your child is transgendered

[carnex]

If its not in regards to a permanent surgical operation, then what entirely reversible and harmless part of the process of transition is "too soon" for a minor to try out to see if it improves their quality of life, then? Genuine question, because there's no real negatives I could see aside from exposing your child to an increased amount of bullying, which is why in my original post I said I wouldn't have them present as they wish until they saw a psych. Comparing an increase of bullying and the increased probability of violence they'll face to the fact that more than half of transgender people under the age of twenty have attempted suicide, the math sways me to allow their transition after being cleared.

I know enough to know that sex reassignment surgery is not truly reversible. Yes, you can leave reproductive tract intact if you are going from female to male but with greatly increased risk of complications. However going male to female is another thing entirely, sex reassignment surgery does include removal of testicles.

P.S.
If anyone does go for one, spare yourself some money and visit Serbia. It's beautiful, Belgrade is considered night life capital of south eastern Europe (some say of Europe) and we have some of the best sex reassignment surgeons in the world that work for peanuts compared to their western colleagues.

 

[FPLOON]

Well, no matter what, there's going to be a lot of [positive] talking... Probably reveal more closets than expected, but the sooner the better as my partner and I agreed upon beforehand... Also, no matter what, we will get through this as a family...

Other than that, I cannot stop thinking about having a montage-based dress-up party with my teenage transchild "for some reason"...

 

[The Lunatic]

@TheLunatic Its late, so I just dug up this to simply say that allowing the kid to transition, given that its the right option for the kid, can't be worse than the bullying.

http://web.archive.org/web/20141231152514/http://lazerprincess.tumblr.com/post/106447705738/suicide-note

Additionally, you do not need to be presenting a certain way to get hormone blockers. You can be in the closet and on hormone blockers, or out but not on blockers, meaning there's still no real reason there to be against hormone blockers. Class bullies don't generally have access to the medical information of their classmates.

"Go to church and pray the trans away" is quite a bit different than "Wait a few years".

It's debatable if it's the right choice. Kid is still under 18, I don't trust them to have made up their mind, so, essentially it may just be subjecting them to years of psychological harm from bullying all for no real reason.

As such, it doesn't seem worth it when the risk of suicide from bullying is very real and is an awful thing that affects many people, especially those who identify as transgender.

Even if not presenting as the gender they feel they are, it's still a case that suppressing hormones is a bit of a grey area, and at the very least certainly affects how a child will look and function in an important time. These years often affect the entire life of a child and having their ability to reach their academic goals at this age affected by some treatment for a thing I don't trust them to have fully made up their mind about seems like a really bad idea.

Not to mention the affect bullying has its victims long after high school.

 

[newfoundsky]

this is for everyone but as a transgirl myself, I have become curious.

Let's say you have a child and as they grow up you notice they're not like other kids. THey're either unusually effeminate or tomboyish, liking my little pony or transformers over what you would normally expect for a child.

And they're not growing out of it. In fact they're expressing a strong desire to become the opposite gender, saying that they want medicine to change them....

How, as a parent, would you handle this? Bear in mind we are talking about someone roughly around 13 years old.

What would you do, and why?

The following conversation would take place:

"Listen here you little shit (aside: ALL of the conversations with my child will start like this), I love you, even if you want to experience different chemical reactions and conform to an opposite set of roles and expectations set forth by society!"

Then I would wait and be supportive and if and when I thought they could handle the social stigma offer to pay for the medicine and surgery my damn self because I love my little shits. If they feel they are ready for it and do not, I will be there every step of the way except financially because my little shits will know the pain of monetary remorse!

 

[sky14kemea]

Well for starters they're going to need a whole new wardrobe.

I'd be okay with it. I'd start taking them to counselling to help them and myself understand it more, and to see whether they think they'd want to transition or not at some point.

I'm genderfluid myself, so it's not like I'm ignorant to people's gender not matching their physical state. I've also had a friend come out as trans sort-of recently, and I'm constantly worried about doing the wrong thing around her or misnaming/misgendering her. So I think I'd be able to handle it fairly well, if a bit neurotically. =P

The biggest problem would be the people around them. Their friends, their school, and the extended family. My dad still doesn't accept my name change (Though I'm personally fine with that, and told him as much. I don't expect people who've called me my old name for 22 years to suddenly up and change it). There are people who will not accept it and might even be hostile about it.

