A problem with my girlfriend. Need help guys :\

[default]

My girlfriend is a confident, gorgeous girl. But she's had a troubled life, particularly with her family and a lot of traumatic shit going on there including murders and sexual abuse.

We've known each other for about ten months and were going non-official for a while for our own reasons, but for three months now we have been official.

The thing is, I can never see her. Her mother is pretty much insane with anxiety and is on medication. She is not allowed to be seeing any guys, not allowed out on weekends or even to have Facebook (she does anyway). Her mother is fucking insane.

As a result, I can't call her, visit her, be there for her when she needs me or when I need her. I'm going through some pretty severe depression (attempted suicide four, nearly five times, over 30 cutting scars and multiple dangerous habits I'm trying to quit) and I am incredibly lonely. I'm unemployed, I'm not at school at the moment and I'm stuck all alone looking for work.

I can see my girlfriend for about ten minutes a week. This is in the tiny window of her getting out of school and getting on the bus. Sometimes I'll catch the bus with her and ride it for about five minutes into town.

I'm so lonely. I'm extremely depressed, sexually frustrated and chronically unhappy. My girlfriend feels that she can't do anything to go against her mother because she is unwell. I've never met the damn woman, but I'm harbouring an intense hatred purely for the fact that she is preventing me from being with the only thing that makes me happy, and some of the shit she did to my girlfriend over the years.

Hopefully it will get better soon as she goes to college next year (we live in Australia), but my girlfriend is unsure. I don't know how long I can take this Escapists. I basically broke down to her a few days ago saying I needed her and to be able to see her, but nothing changed. She's too scared of her mother and her mother's partner. I'm going fucking insane, and I have nothing to make me feel any better except for her. I'm desperately looking for work to fill the gap with at least something, but my only job I had months ago for only four weeks was shit terrible with awful below-minimum-wage pay, and there is nothing else on this tiny island I live on.


I don't know what to do. I have nothing except for her. I'm on the point of breakdown constantly. I feel so helpless.



One other thing that's bothering me. My girlfriend has a lot of trouble with eye contact. As she's walking up to me to hug me she looks at my chest instead. As she's sitting next to me and we're talking she stares straight ahead. I gently took her by the chin and asked her to look at me yesterday before I kissed her. She met my eyes for a split second before they darted away. It's depressing and I'm worried for her, and I hope it's not long term. I want her to look at me. I'm thinking it may have something to do with her family life and a learned instinct to avoid eye contact, but I don't know...

Please help.

 

[Christopher Burdohan]

honestly I could spend hours trying to figure out things to sugest I've defently been hrew bits and peices of your story my self. as Much as I hte my current job fo its various reason it DID get me together the military is always a good option. and I've met penty of aussie sailors there a hoot in a half to hang out with just a sugestion.

 

[JimB]

I'm going through some pretty severe depression (attempted suicide four, nearly five times, over 30 cutting scars and multiple dangerous habits I'm trying to quit) and I am incredibly lonely. I'm unemployed, I'm not at school at the moment and I'm stuck all alone looking for work. I don't know what to do. I have nothing except for her. I'm on the point of breakdown constantly. I feel so helpless.

These are problems for you and a licensed medical professional to fix, not your girlfriend. Staking your happiness and life on your relationship is extremely unfair to her, because you're essentially saying that if she fails to make you happy enough, you'll kill yourself. You're holding yourself hostage.

One other thing that's bothering me. My girlfriend has a lot of trouble with eye contact.

I can't think of anything to say here because I just don't get why you would even care about this. If she feels more comfortable not looking you in the eye, so what? Let her be comfortable.

I want her to look at me.

I really hope you mean this less narcissistically than it sounds.

I'm thinking it may have something to do with her family life and a learned instinct to avoid eye contact, but I don't know...

No, human beings tend to avoid eye contact as a general rule because we interpret it as a sign of aggression, and it actually takes a goodly amount of conditioning to overcome that instinct.

 

[Angie7F]

I think you are making the situation worse for you and your girlfriend.

She need someone that can support her, not brreakdown and tell her that you want to see her.
All the troubles you and your girlfriend have are things that should be dealt with by a professional.

