Why does she keep telling me about guys hitting on her? Is she even interested anymore?

[remnant_phoenix]

snip

Be honest with her. Tell her everything that you're rambling on here about, but in a much more concise and gentle fashion.

Tell her that you're hurt and confused and you need to know what your relationship is and what it isn't so that you can have peace about it.

Tell her what she means to you: that you care about her and want to be with her, but only if she's comfortable being with you.

Ask her what she wants from your relationship. Does she want to be your girlfriend or not?

Based on my experiences, it's likely that she doesn't know what she wants. She probably has trust issues (most abuse victims do).

I'm betting one of three things:

1) She would be interested in you, but isn't allowing herself to develop strong feelings for you because she's scared. In the beginning it was easy because it was all passion neither of you really had to think about what it all meant. As the relationship started to get more real, she distanced herself because she's scared. She's going to need time and understanding before she can get past her fears and be in a healthy relationship.

2) She was using you. She likes you as a friend but also used you for sex/comfort, and now she just wants the friendship, but no sex/romance. Brace yourself for that possibility.

3) She was afraid that you were using her. Like you said, you two never made it official that you were in relationship. Since she's been abused in the past, and you two slept together so soon, she may be worried that you're only interested in her because of the sex and you just want to use her to get what you want (which she has likely experienced from guys in the past). Therefore, she's distanced herself until you step out and say, "Hey, I want something real with you because I really care about you for you, not for what you do for me." This could also explain why she's been telling you about other guys hitting on her AND telling you that she's not interested in them. It could be her way of saying: "Hey, no more casual sex/kissing. I want to know honestly if you're really into me as a whole person or not. And it's not like I don't have other options, but I'm not interested in them because I want to know exactly how you feel about me."

(All three of these could be wrong, so don't be surprised if it's something way different. I'm just talking from my personal experience and my pattern recognition.)

You have to talk to her. It's unhealthy if you don't.

If she's interested in starting a relationship with you, congratulations.

If she's not at all interested, it'll be tough, but at least you can know where you stand and move on.

If she doesn't know what she wants or says that she needs more time then tell her that until she figures what she wants you two will just be friends. You seem very emotionally invested and if she doesn't know what she wants you DO NOT WANT to let yourself be strung along waiting for a resolution. Trust me. I've been there. It sucks worse than anything else I've experienced. If she doesn't know what she wants than you need to distance yourself. Be her friend, but don't pine after her waiting for her to come around. That will tear your heart up, my friend.

Just talk to her. Be gentle, but honest. And good luck.

 

[zombiesinc]

Moved to the Advice Forum

 

[targren]

Disclaimer: This is just my opinion, your mileage may vary. Void where prohibited. No substitutions, exchanges, or refunds. Product enlarged to show texture. Must take delivery from dealer stock no later than 12/1/2011.

I'm afraid I've got to take the devils advocate position here. Honestly, it looks like she's just not that into you, dude. It's one thing to play hard-to-get, and another to be cool and hurtful (the clincher for me would have been the 'divert-to-cheek' maneuver). Maybe you were a rebound or a welcome comfort after the douchebag who slapped her around, but from what you say, it looks to me like she's not after anything. And in my experience, a girl will say she's 'not ready for a relationship' up to (and sometimes even beyond) the day she starts going to bed with the new guy.

 

[Sabiancym]

Sounds like you dropped the ball somewhere along the way. If youre this broken up about the girl, and think you need her, Im going to guess that you dont have a lot of experience dealing with women.

You blew it. Just get over it.

Odds are you are doing a lot of things wrong and dont realize it. The differences between what to do and what not to do are subtle, and vary from woman to woman. Learn to read people better, and if that doesn't pan out, settle for less. That is the boat some people are stuck in.

The thing about not realizing what you're doing wrong is that you will always think you're doing it right. If I were a fly on the wall, and later on told you what you did wrong, you would be likely to argue with me. You would find a way to justify why what you did was correct. After all, you wouldn't take the actions you take if you thought they were wrong; but if you are not getting the desired results, then you obviously are doing something wrong.

