I've always loved reading relationship problem threads on the internet because I always thought to myself "well at least I don't have to deal with that, let alone stoop so low as to seek the internet's help" always knowing that the second I ended up in a similar situation the internet would be the first place I'd seek advice, so here I am.
Anyway my problem basically comes from the fact that for better or worse I can't "take a hint". I both think I understand body language and totally doubt my judgment because I think I'm seeing what I want to see, not what's really happening. So anyway what's happened thus far (prepare to read as I intend to spare no details for efficient advice giving).
At the start of this year I took notice of a girl that I found cute in one of my classes (note: college, not highschool). We ended up partnering up one class for an exercise and I started talking to her. As it turns out we were both taking the class for similar reasons and we have fairly common ground in terms of our interests and such. I started sitting next to her in class, talking to her more frequently, and eventually I asked if she'd like to exchange numbers. This is also where I apparently may have caused my first fuck up as the phrasing I used was something like "Want to trade numbers and hang out sometime" which I've been informed by friends may not have been as clear an indicator of my intentions as I originally thought. I phrased it that way because as far as I'm aware, "Will you go out with me" sounds kind of desperate and lame.
Anyway numbers were traded and plans to get together for dinner were made, me thinking "date acquired" and her thinking, well I don't know. Anyway we get dinner, talk, get along, etc. She explained to me the nature of her personality and schedule and how they kind of go hand in hand. She claims to be somewhat of a loner, something that I was kind of neutral towards because it means she won't be incredibly clingy but might also be too reclusive. She then also explained how she keeps a busy schedule both partly because it makes her feel productive and partly because she can use it as an excuse to not do things with people she doesn't want to be with (important later). Anyway we talked, had fun, and parted ways with that.
She agrees to see me again, also another meal, and it goes fairly similarly. We talked, had fun, etc. Anyway, she shared with me some stories of her hobby that she's embarrassed of and doesn't tell most people. She felt comfortable telling me knowing that I too am a massive nerd. She's a closet nerd. I walked her back to her room and she showed me some videos of her performing. I mentioned things like her looking good in her costume which she'd mentioned she'd felt self conscious and embarrassed about. After the videos she said she should probably study so I left.
I would like to point out for advice's sake that there was not even so much as a hug at this, or any point. Pretty much every girl I'm close to has been the one to make the relationship physical, in the sense that they usually hug me, hang on my arm, or something else like that first. The reason for this being that I don't want to come off as pushy, and also in the past I've opened my arms for the first hug only to get a "holy shit what the fuck are you trying to do" stare. That's why I usually let the girl do it first and then I might proceed to escalate it. Anyway, no hugs.
The next time I tried to do something with her I asked if she wanted to come with me to the mall (I wanted to buy Black Ops, the 5 minute errand required an hour long wait for the bus, I figured it'd be a good chance to see if I am a friend or more). Anyway she ended up saying she was too busy to go to the mall that day so we decided to get dinner another night that weekend. As it turns out a group of my friends were also eating at the same place at the same time and we ended up being coerced into sitting with them where my friends then went out of their ways to embarrass my ass. They cranked their "say ridiculous shit" meters to the max and were kind of coy about me wondering if I'm in the friendzone. I left the dinner pretty embarrassed but things seemed well enough. I walked her to her door, said goodnight, and left.
This next bit is one that I actually consider more important but its also probably what I'm most confused by. Immediately after the class we share together we went and ate a late lunch together. It was an unplanned thing that just kind of happened. We were talking however and we ended up discussing whether or not she wanted me there. It wasn't a hostile thing, but she said something to the effect of "Meh, here or not, I don't really care. Its fine either way. I don't mind eating alone, and your being here is ok but nothing too exciting".
This is really where my "I can't read people" issue comes into play. After class she had packed up her things before me. She had her backpack on and was ready to leave while I was still putting books into my bag. We weren't engaged in a conversation or anything since class had just finished. The part that confuses me is that, at least how I saw it, she waited for me. She waited for me, then as I was getting up said "Man I'm so hungry I really want to eat now" or something like that, to me of course, knowing that I frequently get food after that class. So we went together where she then said that "meh" comment. I said something like "Oh come on you know you like having me here" but she maintained the "meh". I couldn't really read her face. If I'm remembering it right she kind of made this *shrug* face and averted eye contact. Her body language in the classroom indicated to me "please come" and then her comments in the dining hall indicated apathy and I can't figure out what's up with that.