I'd definitely make them more wary when they're at school. Possibly slowly easing themself into the clothing they feel more comfortable in but without breaking any uniform rules or making themselves stand out a lot. Once they'd finish school though, I'd let them fully change into dressing however they want. That way they can be more themselves when/if they decide to go to college.

 

[Notshauna]

Talk to them and try to what it right for them as best I can. In particular have them enrolled in counselling and look into hormone blockers. But, of course being Trans myself I'm far more open to the idea than the average person.

 

[Azure23]

A thirteen year old doesn't know shit. And by the time I have kids the science will probably be common enough to find out whether they've got true gender dysphoria i.e. biologically one sex's brain in the other sex's body, or are expressing some other mental illness in the context of a pro-LGBT society. (Hopefully I'll be raising my kids far away from America or the future EU caliphate)

I'll be doing everything I can to raise my son as a strong man, so if he ends up identifying as a woman it'd probably be genuine. I wouldn't behave differently toward him, but I would focus on porking a straight son out of my wife if I didn't have one already.

If I have a daughter who identifies as a man, or even just acts like a tomboy as a kid that'd be pretty kickass actually. I bet I could get her out on hunting trips, riding motorcycles, and teaching her how to fight alongside my straight male sons. And there's no chance a straight girl who grew up killing animals, playing sports, and fighting is going to settle for a nerdy beta provider type later on. She'll only go after the manliest of dudes and I wouldn't have to put up with some mewling limp wristed leftist at family parties. But again, my wife might feel left out of imparting her femininity to the next generation so we might decide to bang out a straight girl.

Can't tell if this is brilliant satire or you're actually unironically using phrases like "nerdy beta type" while posting on the escapist forums. Either way, a very entertaining read.

 

[Naqel]

Let's say you have a child and as they grow up you notice they're not like other kids. THey're either unusually effeminate or tomboyish, liking my little pony or transformers over what you would normally expect for a child.

For starters, I wouldn't make the ridiculous assumption that their interests are abnormal for their age or gender.

We live in the 21st century FFS, one of the big popculture things of the last decade was boys liking pastel colored ponies, and as much as I hate giving feminists any credibility, we are struggling with making the traditionally male 'gaming space' more welcoming for girls and women.

If they arrive at a point where they are capable of making an informed decision, and the finances allow it, they get a green light.
But I sure as hell would not steer them towards it, and most certainly would not pay attention to any mentions of a gender change until they're at an age sexuality comes into play as a part of a relationship.

 

[Verlander]

My 6 year old boy is incredibly effeminate. He likes girls toys and pink stuff etc. That said, he's never seemed to have a problem playing with boys or being one.

Just gonna let it play out. There's no crime in preferring a different type of toy or colour to your peers. If he is then he is, if not then not. He'll still grow up with the confidence to be himself.

 

[ecoho]

this is for everyone but as a transgirl myself, I have become curious.

Let's say you have a child and as they grow up you notice they're not like other kids. THey're either unusually effeminate or tomboyish, liking my little pony or transformers over what you would normally expect for a child.

And they're not growing out of it. In fact they're expressing a strong desire to become the opposite gender, saying that they want medicine to change them....

How, as a parent, would you handle this? Bear in mind we are talking about someone roughly around 13 years old.

What would you do, and why?

pretty much say I love them no matter what first in foremost and then call my cousin in from cali. He happens to be gay and a great guy so probably the best person to turn to in this situation. Also grab my mother and bring her in as she is the one who supported my cousin the most when he came out.

 

[Tsun Tzu]

First of all,

"Holy shit, I have a child!?"

Second,

Being a boy and liking MLP is perfectly fine. Being a girl and liking Transformers is also perfectly fine. You don't need particular parts to enjoy specific entertainment.

Third,

All right. I can sort of understand not necessarily identifying with your biological sex, but 13, as others have stated, is way too fucking young and lacking in any sense of credible perspective to make a life altering choice like this one.

