why do people say dating your teacher is wrong? we got married last year and its fantastique
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It's the difference in life experience. Some kid dating an older person who already gets how the world works and has an established career, etc, doesn't look good. The relationship isn't on equal footing.
Also, what Legion said, abuse of the job position if you started dating him while still being a student.
Also, what Legion said, abuse of the job position if you started dating him while still being a student.
Assuming the pupil is of legal age then it is simple. They are in a position of authority over their students so it is seen as abusing their status. For similar reasons doctors cannot date their patients and police cannot date people involved in a case they are working on.
It avoids a whole host of potential problems relating to it. Coercion and/or blackmail being two of them.
Personally once that relationship is over and they are just another person, then I don't see the harm in it. In that situation both people are now equals.
It avoids a whole host of potential problems relating to it. Coercion and/or blackmail being two of them.
Personally once that relationship is over and they are just another person, then I don't see the harm in it. In that situation both people are now equals.
- Mar 31, 2010
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Hm... odd first post, just saying. Nevertheless, welcome to the Escapist, stay out of the basement and press any red buttons you see around the place.
I'm with Legion, if you were still under the instruction of the teacher in question when you started dating then he was acting unprofessionally at best, there's a lot of potential for bias when marking your work or disciplining you for example. Once he's no longer instructing you however then it's a different matter entirely, nothing wrong there.
I'm with Legion, if you were still under the instruction of the teacher in question when you started dating then he was acting unprofessionally at best, there's a lot of potential for bias when marking your work or disciplining you for example. Once he's no longer instructing you however then it's a different matter entirely, nothing wrong there.
Dating a current teacher and dating a former teacher are two very different things as Legion explained.
That said being married at 18 has always been a bad idea every time I've seen it. No matter how intelligent you might be and how mature you may think you are, you're going to change as a person rapidly over the next 5 to 7 years.
And those years are best spent trying to experience life and define yourself as an individual rather than being tied to the more sedentary domestic lifestyle of a spouse. Especially with someone who's already gone through that process, in which case you're less likely to "grow together" as you are to "grow apart". Not saying it can't work, but I've never seen it happen. And if you're really in love surely you could wait a few more years.
That said being married at 18 has always been a bad idea every time I've seen it. No matter how intelligent you might be and how mature you may think you are, you're going to change as a person rapidly over the next 5 to 7 years.
And those years are best spent trying to experience life and define yourself as an individual rather than being tied to the more sedentary domestic lifestyle of a spouse. Especially with someone who's already gone through that process, in which case you're less likely to "grow together" as you are to "grow apart". Not saying it can't work, but I've never seen it happen. And if you're really in love surely you could wait a few more years.
hi Legion, when he was my teacher when i was i told him how i felt but our relationship only started after he left the school (to teach at another school) when i was 17 and then we started kissing.
hi JoJo, i told him my feelings and he could tell i liked him anyway but he was not doing anything with me until he stopped teaching there
hi Ratty, at least i'm 19 now so a bit older and tested. i know its rushed i just dreamed of being a wife always so i guess i couldn't help it. he agreed that its a good idea to marry just cos he never had been and said that he knew it was right cos he never felt that way about others..
hi JoJo, i told him my feelings and he could tell i liked him anyway but he was not doing anything with me until he stopped teaching there
hi Ratty, at least i'm 19 now so a bit older and tested. i know its rushed i just dreamed of being a wife always so i guess i couldn't help it. he agreed that its a good idea to marry just cos he never had been and said that he knew it was right cos he never felt that way about others..
Well, that's definitely not the norm, though it's not "wrong" either. I guess it's just because of the fact that most relationships with those under 60 tend to be with people who are no more then 5 years apart in age, with even a gap that large not being that common.polly95 said:
Edit: after getting some sleep and realizing what I wrote before sleeping off my all-nighter, I realize that dame, it's weird and is kind of wrong.
Just so that you are aware, if you click on the quote button on the top right of a persons post, it will add their post to your response and send them a message that you have responded. It isn't compulsory or anything, but it makes it easier for you.polly95 said:
I do not know the laws in Australia, but in the UK 17 is legally acceptable as long as they are not your teacher any more. So from my own personal perspective, it's nobody else's business if they don't like your relationship, although I would try and understand why some people may not like it.
I suspect a lot of it comes down to the people who care about you simply being worried, rather than being petty or close minded. If you haven't already, you might want to consider sitting the relevant people down and explaining your perspective. I doubt that'd change every bodies mind, but if people can see that you are being sincere and level headed about it all, then some may become more accepting.
It may also be worth changing it to say "Ex-Teacher" to avoid confusion as well.
It's fine so long as they are your former not current teacher. Teachers aren't allowed to date students because it's an issue with favoritism, professionalism and power balance. Its the same reason doctors, nurses and psychiatrists can't date their patients. I knew someone who date their teacher as soon as she wasn't his student anymore although he was 25 and she was 18. TBH the age gap with you seems a bit large but I don't think it's wrong though I can see why someone might be concerned he is exploiting you (not saying I think he is just that your family might).
Edit: I should read others post before I post so I don't make threads an echo chamber.
Edit: I should read others post before I post so I don't make threads an echo chamber.
thanks! you are very niceLegion said:
we could maybe try this. hubby is a bit different with this issue, he tries to get on peoples nerve or something. not to say too much detail but we were at my mum and dads house and he said and did risky things. he held my bottom when we walked and he said things to my parents that were kind of bed-like. and when my friends are around he does touching that is private. i will ask to see what he thinks
DS when i was 16 i thought it was ok to hug my teacher but he told me its wrong so i knew then no to to be his gf. it is a big age gap but i have been scared of boys my age as raped or not raped but undressed before i ran etc. so my theory is i just am scared of boys that look like the age of my exbfs.
