A Girl Whom I Love, But Really Shouldn't

[SwagLordYoloson]

So there's this girl (that's how all these stories start... Or 'so there's this guy' let it never be said that I am sexist) anyway, this girl has been one of my best friends for years now, but lately I've found that I am beginning to like her as more then a friend. And you can hardly blame me, this girl is thoroughly beautiful from the inside out. She's had guys dying at her feet for years, but despite all the attention she gets, she's always found time to hang out with me, and loves spending time with me (Hell most people think we're together when they first see us, and when I clarify that we are merely friends, most people instead think I'm gay)

But here's the catch the huge 100 foot monstrously inconvenient catch, both me and her agreed to always only be friends a long time ago (This was before I developed strong affections for her). There will never be a relationship between us. But unfortunately this girl is totally oblivious to my hidden feelings for her and wants to go with me to my formal and travel with me and the like, without realising that I'm being tortured with how close she is yet how far she is.

As I've stated earlier she's always been chased by dozens of guys, and I think she sees me as a refreshing person to be around because I expect nothing of her, and I feel that any attempt to get intimate with her (apart from ending in colossal failure) would be a betrayal to her, and I'd just become another of those guys who has a thing for her.

So Escapist Community my questions to you is not "how do i get into the pants of this sexy girl" my question to you is how do I kick these feelings in the head, move on with my life and not jeopordise my friendship with this girl.

Oh and i need to buy her a birthday present... Any suggestions???

 

[shreedder]

Well I would suggust talking to her about it.
Saying something like-
"I don't want to ruin our amazing freindship, but I have started having feelings towards you. I am fine with just being friends, but I would appriciate a small break between us so I can get my affairs in order."

obviously you would change the words around to best suit you. If you are as good of friends as you say you are she will probably understand.

also best of luck to you

-edit- I would say something small for a gift. If you plan to be open with her any time soon the large gift may seem like something much more.

 

[joe the janitor]

You can't If your best friends and you like her... Well, there is only one thing you can do. Tell her. I take that back actually. You can hide your feeling, lose her, and regret it for the rest of your life (maybe not life, but it will sill suck). Your choice champ (Birthday.... Hmm, does she like video games lol)

 

[SwagLordYoloson]

You can't If your best friends and you like her... Well, there is only one thing you can do. Tell her. I take that back actually. You can hide your feeling, lose her, and regret it for the rest of your life (maybe not life, but it will sill suck). Your choice champ (Birthday.... Hmm, does she like video games lol)

Arrrrrrrrg but if I tell her then there will always be that awkward 'thing' between us no matter how much time has passed...

And no she's more a movie snob

 

[SeriousSquirrel]

Spoilers ahead...



If that's how you feel, then keeping it pent up could really hurt. You need to decide which is more important: Your friendship, or your feelings for her. If she's a good friend, even if she isn't interested, she wouldn't let it damage your friendship.

However it is quite a burden to unload, so who knows. Your in a high risk high reward situation here. Whatever you do, be ready for the worst possible outcome. As well as the best possible outcomes.

 

[khiliani]

If that's how you feel, then keeping it pent up could really hurt. You need to decide which is more important: Your friendship, or your feelings for her. If she's a good friend, even if she isn't interested, she wouldn't let it damage your friendship.

However it is quite a burden to unload, so who knows. Your in a high risk high reward situation here. Whatever you do, be ready for the worst possible outcome. As well as the best possible outcomes.

ditto. but if you made your decision to only be friends a while ago, then things may have changed for her too. but you may also be stuck in ?friend space? in her mind, the only way you will find out is by talking about it. and sometimes it can pay off, before me and my girlfriend started going out we were quite close friends, and asking her out was terrifying, cause i was so afraid it would break things, but in life, you need to take risks.

 

[LebbyLegs]

Also remember tho man, that Life ain't a movie. Girls don't instantly go gaga over your coz your a goofy but ultimately endearing chap who expresses his feelings.
You really really gotta consider how awkward it could all turn out

 

[ConnorTheRed]

I'm terrible with relationships, but for a birthday present, get her a photo frame with a photo of her and all her friends. Guaranteed to be affordable, but shows you care more about memories than possessions.