They can wait until they're older and I'd support 'em. They're my kid, after all. What am I going to do? Turn my back on them? What do you think I am? Religious?

Ha. Ha. Jokes.

And fourth,

Kids make the decision to kill themselves at thirteen so I'd say it's just about the right time.

Is...is this supposed to be an argument?

13-year-olds can also decide to stay up all night eating snickers and drinking Pepsi. The simple fact that they're 'capable' of making the decision doesn't inherently make it an informed or, dare I say, 'good' one.

As someone who spent most of his formative years in a deep depression, trundling about between therapists and spending an inordinate amount of time hanging off balconies, I can attest to the complete and utter lack of capable decision making that a typical thirteen-year-old can exert with their relatively limited perspective, nevermind the near non-existent life experience and raging hormones.

So, no. I don't trust a kid, at 13, to adequately understand the ramifications of their actions and how it will affect their future or those around them.

 

[Adeptus Aspartem]

In the end it's their decision. Yes it's a hard one, yes it can go wrong but that's just life. Sometimes you're infront of a big question and you've to answer it yourself.
In this case it's a 13y old kid who has to make this decision.

Of course you'd read up on all the stuff, go and visit doctors & psychiatrists etc. pp. But in the end it's his/her decision and even though you can tell them, they're allowed to chose once they're 18, i don't think your child will be very happy if he has to go through the already miserable teenager-shenanigans in the wrong body AND not starting hormone treatment at a young age will probably have some effect too.

Honestly, i think "wait till you're 18" is just a pretext to safe your own skin. But it's not your matter, it's theirs.

 

[norashepard]

Kids make the decision to kill themselves at thirteen so I'd say it's just about the right time.

Is...is this supposed to be an argument?

13-year-olds can also decide to stay up all night eating snickers and drinking Pepsi. The simple fact that they're 'capable' of making the decision doesn't inherently make it an informed or, dare I say, 'good' one.

As someone who spent most of his formative years in a deep depression, trundling about between therapists and spending an inordinate amount of time hanging off balconies, I can attest to the complete and utter lack of capable decision making that a typical thirteen-year-old can exert with their relatively limited perspective, nevermind the near non-existent life experience and raging hormones.

So, no. I don't trust a kid, at 13, to adequately understand the ramifications of their actions and how it will affect their future or those around them.

Dude, the fact that you went to therapists is a good thing, because it means that SOMEONE recognized that you needed help. Being trans is the exact same way. When you are a thirteen year old kid, right smack in the middle of EVERYONE you know changing via puberty, you're going to be hugely uncomfortable, and to have your parents outright tell you no is going to be a pretty good reason to just give up.

Helping a child get to a gender identity therapist and possibly on (completely reversible) hormone blockers does not change them in any major or permanent way, but the promise alone is enough to keep transgender kids from killing themselves before they ever even reach adulthood. Besides, as I said above, the law in most countries literally will not allow a kid under 18 to get any form of surgery anyway.

The choice has nothing to do with it. If I have cancer in my arm, I am going to want the doctors to cut it out, 13 or 45. Yes, it will make my life harder, but to ignore it will mean that I'll have cancer in my entire body by the time I get around to dealing with it. Being trans is the same way. The longer one is aware of it while doing nothing, the greater and greater the chance of sucide is. And guess what: having a thirteen year old kid kill themselves is going to be just as affecting to the community, themselves, and you as if they transitioned.

Killing yourself is never a good decision, but it is one that children will make when faced with a world that doesn't want them. Allowing your kid to make that choice just because you don't trust them to be smart enough about their own body makes you a BAD PARENT, and honestly, responsible if and when they do kill themselves.

 

[Colour Scientist]

Transitioning would be a pretty new and unknown process for a vast majority of people so I think it's understandable why a lot of people would be wary about making rash decisions and wouldn't jump at the "high-five, let's start everything right fucking now" approach.

