<color=darkred>Previous Review: <url=http://www.escapistmagazine.com/forums/read/326.838209-Best-of-Film-2013>Best of 2013Next Review: <url=http://www.escapistmagazine.com/forums/read/326.838380-Other-Films-of-2013>"Other" of 2013
Worst of 2013
I struggled for a while to come up with an opening for a "Worst of 2013" list. Should I make an all-encompassing statement about the majority of films being not-good? Or how about a tangential statement about "Worst of" lists in general? Or, perhaps -- and you'll see this is the on I decided on -- a cop-out that included both of those as well as padding that you might find funny but will probably find annoying. It's always difficult to come up with an introduction, and this isn't a good one.
Like before this "Worst of" list will be done alphabetically, not by ranking. All of these are movies that I would -- and am, by virtue of making this list -- go out of my way to recommend avoiding. They are all bad. Sure, some might be worse than the others, but none of them are worth seeing. I'm not going to set an arbitrary limit to how many films I feel like listing, mostly because there are more than 10 that you should never see in your lifetime. I am including direct-to-video movies on here, too, because @#$% The Starving Games and Sharknado. Sorry. Spoiler alert.
Anyway, here are the films you should never see, unless you hunt bad movies or riff on them with friends (or alone, you loner).
<url=http://www.escapistmagazine.com/forums/read/326.402251-Marter-to-the-Movies-21-and-Over>21 and Over
<img height=200>http://i69.servimg.com/u/f69/16/09/70/40/poster30.jpg
Until I started making this list and looking back at all the films in 2013, I had completely forgotten that 21 and Over was a thing. Then I remembered how unfunny and dull it was, which is likely why I forgot about it. It has three teens running around a small town and college campus, all while looking for the house of one of them. It's not funny, it's not offensive, and it's not interesting. This type of genre needs to die.
After Earth
<img height=200>http://i55.servimg.com/u/f55/16/09/70/40/poste105.jpg
Will Smith telling son Jaden what to do for 90+ minutes while exploring a futuristic Earth where everything has evolved to kill humans -- despite humans no longer living on the planet -- and directed by the guy who hasn't done a genuinely good -- and not funny-good -- movie in more than a decade? Yeah, how did that go wrong? This is boring, has terrible special effects, and showcases a talentless Jaden Smith in the lead.
<url=http://www.escapistmagazine.com/forums/read/326.826949-Marter-to-the-Movies-Getaway>Getaway
<img height=200>http://i71.servimg.com/u/f71/16/09/70/40/poster33.jpg
I maintain that, someday, Getaway is going to wind up being a cult classic. It stars Ethan Hawke and Selena Gomez and has the two of them in car chases for 90 minutes. It's shot poorly, it's edited too rapidly, the dialogue is incessantly annoying, and there aren't any thrills to be had. It has a single minute of good filmmaking which is only highlighted because the rest is so incredibly awful.
A Good Day to Die Hard
<img height=200>http://i55.servimg.com/u/f55/16/09/70/40/poste106.jpg
I had a bit of hope going into the fifth Die Hard, mostly because an insane number of people hate the fourth one even though I found it fun, but this is a franchise killer. It is so painfully uninteresting and uninvolving that I can't see them getting to the planned sixth installment. Bruce Willis has done a number of terrible direct-to-video films in recent years, but this comes close to worsting them all.
The Hangover Part III
<img height=200>http://i55.servimg.com/u/f55/16/09/70/40/poste107.jpg
If there was ever a franchise I was quote-unquote "gunning for," it would be The Hangover. I've hated this series from day one; the only enjoyment I've ever gotten out of them was from Mike Tyson. I hate the premise, I hate the characters, and I don't think any of it's funny -- or even that offensive, for that matter. Part III is somehow more sanitized, and it doesn't have Mike Tyson in it -- and he showed up in Grudge Match! This is a humorless pile of garbage and I pray that the filmmakers keep their promise and bury the franchise for good.
<url=http://www.escapistmagazine.com/forums/read/326.404622-Marter-to-the-Movies-The-Host>The Host
<img height=200>http://i69.servimg.com/u/f69/16/09/70/40/poster60.jpg
I've been one of the few -- seemingly, at least -- to defend the Twilight series, but there's no defending Stephanie Meyer's The Host. The sci-fi is poor, the romance doesn't work, the central premise could have been interesting but it's not, and the action -- what little the film attempts -- is awful. It's too long and the only joy to be gleaned from it comes from the unintentional laugh category.
