Time to dive into the punishing world of Dark Souls. I'm excited! Finger hovers nervously over the play button on my Steam. Am I sure I want to do this? I am. Let's do it!
"The Dark Souls Executable Has Stopped Working".
Hmmm. Let's try it again.
"The Dark Souls Executable Has Stopped Working".
Okay, let's verify the cache. Aha! A file was missing! Let's try again.
"The Dark Souls Executable Has Stopped Working".
Maybe it's GFWL. I re-download, and reinstall GFWL.
"The Dark Souls Executable Has Stopped Working".
I google the problem and try numerous listed solutions.
"The Dark Souls Executable Has Stopped Working".
"The Dark Souls Executable Has Stopped Working".
"The Dark Souls Executable Has Stopped Working".
In the end, it turned out DSFix was the culprit, despite the fact I had none of the suspected settings on. I reinstalled DSFix and finally got into the game.
Cool cutscene. Little grainy.
I'm in the game! And it's playing in a tiny corner of my display! Turns out this was an issue with in-game AA being enabled. I fix it right quick.
I bumble out into the corridor. The game looks muddy and grainy. A zombie is standing around. I thrash it good, with wild punches. Also, I punch the wall. Take that, Dark Souls!
I eventually emerge into a courtyard with a nice fire pit. The graphics are awful. Something is clearly awry. I log out of the game and tinker with some settings in DSFix. I log back in, and check the graphics settings. Whoops, I'm on 16 bit. The game looks much better now. Onwards!
I find some zombies. These ones fight back, but they just wallop my shield with feeble blows, and are easily dispatched. Easiest game ever! I'm a Knight, by the way. I picked a female, because I prefer female characters for aesthetic reasons. This one is all withered up like a mummy. But a sexy mummy. Ostensibly, anyway. She's wearing a lot of armor.
A big rock falls on me, yet amazingly does not kill me. It does make a hole in the wall. There's a Knight in there. I want to take his gear, but instead I'm meant to talk to him. I do. He gives me some pots, and tells me to leave. You're dying! Give me your geeeear.
More zombies, easily dispatched. This game is so easy!
Another zombie. This one has a shield. I swing violently at the air! Whiff whiff whiff! I accidentally do a roll, then I do two more rolls for good measure, rolling around his feet, and then rolling into the wall. The zombie looks at me curiously and jams his sword into my back. Dead.
Alright then, controls are a little odd. I'm at the fire pit again. Onwards!
All the zombies are back. I dispatch them with style and verve. I get back to my friend Ser Shield, and this time I keep my impotent rolling to a minimum. Down he goes. I try to take his gear. Nothing doing.
There's nothing else in here, but there was some white light outside. Into the light!
Ooh, this is bad. There's a big demon. I stare at him. He stares at me. For a moment, I feel a connection to this demon. A kinship.
Annnd then he knocks out my platform. I fall, I'm stunned. He wallops me with a great big hammer. I'm dead.
Back at the firepit then. Onwards. Oh, I see all the zombies are back. I slap them aside like gnats. Back at the demon. This time, I jump down. I'm stunned. He wallops me a with a great big hammer. I'm dead.
And again.
And again.
I try circling the demon, to no avail. The pad I'm using is making me use the d-pad for movement, and it's almost impossible not to fat finger it and jitter around aimlessly. Besides which, he takes up 90% of the screen and it seems nigh impossible to get out of range of his hammer. I log off to reset my controls.
And I try, and I try, and I try, but I just cannot map the controls properly. X360ce is vaguely impenetrable. I move the left stick, and it cheerfully tells me I am accessing the d-pad. Fucking....fuck...
I mess with my controller, changing modes, re-downloading drivers. After a few mode switches, I finally get x360ce to recognize the stick as a stick. In I go!
It worked! I'm moving with the stick! It's 100 times better, although still plonky. Take that zombie! Take that, wall! Hello, firepit! A huge improvement. I jump down to face the demon, brimming with confidence. Hit Y to assume a two handed grip! No, Y is suddenly A. Right stick to lock on! No, that opens a gestures menu. What the...what the fuck!? I'm dead. I manage to point at him before I go down, like Babe Ruth calling his shot.
Log out. More tinkering, more button mapping. Come back in.
Everything is proper now. I kill more zombies (yawn) and progress to the demon. He kills me.
And he kills me, and he kills me.
I log out, set FOV even higher. Log back in. Now I can at least see him. Do a drop attack, the game helpfully suggests. I push the necessary buttons. Nothing happens. I die.
Eventually I kill him with some wonky circle strafing, repeatedly ramming myself into his butt while wildly swinging. I don't feel like much of a winner, but at least I'm done with this guy. He has a key.
I eventually find myself in a new area, with a new firepit. There's a bad actor by the fire. Hahahahaha! He says, dreadfully. I groan. He tells me I have two places I can visit. The undead have been pushovers so far, so I pick undead.
