why do people say dating your teacher is wrong? we got married last year and its fantastique

[polly95]

So a 41 year old man shows interest in you when you're 16 and... you don't think hes a pedophile or something? I mean... I don't want to sound insulting, but if someone that age was hitting on me or something I would feel like it was very strange.

most people might say that he was but when i was 16 it was easy to flirt with adults, it happened at the busstop and tennis court and mums work party, and my body had curves already so i probably looked 30.

 

[Imp_Emissary]

Spoiler: Some stuff.

It's extremely unprofessional. Your teacher may have had a conflict of interest when marking you. This has nothing to do with age gaps, this has to do with that teacher acting extremely unprofessional. If your principal had ever found out about this while you were still in school, your teacher have been fired.

we never did anything wrong cos i only stared at him a lot and emails back+forth. he might have saw i was excited but no kissing :/

Spoiler: More stuff.

With Legion on this one,

I mean if it works out for you, great be married and be happy good for you, but jst seems a little soon to me...

i was planning on marriage for many years so i guess it seems more rushed than it is....

Unless you wrote on the skirt: "Hey hubby, lift me up", what you pick to wear does not put you at fault.
The blame rest on the person who chose to do it, not who they did it to.
You don't have to accept people making you uncomfortable.

If your husband does love you, I think he can agree to not fondle you in public/private company, if you do not approve.

If he does not, as others said, you shouldn't keep the relationship going.

my theory is- my dress being short means that when sit and cuddle him on his lap my cheeks are on his lap. if my dress is longer it means i sit and my dress materials on his lap (not cheeks). so i think when my dress is short and we cuddle it gives me ideas so then when i stand up and we go walking he has it in his head and wants to touch there. i enjoy his hands but just as long as we dont get arrested for exposure or lewd acts etc

:/ Eh, don't get me wrong. As long as it's legal, and mutual, do what ya want.

It just kind of sounds like you're not inputting enough of your own thoughts/feelings into the decisions of the relationship.
It's good to listen to others, and take advice. But you should not do so without question, or checking if you really agree.

All I'm saying is; Make sure you set the "rules of the relationship" WITH your husband.
If something is done you don't approve of, tell him so he can understand.

One person can't be calling ALL the shots in a relationship, and have it end up healthy.
If you have talked about what crosses the line, and what's okay, you should be fine.

Unless the rules are being ignored. Then you have yourself a problem.
Once again: the person at fault would be the one breaking the rules.

All in all, I wish ya best of luck.

 

[SilverLion]

[Edit: just for the record, I don't see the guy as some malicious perv with bad intentions or anything, rather just as naive and not-very-clear-headed as she is. More on that in the rest of the comment]

he tries to get on peoples nerve or something. not to say too much detail but we were at my mum and dads house and he said and did risky things. he held my bottom when we walked and he said things to my parents that were kind of bed-like. and when my friends are around he does touching that is private.

but hubby prefers stares or something coz once he said "they think you are my daughter" and then he was like *grab* and then they stared a lot.

its kind of scary but small price for love

Now those are some pretty big red flags if ever I saw them.

All of this, and

i know its rushed i just dreamed of being a wife always so i guess i couldn't help it. he agreed that its a good idea to marry just cos he never had been and said that he knew it was right cos he never felt that way about others..

LEGALLY there's nothing wrong with this scenario, I suppose...but really from the sounds of it you are in waaaaaay over your head and setting yourself up for a world of heartache.

Look, you seem like a reasonably sweet girl and all, but from the vibes I'm getting from you so far I can't help getting the feeling that you are far too green & naive to be jumping into a MARRIAGE to a guy nearly three times your age, who seems to just be getting off that an old guy like him is able to show off a "pretty young thing" like you around all the time like, as these other posters are saying, as a trophy girlfriend/wife. The fact that he's never been married and is probably happy as hell that a woman likes him like this, and that you rushed into this due to your fantasies of being a wife just...yeah I can't imagine this going well at all.

It sounds like the two of you are falling in love with the IDEA/FANTASY of one another rather than the actual person themselves. And it's coming out of a place of desperation; again, he's just happy that a pretty female is infatuated with him, and you've been burned before so you're looking for someone "not like other guys" and he happens to fit the bill. The other is the right person at the right time...but are the the right person for the REST of your time? For anyone that's ever been in a relationship knows that that wuvvy-duvvy cherubs and rainbows honeymoon period you're going through right now doesn't last very long, and if you two aren't ready for the hardships of maintaining a serious life partnership, it can leave major emotional scars that are going to stick with you...

(You're young so you have a probably better chance at recovering/bouncing back than he would [or maybe he'd be at that "fuck it" stage, I dunno], but still. It's okay to fuck up and bump your head every once in a while, but if you can avoid trainwrecks, it's better to pull yourself a Neo and bullet-time outta harms way...)

I don't know the two of you so I could be entirely off with all of this, but in my humble opinion that you're free to listen to or dismiss however you like.....neither one of you sound like you are anywhere close to being ready for this kind of major commitment.

