How do I describe the last 20 years of my life? I can make a shortlist and you can be the judge of what was worse.
I've lost 5 jobs because of my black person status (they usually just n-word me.... a lot, and calling me buckwheat is also popular around here)
I was assaulted in high school (again, lots of n-words... bottles and rocks were thrown, and not shit was done about it by faculty member or local law enforcement)
I've been ejected from church... (not as much n-wording)
I've been ejected from places of business (very little n-wording, but my "kind" was not permitted)
I've been refused service at a restaurant (also a bar, but at least the owner was willing to call me n-words to my face, the restaurant manager was another of those "we don't serve your kind" people)
I won't even go into what my family life has been like, but let's just say one of my parents was not above making remarks about me either
I get harassed often when in public, which is why I'm a shut-in now, have been for most of these last two decades.
I've been n-worded by local police, so if something happens to me I don't exactly feel safe looking to them for help.
Little children have n-worded me.... that one stung a lot more than usual, though you never quite get used to it, even after all these years
I can disguise being half-black, and I generally do that as much as I can, but on occasion questions arise and I answer honestly, even knowing the consequences will usually be pretty goddamn negative. My favorite was a white girl I dated briefly that stated that the only kind of men she wanted to be with were whites only. I knew my future was not with her, but then this is not uncommon where I live, so I just sort of went with it for that final date (yes, it was the final date that she'd said that).
Friends have questioned whether or not I really consider myself a black person, treating it like an unfortunate condition. They aren't friends anymore, not all because of this, but it happens a lot here.
I was refuse employment because I revealed I was black to potential employers, who would upon finding out show me the door saying they were no longer interested in hiring, or "we just don't need your kind of trouble".
Friends have refused to be in public places with me because I am black, so I was sort of a secret for them.
I really could go on and on, but I think this should be enough to choose from. You tell me, which is worse? Which one of these has left me with clinically diagnosed debilitating disorders.
For me this growing collage of personal experiences has sort of melted into two very simple schools of thought; I am ethnically inferior to anyone that is not black and white, and that the state I live in will always be hell.
And before anyone suggests I leave explain how I do that when I can't hold down a job long enough to make money and move....
Apologies for typos, but this thread upsets me, and writing this the first time was hard enough.
