"You're being too picky because you don't like X!"

[Paragon Fury]

No, this isn't about body standards much as you might think it would be coming from me. Rather its about personal habits and life things.

I've been told that I'm far too picky and close-minded because I won't deal with or be with anyone who smokes (anything, for any reason) and kids are a non-starter, either making our own or her bringing in kids from a previous relationship. Being completely honest, these two things (especially the former) completely annihilates a good chunk, perhaps even a notable majority of the women in the entire state I live in.

Is that to high a standard? I never felt it was; I don't want the responsibility of or like children, and smoking anything is a disgusting, wasteful habit that directly affects people around you too. Not to mention it costs a small fortune, no matter your vice.

And in a general sense, where do you think the bar is for "too high standards"?

 

[IceForce]

The no-smoking thing I can totally understand, and I don't think that's too high of a standard at all.
The no-children thing might become a bit of an issue though, because as you get older, it's going to become more and more difficult to find a woman without any kids.

Ultimately though, I don't personally find either of these to be "too high standards".
"Too high", to me, would be like requiring she be an expert pianist, or have an IQ over 130, or something like that.

(Also, I thought this was going to be another boobs thread when I clicked on it.)

 

[Dirty Hipsters]

I don't think that there is any bar that's "too high" because if you're going to settle for something that you don't like then you're just not going to be happy. There's a reason half of marriages end in divorce, and it's because people think that they'll warm up to certain traits in someone else, or that they'll be able to change their significant other, and this is almost never the case.

So the question is, what's worse to you, being with someone who doesn't meet your standards and who you will probably come to resent down the road, or being alone?

Personally I prefer being alone. This is not the case with everyone, some people hate being alone and will put up with a lot of shit just to have someone else.

If being alone terrifies you then lower your standards, if not then don't, it's just that simple.

 

[Phasmal]

Personally, I wouldn't date a smoker either. I don't think it's unreasonable.

And as for the no-kids thing, that's fine as long as it's something you're upfront about with any potential partners, I guess.

I will say, in all your threads about being single- you don't mention if you really want a girlfriend. I know it's easy to say but perhaps you should tell these people who tell you that your standards are too high to mind their own business.

As for my own experience, people will tell you your standards are too high for any reason, really. I was once told my standards were too high for refusing a date with a guy I was not attracted to (because all he needed was a chaaaaaaaaaaance- no).

I also doubt I'd go out with a guy who didn't play video games, which to an outside observer might sound unreasonable but they're a big part of my life and I prefer to have that in common with my partner.
I probably have more things that could sound 'too high' in standard but it's worked for me so far. 7 year anniversary soon, woo.

I guess your standards are never too high as long as they're reasonable for your situation and you're honest about them and willing to stick to them or just be alone.

 

[Diablo1099_v1legacy]

I probably have more things that could sound 'too high' in standard but it's worked for me so far. 7 year anniversary soon, woo.

Oh wow, congrats!

Nothing else really to add, just felt like saying that ^^;

OT: I'm working on a college project (Well, not today because I was in literal agony for most of last night, Thanks food poisoning) but most of them are smokers and JESUS CHRIST their breath literally smells like shit when they talk too close to me. It's so weird how much it smells like exactly that.
Considering that if you were dating, you would most likely be kissing that mouth, I don't think it's massively unreasonable to want to avoid smokers.

The no-kids thing, while I am in that boat, I can see why some people might consider that a deal breaker.
Both issues are kinda moot however, main reason I'm not in the dating game is crippling self doubt :'D

 

[manic_depressive13]

Smoking isn't a permanent condition. Maybe instead of turning down all these smokers, you should give them the opportunity to quit? I didn't want to date someone who ate meat, but I wasn't crazy enough to limit my dating prospects so drastically. I just picked someone who was perfect in every other way and then guilted the shit out of them when the time was right.

 

[veloper]

Nobody is obligated to fall in love with anyone, therefore no standards are ever too high. You either desire someone or you don't and there's also nothing wrong with blocking a desire and thinking one step ahead about long term potential.

Kids from a previous relationship is one of the big considerations.
For the responsible mother, kids come first in all situations, as they should. The bond between mother and child is also the strongest emotional bond there is, while romantic love is just a temporary rush of hormones.
The TS is wise to pass up the honor of playing secondary nanny, but if he doesn't want any kids of himself either, maybe he should just get in the game of short adventures and be upfront about it, if he can play.

 

[The Rogue Wolf]

I am not under any obligation to lower my standards because somebody else says I'm "too picky". I'm invested in my happiness, not theirs.

I didn't want to date someone who ate meat, but I wasn't crazy enough to limit my dating prospects so drastically. I just picked someone who was perfect in every other way and then guilted the shit out of them when the time was right.

Do you have any idea how ridiculously manipulative that sounds? "I will make myself important to you and then change you to suit my tastes."

 

[manic_depressive13]

Do you have any idea how ridiculously manipulative that sounds? "I will make myself important to you and then change you to suit my tastes."

"Ridiculously Manipulative" is my middle name. Manic, Ridiculously Manipulative Depressive.

