You Are Ultrajoe: A Choose Your Own Adventure Where Anyone Can 'Help'.
- Thread starter Ultrajoe
- Start date
Recommended Videos
Ultrajoe stared up at the Fel Reaver, its massive mechanical limbs spitting with PURE HATRED and humming with what was literally hellish power. If Satan owned a Gundam, this would be his Gundam. If Cthulhu played Mechwarrior, this would be his ride. If Orcus was a 40K fan, he would field this thing for 10,000 points. Ultrajoe was glad he had taken off his pants, because he wet himself at the sight of his screeching fate.
"Oh god" Ultrajoe sputtered "Oh Adal, Oh Hakkar, Oh candle. Oh crap"
The Fel Reaver ignored Ultrajoe, being an Infernal engine of rage and agony who doesn't care for lint, beer, dance or deep and meaningful discussion. On reflection, Ultrajoe decided that these were indeed all very silly ideas.
Game Server Note: Ultrajoe Is A Troll, A Lanky 7.5 Foot Tall Creature With A Pace-Length Of Just Over A Meter. Top Speed: 30km/H While Sprinting. The Fel Reaver Is Powered By Fury And Is 60 Feet Tall With A Pace-Length Of About Twenty Meters. Its Top Speed Is: Really Fast.
- Love, The Game Server
"Nghhgthng" Was the noise UJ made as the Fel Reaver kicked him for fifty meters into the side of a cliff nearby.
"O, Ah Louff Diss Sonn" Ultrajoe said, muffled by the toe of the confused Fel Reaver.
"Begone, Foul Beast!" Thundered the Orc as he drove his axe into the chest of the Reaver, "Harm'st Not This Gentle Troll Maiden!"
"Wut?" Said Ultrajoe.
[HEADING=2]"Wut?" SAID THE FEL REAVER[/HEADING]
"Take Thy Foul Mechanical Behind Backeth To The Fiery Pits Of Hell!" The Samaritan screamed, undaunted.
The Fel Reaver towered over the Orc, and lashed out with all the stomps and slams it could muster, the very earth shook as punch after punch from the titan slammed into the ground. Fire burst from the ground, stars fell from the sky, rocks grew arms and began to play electric guitars as the Orc drew back his mighty warblade. "I Cleanse Thee, Naughty Robot, In The Name Of Justice, Honor And Peace!"
The Orc grabbed onto the Giant's fist after sidestepping a particularly nasty pound, and hung on grimly until he could leap onto the blazing chest of the monstrosity. "Have At Thee!" He screamed, unleashing mighty and magical attacks upon the Reavers core that caused sparks to fly and the monster to lurch in pain.
"Good Idea, My Sweet Summer Flower" the Orc called, dropping from the monsters chest just in time to dodge a thunderous slap that would have crushed him flat. He held out his axe and hooked onto the Crotch of the Reaver with his blade, causing it to shriek even higher pitched than usual. Fire began to appear along the edge of the Axe, and the Orc's eyes glowed an even more potent blue as he gathered power for a massive attack.
"By Fire Be Purged" He called, delivering the strike deep into the precious gears of the Fel Reaver. The Castrating Cataclysm felled the beast, and it topped with a pained whimper onto the ground below. When the dust cleared, the Powerful Orc had swept Ultrajoe into his arms and was posing triumphantly on top of the beast.
"I'll say again" Said Joe "Wut?"
"Hush my sweet" Said the Orc, abandoning his abuse of capital letters now that the fight was over "You are safe now, safe in my mighty, mighty arms. What was a delicate flower like you doing in such a horrid place as this? What possessed you to challenge a Fel Reaver!?"
"To be perfectly honest" Ultrajoe said while he got comfortable in the Orcs mighty, mighty arms "I was going to see if its poop was good for getting the sillies"
"Ah, the Sillies" The Orc said knowingly "I have spent many a year on all sorts of amusing and dangerous substances". Ultrajoe thought that this explained a great deal.
"So, you keen to try the bog one, er, I mean 'Big one'... my, er, sweety-pie?" Ultrajoe ventured "Uh, with me?"
The Orc wandered around to where the Fel Reaver had voided its bowels, and set Ultrajoe down before leaning out over the pile of infernal dookie. The rising vapors formed into the shape of screaming faces as the Orc inhaled the misty mojo. "Thine sweet" He said, turning unsteadily to where Ultrajoe was standing looking disgusted "Why do you not... do you not... join... gnghgngn".
The Orc toppled sideways and began to twitch away dwon the hill like some kind of Epileptic bobsled. Ultrajoe did not know what he was seeing, but it was probably something horrible.