 

[LebbyLegs]

Oh yeah present man... Erm... you said she likes movies? Maybe get her a really sweet one or something?

 

[Lexxi64]

*sigh* Your post reminded me greatly of the situation I'm in. It's just like yours, except I'm the female and he's the male.
I'm not sure if I can give good advice, but I think maybe you should explain your feelings to her, but in a way that makes her not know you're talking about you liking her, you see? Unless you go ahead and tell her, see what she says, and go on from there. You've got to make sure you realise, when a girl wants to "just be friends", it's because they want the friendship to be kept free from boyfriend/girlfriend stuff; when you're just friends, you feel alot closer, if that makes sense.
If you two do get together, situations might arise that force you two not to even be friends. The person I love only wants us to be friends, because our relationship is "pure", as he so politely puts it. Maybe that's what she thinks aswell? I've no idea...

Do what you think is best. Do you want to tell her? It depends on the person, but most people wouldn't mind if you confessed to your feelings. They'd be happy you were being truthful.
Good luck. Also: gift-wise, maybe get something that means alot to her, or reminds her of a memory you and her have shared.

 

[weedalin]

If that's how you feel, then keeping it pent up could really hurt. You need to decide which is more important: Your friendship, or your feelings for her. If she's a good friend, even if she isn't interested, she wouldn't let it damage your friendship.

However it is quite a burden to unload, so who knows. Your in a high risk high reward situation here. Whatever you do, be ready for the worst possible outcome. As well as the best possible outcomes.

ditto. but if you made your decision to only be friends a while ago, then things may have changed for her too. but you may also be stuck in ?friend space? in her mind, the only way you will find out is by talking about it. and sometimes it can pay off, before me and my girlfriend started going out we were quite close friends, and asking her out was terrifying, cause i was so afraid it would break things, but in life, you need to take risks.

I think another important thing to remember is to react positively. Even if things go wrong. If she responds negatively, don't beat yourself up about it.

I think you also need to be prepared for the ever-neutral "I need to think about it" reaction. Keep that in mind too.

You could choose not to do anything, but I believe that there are subtle risks to this as well. If you don't do anything, at least confide in someone, so your hidden feelings don't accidentally come out at the wrong moment.

As for the gift . . . I definitely agree that one with sentimental value as opposed to monetary value is best. You could make something yourself? Make an article of clothing, cook something, show off artistic talent?

 

[WingedIncubus]

Spoilers ahead...



If that's how you feel, then keeping it pent up could really hurt. You need to decide which is more important: Your friendship, or your feelings for her. If she's a good friend, even if she isn't interested, she wouldn't let it damage your friendship.

However it is quite a burden to unload, so who knows. Your in a high risk high reward situation here. Whatever you do, be ready for the worst possible outcome. As well as the best possible outcomes.

I predict the worst outcome. If there was betting in Vegas I'd be filthy rich by now, it's not even funny.

While I love Chasing Amy as a movie, making a love diatribe-speech like that will only push her away, even if she does have feeling for you. You basically put her in a binder between taking you and the outpouring of feelings, or not and carry the risk of losing you or even worst if you get angry, with no grey area in betweené Besides, it reeks of neediness anyway. That's chump-fantasy, it never works unless the girl's already wooed in the first place.

Whatever you do, do not make a speech, do not pour your heart out and do not tell her "I love you" so soon. Unless she is already madly in love with you, it will fail. I'd simply ask her out and focus on getting closer to her, touching her more, making subtle hints like "wow, I didn't see that side of you before" or "man I love when you [something that you do like seeing her do when she laughs or a tic of hers], it's so sexy!" and see what her reaction is.

It'll let her subtly know that you see her in a different light, and if she isn't interested she will make it clear to you without putting her in an all-or-nothing situation. Don't be naive, though, she will pick on it. However it's made with subtlely instead, and it allows a lot of grey zone for her to reexamine her relationship to you if she has the inclination, or even perhaps make her see you in another way altogether. If it happens and it does play with her emotions, she'll enter into your dance quickly.

 

[WingedIncubus]

But here's the catch the huge 100 foot monstrously inconvenient catch, both me and her agreed to always only be friends a long time ago (This was before I developed strong affections for her). There will never be a relationship between us. But unfortunately this girl is totally oblivious to my hidden feelings for her and wants to go with me to my formal and travel with me and the like, without realising that I'm being tortured with how close she is yet how far she is.

