About Relationship Sanctity....

[UsefulPlayer 1]

There have been some questions regarding relationships lately and I was hoping to hear from the Escapist on the matter. Please take this seriously.

Anyway, let's say there was this girl you like that was also interested in you. But you know she has a boyfriend, though you don't know him personally. Would you back off? Is it really a big deal at all?

(This is kinda the same question for the ladies but also really important...)
What if you had a sister or close female friend that really, really liked a boy and the boy was interested in her too, but he had a girlfriend. Would you tell her to back off? Would you think badly of her if she didn't?

Keep in mind that in both situations, the person does not ultimately intend to break up with their respective partners and wants to "get it on."

What I want to know is how wrong is it to get involved with someone who has a partner. Or am I just being alittle conservative and it's not wrong at all to be that guy on the side or that mistress?

 

[Terminal Blue]

My theory has always been that people are responsible for their own partners. If you have a boyfriend or girlfriend, it's your choice whether you want to sleep with someone else. The person you're jumping into bed with with has no responsibility to look after your relationship for you. Your friends can always give you advice, and it's good to appreciate honest advice from your friends because it beats being lied to, but ultimately.. it's your decision. If you're okay with cheating, then fine, but it's your responsibility to handle it and any potential consequences.

Of course, I also think anyone is perfectly within their rights to account for whether someone is willing to lie to people they supposedly care about in an appraisal of their character. That doesn't necessarily mean you have to cut them off or even that you can't sleep with them, but if someone is willing to cheat on a partner, even to your advantage, I think that can tell you a lot about them.

I personally wouldn't ever go there again unless the person in question is incredibly hot or something about the situation is sufficiently interesting. My experience is that sleeping with people you can't respect seldom makes you feel very good about yourself, even putting aside any potential issues of guilt or exploitation.

 

[senordesol]

Do unto others as you would have them do unto you.

Would you be ok with your girlfriend hooking up with some guy you didn't know?

Whatever your answer, that is your answer.

 

[Thunderous Cacophony]

I would say that you should respect the relationship. People aren't only in relationships for physical comforts; there is a deeply entrenched emotional, mental and spiritual aspect. If you have sex with someone in a relationship, when you know that the relationship is not going to immediately end, then you are responsible for the fallout from your affair. You either need to accept the damage you are doing to yourself and the people in the relationship, or back off, or talk to boyfriend and girlfriend at the same time about what's going on, and see if you can sort it out under the light of the sun.

 

[Maze1125]

Do unto others as you would have them do unto you.

Would you be ok with your girlfriend hooking up with some guy you didn't know?

Whatever your answer, that is your answer.

No it isn't.

I wouldn't want my wife to hook up with some stranger, but I think it's fine for a single person to try and have sex with whoever they want, even if that person is in a relationship.

How do I cohere those two points of view? Because I trust my wife. I trust her to not take any other men up on their offers. Those men can try all they want, I'm fine with that, because nothing's going to come of it.

 

[Redlin5_v1legacy]

The bond of trust is very important to me in a relationship. If I found out the girl I was involved with was sleeping around it would be over very, very fast. And I would likely have a few words with the other man if I knew him.

 

[BloatedGuppy]

There have been some questions regarding relationships lately and I was hoping to hear from the Escapist on the matter. Please take this seriously.

Anyway, let's say there was this girl you like that was also interested in you. But you know she has a boyfriend, though you don't know him personally. Would you back off? Is it really a big deal at all?

(This is kinda the same question for the ladies but also really important...)
What if you had a sister or close female friend that really, really liked a boy and the boy was interested in her too, but he had a girlfriend. Would you tell her to back off? Would you think badly of her if she didn't?

Keep in mind that in both situations, the person does not ultimately intend to break up with their respective partners and wants to "get it on."

What I want to know is how wrong is it to get involved with someone who has a partner. Or am I just being alittle conservative and it's not wrong at all to be that guy on the side or that mistress?

Feels like we just had this exact discussion recently, only it was specifically worded around the concept of cheating.

A lot of people are going to tell you that Cheating is Wrong. And in a lot of ways, they're right. However, most of these people have also likely never been in a position where they were tempted to cheat. I should probably state now that I've never cheated. I've been cheated ON, though. And it sucked beyond the telling. But when hormones get involved, morality tends to fly right out the window.

So...

If you really, really like someone, and they have a boy/girl friend, it's probably not going to stop you. At best, you're going to orbit around looking for an opening, or chisel away at the relationship quietly whenever the opportunity presents itself. So let's just assume you're going to listen to everyone's advice and try to steal that person away anyway. That's all well and good. Just keep the following things in mind.