"This will never, ever, ever, ever, never, ever come back to haunt me" Ultrajoe said with confidence for a second time as he walked to the crotch-plate of the Reaver "And now to finish me a quest"
Ultrajoe Has Gained [Fel Reaver Crotch-Plate] For Quest [The Secret Quest]
"Not so big now, are you" Uj boasted, as he passed the head of the Fel Beasty "I've always wondered though, if you're so big and robotic, why does it matter that we blow up something in your chest or lower regions?"
[HEADING=2]"It Doesn't' Said The Fel Reaver Head Unhappily.[/HEADING]
"Yerk" Ultrajoe whimpered, dashing away from the creature.
Time for some sleep.
[HEADING=2]ROOOOAAAAAARRRRR[/HEADING]
"Oh god" Ultrajoe sputtered "Oh Adal, Oh Hakkar, Oh candle. Oh crap"
"Listen" Ultrajoe shouted, dancing back and forth merrily (Which, fortunately, caused several massive crushing punches to narrowly miss him) "Could I offer you booze, lint, could I perhaps venture that this has something to do with your father and how he treated you!?"
[HEADING=2]ROOOOAAAAAARRRRR[/HEADING]
The Fel Reaver ignored Ultrajoe, being an Infernal engine of rage and agony who doesn't care for lint, beer, dance or deep and meaningful discussion. On reflection, Ultrajoe decided that these were indeed all very silly ideas.
That, UJ decided, was a good idea.
Game Server Note: Ultrajoe Is A Troll, A Lanky 7.5 Foot Tall Creature With A Pace-Length Of Just Over A Meter. Top Speed: 30km/H While Sprinting. The Fel Reaver Is Powered By Fury And Is 60 Feet Tall With A Pace-Length Of About Twenty Meters. Its Top Speed Is: Really Fast.
- Love, The Game Server
"Nghhgthng" Was the noise UJ made as the Fel Reaver kicked him for fifty meters into the side of a cliff nearby.
"I need help, I am a sad noob. Help, Oh please, Help!" Ultrajoe screamed as the fel reaver poked the very tip of its toe into his mouth. This was going to be one hell of a curb stomping...Asturiel said:
"O, Ah Louff Diss Sonn" Ultrajoe said, muffled by the toe of the confused Fel Reaver.
"Begone, Foul Beast!" Thundered the Orc as he drove his axe into the chest of the Reaver, "Harm'st Not This Gentle Troll Maiden!"
"Wut?" Said Ultrajoe.
[HEADING=2]"Wut?" SAID THE FEL REAVER[/HEADING]
"Take Thy Foul Mechanical Behind Backeth To The Fiery Pits Of Hell!" The Samaritan screamed, undaunted.
The Fel Reaver towered over the Orc, and lashed out with all the stomps and slams it could muster, the very earth shook as punch after punch from the titan slammed into the ground. Fire burst from the ground, stars fell from the sky, rocks grew arms and began to play electric guitars as the Orc drew back his mighty warblade. "I Cleanse Thee, Naughty Robot, In The Name Of Justice, Honor And Peace!"
The Orc grabbed onto the Giant's fist after sidestepping a particularly nasty pound, and hung on grimly until he could leap onto the blazing chest of the monstrosity. "Have At Thee!" He screamed, unleashing mighty and magical attacks upon the Reavers core that caused sparks to fly and the monster to lurch in pain.
"Aim for its Nads" Ultrajoe called encouragingly.Hubilub said:
"Good Idea, My Sweet Summer Flower" the Orc called, dropping from the monsters chest just in time to dodge a thunderous slap that would have crushed him flat. He held out his axe and hooked onto the Crotch of the Reaver with his blade, causing it to shriek even higher pitched than usual. Fire began to appear along the edge of the Axe, and the Orc's eyes glowed an even more potent blue as he gathered power for a massive attack.
"By Fire Be Purged" He called, delivering the strike deep into the precious gears of the Fel Reaver. The Castrating Cataclysm felled the beast, and it topped with a pained whimper onto the ground below. When the dust cleared, the Powerful Orc had swept Ultrajoe into his arms and was posing triumphantly on top of the beast.
"I'll say again" Said Joe "Wut?"
"Hush my sweet" Said the Orc, abandoning his abuse of capital letters now that the fight was over "You are safe now, safe in my mighty, mighty arms. What was a delicate flower like you doing in such a horrid place as this? What possessed you to challenge a Fel Reaver!?"
"To be perfectly honest" Ultrajoe said while he got comfortable in the Orcs mighty, mighty arms "I was going to see if its poop was good for getting the sillies"
"Ah, the Sillies" The Orc said knowingly "I have spent many a year on all sorts of amusing and dangerous substances". Ultrajoe thought that this explained a great deal.