I think if you both want to make the situation better,you both need to seek professional help.

As for you gf though, I think the only way to save herself is to move out,

 

[default]

Well I clearly didn't write this out properly if that's the impression you're getting. Fuck it, not worth it.

 

[Galletea]

snip

I think the main thing here is that nothing is going to change unless your girlfriend changes it.
You mentioned that some pretty horrible stuff has happened and her mother has obviously never gotten over it, and while I know this must be incredibly frustrating for you, you will have to be patient. Talk to your girlfriend, and see if she can arrange a brief meeting where her mother will have no doubts at all that she will be safe. It could be a local coffee shop, for an hour, for instance, and you would have to stick to whatever time scale it is. You are going to have to convince her mother to trust you, and the only way you are going to do that is with a gently-gently approach. Making sure that you abide by strict rules for the first few weeks at least, gradually getting more freedom. Also it might be worth telling your girlfriend exactly how you are feeling, obviously try not to insult her mother, but let her know that you can not carry on as you are, and something has got to give.

I'm afraid that it really is all down to your girlfriend. She is going to have to speak with her mother. While I appreciate that she must be petrified of anything happening, this is something that your girlfriend is going to have to talk to her about eventually. If she refuses to do it now then it will only become harder as time goes on, and this is also maintaining her mother's level of anxiety and over-protectiveness.

 

[Evil Smurf]

how did you meet this chick?

 

[manic_depressive13]

-snip-

Hate to be judgmental, but if she cared about you she would make more time for you than ten minutes a week. There are a million good lies she could come up with to excuse at least several hours. You're claiming that she's afraid of her mother, but she still doesn't want to disobey her because her mother is mentally ill. So she'd choose her mother, who treats her horribly, over you? Maybe I'm an asshole, but I've never understood those people who love their parents even though they know they are being mistreated by them. That's beyond insane. That's just stupid.

Ten months isn't a very long time. Go find someone who actually cares about you.

Edit: Oh, and if you need someone to talk to, I don't have a life outside the internet so feel free to PM me.

 

[default]

snip

I think the main thing here is that nothing is going to change unless your girlfriend changes it.
You mentioned that some pretty horrible stuff has happened and her mother has obviously never gotten over it, and while I know this must be incredibly frustrating for you, you will have to be patient. Talk to your girlfriend, and see if she can arrange a brief meeting where her mother will have no doubts at all that she will be safe. It could be a local coffee shop, for an hour, for instance, and you would have to stick to whatever time scale it is. You are going to have to convince her mother to trust you, and the only way you are going to do that is with a gently-gently approach. Making sure that you abide by strict rules for the first few weeks at least, gradually getting more freedom. Also it might be worth telling your girlfriend exactly how you are feeling, obviously try not to insult her mother, but let her know that you can not carry on as you are, and something has got to give.

I'm afraid that it really is all down to your girlfriend. She is going to have to speak with her mother. While I appreciate that she must be petrified of anything happening, this is something that your girlfriend is going to have to talk to her about eventually. If she refuses to do it now then it will only become harder as time goes on, and this is also maintaining her mother's level of anxiety and over-protectiveness.

Thankyou.

I've tried talking to her about this stuff, but she really isn't ready. I'm just going to have to suck it up for the time being.

My girlfriend is 100% sure there is going to be a massive argument when she tells her and that she'll most likely have to leave home. I do really like the idea of meeting on neutral ground and showing her that her daughter will be completely safe with me, but I just don't have the chance to do that because my girlfriend is too scared.

I'm sure I'll be able to hold on for a bit longer. I do have some things I can use to sort of cope in the meantime, and I'm attempting to keep busy. It really is all down to her in the end, and all I can do is try to gently push her along. But I asked if she could maybe push to come out on Saturdays under the pretense of being with her friends, and she wouldn't even do that. She's just scared I think, which is very odd for her. Usually she takes absolutely zero bullshit and if she doesn't like a situation she will damn well do something about it. But when it comes to her mother she won't do a thing.

I think it's because they've been through a lot together. Yeah they fight a lot, but at the end of the day I think she's scared to lose her mother.

All this sounds ridiculous, but it's the situation I'm in at the moment. And I fucking hate it.