Whoops, all my button mapping has somehow reset itself. The stick is no longer a stick. I log out, and in, and out, and in, trying to fix it. It takes 45 minutes. I'm super fucking annoyed.
Skeletons, on a mountain path! I charge one, and jitter right off the cliff. I charge the one up top on the next try, off the cliff. Alrighty then. Third time I take it slow and careful. When the guy beside the cliff won't advance on me, I throw a firepot at him. Enjoy your cliff, asshole.
I progress slowly. Skeletons and rats alike fall before my methodical progress. There are parts where it looks like I can easily jump to things. I cannot. I roll feebly into the crenellations. I really love rolling, it seems. I come across a hint. Try rolling! It says. Fuck you, game.
I come across a Firepit. Firepits reset all enemies, it tells me. Well, I don't want that! I proceed.
I come across a musty chamber. There is a warning on the floor. Beware left, it says. I look left. Some kind of storeroom! Must be a trap. I proceed, heedless of the warning, and begin smashing everything in sight. Nothing. There's a chest. Must be a trap! I open it. Nothing. Beware left indeed. I proceed through the archway, and get immediately ganked by a skeleton from the left. Fortunately, he's no match for my wild, aimless swings. Take that skeleton! Take that, floor!
I find my way to a group of foes who are hurling fire at me. I try to bait them out, but they're quite content to just stand in a little bunch and hurl fire at me. I think about using my own firepots, but I've only 5, and no doubt I will need them for some stupid ice monster later on. There's nothing to do but charge. I can take these guys.
I swing wildly at the air, then roll right off the platform into a terrifying gulch. Dead.
And I'm back at the original firepit, with Lord Bad Actor. Haahahahaha! He says. I log off.
Initial impressions:
1. It's not a bad game. Good atmosphere. Combat with minions is fun.
2. Getting it actually functioning is a fucking nightmare.
3. The controls are awful, even with a gamepad. I'm used to precision movement with a mouse. I can appreciate why that isn't possible here due to the way armor affects your turning speed, but I can do nothing but stare blankly in astonishment at the people who refer to these controls as "smooth". I feel like it's me vs the interface as opposed to me vs the environment.
4. I do hate checkpoint saving. It doesn't help that I'm rubbish, so I get to see the same tedious shit over and over and over.
I'm still alright with it, but I seriously need to get over the hump with these controls. The game is a chore to play right now. That's not unusual for new control schemes, there's always a period of adjustment, but this is particularly bad. We'll see how session 2 goes.
"The Dark Souls Executable Has Stopped Working".
Hmmm. Let's try it again.
"The Dark Souls Executable Has Stopped Working".
Okay, let's verify the cache. Aha! A file was missing! Let's try again.
"The Dark Souls Executable Has Stopped Working".
Maybe it's GFWL. I re-download, and reinstall GFWL.
"The Dark Souls Executable Has Stopped Working".
I google the problem and try numerous listed solutions.
"The Dark Souls Executable Has Stopped Working".
"The Dark Souls Executable Has Stopped Working".
"The Dark Souls Executable Has Stopped Working".
In the end, it turned out DSFix was the culprit, despite the fact I had none of the suspected settings on. I reinstalled DSFix and finally got into the game.
Cool cutscene. Little grainy.
I'm in the game! And it's playing in a tiny corner of my display! Turns out this was an issue with in-game AA being enabled. I fix it right quick.
I bumble out into the corridor. The game looks muddy and grainy. A zombie is standing around. I thrash it good, with wild punches. Also, I punch the wall. Take that, Dark Souls!
I eventually emerge into a courtyard with a nice fire pit. The graphics are awful. Something is clearly awry. I log out of the game and tinker with some settings in DSFix. I log back in, and check the graphics settings. Whoops, I'm on 16 bit. The game looks much better now. Onwards!
I find some zombies. These ones fight back, but they just wallop my shield with feeble blows, and are easily dispatched. Easiest game ever! I'm a Knight, by the way. I picked a female, because I prefer female characters for aesthetic reasons. This one is all withered up like a mummy. But a sexy mummy. Ostensibly, anyway. She's wearing a lot of armor.
A big rock falls on me, yet amazingly does not kill me. It does make a hole in the wall. There's a Knight in there. I want to take his gear, but instead I'm meant to talk to him. I do. He gives me some pots, and tells me to leave. You're dying! Give me your geeeear.
More zombies, easily dispatched. This game is so easy!
Another zombie. This one has a shield. I swing violently at the air! Whiff whiff whiff! I accidentally do a roll, then I do two more rolls for good measure, rolling around his feet, and then rolling into the wall. The zombie looks at me curiously and jams his sword into my back. Dead.
Alright then, controls are a little odd. I'm at the fire pit again. Onwards!
