Your favorite groaners!

[Quillpaw]

A Higgs-Boson particle walks into a church. The priest gets angry and shouts "We don't allow Higgs-Boson particles here! You call yourself the God particle, it's sacrilegious!" The Higgs-Boson particle says "But if you don't allow Higgs-Boson particles, how do you have Mass?"

And since everyone else has some, I present the elephant jokes. I have tormented many a soul with them.

How many elephants can you fit in a station wagon?

Spoiler

Four. Two in front, two in back.

How many giraffes can you fit in a station wagon?

Spoiler

None. There's all those elephants in there.

How can you tell there's an elephant in your refrigerator?

Spoiler

There's a footprint in the butter.

How can you tell there's two elephants in your refrigerator?

Spoiler

You can hear them giggle when the light goes out.

How can you tell there's three elephants in your refrigerator?

Spoiler

You can't quite get the door closed.

How can you tell there's four elephants in your refrigerator?

Spoiler

There's a station wagon parked out front.

How many actors does it take to change a lightbulb?

Spoiler

Ten. One to change it and nine to stand around and say they could do it better.

How many Californians does it take to screw in a lightbulb?

Spoiler

None. Californians screw in hottubs.

 

[McMarbles]

So, the Hunchback of Notre Dame's getting on in years, and he just can't keep up his bell-ringing schedule. So he decides it's time to hire an assistant.

So, he interviews a bunch of prospective candidates, but none of them really has what it takes.

Finally, there's only one candidate left... a little boy with no arms.

The hunchback says, "Look, I'm sorry, kid, but I don't see how you're qualified to do this joob. I mean... not to point out the obvious, but you kidn of need arms to ring the bell."

The kid says "Just give me a chance, sir. I'll prove I can do it!"

The Hunchback says "Look, I admire your enthusiasm, but you clearly can't do it."

"Please, sir. Just one chance. If I can't ring the bell, I promise I'll never bother you again."

Overcome with morbid curiosity, the hunchback relents. So, the boy backs up a buit... then runs, full tilt, into the bell. The Hunchback is amazed. He's never heard the bell rung so beautifully before. Tears in his eyes, he says "That was amazing. Can you do it again?"

The boy says "Of course!" And he backs up again, and goes charging at the bell. Suddenly, there's a freak gust of wind, blowing the bell to the side at the last minute. The boy can't stop in time and charges right over the edge, falling down the clock toer to his death.

When the finally get to the body, the abbott asks the hunchback, "What was the boy's name?"

And the hunchback says "I don't know, but his face rings a bell."