If you really, REALLY believe in your heart of hearts this can work, then have a serious heart-to-heart sitdown with him and just go over what the two of you want out of this relationship and your gameplan on how to make it work. Invest a little in some couples counseling and just keep being proactive into making sure this is how you want your lives to go. It's better to question early and get a definitive answer now than to find out you weren't right for each other once it's too late.

Whatever you decide to do, good luck...

Good advice. Also please please please whatever you do don't rush into having children. I've seen so many people try to have children when they were having trouble because they thought it would make their relationship stronger. It never does, it usually just winds up making babies who can't be properly cared for.
Plus, if you had a baby right now your husband would be well into in his 60s when it turned 20. And your husband would never be able to retire because he'd have to stay on to support the child, which are very expensive. Plus the 40s is just too old to stay up all night taking care of a baby, believe me I've seen the effects it has on people that age. All the stress it puts on them makes them age much much faster.

Hey, older men can take care of babies. My Dad had his 4th and currently final child when he was 50, and he's a produce farmer so it's not like he has a cushy job, but he's doing a damn fine job of raising him, he never seems stressed out and I'd say Dad actually looks quite young for his age.
Understand your concenrs, but please don't generalize on subjects you don't have first-hand experience with.

 

[SilverLion]

Wow, didn't know that so many people on this forum are that gullible. Do you all seriously believe this, between the exorbitantly bad grammar and the story itself? There's just no way...

I deliberately didn't post in this thread (or the other topic that this user made) because no matter how much this looks like forum bait, no matter how much my spider sense was tingling, you never know for sure whether it is someone lying for attention, or just a very naive person in a really bad situation.

Cases exactly like the OPs have happened before, and they will again. People rush into relationships, and even marriages with people who are very unsuitable and possibly dangerous, and it is only after the deeds have been done that the victim is able to realise they have been used, and perhaps by then it is too late.

It is most likely that this user is just spinning a fantastic yarn and laughing at all the controversy, but there is a very real chance that this post could be legitimate, and in that case we should all be very careful how we approach giving advice/abuse to an unknown poster a whole world away that we do not know any personal details about except the very brief description provided, because at the other end of every single forum post is a human being, that will be affected by everything we say to them.

I've seen situations not that dissimilar to the OPs in my personal life. It's not to much of a stretch to imagine that someone in such a situation where their friends and parents don't seem to listen would seek a truly annonymous way of getting opinions and advice.

I don't believe this story, but I can't disprove it either, and therefore we all need to be very careful about what we say to what could very well be a vulnerable person crying for help.

My personal philosophy on debates like this is ALWAYS treat it as serious. If they are lying, then the only harm is that you feel a bit silly reacting seriously to a troll. But if it IS serious, then there is a whole lot of messed up shit that could be going on, and you might need to give some serious anonymous advice.
Personally I don't like the sound of this guy. he sounds like a lech. And besides, when you're 30 and not as fresh and young looking as you are now, what's to say he won't decide to go after someone a little... fresher... if you catch my meaning. Personally, I would propose an experiment; start shaming him for two or three weeks, refuse to sleep in his bed, start getting bossy, all that stuff. I'm not saying this to be a flamer, but over those two or three weeks see how he reacts. If he seems callous, indifferent or abusive, then get the hell out of there while you still can!
Hopefully, we're just overreacting and he is a nice guy, if a little cheeky. But still: Please, PLEASE think this through!

 

[Someone Depressing]

I'm sure I've got a red button on my profile. You should press that one.

Anyway, it's typically seen as coercion, and abusing one's lover's footing. If you've only recently graduated and thus only recently started living as an adult, but your partner already has an established life and education, some might see it as mooching or gold-digging.

 

[Ratty]

Hey, older men can take care of babies. My Dad had his 4th and currently final child when he was 50, and he's a produce farmer so it's not like he has a cushy job, but he's doing a damn fine job of raising him, he never seems stressed out and I'd say Dad actually looks quite young for his age.
Understand your concenrs, but please don't generalize on subjects you don't have first-hand experience with.

I'm glad to hear your father has carried it well, but from what I've seen I'd think he's the exception rather than the rule. It sounds like your dad has a good strong support structure around him (like you, presumably an adult child to help him out when he needs it) not all older parents will be so lucky. And by the time that baby turns 20 your dad will be 70. Most people would rather be thinking about retirement or actually be in it at that age, rather than trying to figure out how to pay for their children's college loans.

But I didn't mean to imply that older people were inherently bad parents or that they all couldn't take it. It is pretty much always a bad idea for women to get pregnant after 40 though, because there's a dramatically increased chance of down syndrome and other handicaps in the children due to her eggs also being 40(+) years old.

My personal philosophy on debates like this is ALWAYS treat it as serious. If they are lying, then the only harm is that you feel a bit silly reacting seriously to a troll. But if it IS serious, then there is a whole lot of messed up shit that could be going on, and you might need to give some serious anonymous advice.

Yep.

 

[polly95]

Spoiler: Some stuff.

It's extremely unprofessional. Your teacher may have had a conflict of interest when marking you. This has nothing to do with age gaps, this has to do with that teacher acting extremely unprofessional. If your principal had ever found out about this while you were still in school, your teacher have been fired.

we never did anything wrong cos i only stared at him a lot and emails back+forth. he might have saw i was excited but no kissing :/

Spoiler: More stuff.