 

[Something Amyss]

I just picked someone who was perfect in every other way and then guilted the shit out of them when the time was right.

I hope to fuck you're joking. After you accused me of enforcing stereotypes, that's just...wow.

I also doubt I'd go out with a guy who didn't play video games, which to an outside observer might sound unreasonable but they're a big part of my life and I prefer to have that in common with my partner.

One of the things I find baffling about relationships is that so many people think this is unreasonable. Not gaming specifically, but for years, people were really annoyed that I wouldn't date people I shared no interested with. I'm a massive music geek, atheist, and reader and you want to hook me up with a Christian who only listens to Creed and thinks my favourite book series is is inspired by Satan, and you think this is going to work out because...?

I mean, people don't have to be just like me to get along with me, but an intimate, long-term relationship should probably hit one or two of the big points. And considering one of the things I look for is someone I can be "me" around....

I guess your standards are never too high as long as they're reasonable for your situation and you're honest about them and willing to stick to them or just be alone.

That's what baffles me with the OP, though. He often comes off as quite desperate. I think that might be where the claims of being "too picky" come from.

Me? I don't go looking for relationships. It would suck if my SO dumped me, but I probably wouldn't bother looking for someone else. And I'd probably be in a relationship again in six months. I can afford to be choosy because I'm absolutely fine being single. I'm really not all that choosy, though. If I pointed out all the places my SO and I were different, it might actually come off like I was being down on them.

 

[Saelune]

Pickiness is a flaw...though smoking is far more a flaw and whoever said that to you is a terrible person.

EDIT: I misunderstood the topic a bit.

Having standards is fair, but its knowing the differences between what must be and what you prefer.

Whoever I am with HAS to be a gamer. Its too part of my life for me to be with a non-gamer. A romantic evening to me is co-op gaming. Humor is also a must. Making me laugh is a quick way to make me like you, but even if they aren't the funniest, they need to appreciate my humor since I love laughing and making people laugh.

I could potentially be with a smoker, but they would have to respect my right to breathe, and Id inevidably try to get them to quit, so if smoking is that important to them, I doubt it will work out.

That said, appearance is not the biggest deal for me, and Id probably prefer to have some varied interests from them. Maybe we both like different games which means we have something to share with eachother. My only true requirements is gamer, likes humor, and isn't a bad person.

Really it comes down to major life stuff. Wanting or not wanting children is a reasonable issue for a relationship. Someone who must have kids wont last with someone who refuses to ever have them. But if you act like Jerry from Seinfeld, then you are the bad picky.

 

[manic_depressive13]

After you accused me of enforcing stereotypes...

No, I accused you of touting shoddy science with roots in sexist ideology.

 

[Something Amyss]

No, I accused you of touting shoddy science with roots in sexist ideology.

And of enforcing gender stereotypes and harming feminism. In fact, you continued arguing with me about my gender role enforcement long after I abandoned what you claimed was "shoddy science." So I'm guessing you really weren't joking, and actually accused me of enforcing gender roles and hurting feminism while actually doing that.

Yeah, you can reply if you want, but that's all I needed to hear. Like, ever. Bye.

 

[manic_depressive13]

No, I accused you of touting shoddy science with roots in sexist ideology.

And of enforcing gender stereotypes and harming feminism. In fact, you continued arguing with me about my gender role enforcement long after I abandoned what you claimed was "shoddy science." So I'm guessing you really weren't joking, and actually accused me of enforcing gender roles and hurting feminism while actually doing that.

Yeah, you can reply if you want, but that's all I needed to hear. Like, ever. Bye.

I don't know which gender roles you subscribe to so I'm not sure how that's possible. I do like that you're claiming I made all these horrible accusations at you, and yet the thing that makes you decide I'm not worth speaking to is that... I asked my partner to stop eating meat.

So anyway, byebye!

 

[Phasmal]

I also doubt I'd go out with a guy who didn't play video games, which to an outside observer might sound unreasonable but they're a big part of my life and I prefer to have that in common with my partner.

One of the things I find baffling about relationships is that so many people think this is unreasonable. Not gaming specifically, but for years, people were really annoyed that I wouldn't date people I shared no interested with. I'm a massive music geek, atheist, and reader and you want to hook me up with a Christian who only listens to Creed and thinks my favourite book series is is inspired by Satan, and you think this is going to work out because...?

I mean, people don't have to be just like me to get along with me, but an intimate, long-term relationship should probably hit one or two of the big points. And considering one of the things I look for is someone I can be "me" around....

I'll definitely agree there. I've spent time around some couples that has just left me with the question of what on earth they have in common. I'm sure there must be something, but I couldn't see it at all.

I enjoy sharing hobbies with my partner, that way we can have interesting arguments such as the 'Does Captain America technically have superpowers' argument we've been having on and off for the last few years. (Yes. Obviously.)

I guess your standards are never too high as long as they're reasonable for your situation and you're honest about them and willing to stick to them or just be alone.

That's what baffles me with the OP, though. He often comes off as quite desperate. I think that might be where the claims of being "too picky" come from.