1. Expect the jilted partner to react with anger, if not violence. I don't advocate violence as a measured response to infidelity, but some people do, especially people with penises. Be prepared for swift and aggressive retribution.
2. Expect to be the bad guy, because you basically are. You've done something widely regarded as despicable. Even if the relationship you broke up was shoddy, you're still going to be regarded as a heartless pillager. Don't try to justify what you did. Be contrite. Take your lumps.
3. Expect the person you've talked into cheating to be a wildly unreliable partner. They might have a sudden change of heart and return to their previous partner. They might be wracked by guilt and angst and take it out on you. Or they might just cheat on you down the road with a different person. It's easy to believe the person left because you were so damn irresistible, but most of the time if someone is cheating, it's because they're the sort of person who would do that kind of thing. Doesn't make them evil, but don't count on them being faithful.

 

[lacktheknack]

I'd back off without second thought. Life's too long to make enemies.

 

[Bloodtrozorx]

How someone treats a significant other is a good barometer of how they will treat you. If your goal is a relationship and she cheats with you then she may cheat on you. However if your goal is meaningless sex then have at it. I personally wouldn?t be party to cheating.

 

[JdaS]

If the girl is with a good friend of mine, she's off-limits. However, if the girl is dating some random asshat, and happens to like me better, let's just say I wouldn't lose any sleep over it. Might lose a couple of teeth at some point...

Just make sure that the situation is not just in your head though. Else or you're getting is humiliated AND beat up.

 

[remnant_phoenix]

To me, relationships are all about up-front honesty.

If someone was dating me, but they wanted to be with someone else, physically or otherwise, that's their personal feelings. If they want to act on those feelings, they should at least have the decency to say, "Hey, I want to be with (physically or otherwise) someone else." And then, unless there's some sort of "open relationship" agreement going on, the relationship is over.

Having a fling on the side and hiding it while still expecting and experiencing all the benefits of being in exclusive relationship is selfish and inconsiderate, and anyone with any level of decency would agree. It's just wrong.

I admit I'm being judgemental. I'm also biased as I'm someone who has been subject to this sort of infidelity before. I don't care. It's wrong.

 

[Marcus Kehoe]

Do unto others as you would have them do unto you.

Would you be ok with your girlfriend hooking up with some guy you didn't know?

Whatever your answer, that is your answer.

Couldn't have said it better myself

If the person wants to be with you or someone else, the current relationship has to end.

 

[Vampire cat]

I wouldn't want someone to cheat on me (yeah, we call it that these days, don't we?), so no I wouldn't think that was OK. I'd actually say it's a dick move. If a friend wanted to hook up with someone who was together, I'd tell the friend to have the other person end that relationship first.

--

I don't see a problem really if all 3 involved (or more for that matter...) are in agreement and comfortable with having a 3-way relationship (or both parties in one relationship having lovers). As long as everyone knows and agrees it's for the best thats no big bad. But to do something like that behind your partners back is not cool.

 

[GameMaNiAC]

I'd back off without second thought. Life's too long to make enemies.

Your avatar scares me.

OT: No, I would never try to start something with someone in a relationship. If they were in a relationship, I'd most likely just move on and find someone who loves me. And besides, if that person would do it with you, it shows that she/he isn't an honest person. Honesty and trust is everything.

Though I doubt I'll ever find myself in this situation, as I am in a happy, lasting relationship already.

 

[Woodsey]

"Anyway, let's say there was this girl you like that was also interested in you."

Her problem, not yours. Non-issue until you start thinking about her with your actual head, and not just the one on your willy.

 

[Jonluw]

I would have the decency to not attempt to get with the girl if she was in a relationship.
I would, however, not give up completely. She's clearly not horribly invested in her current boyfriend, so I see it as not too unlikely that she might become available in some time.
I'm not so clinically dependent on sex as to wish to be a part of hurting another person for the sake of a lay though.

If, however, I was hopelessly in love, I might've confronted her with my feelings and attempted to get her to get rid of her boyfriend. Provided I had the balls. I still wouldn't enter a relationship without having her end things with her current fling though.

If my sister was interested in a boy, I am certain I would not know about it. I don't have that close a relationship with her.
That said, if I found out she was in a relationship with someone who already has a girlfriend, I'd be disappointed in her for not having that bit of decency and restraint.

 

[Luke3184]

Removed

 

[Aurora Firestorm]

Talk to the person. It has always been my opinion that if you can't talk to them, you shouldn't be sleeping with them anyway, and maybe they and their partner have something worked out. After all, polyamory exists, and other shades of "we're together but we can see other people sometimes" exist, and if your romantic interest is in one of these states, then go you! If not, and the person is just willing to cheat, drop that like an ugly baby, because said interest is now just a sleazebag. Do you really want to sleep with a sleazebag? I don't. I also don't think you want to be "the other guy," because that just earns you a lot of hate from everyone, either for being the person to hurt the boyfriend by proxy, or for being sleazy enough to let someone cheat with you when you knew it was cheating.

BloatedGuppy: that is very cynical, very dismal, very useful advice. Not everyone will fit that pattern, but I'm sure many will.