A question for the ladies.

[trollnystan]

I've never been in a relationship, but I know myself well enough to know that I'd probably try and hide the way I feel. But that's because of my personality, not my gender. I have a happy-face mask on most of the time and that's because of my psychological problems. This is of course one of the reasons I feel I probably should be glad I'm NOT in a relationship; the last thing I want to do is fuck with a guy's mind, even if unintentionally.

I do have a friend who is VERY honest about her feelings to her husband. OR at least she tries to be. He tends to get insulted when she tells him she isn't happy about this, that or the other - she is diagnosed with bi-polar btw - so sometimes she just says, "I'm fine" so he won't get upset.

I really don't buy into the whole thing that it's because of gender we act like this. I think it's the way we were raised and the culture we were raised in. And let's face it, girls and boys are often raised differently and under different expectations from the get-go.

 

[Hagi]

I've felt anger, but I've never felt someone deserved to be treated badly for treating me badly, what's the point? how does that help me? I would rather focus my energy on fixing things with me then destroying things for someone else

It helps you tremendously. It allows you to vent your emotions and lets the other you know you don't appreciate what they did.

You're not destroying anything. You're making yourself feel much better and letting the other know that what they did was wrong.

People are emotional as well as rational. Disregarding that emotion and not acting on it in any way or form will just make you apathetic.

Being happy requires you to be angry, sad and disappointed at times. Apathy is the only state of being that can be constant, the others will always fluctuate.

 

[artanis_neravar]

snip

If it's a meal, and you try it yourself you can tell if it's bad, yeah the guy should be more tactful, but wouldn't you be just as pissed if he said it was great when you knew it wasn't?
Now if it's a painting he has no excuse, as far as I'm concerned anything creative, like a painting or drawing is amazing because my girl made it.

Forget the meal, forget the damn painting. Also I already mentioned "constructive criticism" and that, in fact, it wouldn't be better if that person just said that it's a great meal while it clearly isn't.

The point though, wasn't the example. It's the fact that the person that said it sucked, upset the girl and didn't realize why.

I get that I'm just saying that if you make something that is legitimately bad it is a tough thing to navigate, and most guys (at least the ones I know) would rather be told outright that something is bad, so that is the way they tend to go when dealing with other people. That being said, he should realize what he did to upset her.

 

[artanis_neravar]

I've felt anger, but I've never felt someone deserved to be treated badly for treating me badly, what's the point? how does that help me? I would rather focus my energy on fixing things with me then destroying things for someone else

It helps you tremendously. It allows you to vent your emotions and lets the other you know you don't appreciate what they did.

You're not destroying anything. You're making yourself feel much better and letting the other know that what they did was wrong.

People are emotional as well as rational. Disregarding that emotion and not acting on it in any way or form will just make you apathetic.

Being happy requires you to be angry, sad and disappointed at times. Apathy is the only state of being that can be constant, the others will always fluctuate.

You can let someone know that what they did was wrong without treating them badly, and I have other friends that I can vent to if I need it (which I usually don't I am very calm and relaxed) I do agree with the sad and disappointed part, but being happy doesn't require you to be angry I am extremely happy and very rarely angry.

 

[similar.squirrel]

If a girl isn't telling you why she's mad, it's because you should already know. If you don't know, then you problem was likely one of consideration.

 

[Hagi]

You can let someone know that what they did was wrong without treating them badly, and I have other friends that I can vent to if I need it (which I usually don't I am very calm and relaxed) I do agree with the sad and disappointed part, but being happy doesn't require you to be angry I am extremely happy and very rarely angry.

Meh... your loss I'd say. Personally I wouldn't call you calm and relaxed, I'd call it emotionally distant or even disconnected.

I find that sharing my emotions and opinions with the people I care about, even if negative, are a good thing.

They treated me badly, I then treat them badly, we talk about it and both of us can leave it behind us with no bad feelings or resentment.

Besides, getting treated badly for a while after doing something you know was wrong towards someone else can be great. If he/she keeps on treating like it doesn't matter even though you know it did then you'll just feel guilty. Whereas if he/she shouts at you for a bit you can take the blame and then let it go.

Anger in moderation is an extremely healthy and balanced way of dealing with problems, there's nothing wasteful about it. As long as you keep a part of you rational that is.