"So, you keen to try the bog one, er, I mean 'Big one'... my, er, sweety-pie?" Ultrajoe ventured "Uh, with me?"
The Orc wandered around to where the Fel Reaver had voided its bowels, and set Ultrajoe down before leaning out over the pile of infernal dookie. The rising vapors formed into the shape of screaming faces as the Orc inhaled the misty mojo. "Thine sweet" He said, turning unsteadily to where Ultrajoe was standing looking disgusted "Why do you not... do you not... join... gnghgngn".
The Orc toppled sideways and began to twitch away dwon the hill like some kind of Epileptic bobsled. Ultrajoe did not know what he was seeing, but it was probably something horrible.
"This will never, ever, ever, ever, never, ever come back to haunt me" Ultrajoe said with confidence for a second time as he walked to the crotch-plate of the Reaver "And now to finish me a quest"
Ultrajoe Has Gained [Fel Reaver Crotch-Plate] For Quest [The Secret Quest]
"Not so big now, are you" Uj boasted, as he passed the head of the Fel Beasty "I've always wondered though, if you're so big and robotic, why does it matter that we blow up something in your chest or lower regions?"
[HEADING=2]"It Doesn't' Said The Fel Reaver Head Unhappily.[/HEADING]
"Yerk" Ultrajoe whimpered, dashing away from the creature.
Time for some sleep.
GAME SERVER said:
Big thanks to my GM Zoraxe for helping out with this one. I didn't tell him what the dialogue would be, but I'm sure he will appreciate my interpretation of his character.
Check [Zoraxe] to see if he has any [money] or [food] or [hallucinogenics].
Then head [south] towards the city while [juggling throwing knives].
Then head [south] towards the city while [juggling throwing knives].
Attempt to kill [Nearly-dead Fel Reaver] by forcing [Poisonous Pasta of Agony] into its gears. Failing that, lop it's sodding head off.
Attempt to craft a pseudo-BatCape out of [Fel Reaver Crotch Plate] and investigate its flying properties by jumping off [End of the World].
Attempt to craft a pseudo-BatCape out of [Fel Reaver Crotch Plate] and investigate its flying properties by jumping off [End of the World].
Hey guys, stop checking me out imo. dean. not happy bro. You make me out to be a druggy , and then gay XD also u know i carry around 20k gold at all times, plz dont search me 
Hers my idea!
Give [zoraxe] all your money for saving you from instant death. Then head [west] to city, and hand in [secret quest] taking the dragon as a reward. Use this [dragon] to slay [unknown mage] and steal all her gold.
PS( unknown mage shall be known as arrwynn?)
Hers my idea!
Give [zoraxe] all your money for saving you from instant death. Then head [west] to city, and hand in [secret quest] taking the dragon as a reward. Use this [dragon] to slay [unknown mage] and steal all her gold.
PS( unknown mage shall be known as arrwynn?)
Attach [spare throwing knife] to [Fel Reaver crotch plate] like a [feather], wear combination as a [pimp hat]. Recruit [Zoraxe] as [gigolo].
Ultrajoe is less Ultra than I had thought, it seems...
Perhaps this command could remedy this:
Last login: Wed Feb 10 21:05:01 on ttys000
Eranas-macbook-197:~ Erana$ cd "Escapist adventure games"
Erana-197: Escapistadventuregames Erana$ ls
UJoeWOW.exe
Readme.txt
Ultrasandvich.dll
Erana-197:~ Erana$ Wine UJoeWOW.exe
[Finish off]the [Fel REAVER] and loot corpse to receive [Martin Fury].
Perhaps this command could remedy this:
Last login: Wed Feb 10 21:05:01 on ttys000
Eranas-macbook-197:~ Erana$ cd "Escapist adventure games"
Erana-197: Escapistadventuregames Erana$ ls
UJoeWOW.exe
Readme.txt
Ultrasandvich.dll
Erana-197:~ Erana$ Wine UJoeWOW.exe
[Finish off]the [Fel REAVER] and loot corpse to receive [Martin Fury].
[recieve quest from fel reaver head] Deadly air toxin from Fel reaver execrement. Only cure is to suffer horrible agony in sensitive area until poison cloud mob gets bored and leaves. Reward: Living longer in this horrible place and a new rectal limp.
Command: Take [poison pasta] insert into [rectum] and enjoy [the benefits].
Command: Take [poison pasta] insert into [rectum] and enjoy [the benefits].
Sadly, while I had grand plans for this story going forward, my WoW subscription has expired. Given that I am very busy lately, I will not be renewing that subscription.
So it is with genuine regret that I say there will be no more entries by myself into this thread. My apologies to whoever may have been enjoying this.
So it is with genuine regret that I say there will be no more entries by myself into this thread. My apologies to whoever may have been enjoying this.