 

[Craorach]

It sounds to me like your girlfriend and her mother have been through a particularly terrible situation. Even if they don't seem to get along, that creates a bond that can be hard to break.. and that shouldn't be broken by force by anyone outside it.

If you want her mother to feel safe about allowing her to date, you're going to need to make her feel two things.. that you're not going to hurt her daughter, but also that you can protect her from other people hurting her. That you can take care of her.

I was in a similar, although not as extreme, situation with my now wife and mother in law. My wife has been through alot of bad relationships and her mother basically assumed that anyone she picked would be bad, it took me years of basically ignoring her mother and just doing the right thing to get on her good side.

The issue here, of course, are your problems and your age. I'm not sure how old you are, but you mention your girlfriend is still in school.. that means she is still young enough to be dependant upon her mother, and that you are both still young enough to be going through all manner of emotional changes.

The first thing you need to do, is behave like someone who can be trusted and protect her daughter... and part of that will be dealing with your own issues without involving the girl. Get conselling, find a way to stop hurting yourself that doesn't hurt the girl, and learn to project yourself strongly.

Also, find a job, any job, as working can help you gain confidence.

Above all else, do not improve yourself just for this girl. Face the reality that she might not be "the one" and that you may not be able to get her to help herself free of her mother. Do these things for yourself, if she happens to come along for the ride that is a bonus.

 

[CentralScrtnzr]

How are you supposed to help her when you can hardly help yourself? I can't believe that someone with a history of self-laceration and attempted-suicide isn't in therapy and on medication. If you want to live for your girlfriend, you need to be someone strong and reliable. Get yourself to a medical professional immediately; the earlier you do, the better will be the prognosis. You can't do a damn thing useful until you clean up your life.

I don't want to hear about some murder-suicide because you couldn't take care of yourself.

As someone medicated with antipsychotics, I can well attest that things can and do get better.

There's nothing glorious or romantic or darkly manly about suicide; fascination with suicide is a child's problem, or rather the problem of someone who has a lot of growing up to do, regardless of age. In your case, getting yourself to the right professionals will lead naturally to the maturation process. With successful therapy, your earlier intimations will just seems so--childish--in retrospect.

Let me reiterate, you only exacerbate your girlfriend's troubles with your behavior. She doesn't need that. And there's a good chance you two, at your age at, will not be together forever. If you do actually love her, you will do what's best; that is taking care of yourself. Be a man; take responsibility.

 

[default]

How are you supposed to help her when you can hardly help yourself? I can't believe that someone with a history of self-laceration and attempted-suicide isn't in therapy and on medication. If you want to live for your girlfriend, you need to be someone strong and reliable. Get yourself to a medical professional immediately; the earlier you do, the better will be the prognosis. You can't do a damn thing useful until you clean up your life.

I don't want to hear about some murder-suicide because you couldn't take care of yourself.

As someone medicated with antipsychotics, I can well attest that things can and do get better.

There's nothing glorious or romantic or darkly manly about suicide; fascination with suicide is a child's problem, or rather the problem of someone who has a lot of growing up to do, regardless of age. In your case, getting yourself to the right professionals will lead naturally to the maturation process. With successful therapy, your earlier intimations will just seems so--childish--in retrospect.

Let me reiterate, you only exacerbate your girlfriend's troubles with your behavior. She doesn't need that. And there's a good chance you two, at your age at, will not be together forever. If you do actually love her, you will do what's best; that is taking care of yourself. Be a man; take responsibility.

I'm not so fucking bigoted and dumbass as to think suicide is 'darkly romantic', and I'm trying my fucking hardest to get myself out of this shit. This topic wasn't about my depression, it was about my girlfriend and how I can see her and fix things with her mother. I haven't cut for over three months, and I haven't attempted suicide in six. I've been in therapy and on medication. But just because I'm not cutting or trying to hang myself anymore doesn't mean I'm better. Yeah, I've taken steps to being in a healthier state of mind and body and I'm doing my damn best to man up and take it, but it's pretty fucking hard when I have absolutely nothing to live for except for her and I'm in this situation. I can assure you if things were normal I would be completely fine because I could ignore all the other shit I've had happen to me and focus on our future together, but in the meantime I'm fucked.