So why does she string you along like this if she's not interested? Because girls are fucking crazy. Some are evil, some are fickle, some are like fire and ice. I dont know what her specific deal is, but what I can tell you is that girls do that.

Lesson #1: Girls are like gamers. You cant give them what they think they want and expect them to stay interested for long.

1. I have had a ton of experience with dating. Read the thread.

2. I know the signs and would've asked her out or moved things along quicker, but she specifically told me she wasn't ready for a relationship and just wanted to keep dating for awhile.

3. I don't take advice from anyone who talks about girls like they are any different than guys. The whole "Girls are just evil and messed up" bit. They aren't at all. They're human and just as confused about us as we are about them. The guys out there who recommend playing mind games or saying things like "dump her to the curve" are guys who either haven't ever had a real relationship or will end up getting divorced more than twice because they don't take the time to actually know the girl they're with.


Tonight when we were out some guy came up and hit on her as I was walking up. She stopped him and told him that she is with me. She wouldn't do that if she wasn't interested. Me, her, and two friends are going on a road trip tomorrow. I'll bring it up then.

 

[DiMono]

She's doing it to demonstrate to you that other people find her desirable, in the hope that you will properly ask her out. Don't be a dick about it, but engage her in a romantic relationship, or she'll see your failure to do so as a lack of interest, and she'll lose hers in you.

Yeah, but she specifically told me that she's not ready for a relationship yet. And why would she expect me to ask her out if she's not letting me kiss her? She has to know that that is hurting/confusing me.

I'm not new to dating and have had girls tell me about other guys before. I know it's because they're trying to make me jealous so they can get me to do something to show them that I want them, but the whole not kissing thing and saying she's not ready is adding a new level of confusion.

Girls say lots of things. You can't always take them at their word. Even if she's already decided she's going to say no, she wants to know that you're willing to ask. Take the plunge.

 

[Galletea]

Tell her how you feel about her. It might be that she didn't want to go anywhere with you before because of the violent ex. She might just have been nervous about getting involved since the last one was such a waste of oxygen.

There is no point analysing the whole thing because there probably isn't a truly rational explanation. Ask her why she won't kiss you. If she's evasive, tell her how you feel, and how you're happy to take the whole thing day by day if she's unsure about a relationship.

There could be a lot of reasons for her irrational behaviour and you'll just make yourself miserable with speculation. I don't think it's as simple as her wanting you to ask her out. I think you'd be better off if you just talk it over with her, tell her straight how you're feeling. If it leads to you going your separate ways than that is at least better than the limbo she's left you in.

 

[Vrach]

The only way I'd drop all contact was if she told me to or if she did something really bad to me. Other than that there's no way I'd stop talking to her. Even if it's only as a friend.

Unless you have no problem moving on while still staying friends with her, trust me that you'd only be hurting yourself if she's not interested in you. As I've said, I've tried doing that myself a few times, it's nothing but a waste of time that you're gonna spend feeling depressed.

I had planned on talking to her, but I want to do it face to face and haven't had the chance in a week or so. Plus I wanted to digest everything and get some advice.

Definitely digest everything, think about what you want to say and above all, do it face to face - this kind of conversation is not something you do over the phone.

At first I thought about going and picking up a girl and then telling my girl(from now on we'll call her GIRL X) about this new girl I met, to try and make her jealous, but I figured that wouldn't help at all and two people trying to make each other jealous isn't the best for a relationship lol.

Well, if nothing, realise that's not fair or nice to GIRL X :\

 

[easternflame]

Translation:

she wants you to ask her out properly

go do it.

now.

NAILED IT. Thank you kind sir.
It's true, she wants to see you care. That's how women are!!!! Complicated, but for a dude with that much experience, you should know.
I would talk her into it.