The Last Stand
<img height=200>http://i55.servimg.com/u/f55/16/09/70/40/poste108.jpg
There was a good movie starring an aging action star that came out in 2013, but it wasn't The Last Stand; that honor goes to Bullet to the Head, if you're wondering. The Last Stand is a boring, unfunny and terribly staged action film. Its stakes are low, it's terribly predictable, and it's a reminder that Arnold Schwarzenegger's best role is still the one that required him to do the only acting he can do: stay stoic for a film's entirety. It's intentionally over the top but it's not fun to watch.
<url=http://www.escapistmagazine.com/forums/read/326.409941-Marter-to-the-Movies-The-Purge>The Purge
<img height=200>http://i78.servimg.com/u/f78/16/09/70/40/poster58.jpg
The Purge is a generic home invasion thriller that becomes worse the more you think about its wasted potential. It has a fantastic premise -- all crime becomes legal for 12 hours once every year -- but uses it to stage a far worse version of The Strangers. It's not the worst movie, but it's the one that wasted the most potential.
R.I.P.D.
<img height=200>http://i55.servimg.com/u/f55/16/09/70/40/poste109.jpg
How does Men in Black, which has a similar premise and came out in 1997, have more humor, better action, and more impressive special effects than R.I.P.D., which came out in 2013? It's because the people who made Men in Black cared about the property and didn't do it for a paycheck. R.I.P.D. is so poor that even Jeff Bridges can't spice it up.
Rapture-Palooza
<img height=200>http://i55.servimg.com/u/f55/16/09/70/40/poste110.jpg
Of all the "end of the world" movies we had in 2013, Rapture-Palooza somehow managed to be one of them. It's not a good example of the genre, either. It's a "comedy," although it's far less funny than it should be given ... actually, it's only true comedic actors are Craig Robinson and Rob Corddry. Robinson improvises an over-the-top and satirical character, but it doesn't work. Corddry is in the supporting role and gets little to work with. This one wastes a fun premise and while it was made on the cheap as a "break" film for its actors, it's barely even watchable.
<url=http://www.escapistmagazine.com/forums/read/326.825760-2-50-Reviews-Sharknado-2013>Sharknado
<img height=200>http://i71.servimg.com/u/f71/16/09/70/40/poster22.jpg
Sharknado went viral in 2013 and for a day or two took over Twitter. I had to see it. It's awful. It's supposed to be enjoyed ironically. I get that. But I couldn't do it. It's boring, has terrible actors and special effects, has no sense of peril, and isn't even funny -- intentionally or unintentionally. It's just stupid. And the "sharknado" part barely even factored in. There's apparently already a sequel on the way so let's hope it isn't quite as bad.
<url=http://www.escapistmagazine.com/forums/read/326.834553-2-50-Reviews-The-Starving-Games-2013>The Starving Games
<img height=200>http://i55.servimg.com/u/f55/16/09/70/40/poster60.jpg
Jason Friedberg and Aaron Seltzer should stop making movies. They're no longer funny. They're not clever, they're not enjoyable, and they're not watchable. Just stop. You two have probably made a good chunk of money, so call it quits now. The Starving Games is terrible on every measurable level.
Here are the films that I didn't get to see that I figure might have contended for a spot on this list: 47 Ronin, The Big Wedding, The Canyons, Diana, Escape from Planet Earth, Grown Ups 2, A Haunted House, Identity Thief, InAPPropriate Comedy, Jack the Giant Slayer, The Last Exorcism Part II, The Lone Ranger, The Mortal Instruments: City of Bones, Paranoia, Planes, The Smurfs 2, Texas Chainsaw 3D.
Agree? Disagree? Want to kill me? Feel like saying I'm wrong (because opinions aren't a thing)? Let's do that. Tell me.
<color=D6D9DA>_________________________________________________________________________________
If you wish to be notified whenever a new review is posted, please join this <url=http://www.escapistmagazine.com/groups/view/2-50-Reviews>user group.
For an archive of all my previous movie reviews, please go <url=http://www.escapistmagazine.com/forums/read/326.284075-2-50-Reviews-Archive>here.