Probably because it could lead to an unfair advantage for the student. The teacher is dating him/her and might just give them A's for it. It is also very unprofessional.
Since you graduated I see no problem with it now. The reason you are probably getting stares is the massive age gap, if I had to take a guess. It's also possible most people might view you as some kind of gold digger or something like that. Since in the case of age gaps society tends to view money as the cause for marriage and not love.
Since you graduated I see no problem with it now. The reason you are probably getting stares is the massive age gap, if I had to take a guess. It's also possible most people might view you as some kind of gold digger or something like that. Since in the case of age gaps society tends to view money as the cause for marriage and not love.
oh i forgot about thatElfgore said:
gold digging. that might be what it looks like, even tho not rich, but a very nice pool and pretty home and car. that might be hard to prove i'm not or my friends know the truth but stranger could mistake it.at least we only get stares from kissing. but hubby prefers stares or something coz once he said "they think you are my daughter" and then he was like *grab* and then they stared a lot. its kind of scary but small price for love
Yes, like Legion said, the primary problem with a student dating a teacher is that the teacher is in a position of authority and has a duty of care for students. In a relationship both parties should be equal, so starting from a point where one person is "in charge" can either negatively impact either the teaching environment if the student can't accept the authority of the teacher where the teacher is supposed to be in charge or the relationship environment if the student gives the teacher authority in the partnership. Additionally authority can be abused (especially in the situation where you are dealing with a young person who is not an adult) and the student can be "groomed" or "coerced" into being in or even desiring a relationship with the teacher. There is also the matter of bias in grading a student's performance.
A large age gap in particular where one person has only just reached adulthood can also be problematic. You've just come from being taken care of as a child by your parents and you shouldn't expect or want your life with your partner to be the same - being taken care of as a child. He's going to be far more experienced in matters of day to day life and in many cases, it makes sense that he would be able to make the wiser decision. This can be problematic as it may make it difficult for you to learn these things on your own and he may be unwilling to allow you to make decisions due to your inexperience. It may also be difficult for you to determine whether he's making a decision because it's an intelligent one or making a decision because it's what he prefers even though you should both have an equal say. Once again this comes back to the problem of one person being "in charge of the relationship" which isn't healthy. Additionally the fact that two people in very distinct age brackets are at different life stages and may want to accomplish different things which can strain on a relationship.
A normal and healthy relationship can be achieved in both the situations of ex-teacher/student and younger/older (and both combined) but these are just reasons why it has a higher chance to go wrong and what people looking in from the outside may fear. From what you've written it does come across like you have a problem by letting him be in control and putting his needs before your own though particularly in cases where he makes you uncomfortable and antagonises your family and a friends.
A large age gap in particular where one person has only just reached adulthood can also be problematic. You've just come from being taken care of as a child by your parents and you shouldn't expect or want your life with your partner to be the same - being taken care of as a child. He's going to be far more experienced in matters of day to day life and in many cases, it makes sense that he would be able to make the wiser decision. This can be problematic as it may make it difficult for you to learn these things on your own and he may be unwilling to allow you to make decisions due to your inexperience. It may also be difficult for you to determine whether he's making a decision because it's an intelligent one or making a decision because it's what he prefers even though you should both have an equal say. Once again this comes back to the problem of one person being "in charge of the relationship" which isn't healthy. Additionally the fact that two people in very distinct age brackets are at different life stages and may want to accomplish different things which can strain on a relationship.
A normal and healthy relationship can be achieved in both the situations of ex-teacher/student and younger/older (and both combined) but these are just reasons why it has a higher chance to go wrong and what people looking in from the outside may fear. From what you've written it does come across like you have a problem by letting him be in control and putting his needs before your own though particularly in cases where he makes you uncomfortable and antagonises your family and a friends.
To be honest, it's a very grey issue with solid arguments from both sides of the spectrum. A teacher could very well use his/her influence over a student and coerce them into things, treat them differently in class or even blackmail them. However, I fully understand there are also teachers who can fall in love with a student and just want a genuine relationship, and vice versa. It's a difficult subject.
Since you're now 19 and left school, there is obviously no longer any issue what so ever. However, if you were dating while you were still in school, and he had that influence over you... I dunno, as I said it's a grey issue worthy of further contemplation. The real problem is, it can be easily exploited by devious people.
Since you're now 19 and left school, there is obviously no longer any issue what so ever. However, if you were dating while you were still in school, and he had that influence over you... I dunno, as I said it's a grey issue worthy of further contemplation. The real problem is, it can be easily exploited by devious people.
Pretty much this. It's not rocket science that a person dating someone he's got authority over is frowned upon seeing the history of that.Legion said:
The age gap is something people will care about and if that's pure society or if biology comes into it is a discussion for another time. However the biological bias there is that parents lose fertility with age as a security that they will be able to take care of their offspring until it grows up. Not really an issue these days since most manage to get into their 70's anyway. The thing is people are going to stare, people are going to think you're a gold digger or that he's a cradle robber because if we can't judge strangers we don't know, what else are we going to do? Socialise? Be friendly and/or polite? Who could even consider such a thing?
As mentioned, someone currently in a position of power of you...yeah, issues there.
OTOH, once that has ended...still, questions to be asked if anything was going on before that.
As a general rule, getting married just out of high school isn't a great idea, though that's not to say it never works.
OTOH, once that has ended...still, questions to be asked if anything was going on before that.
As a general rule, getting married just out of high school isn't a great idea, though that's not to say it never works.