 

[Chemical Alia]

When I get mad about something, I do tend to suppress it, and it can make me feel pretty depressed. I think being up front and telling my boyfriend about something that upsets me, but over the past eight years I've learned that it usually solves nothing and can make things worse.

He is very stubborn, and instantly becomes defensive. Even telling him he has some food stuck in his teeth when out at a restaurant is enough to get an angry look. I wish he could take this type of discussion less personally, but it doesn't seem possible to change people in that regard. I'm also not the kind of person to share my emotions, and I'm even worse at talking about them, so it's easier for me to suppress them even when I know it's not a good thing to do.

My sister is the same way. Those are the only two people I know who I have this problem with. 0:

 

[Ionait]

So.. many.. different.. relationship.. topics.. Will try to just answer the question! Try...

Sometimes I won't tell my guy what's wrong or if I am mad because, well, sometimes he's not the most receptive to criticism. So it's a, pick your battles, thing. I'm still angry, so the anger will probably show through eventually, but in my head I weight it, is it worth possibly having a miscommunication, feeling 10x worse, and dragging him down too? Or can I just ignore him for 20 minutes and move on with my life?

He'll notice I'm not feeling chipper and ask about it, so I'll say, it's nothing. It's not because I want him to guess. I just want it dropped. And him questioning me about it is hindering my ability to ignore him for 20 minutes and move on--as was the plan.

Now, other instances, I am angry about something because I am waiting for an apology. Now, when you want an apology, you don't say "ok, you did this wrong to me, so.. now what do you owe me here?" So, if he asks me, "what's wrong?" no way, I'm not going to tell him. I want an 100% pure apology, not one prompted by me, or one I feel I "forced" out of him.

And, even more instances! There are times when I am very upset and I do want to talk it out, but am not sure how to bring it up in a way that won't start us off in an argument rather than a discussion, so I am stuck mulling it over in misery, hoping my guy will throw me a bone and help me get the healthy conversation started so we can heal.

So three instances. All of them are displayed, physically, exactly the same. How do you tell the difference so you can take the best course of action? I have no idea. I'm sorry.

 

[Mariena]

If a girl isn't telling you why she's mad, it's because you should already know. If you don't know, then you problem was likely one of consideration.

I love you?

I guess you just kinda summed up everything I said. Lol.

 

[artanis_neravar]

You can let someone know that what they did was wrong without treating them badly, and I have other friends that I can vent to if I need it (which I usually don't I am very calm and relaxed) I do agree with the sad and disappointed part, but being happy doesn't require you to be angry I am extremely happy and very rarely angry.

Meh... your loss I'd say. Personally I wouldn't call you calm and relaxed, I'd call it emotionally distant or even disconnected.

I find that sharing my emotions and opinions with the people I care about, even if negative, are a good thing.

They treated me badly, I then treat them badly, we talk about it and both of us can leave it behind us with no bad feelings or resentment.

Besides, getting treated badly for a while after doing something you know was wrong towards someone else can be great. If he/she keeps on treating like it doesn't matter even though you know it did then you'll just feel guilty. Whereas if he/she shouts at you for a bit you can take the blame and then let it go.

Anger in moderation is an extremely healthy and balanced way of dealing with problems, there's nothing wasteful about it. As long as you keep a part of you rational that is.

I do share my emotion with people I care about, the people close to me know how to read me very well, I am in no way emotionally distant or disconnected, I just don't get angry often, granted apparently that does make it all the more scary when I do get angry

 

[Mariena]

When I get mad about something, I do tend to suppress it, and it can make me feel pretty depressed. I think being up front and telling my boyfriend about something that upsets me, but over the past eight years I've learned that it usually solves nothing and can make things worse.

He is very stubborn, and instantly becomes defensive. Even telling him he has some food stuck in his teeth when out at a restaurant is enough to get an angry look. I wish he could take this type of discussion less personally, but it doesn't seem possible to change people in that regard. I'm also not the kind of person to share my emotions, and I'm even worse at talking about them, so it's easier for me to suppress them even when I know it's not a good thing to do.

My sister is the same way. Those are the only two people I know who I have this problem with. 0:

I read your post and all I could think of was... "Wow, how did you two last 8 years together?" ..

