You know I hate flowers, so you always bring brains,
Your skin gets all mouldy whenever it rains,
I'll never forget when I first caught your eye,
And I've still got it here, though it's withered and dry.
Remember our first date, when we lurched through the mall,
And you showed me the hole in your abdominal wall?
How romantic that was! How I laughed till I sobbed,
How I looked on with awe as you fought off that mob.
And our first kiss was magic, a true serenade,
(I'm sure that in time all the bite marks will fade)
I thought at the time 'how refreshing to find,
A man so intent to get inside my mind?'
My dearest, I tell you, I've made it my mission,
To try and look past all your decomposition,
So what if you dance like a reject from Thriller?
No one can deny you're a real lady killer.
You may not say much, mostly 'ugh-hhh' and 'braaaaaiiinnnnns',
And it can get quite tiring cleaning up all the stains,
But there's no one alive who can beat you at Twister,
(And I know that you're sorry for eating my sister)
You're always so eager to lend me a hand,
Or an ear, or a leg - and once - a lymph gland,
I can't meet your parents (they're quite strict at the morgue),
But I'm sure that I'd like them, and wouldn't get gnawed.
And don't take to heart all those things my dad said,
And the cruel joke he made about Dawn of the Dead,
That chainsaw was just a small misunderstanding,
And so were the shotguns he keeps on the landing.
You're my Don Juan, my Romeo - if they were undead,
And left maggots and brain bits in Juliet's bed.
So to death us do part, or till decapitation,
(I'm learning to deal with my sexual frustration)
You're the best - you're my soul mate - a fabulous feller,
And that's why I keep you, chained up, in my cellar
)