As I've stated earlier she's always been chased by dozens of guys, and I think she sees me as a refreshing person to be around because I expect nothing of her, and I feel that any attempt to get intimate with her (apart from ending in colossal failure) would be a betrayal to her, and I'd just become another of those guys who has a thing for her.

Bravo, you are starting to understand the dynamic at play here. She sees you as a guy friend. You are not refreshing, you are inoffensive and non-threatening. Hard, I know, but I call a cat a cat. You are NOT among her love plans. She isn't oblivious, she isn't digging you.

I think you have figured the answer yourself. First you have next to no chance, plus you are already caught in her cobweb of friendship and severing it by trying to change the relationship will be perceived as a betrayal to her because she is at risk of losing her pawn friend and all she has invested. Plus a man who suddenly become sexualized is threatening and stressful to women, she doesn't know how you will react if she rejects you (women are VERY scared of what a pissed off man can do in a fit of rage), and she will probably not be able to cope with the whole situation.

Since you are seeing the matrix, contrarily than 99% of guy friends who in love and willfully blinded by their feelings for "the girl" they creeped into friendship status with so to get close to her, I'll help you out here. I'll throw you a bone so that you can muse on it. Take it as the birthday gift.

Yes, you need to reevaluate your friendship, but in another direction. Girls make great friends, and having a lot of girl friends around you does mark you as more attractive, social, and outgoing. They are great at giving support in case of need, plus they make great helpers in seducing other girls, if played right and if the relationship is genuine. If you really like her presence and you feel it is a genuine friendship, then suck up the loss and move on to another girl, and keep her as friend. Even better, coop her in helping you find another girl and seduce her, if she is a genuine friend, she'll help you out (by changing your wardrobe, grooming you, spot girls who check you out, put out a good word for you, play the seductress to have other girls preselect you, etc.). And make it very clear that you expect her to help you out as a real loyal friend, no c-ckblocking or jealousy issues, otherwise it's bye-bye for her.

If you can go without her, though, and the temptation to tell her is too strong, then fire away and attempt it. I warn you though, it fails 99% of the time, but failure is good if you get a lesson from it. So if it does fail, the absolutely worst thing you can do is meekly accept and return to "friendship" status. It will mark you as spineless, other girls will pick on that (girls talk, a lot), and you will lose all value in her eye. Instead, if she refuses, man up, assume that your relationship is irremediably screwed, and say "that's cool, but I like you and it won't change as just you being beside me is torture. So I think we can't be friends anymore, good luck", and physically move away from her. She'll respect you more that way because you show you have the balls to assume your desires despite the risk, terminate the relationship on your own to spare any more suffering, and move on with your life.

 

[joe the janitor]

You can't If your best friends and you like her... Well, there is only one thing you can do. Tell her. I take that back actually. You can hide your feeling, lose her, and regret it for the rest of your life (maybe not life, but it will sill suck). Your choice champ (Birthday.... Hmm, does she like video games lol)

Arrrrrrrrg but if I tell her then there will always be that awkward 'thing' between us no matter how much time has passed...

And no she's more a movie snob

Sorda off topic but... How old are you? If you are in your late teens or older, I think you should ask her out.

Movie snob eh? The girl I like loves Harry Potter, Lord of the Rings, and Black Swan.

 

[SwagLordYoloson]

You can't If your best friends and you like her... Well, there is only one thing you can do. Tell her. I take that back actually. You can hide your feeling, lose her, and regret it for the rest of your life (maybe not life, but it will sill suck). Your choice champ (Birthday.... Hmm, does she like video games lol)

Arrrrrrrrg but if I tell her then there will always be that awkward 'thing' between us no matter how much time has passed...

And no she's more a movie snob

Sorda off topic but... How old are you? If you are in your late teens or older, I think you should ask her out.

Movie snob eh? The girl I like loves Harry Potter, Lord of the Rings, and Black Swan.

I am in my last year of secondary schooling, the first day of year 12 is next week.. its also my 17th birthday?