Yes, but wouldn't seeing a psychologist be more or less something you try to do immediately? Would you or anybody in the thread hold that off if your child came to you and said that they felt depressed, or were needed help dealing with some sort of traumatic experience? People are showing hesitation to bring their child to a professional, presumably because they believe that it may be indulging the idea that they're trans and therefore harmful, which is crazy talk. You don't not take your kid to the doctor that will help them because you're afraid that the doctor might think that you're child needs some sort of medical attention. If you treat mental conditions like their physical counterparts, it'd be the equivalant of seeing your child coughing up blood daily and saying "well, if its still happening when you're eighteen, we'll do something about it". I don't mean to be damning, but its basically child neglect to not do anything regarding the matter.

Most people here seem to be in agreement that they would take their child to see a psychologist or bring them to talk to someone. I think what people are hesitant or uncertain about is jumping head first into physical or hormonal changes at a young age.

I think it might do you a bit of good to assume the best in people.

 

[Deathmageddon]

And they're not growing out of it. ... Bear in mind we are talking about someone roughly around 13 years old.

13. And they're not growing out of it.

THIRTEEN?! When I was a teenager, I outgrew a litany of stuff a mile long and then outgrew my having outgrown it a year later! Thirteen year olds aren't old enough to drive, but making a decision that will affect them for their entire lives is fine? Should 13 year olds also be encouraged marry and get pregnant? Let's wait until they've at least stopped growing out of their SHOES before we say they're not growing out of it lmao!

Can't wait to see what kind of vitriolic responses I get in the name of some kind of ironically selective "tolerance" for saying this, but I'm against elective and cosmetic surgery as a general rule. People should learn to love themselves the way they were born. If you just artificially change whatever you don't like, you'll just find something you can't change with surgery and never get over it or grow as a person. I don't know what someone with those feelings is going through, and I have nothing but sympathy for them, but 70-80% of people with those feelings spontaneously lose them (study by Vanderbilt University and London's Portman Clinic) and a significant number who "transition" do regret it. My future kids can do whatever they want (this is me being tolerant), and I'll always love them and try to be a part of their lives, but that doesn't mean I have to agree and I'm sure as hell not paying for it.

 

[cleric of the order]

Well in all honesty I wouldn't be quite sure of what to do.
I'd still love them, that's simple.
It's not that much of a big deal.
But there's a number of things i don't really know how to react to i suppose.
Assuming they have full gender disphoria then well I'd get them some assessments, I'd have likely had to have themn tested for ASD anyway.
But shit, It's going to be annoying reading up on that shit, I mean my parents had to learn a bit about ASD too but I really just don't want to.

 

[Proto Taco]

This question exactly, is why people need to stop treating transgenderism like a stupid hipster 'decision' or 'expression' and actually do legitimate scientific tests to find out what causes it so that it can be detected early and dealt with at as young an age as possible.

Problem is people still largely see trans people as crossdressers, and 'edgy' hipsters have started hiding behind the 'genderqueer' umbrella to get more attention, which hasn't helped anything. As a trans person who's suffered through the trans dilemma my whole life, I can tell you with certainty that a large number of 'genderqueer' people are simply faking it for attention. This does not help matters when trying to get actual research done on the topic, seriously.

To those who wouldn't feel comfortable committing to their child's 'decision' to do HRT, I would recommend hormone blockers. But if they come out as young as 13, don't force them to suffer through a dysphoric puberty, that's just cruel, and you're setting them up for misery later in life. Put them on hormone blockers until such time as you and your child are comfortable with the decision and then help them get started. Don't kick them out or tell them to get a job and tough it out, help them. Make them feel like they're not a pariah and you actually care about their wellbeing.

There is nothing worse than feeling like a societal mistake for reasons beyond your control.

 

[Sigmund Av Volsung]

I'd give them my support and tell them that I'm behind everything that they want to do in life, so long as it makes them happy.

Unless their grandmother gets involved. Then I begin fortifying defences and protecting my kid from her bullshit. If there's any one factor that would ever affect any sort of familial decision in this hypothetical scenario is my current family tampering with anything.

They wouldn't get a say in this, and I'd tell them to fuck off. I get enough bullshit on what gets classified "manly" and "weak" that there'd be no way I'd let them in on something like this, if it were to happen. In that scenario, I would actively encourage my kid even more out of my own mal-adjusted though (hopefully) well-intentioned spite.