With Legion on this one,

I mean if it works out for you, great be married and be happy good for you, but jst seems a little soon to me...

i was planning on marriage for many years so i guess it seems more rushed than it is....

Unless you wrote on the skirt: "Hey hubby, lift me up", what you pick to wear does not put you at fault.
The blame rest on the person who chose to do it, not who they did it to.
You don't have to accept people making you uncomfortable.

If your husband does love you, I think he can agree to not fondle you in public/private company, if you do not approve.

If he does not, as others said, you shouldn't keep the relationship going.

my theory is- my dress being short means that when sit and cuddle him on his lap my cheeks are on his lap. if my dress is longer it means i sit and my dress materials on his lap (not cheeks). so i think when my dress is short and we cuddle it gives me ideas so then when i stand up and we go walking he has it in his head and wants to touch there. i enjoy his hands but just as long as we dont get arrested for exposure or lewd acts etc

:/ Eh, don't get me wrong. As long as it's legal, and mutual, do what ya want.

It just kind of sounds like you're not inputting enough of your own thoughts/feelings into the decisions of the relationship.
It's good to listen to others, and take advice. But you should not do so without question, or checking if you really agree.

All I'm saying is; Make sure you set the "rules of the relationship" WITH your husband.
If something is done you don't approve of, tell him so he can understand.

One person can't be calling ALL the shots in a relationship, and have it end up healthy.
If you have talked about what crosses the line, and what's okay, you should be fine.

Unless the rules are being ignored. Then you have yourself a problem.
Once again: the person at fault would be the one breaking the rules.

All in all, I wish ya best of luck.

hard to say which is my thought or his thought :s
its my thought when i wear a mini-dress. but its his thought when his hand goes under. but my thought when i enjoy/don't say no.
its hard to know whats the right rule:z

 

[polly95]

My personal philosophy on debates like this is ALWAYS treat it as serious. If they are lying, then the only harm is that you feel a bit silly reacting seriously to a troll. But if it IS serious, then there is a whole lot of messed up shit that could be going on, and you might need to give some serious anonymous advice.
Personally I don't like the sound of this guy. he sounds like a lech. And besides, when you're 30 and not as fresh and young looking as you are now, what's to say he won't decide to go after someone a little... fresher... if you catch my meaning. Personally, I would propose an experiment; start shaming him for two or three weeks, refuse to sleep in his bed, start getting bossy, all that stuff. I'm not saying this to be a flamer, but over those two or three weeks see how he reacts. If he seems callous, indifferent or abusive, then get the hell out of there while you still can!
Hopefully, we're just overreacting and he is a nice guy, if a little cheeky. But still: Please, PLEASE think this through!

i hope he always prefers me over other girls
crying so much

 

[soren7550]

*snip*

Had a whole thing written out for you, but then Chrome decided to crash, so I'm going to make this much shorter.

This is a very abusive relationship you're in. The man clearly doesn't care for you as a person, rather seeing you as his personal sex toy. He has no respect for you, has a pedophilic mindset, is highly unprofessional, abusive of his power (both as a teacher and as your husband), and doesn't have a problem making you fearful and uncomfortable.

You rushed into this due to past abusive relationships, feeling safe with this man most likely because of the fatherly teacher association (which as I've said before, is an utter farce). You've ignored the advice of your family and friends to not get married to this asshole, you're under the delusion that his sexual abuse is okay and unavoidable because 'that's the price of love', and you're obviously not mentally mature enough to deal with something such as this.

My advice: leave this man immediately, and report him to your local police and school board. He shouldn't be allowed to walk as a free man, and should in no way be allowed around people's children. Go stay with your family or some friends if you can, until you can get back on your feat and stand steady. And most importantly, please, seek some kind of professional therapeutic help, and/or a support group. This is not the sort of thing ANYONE should have to deal with. I implore you to do something before this asshole ruins you life utterly.

Also, if possible, take some classes or something, so that you can learn some more, develop mentally, and make something of yourself.

 

[GrimTuesday]

Yeah, I'm sorry, but this is setting off some serious alarms in my head. This guy seems like someone who gets off on being the one with all the power and doesn't see you as his equal. This relationship is mildly creepy at best, and from what you have said, you are not looking at a best case scenario. The fact that he was fantasizing about you while you were A) under aged and B) completely off limits due to the fact that he was your teacher tells me that this guy is not to be trusted. To be totally honest, seem to be lacking in maturity in big way and have been in an abusive relationships before. I think you are seeking a person who makes you feel safe, even if that feeling of safety is just you telling yourself that this semi-father figure isn't just another person looking to take advantage of you. This may seem harsh, but even if I ultimately have no clue who you are, I don't want you to be hurt, and I can't shake the feeling that this is going to end in tears, likely when this guy dumps you for one of his students judging from his interactions with you.

Also, you said that you have curves and probably looked like you were 30, that's bullshit and you know it. 16 year olds don't look that old, for the most part its pretty obvious they are teenagers. It sounds more like your flirting attracts creepy old guys who just want a piece of jailbait.