 

[SwagLordYoloson]

You can't If your best friends and you like her... Well, there is only one thing you can do. Tell her. I take that back actually. You can hide your feeling, lose her, and regret it for the rest of your life (maybe not life, but it will sill suck). Your choice champ (Birthday.... Hmm, does she like video games lol)

Arrrrrrrrg but if I tell her then there will always be that awkward 'thing' between us no matter how much time has passed...

And no she's more a movie snob

Sorda off topic but... How old are you? If you are in your late teens or older, I think you should ask her out.

Movie snob eh? The girl I like loves Harry Potter, Lord of the Rings, and Black Swan.

I am in my last year of secondary schooling, the first day of year 12 is next week.. its also my 17th birthday?

Happy Birthday!

In addition to my other post, has she shown -any- signs that she might like you more then friends?

Well we always flirt a little when we hang out. And she laughs at my sometimes lame jokes.. There is a possibility that the flirting might just be her 'joking around' as she had once said when I asked if we were flirting..

 

[zombiesinc]

As I've stated earlier she's always been chased by dozens of guys, and I think she sees me as a refreshing person to be around because I expect nothing of her, and I feel that any attempt to get intimate with her (apart from ending in colossal failure) would be a betrayal to her, and I'd just become another of those guys who has a thing for her.

So Escapist Community my questions to you is not "how do i get into the pants of this sexy girl" my question to you is how do I kick these feelings in the head, move on with my life and not jeopordise my friendship with this girl.

Oh and i need to buy her a birthday present... Any suggestions???

You're not betraying her because you've developed feelings towards her. I suggest letting her know how you feel, but also mention that you understand that the two of you agreed to remain friends. If you two truly are as close as you say, she should be able to handle this news, and not push you away as a result. She may feel the same way, which would be great. If not, then at least you were honest, as that's one of the most important aspects of a close relationship. If she pushes you away, remember that it may only be an initial reaction, not a permanent one.

Ultimately, I feel being honest about your feelings is the best option. Not only will it allow you to feel more comfortable around her (hiding such things will only 'cause you stress and worry), but may have the positive results you're hoping for. If not, unfortunately, that's life. Also, letting her know will allow you to start moving on, if she doesn't feel the same way. If you don't tell her you may end up regretting it for quite some time.

 

[rutger5000]

So there's this girl (that's how all these stories start... Or 'so there's this guy' let it never be said that I am sexist) anyway, this girl has been one of my best friends for years now, but lately I've found that I am beginning to like her as more then a friend. And you can hardly blame me, this girl is thoroughly beautiful from the inside out. She's had guys dying at her feet for years, but despite all the attention she gets, she's always found time to hang out with me, and loves spending time with me (Hell most people think we're together when they first see us, and when I clarify that we are merely friends, most people instead think I'm gay)

But here's the catch the huge 100 foot monstrously inconvenient catch, both me and her agreed to always only be friends a long time ago (This was before I developed strong affections for her). There will never be a relationship between us. But unfortunately this girl is totally oblivious to my hidden feelings for her and wants to go with me to my formal and travel with me and the like, without realising that I'm being tortured with how close she is yet how far she is.

As I've stated earlier she's always been chased by dozens of guys, and I think she sees me as a refreshing person to be around because I expect nothing of her, and I feel that any attempt to get intimate with her (apart from ending in colossal failure) would be a betrayal to her, and I'd just become another of those guys who has a thing for her.

So Escapist Community my questions to you is not "how do i get into the pants of this sexy girl" my question to you is how do I kick these feelings in the head, move on with my life and not jeopordise my friendship with this girl.

Oh and i need to buy her a birthday present... Any suggestions???

Owh wow this one is difficult. I was going with the standard just be honest/confident/trust her approach, but yeah I can see this being a problem. I think the girl really does sees you as a very close friend. And indeed going after her might seem as a betrayal to your friendship. So I would not go for it. Easiest solution is to get another girl I guess. That should work to forget about the other one. This also could help getting some distance between the two of you, which really sound like a good thing for the two of you. She mentioned traveling together, but I don't see how you could do that in this state.

I fear that if these feelings stick, then you have to be honest about them. You could even apologize for them, but eventually you're going to have to explain why you can't go on a trip with her.

P.S. If you want advice on things like that you'll need to give us more info. Give her something concerning a hobby of hers. for example if she likes to draw give her some HQ drawing supplies.