 

[rje5]

Dude that's the way some girls are. The best way to get past it is to not show you care. It's a way to get attention. My girlfriend knows if and when she does that, if she won't explain to me why she's mad, then I won't waste my time trying to figure it out and I won't care. Communication is key to a relationship, and if someone can't just say something is wrong, then there is a bigger problem.
And no, I don't buy the line of "you should know why I'm upset". Ok, that's your opinion. But if I don't know, not telling me isn't making the situation better. Telling me and us working it out will.

 

[Mariena]

So.. many.. different.. relationship.. topics.. Will try to just answer the question! Try...

Sometimes I won't tell my guy what's wrong or if I am mad because, well, sometimes he's not the most receptive to criticism. So it's a, pick your battles, thing. I'm still angry, so the anger will probably show through eventually, but in my head I weight it, is it worth possibly having a miscommunication, feeling 10x worse, and dragging him down too? Or can I just ignore him for 20 minutes and move on with my life?

He'll notice I'm not feeling chipper and ask about it, so I'll say, it's nothing. It's not because I want him to guess. I just want it dropped. And him questioning me about it is hindering my ability to ignore him for 20 minutes and move on--as was the plan.

Now, other instances, I am angry about something because I am waiting for an apology. Now, when you want an apology, you don't say "ok, you did this wrong to me, so.. now what do you owe me here?" So, if he asks me, "what's wrong?" no way, I'm not going to tell him. I want an 100% pure apology, not one prompted by me, or one I feel I "forced" out of him.

And, even more instances! There are times when I am very upset and I do want to talk it out, but am not sure how to bring it up in a way that won't start us off in an argument rather than a discussion, so I am stuck mulling it over in misery, hoping my guy will throw me a bone and help me get the healthy conversation started so we can heal.

So three instances. All of them are displayed, physically, exactly the same. How do you tell the difference so you can take the best course of action? I have no idea. I'm sorry.

I must say, even as a girl, I find it hard to read other girls. "Is she saying "nothing" because it really means nothing? She just wants to drop it? Does she say it because she wants me to guess what's wrong? Does she not want to talk about it? Is it embarrassing to talk about? "..

All your instances are very familiar to me, and I guess it simply comes down to experience with that specific person in order to know what to do. I mean, if I was your partner, and I knew that if you said "nothing" you simply meant you wanted to drop it.. Then that'd be a whole lot easier. But if you've been together long enough, it is kinda assumed that you know each other.

 

[Evidencebased]

...

When you are upset with your partner, do you let him know what he has done to put you in that frame of mind, or do you withold that information whilst continuing to be visibly pissed off? If it's the latter case, why? This is a continuing source of puzzlement for men, and I would like to shed some light on it. It's difficult to make up for something when you don't know what you've done.

I'm personally more likely to be upfront (or even confrontational) when I'm angry at someone, but I can see a couple reasons for other women not to do so:

1) Maybe this is a reoccurring thing that she's angry about, and after explaining it multiple times he still doesn't seem to understand/believe/remember, so she has given up trying to tell him and is now just stuck being silently angry every time it happens.

2) Maybe she thinks it is very obvious what he did wrong, and believes that he just doesn't care enough to try and figure it out, and is hoping that she can force him to do a little self-reflection to show he really cares enough to think hard about it.

3) Maybe she's tried explaining why she is angry to previous guys and they responded poorly (laughing it off, calling her a *****, correcting her grammar just to be a dick) so now she assumes her current guy will just do the same, and doesn't want to risk putting her feelings and thoughts out there to be mocked.

4) Maybe she has always seen her mother/friends/aunts/sisters doing the silent treatment, and hasn't had any role models for talking about things honestly, so she genuinely doesn't know how to.

5) Maybe she's just naturally terrible at expressing her feelings verbally and can't think of the right words to say, so she stays silent but is still angry (as well as being frustrated at her inability to talk about it.)

6) Maybe she's so damn angry that anything she said would be far worse than the silent treatment, so she's carefully staying quiet so she won't completely go off on someone she loves and tear him a new one.

These are just some possibilities off the top of my head; there are a million reasons for people to act like they do, but usually it's something more complex than "she's a crazy *****" or "the X chromosomes make her do it!" as I know you know.

