Zero Punctuation: Lightning Returns: Final Fantasy XIII

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chrystallix

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Colt47 said:
Chocorodeo said:
shadowmagus said:
So it seems the Lightning Defense Force is already here. I swear it has to be guys from SE, no one can like this character (if you can even call her that anymore and not just "set piece"). Unsurprisingly, this game was horrible but it did make for one of the better ZP reviews in awhile. Can we please put Lightning and the rest of her broody band out to pasture now...and shoot them? Please?
Can we please shove a shotgun up this cocksucker's asshole and blow his brains all over the ceiling? Please?

Holy fucking shit, all of you fucking retards deserve to die.
Why? The XIII series is like the Final Fantasy equivalent of the Resident Evil live action movies. Then again I totally expect the response I'm going to get from you given your social interaction meter is somewhere in the pits of hades.
You really shouldn't bother with this guy, like at all. He is blatantly not here for proper discussion, if he's not trolling, he's legitimately not worth wasting the words on.
 

Kurt Cristal

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Colt47 said:
Why? The XIII series is like the Final Fantasy equivalent of the Resident Evil live action movies. Then again I totally expect the response I'm going to get from you given your social interaction meter is somewhere in the pits of hades.
Hey now, have you played RE5 and 6? The movies have CLEARLY taken over, quality wise. At least the movies are at least somewhat aware they're kindof dumb.

Teasing aside, and I actually kind of liked Lightning. Her broodiness was given context here and there and she had the decency to not wallow in her depression and take action on a fairly regular basis. Also watching her punch people was a delight. And it's been a while since I played it, I recall her lightening (heh) up towards the middle end bits. But wait, that was XIII.

This now, Lightning Returns? Was rather nonplussed with the combat system, it felt too awkward and then the demo was over before you could really start to enjoy it. Here's the first cutscene and half a tutorial, enjoy! Meh. Bad first impression, it will take quite a bit to get me to even rent this one, even if I give Lightning as a character more leeway than others are willing to. And to whit, I skipped XIII-2 entirely.
 

Cybylt

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The plot reads like fanfiction, Stagger and the fact that your roles are still actually supposed to align with Commando, Ravager, and Medic/Sentinel is never explained at all unless you recognized their little symbols, and Lightning remains as dull as ever, the whole thing is a goddamned mess. But it's also really, really fun.

This isn't even a Final Fantasy game, this is a Tri-Ace game, and I mean that in a really good way. Combat is 13's fully realized final hour where everything is open to you, except it's all open to you from the very start. The time management makes things feel very fraught and like you're always on the brink of not making it to the next bit but in actuality you can just come back again another day which is a plus or minus depending on how you take it. Further, time doesn't pass in combat. For whatever reason I also liked how the apathetic populace typical of a sidequest heavy rpg actually comes into play into the plot, and it changes the world around you as you complete their quests. The people are 500+ years old and are just... done. They don't care anymore and are just waiting for the world to end, but when you help them you bring back meaning fulfillment to their life and they and the people around them change with it. Yusnaan goes from a mindless party awaiting the end to everyone helping each other out and preparing for what's to come, the air of desperation turns to one of actual enjoyment.

You don't level up, instead you get stat upgrades from completing quests so grinding is a non-issue unless you want to go about making the monster population extinct to get the "Last One" bonus rewards like an incredibly powerful sword and chips to level up your abilities. But the largest monster populations, for things that you can kill in one or two hits, aren't much above 100.

I couldn't in good conscience recommend anyone to go out and buy the game at full price, because as I said it's a mess, but it's also by and away the best entry in the FF13 trio. Probably because it doesn't feel like it was meant to be, it just happens to have the cast in it.
 

Paradoxrifts

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This is like when you send a poorly cooked meal back to the kitchen, but it returns reeking urine.

Except the meal has been sent back to the kitchen for a second time. And now it has come back smeared with feces on top of even more urine this time around.
 

Ryan Hughes

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Wait, so Chocorodeo, the person literally threatening the lives of about a dozen people on this thread, only got a 3-day suspension? Escapist, ban that person permanently. I do not take kindly to that type of behavior, and it should not be remotely tolerated by the moderators.
 

InsanityRequiem

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Abomination said:
LordOfInsanity said:
On the side of Lightning characterization? The guy who made the games/Lightning character said that she's really popular in Japan. I want to know if that's even true. Is a character that has no character really that popular? Heck, those idiot main characters in harem mangas seem to have more character than Lightning.
You've seen anime, right?

Ever notice how the broody mc brooderson main character broodmaster of his brooding broodlings must brood his way through a broody setting seems to be all the rage?

What is popular in Japan is mysterious and strange. Characters are frequently 2 dimensional hypocrites.

Good review, or at least cemented my opinions of the Final Fantasy series (nothing good since 9).
I have seen anime, tend to read manga too. Heck, I am currently reading a manga that has a main character akin to Lightning. Emotionally dead(mother did experiments on him when he was a child which removed to his emotional capabilities) and something of a genius in his field. But even then, he still has more character than Lightning. Also involves a slightly future version of the world in which magic is invented and he has a little sister than has something of a brother complex for him. And still better than Lightning for some ungodly reason!
 