I do know the make the guy jealous thing, it's normally very simple, but when you add the rest of the stuff she's doing it's a bit confusing. If she wanted me to just ask her out she wouldn't have stopped kissing me. Does she really think that will make me want to ask her out so I can start kissing her again?

Well, in a way, she must have felt you only wanted to fuck her. Sorry for the vulgar language, but, I think that's what happened. So she stopped. She is definitely confused, but you should give it a shot. In mexico we have a saying that goes, "the 'no' you already have". I hope that makes sense to you.

 

[Gamblerjoe]

Sounds like you dropped the ball somewhere along the way. If youre this broken up about the girl, and think you need her, Im going to guess that you dont have a lot of experience dealing with women.

You blew it. Just get over it.

Odds are you are doing a lot of things wrong and dont realize it. The differences between what to do and what not to do are subtle, and vary from woman to woman. Learn to read people better, and if that doesn't pan out, settle for less. That is the boat some people are stuck in.

The thing about not realizing what you're doing wrong is that you will always think you're doing it right. If I were a fly on the wall, and later on told you what you did wrong, you would be likely to argue with me. You would find a way to justify why what you did was correct. After all, you wouldn't take the actions you take if you thought they were wrong; but if you are not getting the desired results, then you obviously are doing something wrong.

So why does she string you along like this if she's not interested? Because girls are fucking crazy. Some are evil, some are fickle, some are like fire and ice. I dont know what her specific deal is, but what I can tell you is that girls do that.

Lesson #1: Girls are like gamers. You cant give them what they think they want and expect them to stay interested for long.

1. I have had a ton of experience with dating. Read the thread.

2. I know the signs and would've asked her out or moved things along quicker, but she specifically told me she wasn't ready for a relationship and just wanted to keep dating for awhile.

3. I don't take advice from anyone who talks about girls like they are any different than guys. The whole "Girls are just evil and messed up" bit. They aren't at all. They're human and just as confused about us as we are about them. The guys out there who recommend playing mind games or saying things like "dump her to the curve" are guys who either haven't ever had a real relationship or will end up getting divorced more than twice because they don't take the time to actually know the girl they're with.


Tonight when we were out some guy came up and hit on her as I was walking up. She stopped him and told him that she is with me. She wouldn't do that if she wasn't interested. Me, her, and two friends are going on a road trip tomorrow. I'll bring it up then.

Clearly you dont need any advice, event though your wall of text in the OP was begging for it. So what is it you really want out of this thread? Do you just want a pat on the back? Okay.

/pat on back

There there. She'll come around. You're the best she can ever do, and if she does turn you down, its her loss.

 

[Rin Little]

Honestly dude, I'd say screw it. I dealt with a guy who did this type of thing to me. We went from being really tight and seeing each other every day and barely at all and his reasoning was that "he didn't think we had enough in common" blah blah blah. If this girl was halfway decent she wouldn't string you along like this. Straight-up say "What the hell is going on? Are you into me or not?" and take it from there.

 

[lettucethesallad]

Speaking as a girl myself, here's what I see. She specifically told you she's not ready to date again, so I'd say she's acting the way she is because you don't seem to get the point. Yes, you two may have had fun, but she's clearly pulling away and sending you signals that she doesn't want to pursue a relationship with you. Drop it.

And your having 'paid very close attention to her not seeing anyone else' is just creepy, especially given your situation. You seem extremely insecure (with the whole 'showing the world she's with ME'-thing), and maybe she's not digging that. I know I wouldn't. She hasn't been dishonest with you or unfair - she wants to play the field and not get into anything serious. You two obviously seem to have different priorities, and I don't see it working out for you differently anytime soon.

If you want it to work out in the long run later on, I'd say give her space, stop seeing her for a bit. Cool down, let her date around and see where she wants to go. If you respect her decisions it'll make you seem like a cooler guy that she might actually eventually want to end up dating seriously, but as long as you're freaking out about her not being devoted to you despite her not being ready, I'd say you're burning your bridges.