Talk to me on the Twitter, <url=https://twitter.com/martertweet>@martertweet.
Worst of 2013
I struggled for a while to come up with an opening for a "Worst of 2013" list. Should I make an all-encompassing statement about the majority of films being not-good? Or how about a tangential statement about "Worst of" lists in general? Or, perhaps -- and you'll see this is the on I decided on -- a cop-out that included both of those as well as padding that you might find funny but will probably find annoying. It's always difficult to come up with an introduction, and this isn't a good one.
Like before this "Worst of" list will be done alphabetically, not by ranking. All of these are movies that I would -- and am, by virtue of making this list -- go out of my way to recommend avoiding. They are all bad. Sure, some might be worse than the others, but none of them are worth seeing. I'm not going to set an arbitrary limit to how many films I feel like listing, mostly because there are more than 10 that you should never see in your lifetime. I am including direct-to-video movies on here, too, because @#$% The Starving Games and Sharknado. Sorry. Spoiler alert.
Anyway, here are the films you should never see, unless you hunt bad movies or riff on them with friends (or alone, you loner).
<url=http://www.escapistmagazine.com/forums/read/326.402251-Marter-to-the-Movies-21-and-Over>21 and Over
<img height=200>http://i69.servimg.com/u/f69/16/09/70/40/poster30.jpg
Until I started making this list and looking back at all the films in 2013, I had completely forgotten that 21 and Over was a thing. Then I remembered how unfunny and dull it was, which is likely why I forgot about it. It has three teens running around a small town and college campus, all while looking for the house of one of them. It's not funny, it's not offensive, and it's not interesting. This type of genre needs to die.
After Earth
<img height=200>http://i55.servimg.com/u/f55/16/09/70/40/poste105.jpg
Will Smith telling son Jaden what to do for 90+ minutes while exploring a futuristic Earth where everything has evolved to kill humans -- despite humans no longer living on the planet -- and directed by the guy who hasn't done a genuinely good -- and not funny-good -- movie in more than a decade? Yeah, how did that go wrong? This is boring, has terrible special effects, and showcases a talentless Jaden Smith in the lead.
<url=http://www.escapistmagazine.com/forums/read/326.826949-Marter-to-the-Movies-Getaway>Getaway
<img height=200>http://i71.servimg.com/u/f71/16/09/70/40/poster33.jpg
I maintain that, someday, Getaway is going to wind up being a cult classic. It stars Ethan Hawke and Selena Gomez and has the two of them in car chases for 90 minutes. It's shot poorly, it's edited too rapidly, the dialogue is incessantly annoying, and there aren't any thrills to be had. It has a single minute of good filmmaking which is only highlighted because the rest is so incredibly awful.
A Good Day to Die Hard
<img height=200>http://i55.servimg.com/u/f55/16/09/70/40/poste106.jpg
I had a bit of hope going into the fifth Die Hard, mostly because an insane number of people hate the fourth one even though I found it fun, but this is a franchise killer. It is so painfully uninteresting and uninvolving that I can't see them getting to the planned sixth installment. Bruce Willis has done a number of terrible direct-to-video films in recent years, but this comes close to worsting them all.
The Hangover Part III
<img height=200>http://i55.servimg.com/u/f55/16/09/70/40/poste107.jpg
If there was ever a franchise I was quote-unquote "gunning for," it would be The Hangover. I've hated this series from day one; the only enjoyment I've ever gotten out of them was from Mike Tyson. I hate the premise, I hate the characters, and I don't think any of it's funny -- or even that offensive, for that matter. Part III is somehow more sanitized, and it doesn't have Mike Tyson in it -- and he showed up in Grudge Match! This is a humorless pile of garbage and I pray that the filmmakers keep their promise and bury the franchise for good.
<url=http://www.escapistmagazine.com/forums/read/326.404622-Marter-to-the-Movies-The-Host>The Host
<img height=200>http://i69.servimg.com/u/f69/16/09/70/40/poster60.jpg
I've been one of the few -- seemingly, at least -- to defend the Twilight series, but there's no defending Stephanie Meyer's The Host. The sci-fi is poor, the romance doesn't work, the central premise could have been interesting but it's not, and the action -- what little the film attempts -- is awful. It's too long and the only joy to be gleaned from it comes from the unintentional laugh category.