 

[UnknownGunslinger]

Ah, the timeless Why won't she tell me what's wrong? situation.
I've been there my friend
First I'm not going to assume understanding of all the possible intricacies of the fairer sex, all I'm going to say is based on my own experience.

Almost always a woman wont tell you whats wrong when you ask her, because she sees answering you as a no win situation.
What I mean by that:

- Maybe what you've done is so glaringly obvious (to her) that she is the one thinking you're playing some sort of games. She's just as confused as you, she doesn't understand what you're trying to accomplish and wont be the one speaking first.

- Second is when what you did wrong is again so obvious (to her), she has realized she's in a relationship with someone who has no understanding of another persons needs, and she's giving up.
Why should she explain again that it's not ok to flirt with her best friend, make her wait for you, listen to you yammering about your ex, etc. if she knows she's wasting her breath and that you'll do the same thing again and be oblivious to what's wrong.

- A third and I think the most often scenario is that it's something she wanted you to do on your own initiative.
Which will simply be rendered useless once pointed out. Small things like noting she has a new haircut, or asking about her day.
If you didn't took interest at first, then anything you say after will seem like you're faking an interest or only giving her compliments on command.
If she points it out, she knows she's going to receive a mechanical response, so she's just not saying anything.
She wont feel good about it, you wont feel good about it, so why should she tell you anything.

My best advice is, if you think it might be one of the above cases, do something sweet she wont expect which will remind her why se loves your stupid ass to begin with

When you are upset with your partner, do you let him know what he has done to put you in that frame of mind, or do you withold that information whilst continuing to be visibly pissed off? If it's the latter case, why? This is a continuing source of puzzlement for men, and I would like to shed some light on it. It's difficult to make up for something when you don't know what you've done.

If she's not telling you what's wrong when you ask her, it means you cant possibly make up for it once you're told, so stop asking, and under no circumstance blame her for not telling you.

 

[Chemical Alia]

I read your post and all I could think of was... "Wow, how did you two last 8 years together?" ..

Mostly due to the fact that I rarely get angry. He comes from a family that would constantly yell at each other and nag all the time, which I found appalling and kind of mean since my childhood was fortunately quite different. I've seen him try to adjust from that, but his upbringing just seems so weird to me.

 

[SckizoBoy]

If a girl isn't telling you why she's mad, it's because you should already know. If you don't know, then you problem was likely one of consideration.

True, so true... and yet many of my gender seem to bury it under 'silent treatment' and similar 'grievances'. Ah, the workings of the male mind...

snip

Well... isn't he supposed to be there for situations such as these? Sure you may not be angry at him, but you being pissed off is invariably going to upset him (if he's the type of boyfriend he should be). You don't really lose anything by telling him why. As for the second... fair enough. As for the third, pretty much the same reasoning as the first, except that the guy should be able to read 'gf is sad *alarm bells*' and give you time, and ask if you wish to talk, just not excessively. Reading through the responses, I'm thinking (wrt me) 'how is that not the norm?!'

snip

And that kind of explains why my friends perpetually accused me of being telepathic...

Honestly, I've never had that problem... granted, I first dated when I was twelve and she was definitely a typically precocious teenaged girl, so I guess I learned a lot and learned it quickly. But I guess when one transcends the normal means of communication without realising it, others regard you weirdly. Until I was twenty-three, that's how I thought all good relationships were supposed to go... yes, I know, how naive of me... *sigh*

 

[Ionait]

Telepathy is something important to bring up! When you find the right person (I'm one of those soul-matey types--get your groaning over with now) you just know these things. Even when physical cues can point to one hundred different feelings, the right person will know which one out of those hundred you're thinking of.

My husband and I don't have perfect records, but he's pretty darn good at this kind of thing. He probably knows how to deal with me better than I know how to deal with me.

 

[Samurai Silhouette]

You're wasting your time on a girl that clams up and doesn't share her feelings with you. Even more so due to the fact that she's uncomfortable with you because most likely she'll find consolation through another guy. This guy pretends to be the whiteknight because he wants the pussy and this is probably the most attention he's ever gotten from a girl so does his best to try be understanding and deep. Whether you're the good or bad guy here, you lost her when she shuts up about what's going on through her head about the relationship. That, or you have a miserable girlfriend for the rest of the relationship. Don't waste each other's time.