Eh, well the OP seems more bothered by what people think about him being single rather than the fact they are actually single. Does that make sense? Maybe.

Me? I don't go looking for relationships. It would suck if my SO dumped me, but I probably wouldn't bother looking for someone else.

Haha, same. As much as I tease my boyfriend by saying I'd just 'go to GAME and get a new one' if we broke up- (which sounds harsher now that I write it down haha) I'd probably just call quits and collect cats rather than go out looking for a new boyfriend. All of my boyfriends have been friends first anyway, the idea of specifically looking for a relationship is a bit of a weird one for me.

 

[Adeptus Aspartem]

Not dating smokers is something that i hear fairly often. Smoking in our generation and younger isn't that common anymore i guess. I'd say only 10-20% of my friends smoke and many that did stopped over the last couples years.
Even in the university right now non-smokers are a big majority - at least the people i've met.

Not havin' kids is probably more "niche" and surely makes it harder to find someone for longterm relationships. I'd only consider it picky if you'd constantly bicker about not finding someone who doesn't want kids. Maybe.

 

[BloatedGuppy]

And in a general sense, where do you think the bar is for "too high standards"?

The only person who can decide whether your standards are too high or too low is you. How choosy you are is going to determine how large or small your dating pool is. If it becomes impossible to find someone and you're gritting your teeth from loneliness, that's you communicating to yourself that your standards have gotten too high.

Smoking isn't a permanent condition.

This is a salient point. While you should never approach anyone as a project fit for changing, smoking is NOT a permanent condition, and people do change. I know a lot of smokers, and with one very annoying exception (my mother), they all WANT to quit. And a good number of them HAVE quit, successfully. And one of those is my girlfriend, who quit nine years ago after a few months of dating because she knew it bothered me.

It's pretty difficult to make a "pro smoking" argument, so that's an area where you can set completely reasonable sounding boundaries and not sound like a dick. Kids on the other hand...that's a deal breaker. You're going to need to find someone who doesn't want them. It shouldn't be THAT hard. I'd say most of the adults I know are a solid 50/50 split between "KIDS KIDS KIDS" and "NEVAR!".

 

[Something Amyss]

I'll definitely agree there. I've spent time around some couples that has just left me with the question of what on earth they have in common. I'm sure there must be something, but I couldn't see it at all.

Yeah. A friend of mine just got dragged to a country concert. And every week it seems he's complaining about getting dragged to church, or her parents, or whatever. And I always wonder, you know, why they're actually together. I mean, maybe there's more stuff, but the stuff I hear about he acts like it's a chore, and when he's able to game with us he acts like the good woman has let him off his leash for a while. And I'm just...what?

Fortunately, if I want to play games, I just set my SO down in front of Skyrim. >.>

I enjoy sharing hobbies with my partner, that way we can have interesting arguments such as the 'Does Captain America technically have superpowers' argument we've been having on and off for the last few years. (Yes. Obviously.)

XD yeah, my SO and I will argue about things more in the line of fantasy, but same idea. Though with the above instance of Skyrim, I have to stop them and occasionally remind them that I played about two hours of Skyrim, so they might as well be talking Klingon to me.

Eh, well the OP seems more bothered by what people think about him being single rather than the fact they are actually single. Does that make sense? Maybe.

It makes sense. I would argue more that it's also true, not that it excludes the other. But again, that's just me, and I'm not a shrink. Unless armchair shrinks count. In which case, I probably have enough hours to count as an armchair PhD.

Haha, same. As much as I tease my boyfriend by saying I'd just 'go to GAME and get a new one' if we broke up- (which sounds harsher now that I write it down haha) I'd probably just call quits and collect cats rather than go out looking for a new boyfriend. All of my boyfriends have been friends first anyway, the idea of specifically looking for a relationship is a bit of a weird one for me.

One of the things about relationships is that you should really be comfortable enough in them to be horrible. >.>

But, like, my SO and I were accused of "mutual harassment" before we got together, because we would tease each other mercilessly. And contextually, we were cool. We knew each other were just fooling around, and we were fine with it. So going down to GAME and picking up a new one would seem harsh randomly, but given the way I tease my friends--let alone my SO--I actually smiled at it.

But I should point out I am a horrible person, so...

Also, I'd stick with the "friends first" approach personally. In my late teens and early twenties, I bowed to societal pressure and did go out with people I didn't know. Those didn't tend to work out. I mean, if that's what works for someone, awesome. I'm not saying that nobody should ever do it. But knowing someone before you date them or enter a relationship (I often seem to bypass the dating part) i that's always worked for me. Finding someone you're that comfortable with is awesome.

 

[ThatOtherGirl]

Neither are being too picky. I love my child, but parenthood isn't for every one. It is a massive responsibility. That said, it does make you incompatible with a lot of people for long term relationships.

Smoking is something people can change, but I honestly don't think it being a deal breaker is being so picky. If you absolutely cannot stand smoking it is just going to cause problems, better to not get into such a relationship if they have no desire to quit.

 

[Souplex]

While I would say your standards are fine, I feel you should have a little wiggle-room for smokers who are trying to quit.