Writing a Short Essay on this Messy Video Game Regulation

[HigherTomorrow]

I am currently in my Sophomore year of High School, and, since I take Honor's English, I am expected to produce compositions every so often. Tomorrow, I have a paper due that is meant to be a persuasive essay that persuades the reader, my teacher, to support a controversial cause that I, too, support. Being a gamer (and knowing that my teacher dislikes video games immensely,) I saw a chance to do some good for the whole VGVN without the whole, you know, voting part, since I am a minor.

I currently have begun with this introductory, and I ask for some criticism.

Like the musical stylings of Elvis Presley, the works of J.D. Salinger, or Howard Hawkes? classic Scarface adaptation, new or controversial subject material often calls for regulation. After all, won?t anyone think of the children? Unfortunately, America, despite the fact that Prohibition ended 77 years ago, has decided that, instead of taking responsibility for her and her people?s actions, that the age old action of banning controversial subject matter is an easier way to go. What is currently being proposed for regulation is the 21st century?s media punching bag, the interactive art medium of video games.

Specifically, the bill seeks to call for a $1,000-dollar fine each time a minor is sold a violent video game of any extremity, mild or intense, which, while a respectably good-intentioned idea, is an unconstitutional imposition on a fledgling art form. But behind this, lies the scarier idea, that if, a bill such as this regulating gaming, what is to stop the government from regulating films, music, literature, or art? Are we to become a fascist country, dedicated to censoring anything that could be taken as offensive or deviant? Are we to sacrifice art for lack of responsibility?

Before anyone says anything, the overly-passionate delivery is intentional, and actually required, for the composition.

I plan on expanding on why the regulation is being called for, then what is at stake if it is passed, why is shouldn't be passed, and finally, what can be done to stop this. I'm not asking for you fellow members to do my homework for me, but if suggestions can be made on what should be included, it would be greatly appreciated.

 

[oplinger]

Well, I think you know all of what needs to be included, my only tip is this: Easy on the commas. Expand them into sentences or use something else you have quite a few in there that don't need to be.

 

[HigherTomorrow]

Well, I think you know all of what needs to be included, my only tip is this: Easy on the commas. Expand them into sentences or use something else you have quite a few in there that don't need to be.

Alright, will do. I personally though I had included way too much commas. It made the paragraphs come out broken and messy.

In fact, reading over it, a lot of the commas are grammatically incorrect. No matter how well my idea is presented, I'd still be chewed out for mistaken commas. Thanks.

 

[GeneralFungi]

You've got something going there.

I can't really think of any suggestions that don't feel redundant, so I'll
just say good luck. I really hope this paper can bring the teach around to at
Least respecting video games.

 

[HigherTomorrow]

You've got something going there.

I can't really think of any suggestions that don't feel redundant, so I'll
just say good luck. I really hope this paper can bring the teach around to at
Least respecting video games.

Yes. It's funny, because almost every day she makes a dig at all the lazy people "watching" their video games. She doesn't have an outright hatred of video games, but her prejudice against a medium she has never experienced annoys me, and all the other gamers in the class.

Thanks.

 

[TurtleBay]

The best writing is often the briefest. A lot of what you wrote is just hot air - remove the platitudes and use more examples. The platitudes include the "Unfortunately, America... instead of taking responsibility for her and her people's action" section and the appeal to fascism. Other parts of the paragraphs look like they are streams of consciousness rather than well thought out sentences.

The sentence structure needs work. Break down the document and think about what meaning you are trying to convey with each sentence and each paragraph. Once each sentence is broken down, identify the subject, object and verb in each and make sure they are arranged in a manner that makes the meaning clear to the reader or listener.

I will show you one area as an example by editing one of the passages.

"But behind this, lies the scarier idea, that if, a bill such as this regulating gaming, what is to stop the government from regulating films, music, literature, or art? Are we to become a fascist country, dedicated to censoring anything that could be taken as offensive or deviant?"

"If this law can regulate gaming, what stops the government from regulating other forms of art? Extending censorship to music, movies and books is a scary idea. Speech should not be regulated solely because the Government deems it offensive or deviant."

Each sentence that I formed contained one coherent idea. Each also had a clear subject and one clear verb.

As I said earlier, expand on your examples. You call the law unconstitutional yet don't reference any part of the bill or the constitution. The passage ends asking if we should sacrifice art for personal responsibility, though you never mentioned that parents should be responsible for the content their children watch. The prohibition reference would also benefit if you fleshed out the metaphor.

Good luck with your paper.