All the zombies are back. I dispatch them with style and verve. I get back to my friend Ser Shield, and this time I keep my impotent rolling to a minimum. Down he goes. I try to take his gear. Nothing doing.
There's nothing else in here, but there was some white light outside. Into the light!
Ooh, this is bad. There's a big demon. I stare at him. He stares at me. For a moment, I feel a connection to this demon. A kinship.
Annnd then he knocks out my platform. I fall, I'm stunned. He wallops me with a great big hammer. I'm dead.
Back at the firepit then. Onwards. Oh, I see all the zombies are back. I slap them aside like gnats. Back at the demon. This time, I jump down. I'm stunned. He wallops me a with a great big hammer. I'm dead.
And again.
And again.
I try circling the demon, to no avail. The pad I'm using is making me use the d-pad for movement, and it's almost impossible not to fat finger it and jitter around aimlessly. Besides which, he takes up 90% of the screen and it seems nigh impossible to get out of range of his hammer. I log off to reset my controls.
And I try, and I try, and I try, but I just cannot map the controls properly. X360ce is vaguely impenetrable. I move the left stick, and it cheerfully tells me I am accessing the d-pad. Fucking....fuck...
I mess with my controller, changing modes, re-downloading drivers. After a few mode switches, I finally get x360ce to recognize the stick as a stick. In I go!
It worked! I'm moving with the stick! It's 100 times better, although still plonky. Take that zombie! Take that, wall! Hello, firepit! A huge improvement. I jump down to face the demon, brimming with confidence. Hit Y to assume a two handed grip! No, Y is suddenly A. Right stick to lock on! No, that opens a gestures menu. What the...what the fuck!? I'm dead. I manage to point at him before I go down, like Babe Ruth calling his shot.
Log out. More tinkering, more button mapping. Come back in.
Everything is proper now. I kill more zombies (yawn) and progress to the demon. He kills me.
And he kills me, and he kills me.
I log out, set FOV even higher. Log back in. Now I can at least see him. Do a drop attack, the game helpfully suggests. I push the necessary buttons. Nothing happens. I die.
Eventually I kill him with some wonky circle strafing, repeatedly ramming myself into his butt while wildly swinging. I don't feel like much of a winner, but at least I'm done with this guy. He has a key.
I eventually find myself in a new area, with a new firepit. There's a bad actor by the fire. Hahahahaha! He says, dreadfully. I groan. He tells me I have two places I can visit. The undead have been pushovers so far, so I pick undead.
Whoops, all my button mapping has somehow reset itself. The stick is no longer a stick. I log out, and in, and out, and in, trying to fix it. It takes 45 minutes. I'm super fucking annoyed.
Skeletons, on a mountain path! I charge one, and jitter right off the cliff. I charge the one up top on the next try, off the cliff. Alrighty then. Third time I take it slow and careful. When the guy beside the cliff won't advance on me, I throw a firepot at him. Enjoy your cliff, asshole.
I progress slowly. Skeletons and rats alike fall before my methodical progress. There are parts where it looks like I can easily jump to things. I cannot. I roll feebly into the crenellations. I really love rolling, it seems. I come across a hint. Try rolling! It says. Fuck you, game.
I come across a Firepit. Firepits reset all enemies, it tells me. Well, I don't want that! I proceed.
I come across a musty chamber. There is a warning on the floor. Beware left, it says. I look left. Some kind of storeroom! Must be a trap. I proceed, heedless of the warning, and begin smashing everything in sight. Nothing. There's a chest. Must be a trap! I open it. Nothing. Beware left indeed. I proceed through the archway, and get immediately ganked by a skeleton from the left. Fortunately, he's no match for my wild, aimless swings. Take that skeleton! Take that, floor!
I find my way to a group of foes who are hurling fire at me. I try to bait them out, but they're quite content to just stand in a little bunch and hurl fire at me. I think about using my own firepots, but I've only 5, and no doubt I will need them for some stupid ice monster later on. There's nothing to do but charge. I can take these guys.
I swing wildly at the air, then roll right off the platform into a terrifying gulch. Dead.
And I'm back at the original firepit, with Lord Bad Actor. Haahahahaha! He says. I log off.
Initial impressions:
1. It's not a bad game. Good atmosphere. Combat with minions is fun.
2. Getting it actually functioning is a fucking nightmare.
3. The controls are awful, even with a gamepad. I'm used to precision movement with a mouse. I can appreciate why that isn't possible here due to the way armor affects your turning speed, but I can do nothing but stare blankly in astonishment at the people who refer to these controls as "smooth". I feel like it's me vs the interface as opposed to me vs the environment.
4. I do hate checkpoint saving. It doesn't help that I'm rubbish, so I get to see the same tedious shit over and over and over.
I'm still alright with it, but I seriously need to get over the hump with these controls. The game is a chore to play right now. That's not unusual for new control schemes, there's always a period of adjustment, but this is particularly bad. We'll see how session 2 goes.
.
