Witty/Effective Threats

[Nazulu]

All you have to do is watch M.A.S.H. for all the best witty insults/threats.

 

[cocoadog]

pretty much every line in postal 2.

 

[ddon]

"im going to do something to you so bad that it will make hitler look like a saint". thats all i got.

 

[salbarragan]

"Baldrick, have you ever wondered what your insides looked like?
"Yes m'lord, I have."
"O Good, well I'd be perfectly happy to satisfy your curiosity should you continue with that nonsense!"

and another,

"Why yes m'lord, how did you guess"
"Oh just a wild stab in the dark Baldrick, which is incidently what you'll be getting if you dont shut up!."

Black Adder right?

 

[saintchristopher]

Thing is, none of these actually sound particularly funny. And certainly none of them sound witty.

You can't honestly believe that anyone would take you seriously if you were to say any of these things.

That being said, try this one:

Kill yourself.



No, but really.

 

[senataur]

"Why yes m'lord, how did you guess"
"Oh just a wild stab in the dark Baldrick, which is incidently what you'll be getting if you dont shut up!."

That quote is actually incorrect, this is the proper quote that i think you were aiming for.

.........

Young Crone: Two things, my lord, must thee know of the Wisewoman. First, she is ... a woman, and second, she is ...

Edmund Blackadder: .. wise?

Young Crone: You do know her then?

Edmund Blackadder: No, just a wild stab in the dark which is incidentally what you'll be getting if you don't start being a bit more helpful. Do you know where she lives?

You will probably find that the first one was also horribly misquoted. The essential meaning remains intact, if not the grammar.

 

[MMMATT]

You like to talk shit, eh? How about I make your tongue and your rectum swap places?

 

[Motti]

I got nothing. When I want to threaten people, I charge at them.

 

[Corkydog]

I'm gonna hurt you so much it'll make a circumcision feel like clipping your fingernails!

Oddly enough, this one never seemed to have much of an effect on women...

 

[LongAndShort]

I'm gonna stick my hand down your throat, rip out your spine and use it as a golf-club.

Where the hell else am I gonna get a set of Golf clubs at short notice?

 

[Instant K4rma]

Theres a vacancy sign on your ass, and my foot is looking for a room. (Props to Red Foreman)

 

[ffs-dontcare]

"Alright dad, I'm 20 years old now so let me explain something to you. If you so much as think about telling me to be in bed at 10pm with the light off, if I have to ask you for permission to use my own computer, if I have to get your permission just so I can attend a reunion - you know, like the one you wouldn't let me go to over a year after high school ended simply because there would be girls coming, girls I finished school with - I'll take your head and smash it into the corner of your computer desk, and then I'll cut you all over the place."

"Before you continue flailing that tongue of yours, wench, I should point out I'm not against hitting girls."

"Shut the hell up or I'll cut you." (simple)

"First, I'm going to cut your face off. Then, I'm going to sew it onto your ass, so I get to kick you in the ass and I get to kick you in the face, all at the same time!"

"Touch me again and I'll make sure you vomit more than just food and stomach acid."

"Oh boy, you're going to make an excellent addition to the footpath we're standing on! "

"What a sweet day. The grass we're standing on needs something to drink."
ALT: "What a sweet day. The grass we're standing on needs watering."

"Y'know, when you hit on my 15 year old female friends, you risk losing the appendage you intend to abuse."

(if he's hitting on her again) "Y'know, I feel I was a bit too harsh on you the last time we met. So, I've come up with a new plan. Rather than ripping your meat straight off and sewing it to your face like an elephant, I'm going to use this here box cutter to make your whole crotch vestigial instead."

And now something from Duke Nukem 3D:

"I'll rip your head off and shit down your neck!"

 

[FROGGEman2]

"You won't see me in the parking lot."

Best. First. Post. EVER!

You, sir, deserve and extra-special cookie made of yum.

I am going to steal your pillow, making sleeping a slightly less pleasurable experience.
MWAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!

Another extra special cookie of yum over here.

And now something from Duke Nukem 3D:

"I'll rip your head off and shit down your neck!"

That's from Duke Nukem 3D? Now I have even more respect for Stand By Me.

erm... wait... now that I've started posting, I should probably give my threat...

If you don't shut up, I'll spawn kill you in Halo! /doesn't actually play Halo at all. Just assumes that it's possible.

Also

THIS, IS, SPARTAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA! And shout in their face and watch spittle fill their eyes and laugh.

 

[Captain Lag]

"It's time to kick ass and chew bubblegum, and I'm all outta gum."

 

[Energylegzz]

Ill kill your mother with a bent coat hanger.

 

[Guitarmasterx7]

Only works if you plan on following through*
We're going to play a little game. I'm going to flip this coin. If it's heads, I'll walk away and let it go. If it's tails, I'll lay your ass out before you even see it coming. *flip the coin as high up into the air as you can and then punch them square in the nose or jaw as hard as possible when by naturalistic reaction they look at the coin*
If it lands on tails: Told you you wouldn't see it coming.
If it lands on heads: Hey, everyone makes mistakes. yours was fucking with me.

 

[Inco]

-snip-

Well, thats got me to watch my entire collection of blackadder again. I love those quotes.

'You best be quite if you dont wan another incident where you accidentally ran into my foot.' -Me.

Oddly enough, that person i told that did run into my foot. It was just a reaction and i lifted my foot up and he ran into it.

 

[DrunkWithPower]

*Somebody insults Hunter S. Thompson*
"Ok, who just fucked their face up?"- Hunter S. Thompson