After that I asked if she wanted to watch something with me (its a show I really like with a bit of a romance element that I figured would be good to watch. I also planned to attempt a bit of physical contact since we'd been essentially completely devoid of that thus far). She said she might be able to watch it Friday and if not then definitely that Sunday. Friday she said she ended up being busy so we'd watch it on Sunday. Fine with me. I kept my Sunday free. Sunday she texted me apologizing, saying she was freaking out about a test we had the next day, and that she'd be too busy studying all day. I asked if she wanted to get food instead since studying or not everyone needs to eat but she said she'd already promised someone else she'd be eating with them that night. She then said maybe that Monday we could watch it. Monday comes around, we get our essays back with a revised copy due the next day. She groans that she now has too much work and as we walk away from class together assures me that she "really, really wanted to hang out but is just too busy".
I'm not sure what to make of that because on one hand I do know that yes, in fact, she does legitimately have things she has to do, but on the other hand, I also know she uses work as an excuse to get out of doing things with people she doesn't want to do things with. I know she has more work than I do on a day to day basis but I'm skeptical it could really take her THAT long. I don't know if I'm "politely" being told to fuck off or if she really just can't spare the time.
Also, recently I've noticed she's been talking to another guy in our class. She was talking to him before I first started talking to her but since I began seeing her outside class she's been speaking to me much more frequently than him. Recently though their number of in class conversations seems to have increased. I may be reading too much into it but I do think I may have potential competition.
Anyway I definitely won't see her this week since we're not at college for Thanksgiving break and I'm trying to take the time away from her to think about all the events objectively in my head, hence why I'm looking for an outsider's take. If you read all this, well thanks for that I suppose because I totally just rambled. My problem is I'm no mind reader. I don't know what she's thinking. I'm hoping we'll get back from break and she'll say something like "Did all my homework over break, lets go watch that show" followed by watching of the show coupled with cuddle time then leading to everything else but that's my optimistic nature at work again. What do you guys think of this situation? Am I a friend? Am I being told to fuck off? Is she talking to that other dude to make me jealous? Am I reading into that waaaaaaaaay too much (I think I probably am)? Opinions are most appreciated.
TL;DR - Screw you go read it.
EDIT! UPDATE: Asked her out today and she said yes. For future reference and to make my wall of text even greater here's basically how the conversation went down.
Me: "Do you know why I first started talking to you?"
Her: "Because we sat next to each other?"
Me: "Because the first time you walked into class I thought to myself 'holy shit she's cute'".
Her: *laughed*
Me: "Anyway since then we've spent some time together and you've grown on me a bit and as such I'd like to take you on a proper date".
Her: *looked pretty damn happy*
Me: "And you should totally say yes because at worst you put up with me for a few hours and get a free meal and at best awesome happens"
Her: *laughed* "Yes I'll go on a date with you"
and that's the important part. Then I walked home and did a happy dance. Anyway mission successful, advice no longer needed.
Anyway my problem basically comes from the fact that for better or worse I can't "take a hint". I both think I understand body language and totally doubt my judgment because I think I'm seeing what I want to see, not what's really happening. So anyway what's happened thus far (prepare to read as I intend to spare no details for efficient advice giving).
At the start of this year I took notice of a girl that I found cute in one of my classes (note: college, not highschool). We ended up partnering up one class for an exercise and I started talking to her. As it turns out we were both taking the class for similar reasons and we have fairly common ground in terms of our interests and such. I started sitting next to her in class, talking to her more frequently, and eventually I asked if she'd like to exchange numbers. This is also where I apparently may have caused my first fuck up as the phrasing I used was something like "Want to trade numbers and hang out sometime" which I've been informed by friends may not have been as clear an indicator of my intentions as I originally thought. I phrased it that way because as far as I'm aware, "Will you go out with me" sounds kind of desperate and lame.
Anyway numbers were traded and plans to get together for dinner were made, me thinking "date acquired" and her thinking, well I don't know. Anyway we get dinner, talk, get along, etc. She explained to me the nature of her personality and schedule and how they kind of go hand in hand. She claims to be somewhat of a loner, something that I was kind of neutral towards because it means she won't be incredibly clingy but might also be too reclusive. She then also explained how she keeps a busy schedule both partly because it makes her feel productive and partly because she can use it as an excuse to not do things with people she doesn't want to be with (important later). Anyway we talked, had fun, and parted ways with that.
She agrees to see me again, also another meal, and it goes fairly similarly. We talked, had fun, etc. Anyway, she shared with me some stories of her hobby that she's embarrassed of and doesn't tell most people. She felt comfortable telling me knowing that I too am a massive nerd. She's a closet nerd. I walked her back to her room and she showed me some videos of her performing. I mentioned things like her looking good in her costume which she'd mentioned she'd felt self conscious and embarrassed about. After the videos she said she should probably study so I left.
I would like to point out for advice's sake that there was not even so much as a hug at this, or any point. Pretty much every girl I'm close to has been the one to make the relationship physical, in the sense that they usually hug me, hang on my arm, or something else like that first. The reason for this being that I don't want to come off as pushy, and also in the past I've opened my arms for the first hug only to get a "holy shit what the fuck are you trying to do" stare. That's why I usually let the girl do it first and then I might proceed to escalate it. Anyway, no hugs.
