You are the first person to set foot on Mars. What do you say?

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Teoes

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Hello? Anyone there? I have a recording of Slim Whitman and I'm not afraid to use it!
 

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Now to set about drawing the solar system's largest gentleman's sausage, so large it is visible from Earth - and dedicating it to Jeremy Clarkson.
 

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All right, so according to this map, Red Rackham's treasure should be somewhere over there.
 

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Right, I'm thinking gentlemen's clubs and casinos as far as the eye can see. Also, this place is now called New Soho.