The Last Stand
<img height=200>http://i55.servimg.com/u/f55/16/09/70/40/poste108.jpg
There was a good movie starring an aging action star that came out in 2013, but it wasn't The Last Stand; that honor goes to Bullet to the Head, if you're wondering. The Last Stand is a boring, unfunny and terribly staged action film. Its stakes are low, it's terribly predictable, and it's a reminder that Arnold Schwarzenegger's best role is still the one that required him to do the only acting he can do: stay stoic for a film's entirety. It's intentionally over the top but it's not fun to watch.
<url=http://www.escapistmagazine.com/forums/read/326.409941-Marter-to-the-Movies-The-Purge>The Purge
<img height=200>http://i78.servimg.com/u/f78/16/09/70/40/poster58.jpg
The Purge is a generic home invasion thriller that becomes worse the more you think about its wasted potential. It has a fantastic premise -- all crime becomes legal for 12 hours once every year -- but uses it to stage a far worse version of The Strangers. It's not the worst movie, but it's the one that wasted the most potential.
R.I.P.D.
<img height=200>http://i55.servimg.com/u/f55/16/09/70/40/poste109.jpg
How does Men in Black, which has a similar premise and came out in 1997, have more humor, better action, and more impressive special effects than R.I.P.D., which came out in 2013? It's because the people who made Men in Black cared about the property and didn't do it for a paycheck. R.I.P.D. is so poor that even Jeff Bridges can't spice it up.
Rapture-Palooza
<img height=200>http://i55.servimg.com/u/f55/16/09/70/40/poste110.jpg
Of all the "end of the world" movies we had in 2013, Rapture-Palooza somehow managed to be one of them. It's not a good example of the genre, either. It's a "comedy," although it's far less funny than it should be given ... actually, it's only true comedic actors are Craig Robinson and Rob Corddry. Robinson improvises an over-the-top and satirical character, but it doesn't work. Corddry is in the supporting role and gets little to work with. This one wastes a fun premise and while it was made on the cheap as a "break" film for its actors, it's barely even watchable.
<url=http://www.escapistmagazine.com/forums/read/326.825760-2-50-Reviews-Sharknado-2013>Sharknado
<img height=200>http://i71.servimg.com/u/f71/16/09/70/40/poster22.jpg
Sharknado went viral in 2013 and for a day or two took over Twitter. I had to see it. It's awful. It's supposed to be enjoyed ironically. I get that. But I couldn't do it. It's boring, has terrible actors and special effects, has no sense of peril, and isn't even funny -- intentionally or unintentionally. It's just stupid. And the "sharknado" part barely even factored in. There's apparently already a sequel on the way so let's hope it isn't quite as bad.
<url=http://www.escapistmagazine.com/forums/read/326.834553-2-50-Reviews-The-Starving-Games-2013>The Starving Games
<img height=200>http://i55.servimg.com/u/f55/16/09/70/40/poster60.jpg
Jason Friedberg and Aaron Seltzer should stop making movies. They're no longer funny. They're not clever, they're not enjoyable, and they're not watchable. Just stop. You two have probably made a good chunk of money, so call it quits now. The Starving Games is terrible on every measurable level.
Here are the films that I didn't get to see that I figure might have contended for a spot on this list: 47 Ronin, The Big Wedding, The Canyons, Diana, Escape from Planet Earth, Grown Ups 2, A Haunted House, Identity Thief, InAPPropriate Comedy, Jack the Giant Slayer, The Last Exorcism Part II, The Lone Ranger, The Mortal Instruments: City of Bones, Paranoia, Planes, The Smurfs 2, Texas Chainsaw 3D.
Agree? Disagree? Want to kill me? Feel like saying I'm wrong (because opinions aren't a thing)? Let's do that. Tell me.
<color=D6D9DA>_________________________________________________________________________________
If you wish to be notified whenever a new review is posted, please join this <url=http://www.escapistmagazine.com/groups/view/2-50-Reviews>user group.
For an archive of all my previous movie reviews, please go <url=http://www.escapistmagazine.com/forums/read/326.284075-2-50-Reviews-Archive>here.
Talk to me on the Twitter, <url=https://twitter.com/martertweet>@martertweet.