The next time I tried to do something with her I asked if she wanted to come with me to the mall (I wanted to buy Black Ops, the 5 minute errand required an hour long wait for the bus, I figured it'd be a good chance to see if I am a friend or more). Anyway she ended up saying she was too busy to go to the mall that day so we decided to get dinner another night that weekend. As it turns out a group of my friends were also eating at the same place at the same time and we ended up being coerced into sitting with them where my friends then went out of their ways to embarrass my ass. They cranked their "say ridiculous shit" meters to the max and were kind of coy about me wondering if I'm in the friendzone. I left the dinner pretty embarrassed but things seemed well enough. I walked her to her door, said goodnight, and left.
This next bit is one that I actually consider more important but its also probably what I'm most confused by. Immediately after the class we share together we went and ate a late lunch together. It was an unplanned thing that just kind of happened. We were talking however and we ended up discussing whether or not she wanted me there. It wasn't a hostile thing, but she said something to the effect of "Meh, here or not, I don't really care. Its fine either way. I don't mind eating alone, and your being here is ok but nothing too exciting".
This is really where my "I can't read people" issue comes into play. After class she had packed up her things before me. She had her backpack on and was ready to leave while I was still putting books into my bag. We weren't engaged in a conversation or anything since class had just finished. The part that confuses me is that, at least how I saw it, she waited for me. She waited for me, then as I was getting up said "Man I'm so hungry I really want to eat now" or something like that, to me of course, knowing that I frequently get food after that class. So we went together where she then said that "meh" comment. I said something like "Oh come on you know you like having me here" but she maintained the "meh". I couldn't really read her face. If I'm remembering it right she kind of made this *shrug* face and averted eye contact. Her body language in the classroom indicated to me "please come" and then her comments in the dining hall indicated apathy and I can't figure out what's up with that.
After that I asked if she wanted to watch something with me (its a show I really like with a bit of a romance element that I figured would be good to watch. I also planned to attempt a bit of physical contact since we'd been essentially completely devoid of that thus far). She said she might be able to watch it Friday and if not then definitely that Sunday. Friday she said she ended up being busy so we'd watch it on Sunday. Fine with me. I kept my Sunday free. Sunday she texted me apologizing, saying she was freaking out about a test we had the next day, and that she'd be too busy studying all day. I asked if she wanted to get food instead since studying or not everyone needs to eat but she said she'd already promised someone else she'd be eating with them that night. She then said maybe that Monday we could watch it. Monday comes around, we get our essays back with a revised copy due the next day. She groans that she now has too much work and as we walk away from class together assures me that she "really, really wanted to hang out but is just too busy".
I'm not sure what to make of that because on one hand I do know that yes, in fact, she does legitimately have things she has to do, but on the other hand, I also know she uses work as an excuse to get out of doing things with people she doesn't want to do things with. I know she has more work than I do on a day to day basis but I'm skeptical it could really take her THAT long. I don't know if I'm "politely" being told to fuck off or if she really just can't spare the time.
Also, recently I've noticed she's been talking to another guy in our class. She was talking to him before I first started talking to her but since I began seeing her outside class she's been speaking to me much more frequently than him. Recently though their number of in class conversations seems to have increased. I may be reading too much into it but I do think I may have potential competition.
Anyway I definitely won't see her this week since we're not at college for Thanksgiving break and I'm trying to take the time away from her to think about all the events objectively in my head, hence why I'm looking for an outsider's take. If you read all this, well thanks for that I suppose because I totally just rambled. My problem is I'm no mind reader. I don't know what she's thinking. I'm hoping we'll get back from break and she'll say something like "Did all my homework over break, lets go watch that show" followed by watching of the show coupled with cuddle time then leading to everything else but that's my optimistic nature at work again. What do you guys think of this situation? Am I a friend? Am I being told to fuck off? Is she talking to that other dude to make me jealous? Am I reading into that waaaaaaaaay too much (I think I probably am)? Opinions are most appreciated.
TL;DR - Screw you go read it.
EDIT! UPDATE: Asked her out today and she said yes. For future reference and to make my wall of text even greater here's basically how the conversation went down.
Me: "Do you know why I first started talking to you?"
Her: "Because we sat next to each other?"
Me: "Because the first time you walked into class I thought to myself 'holy shit she's cute'".
Her: *laughed*
Me: "Anyway since then we've spent some time together and you've grown on me a bit and as such I'd like to take you on a proper date".
Her: *looked pretty damn happy*
Me: "And you should totally say yes because at worst you put up with me for a few hours and get a free meal and at best awesome happens"
Her: *laughed* "Yes I'll go on a date with you"
and that's the important part. Then I walked home and did a happy dance. Anyway mission successful, advice no longer needed.