I'm doing my damn best to get a job so I can support her when she needs me, but this island is tiny with absolutely nothing on it and the worst unemployment rate in Australia. I spend my entire week applying for what little work there is, whatever it is, and attending interviews and career office appointments.

Not the point. I was merely stating that so people could tell what frame of mind I am in and why this situation is more urgent.

 

[CentralScrtnzr]

How are you supposed to help her when you can hardly help yourself? I can't believe that someone with a history of self-laceration and attempted-suicide isn't in therapy and on medication. If you want to live for your girlfriend, you need to be someone strong and reliable. Get yourself to a medical professional immediately; the earlier you do, the better will be the prognosis. You can't do a damn thing useful until you clean up your life.

I don't want to hear about some murder-suicide because you couldn't take care of yourself.

As someone medicated with antipsychotics, I can well attest that things can and do get better.

There's nothing glorious or romantic or darkly manly about suicide; fascination with suicide is a child's problem, or rather the problem of someone who has a lot of growing up to do, regardless of age. In your case, getting yourself to the right professionals will lead naturally to the maturation process. With successful therapy, your earlier intimations will just seems so--childish--in retrospect.

Let me reiterate, you only exacerbate your girlfriend's troubles with your behavior. She doesn't need that. And there's a good chance you two, at your age at, will not be together forever. If you do actually love her, you will do what's best; that is taking care of yourself. Be a man; take responsibility.

I'm not so fucking bigoted and dumbass as to think suicide is 'darkly romantic', and I'm trying my fucking hardest to get myself out of this shit. This topic wasn't about my depression, it was about my girlfriend and how I can see her and fix things with her mother. I haven't cut for over three months, and I haven't attempted suicide in six. I've been in therapy and on medication. But just because I'm not cutting or trying to hang myself anymore doesn't mean I'm better. Yeah, I've taken steps to being in a healthier state of mind and body and I'm doing my damn best to man up and take it, but it's pretty fucking hard when I have absolutely nothing to live for except for her and I'm in this situation. I can assure you if things were normal I would be completely fine because I could ignore all the other shit I've had happen to me and focus on our future together, but in the meantime I'm fucked.

I'm doing my damn best to get a job so I can support her when she needs me, but this island is tiny with absolutely nothing on it and the worst unemployment rate in Australia. I spend my entire week applying for what little work there is, whatever it is, and attending interviews and career office appointments.

Not the point. I was merely stating that so people could tell what frame of mind I am in and why this situation is more urgent.

I apologize, then, for much of what I've written.

Still, if your only reason to live is her, you're bad for her. You need to move past that. No-one wants a clingy, potential suicide (if things go tits up) for a spouse.

Maybe you just have to accept, gracefully, how powerless you are in all this. It may be liberating.

 

[BloatedGuppy]

Yeah, I've taken steps to being in a healthier state of mind and body and I'm doing my damn best to man up and take it, but it's pretty fucking hard when I have absolutely nothing to live for except for her and I'm in this situation.

Ho-ho-holy shit.

Have you ever told HER this? Have you ever said "The only thing I have to live for is you" to her? Because the threat of suicide is considered some pretty high level abusive behavior. Up there with smacking her around.

You need to NOT be in a relationship right now. You're clearly fighting with a lot of demons, and you need time and space to get your head and life together. Being in a relationship requires a lot of work and energy that you are not in any head space to give. You need to be healthy and functional in your own life before you can be a healthy and functional partner in someone else's.

 

[default]

Yeah, I've taken steps to being in a healthier state of mind and body and I'm doing my damn best to man up and take it, but it's pretty fucking hard when I have absolutely nothing to live for except for her and I'm in this situation.

Ho-ho-holy shit.

Have you ever told HER this? Have you ever said "The only thing I have to live for is you" to her? Because the threat of suicide is considered some pretty high level abusive behavior. Up there with smacking her around.

You need to NOT be in a relationship right now. You're clearly fighting with a lot of demons, and you need time and space to get your head and life together. Being in a relationship requires a lot of work and energy that you are not in any head space to give. You need to be healthy and functional in your own life before you can be a healthy and functional partner in someone else's.