Dynamite Headdy

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I watched some of LRR Kathleen's footage of the game a couple of weeks ago. She, too, observed that the game had a tendency to both discourage combat and require it at the same time. Apparently it just doesn't give as much benefit as just wandering around doing quests, so it doesn't feel like it's worth the trouble until you get to a boss fight and turn out to be woefully unprepared.

In any case, this was a highly entertaining video and Yahtzee deserves some positive feedback, so... here it is! :D
 

Velric

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One this that confused me about this game: The cinematics are amazing, but the textures are absolutely terrible. One of the first towns you visit looks like something from 10 years ago, I think half-life 2 actually had better textures.
 

Worgen

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Whatever, just wash your hands.
Mahoshonen said:
thejboy88 said:
I wonder if Yahtzee is aware of just how much funnier this review will be to Bronies like myself thanks to his continuous use of the word "clop" throughout this review. I can just imagine one of his friends whispering to him afterwards what it means and then just seeing him try and wrap his head around it.
Thank you for letting everyone know that you masterbate to children's cartoons. It truely enriched the discussion on this thread.

No, that's not right. What I meant to say that this post was more soul-killing than the ones made by the guy that got suspended.
I'm fairly sure before mlp, no one ever masturbated to a childrens cartoon.

 

ClockworkPenguin

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RJ Dalton said:
Abomination said:
LordOfInsanity said:
On the side of Lightning characterization? The guy who made the games/Lightning character said that she's really popular in Japan. I want to know if that's even true. Is a character that has no character really that popular? Heck, those idiot main characters in harem mangas seem to have more character than Lightning.
You've seen anime, right?

Ever notice how the broody mc brooderson main character broodmaster of his brooding broodlings must brood his way through a broody setting seems to be all the rage?

What is popular in Japan is mysterious and strange. Characters are frequently 2 dimensional hypocrites.

Good review, or at least cemented my opinions of the Final Fantasy series (nothing good since 9).
Speaking of hypocrites, have you noticed all the brooding, gritty reboots in America lately?
Just pointing out this isn't really a Japan thing. All media across the world is composed of 80% mediocrity, 15% utter shit and 5% actual high quality stuff.
Actually, from a statistical point of view, that's kind of inevitable. If quality is normally distributed, then 70% will be 'average', 15% poor to terrible and 15% good to fantastic. If you assume that people's expectations will develop so that most media is judged relative to the average, then it will be the case no matter how good things actually are.
 

Elyxard

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Everything I hear about these sequels tells me that there is absolutely no good reason for them to be tied to the FFXIII universe. If anything, that connection is the chain around their necks.
 

IceForce

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Ryan Hughes said:
Wait, so Chocorodeo, the person literally threatening the lives of about a dozen people on this thread, only got a 3-day suspension? Escapist, ban that person permanently. I do not take kindly to that type of behavior, and it should not be remotely tolerated by the moderators.
I was going to say exactly this.

It's amazing how much people are allowed to get away with here, and still be allowed to come back again.
 

Krantos

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Ryan Hughes said:
Poor Yahtzee, why does he do this to himself? I mean, I realize it is his job to play games, but honestly, he can take things easy on himself once in awhile and not go out of his way to find bad games to review. . . Though if reviews for Thief are any indication, this trend may continue for some time to come.
To be honest, I'm rather curious to see if he likes Thief. Yes, it's getting bashed by reviews, but I really can't fathom why.

I've put 10 hours into it so far and think it's the best recent stealth game we've seen. My only conclusion thus far, is that it's a little too niche. It doesn't really support the other play-styles that games like Dishonored and Splinter Cell have. Combat is very stacked against you. If you don't stick to the shadows and pay attention to the environment enemies spot you pretty quick. And you'll be hard pressed to keep using the best items if you don't take the time to swipe everything you see. It also requires a LOT of patience.

Maybe that's the problem. It's like they changed too much for hardcore Thief fans, but didn't make it accessible enough for people used to more action oriented stealth games.

For me, though, it has climbed to the #2 spot on my list of favorite stealth games (Chaos Theory still holds #1). It's got great atmosphere, solid mechanics, good pacing, and a surprising number of great little touches.

The little touches have me especially pleased. They did a lot of little things to make the stealth more engaging. Enemies hear it if you fail picking a lock. Walking over broken glass or in water make your steps louder. If you knock over or step on a vase or glass it will shatter, not only causing noise but also leaving debris on the floor that will crack if you step on it. If you leave a door, safe or chest open it will cause guards who see it to become suspicious. Lots and lots of really nice touches.
 

shtoops

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He already did underpants modelling in the Little Big Planet review. It was fucking weird. And then after the credits, it turned demonic.
 

The Grim Ace

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The story of this game, at least as Yahtzee speaks of it, is such a compelling train wreck -- like the gaming version of The Room -- that I was briefly compelled to go and get this game. Then he mentioned the gameplay and the combat which reminded me of why I stopped playing Final Fantasy games after VI. Oh well, that's money saved.