evilartist said:
No, I said ADHD caused the irritation and ridicule among my peers, and the ridicule caused by my peers caused my depression and insecurity. They are all linked, although my hypothetical statement is still a possibility. Things would have been different if I were more calm and less annoying to others.
Ah but more specifically, as you sorta said right there, one of the causes is the fact that you were not calm (hyperactive) and annoying (which, if I was to take a guess would be impulsive and lack of attention. That's what I was trying to get at. So, from what I know, people with ADHD manage to control those abilities so that, for example, you aren't tiresomely and excessively hyperactive. Then, after understanding comes the fun part: Use the aspects of ADHD in a situation where they help! I can think of so many situations where people who are active get good rep for it (best example I can think of is a party).
evilartist said:
Like I said, it's assholes that hurt me, not the ADHD. Saying that not having ADHD would have given me a better life is not the same as blaming it for having self-confidence issues. That's not how it works. ADHD causes attention span and behavior problems (which I don't doubt probably annoyed my peers).
Half-correct. While people being intolerant certainly makes it difficult, so does YOUR behavior towards them. The fact you doubt your attention span and behavior annoyed your peers is surprising. Having low attention span and behavior problems is EXACTLY what annoyed your peers. It's not fun to talk to someone who doesn't seem to listen. It's irritating when you tell someone not to do something and they do it anyways. It's infuriating when you strongly react to what people say (and makes you a HUGE target for teasing, just to see your reaction). As we mature, we learn to tolerate, understand and give feedback but kids will most often just reject, exclude and alienate people they don't like (which is why the behavior of kids with ADHD is a very well seen problem in childhood but isn't as notable in adulthood, or at least in the same way).
evilartist said:
My point is that there would have been different results if I had:
a) Lived among more tolerant people, OR:
b) Never had ADHD.
They both heed better outcomes for me, and that's not blaming my syndrome. I'm just saying I would have had a better chance at normalcy.
for b, very likely. For a, not as much as you would think. Wanna know why? Tolerant people still get pissed off. Either they show it, or they politely try and hide it (which inevitably and eventually just explodes). I don't deny it might not be different as you could be in a particularly nasty environment but even in a pretty normal environment people will eventually get annoyed. Ever moved to a different social environment? You probably had a nice reception at first where people were (overall) nice (assuming no bias about you) but eventually turn on you.
evilartist said:
Why do I get the feeling you're implying that it was my fault the way I acted? "Acted" isn't even the right word. That would suggest that I had an understanding of the situation and could have controlled it myself. That's simply not true.
Because that's EXACTLY what I'm implying. You should know that as human beings we are responsible for a certain degree of our actions. Also you CAN control situations you are in, assuming you're a human being. Imagine someone says "you're a dumb-ass" what might happen? you can hit them, you can walk away, you can ask them why, you can insult them back, etc... See? you CAN control how you act (or in this case, react). Now the problem is that the impulsive nature of people with ADHD makes them very likely to react fast and not always in the best way (hence the metaphor of "a mind with ADHD is a fast-moving car with no breaks). I'm sure this kind of situation has happened to you many times and I'm sure that over time have learned (and will keep learning) how to control yourself and not always act on impulse.
Now, what I'm about to say may seem harsh but read along, it's actually a positive thing: Even if you don't accept it, you ARE in fact responsible for part of terrible situation you were in. BUT, it's ok! Remember that everyone makes mistakes, and nobody is perfect. Some situations just have more dire consequences than other. Here's why it's actually a good thing: Since this terrible and sad situation is in part because of your behavior, you have control over it and thus, the ability to change it. (If you were miserable and couldn't control it, you'd stay miserable forever and thankfully the reason you are miserable is something you CAN control)
evilartist said:
Moocow, are you basing your opinions on someone you know with the same condition as me? For your information, ADHD has different levels of influence on people. My mother, for instance, has it really bad, and I never understood why I was so much further along than she was. I was told that it varies from person to person. I didn't have it so horribly, but it wasn't a subtle condition for me, either; I'm sure I was full-blown annoying. I've seen ADHD kids nowadays, and they're a pain. Still, they shouldn't be mistreated for that, or they're going to get the wrong impression about people.
Haha, you got me. I do know someone with the same condition and even though ADHD varies a lot I still think I am very knowledgeable in the domain. Know why? That person is me! Yeah, not only that but I spend half my childhood despised by everyone so I know exactly where you're coming from. Then I changed my life around, understood social stuff and became awesome. There will always be people in life who consider me tiresome, who don't like when I answer back, who don't like the fact that I act without thinking but those people aren't important, because no matter where I go I know there will also be plenty of people who accept and appreciate (and even give me feedback) my craziness.
I don't want to see you stuck like that, simply because I know how difficult it can feel when you can't understand why everyone suddenly hates you.
evilartist said:
I appreciate the advice Moocow (really), and trust me, I'm already on top of that stuff you said near the end of your post. I have friends now who are helping me with my issues, but I still have a massive chip on my shoulder. I feel cheated out of having a better social life. I could have nailed more interviews, dated more women, and had a better social network. I could have actually been happy and successful. I feel robbed, and I want it back (impossible). I can't get over it until I get some sort of closure. I'm not a spiritual person, but damn don't I wish karma existed.
Well I am glad you appreciate the advice, I know I'm being argumentative and forceful but my intention is for you to feel better about yourself in the end. But you see, that's not the right way to look at it at all. The more you look at how miserable the past is, the more difficult it will become to look for the future. Some of the problems are things that can either be changed, or things ADHD can help IF used the right way. Here, case by case:
Social life/network : well that's easy, parties. All the energy you have will impress others as you'll be always active, smiling and better off than "normal people". A lot of people with ADHD who learn social dynamics become even better than most normal people as social scenes. Have you explored the party scene much?
Interviews: Unless the firm is Dull, McBland & Co., your ADHD can help you create a unique image that stands out from the dull and boring normal people who all struggle distinguishing themselves. Have you actually had many jobs where they explicitly denied you because of the interview? because if so I'd be surprised. I personally guarantee you have an advantage here.
Women: Now this is tricky. Guys with too high energy are VERY swiftly rejected by women but guys who are enthusiastic in a controlled way can just talk to a woman and end up having her saying "here, call me" and give you their phone number. The dynamics of dating are an even more insane and something that EVERY GUY STRUGGLES WITH, just some figure out sooner than others. When it comes to dating however there is some truth. Studies show that guys with ADHD are more likely to engage lots of one-night-stands rather than longer relationships. Have you really taken the time to interact with women? gotten rejected a few times (which is a million times better than not trying)? see what happened?
Although all of these can definitely go really good or really bad you have an advantage across the board if you can see how to use it. You really shouldn't look of ADHD as bad. It's different. Sure it's not the best mentality for most aspects of our modern society but learn how to compensate and you can become so much more! Years ago I actually shared your view and wished to be like all the normal kids who never have the problems I do. I now realize that, not only every kid has his own problems and none are really "normal" but I have my own unique traits that make me who I am and I would never give that up.
evilartist said:
I'm not intentionally moping about it (though I am depressed), it's just that I'm so pissed about it.
And I'm saying that the sooner you stop being pissed about it, the sooner you can move on. Eventually you may learn to embrace it, use it (hence why I don't like it when people call ADHD a defect or a flaw), you will learn how to truly have fun and have a more fulfilling life! Trust me, it's WAY more fun than being depressed.