No, I haven't told her this, but how is it threatening suicide? I mean it in the way of saying that she is the only thing that makes me happy and makes me feel better, the only thing I live for. It's the whole 'You are my world' line. Again I can understand where you're coming from if I vocalised it badly and gave her the wrong idea, but let's hope it doesn't come to that.

Also, how is not being in a relationship a good idea? Again I can understand where you're coming from, but I was far, FAR worse when I had no one who cared at all and just had pointless casual sex that only exacerbated my loneliness. Not having anyone would just make me worse. I've already stated that if I could see her a reasonable amount I would be fine because my focus would be completely removed from myself and I would just be HAPPY.

People, our relationship is a very two-ways thing. We both help each other out so much and we care about each other deeply. Even when I'm unhappy or upset or I miss her so much I'm in pain I will always put that aside and not even mention it if she is in trouble or unhappy, because that's what the man is meant to do. I've spent a large chunk of the last few years looking after people in depression far worse than mine, and I've always been a psychologically conscious person. And I have helped those people and even helped them back from the brink of suicide. So yeah, I am sick and sometimes I'll slip up and do stupid stuff, but I do know what I'm doing most of the time. And she needs me just as much as I need her, I can guarantee you that.


When I said I 'broke down' to her I didn't mean I teared up and made a mess of things. I just told her how I felt and made it clear that I was unhappy and that I needed things to take a step forward. Yeah, nothing changed, but it's bolstered my resilience and made me realise that nothing is going to happen until my girlfriend is ready. And I'll just have to wait for as long as it takes, cos I've got nothing else. Doesn't help me in the meantime though.

 

[CentralScrtnzr]

If she is the only thing you live for, you threaten your own death in her absence. That is abusive.

I happen to have a spouse. I love her dearly; were she to go out of my life, regardless of the manner, I would certainly be sad, but there's more than enough to keep me occupied and invested in life despite a little tragedy.

If you require her presence in your life to be happy, you're doing it wrong. Real love begins with self-love. How can you love another when you don't care for yourself? Have you considered that your behavior is just as destructive to her life as is her family's?

You need to let go. Whether your relationship continues depends on far more than just you. You can't stop whatever happens. Obsessing about it isn't going to help. Besides, far more attractive and compelling is the calm and confident. Besides, you're young. Most young relationships are founded upon the mistakes of youth; they tend not to last.

You really should go out into the world and find other reasons to be happy, other constructive activities worthy your attention.

 

[loa]

Okay if she is the only thing in life to make you happy, that right there is unhealthy.
Literally unhealthy for you and the relationship.

I would know, I once searched the panaccea for chronical sadness in a relationship too.
It can be enriching, sure, while everything goes well, you're happy, right?
However, if you rely on it too much and something goes wrong, it can and will fucking destroy you.
There's nothing else in this world to make you happy after all, is there?
I'm not even kidding, the pain can make you physically ill. I've been there.

You need something else that keeps your demons at bay.
Anything but something as fickle as a relationship. Don't attach your life to it!
Get a creative outlet, meet with friends, therapy, anything.

 

[Galletea]

I think it's because they've been through a lot together. Yeah they fight a lot, but at the end of the day I think she's scared to lose her mother.

All this sounds ridiculous, but it's the situation I'm in at the moment. And I fucking hate it.

The only thing I want to add here is that it is a bad idea to meet up under another pretence. If you did that and her mother somehow found out, and she probably would, it would make everything ten times harder for you.

This is going to take time, and although your girlfriend is afraid of the fallout, it will become harder to confront her mother the longer she leaves it. I'm not suggesting that she try to break free of her influence all at once, but she should consider talking about the first steps, like I mentioned earlier, because her mother is not likely to become more open minded about these things on her own. If anything she will probably become more insular and even more protective of her. Your girlfriend will just have to talk to her and try to keep calm, as her mother may well turn it into an argument, and throw about accusations. She's still hurting, and will probably lash out, and it is very important for your girlfriend to stay calm when she talks to her. Talk it over, but try not to push her too hard, make sure she knows that it's difficult for you too.