fulfilling. But I can't because I just don't give a shit.

Pressure? I'm applying to five of the best universities in the country, including Balliol College, Oxford. The radio can stay in, though- BBC radio 4 is good for me.

There's a difference; you want that yourself. The pressure I'm talking about is my dad's promise of horribleness that hangs above my head. A promise that I fully believe to be completely real.

I can do it; why not you?

Because I don't care.

Anyway, I'll probably be in bed before I can respond to your response, but I sure am looking forward to it.

 

[Danny Ocean]

Anyway, I'll probably be in bed before I can respond to your response, but I sure am looking forward to it.

So you can't do anything because you don't care about anything other than your 'passions' of games and films...

I have a friend whose passion is marijuana. See what I mean?

Solution seems pretty obvious to me. Doesn't it seem obvious to you?

Well allow me to try and summarize my slant on this by telling you what happened to me.

I liked video games. I really liked video games. I still do, but not as much as I used to. I'd stay up past midnight on school nights playing them. As soon as I got back, I'd be on the computer until I went to sleep. I even skipped some days. I didn't care if I did badly, so long as I had my games. I didn't care about the future, as long as I had my games. I didn't have any particular aspirations regarding who or what I wanted to be. I didn't really care about anything, as long as I had my games. Before my AS levels, I found school dead easy, like you. When they came around I couldn't just coast along devoting the same amount of hours to them as I did my GCSEs if I wanted to do well, so I started failing.

It took me a while to realise it, but the single thing that was most damaging me as a person and my prospects in life was the thing that I enjoyed the most. Like a drug. Once I realized I had to change my whole way of thinking- I no longer wanted to be a game designer, because I realized that that career choice was, most of all, an excuse to play games. I had an identity crisis. This is when I stopped playing them altogether for a month or so. I read that book. I went from getting U's in my weekly essays to getting A's. When I switched the computer and TV back on, I found myself less inclined to sit in front of them just for the sake of sitting in front of them, waiting for something to happen. I slowly redefined myself as a new individual with a focus on self-fulfillment. I now don't really care about games. Not because I've found many other things to do, but because, eventually, I got bored. You will too, I think, because they're not really a passion of yours like science seems to be. I now possess ambition enough to shoot for oxford- something I never thought I could do before.

If you remove games and films from your life, you'll find other things to do. Trust me. Hell, ask anyone over the age of 40. What do you think they did all day without those games? I started reading around my subjects and into things I was interested in. At one point I managed to read twelve books in a week- that's just what happens when you're reading almost non-stop for 12 hours a day.

It won't instantly fix you, and it will be difficult (especially at first- I spent a great many hours simply sitting down trying to find something to do, I even tidied the whole damn house). Honestly, though, I think it's the best course of action to take. A little self-denial never did anyone any harm.

And, you know what? So what if I'm wrong? You won't lose anything by removing those pleasures from your life temporarily, and you'll definitely gain something. So why not give it a shot? The only way you could fail would be to cave in early. If you can succeed at the one task of simply controlling yourself strongly for a month, I think your confidence in yourself will increase and everything will flow from there. If you feel like you can't control yourself, like I did, make it physically impossible for you to indulge. Give the power cables to your dad or something. You'll start caring once you snap out of this trance you're in.

It may seem harsh, but sometimes people need a slap around the face or a dunking in cold water to snap themselves out of it.

Also, read that book.

 

[Cowabungaa]

le snip

But that's the thing; I just don't care enough to make a step like that, one that requires a lot of willpower and drive, something I don't have, which is the problem in the first place. Seems like a bit of a Catch 22. It's not because I only care about films and games either, because that ain't much the case either nowadays. Haven't been to the cinema's in ages and haven't really enjoyed a game past a few hours of Crysis and Tropico 3 last week, that's it. Days can already go by without me booting up a game.

Everything has already pretty much drained away out of it's own. Science ain't much a passion either. Actually they're nothing after the Bio-Informatics fiasco. I might be interested in betá subjects but I ain't got the mind for it. And after that failure I have no freakin' idea what to do instead. I was just so damned focussed on that one thing that I neglected to think of anything else, any alternative. Journalism was just a chaotic flail in the dark.

Yeah, I still feel passionate about videogames, it's such a fascinating medium with such amazing potential for experiences movies and books can't even dream about, but I guess it doesn't really matter how I feel about it if I can't act upon it. Never seen myself working in the game industry either. But that might be that negativism speaking, I don't know.

 

[Evidencebased]

are you on any kinds of anti depressants? sometimes those can make you go through life very...blandy like a zombie in a way. or if you arent maybe you are clinically depressed?

My psychologist says there are signs of depression, but nothing that can't be handled without anti-depressants. So I ain't on them either.

anc[is]What is your friend situation like? Anyone to drag you out of the house? The right people can make all the difference. Last summer was my best semester ever because I made a really awesome friend, I actually wanted to go to class (and this was environmental biology, which involves going outside in summer in the HEAT, and I'm a freaking polar bear). I know you can't just order a friend online, but if you've got cool people, maybe hang out with them? I'm no stranger to the zombie mood, and it can help.

Nope, sadly I've got no friends to speak of.

Re. antidepressants... I personally found them quite helpful. Maybe I could have gotten through it without them, but probably not. You could talk about trying something mild for a few months and seeing if you perk up a bit. I know I didn't even realize how depressed I was until the meds kicked in and I had a non-depressed state to compare to. My symptoms were really similar; apathy, disinterest, boredom, I had very low energy and nothing that used to be fun was exciting at all.

Maybe get a second opinion, or a more definitive answer from your psychologist about why she isn't recommending antidepressants? I'm personally not a fan of the "oh, you'll manage somehow" school of therapy.