Seldon2639 said:
The expression I've heard is "you miss 100% of the shots you don't take", but I do understand your point.
I don't argue against trying to date someone closer to perfection (I do find it curious that you chose to focus solely on the physical attractiveness of the "hot" girl, but the "mousy" girl is "boring" as well, and "mousy" really isn't a synonym for "unattractive" go ask any indie music guy), but one must recognize that it's unlikely to succeed. Low self-esteem would be characterized by a belief that one deserves less than one actually does. Inflated self-esteem (a far more common problem, psychologically speaking) is characterized by thinking you deserve more than you actually do.
Your thinking is, in many ways, actually the very mindset I'm trying to combat. You view "aiming for/deserving" someone who is (on the whole) a more desirable partner as being a mark of adequate self-esteem, whereas I would argue it's an inflated ego bordering on delusion. It's curious to me why one would have to be of low self-esteem to admit candidly, and if only to oneself: "I'm not the most desirable person around, so to place my dreams and romantic hopes on someone who is, realistically, unattainable to me would be folly".
It's mostly lines like the following that lead me to say such things:
Seldon2639 said:
I don't mean any offense, I'm sure many of the people who post scenarios like "I'm in love with a beautiful, smart, funny, kind girl... And I'm not the most attractive guy, but I can make her laugh, and I help her with her homework" are good people in their own rights, they're just up against a wall: they aren't as good as the person they seek to court.
If you "aren't as good" as someone you like (which IMO is an idiotic statement to begin with), what does it matter? Should you aim lower? If yes, you're limiting yourself because of a percieved difference in worth, which to me is what having a low self-esteem would mean. If not, your post has little meaning.
Either way, I object to the very spirit of your post. The very idea of deserving or not deserving a certain partner is just plain offensive. Who decides who deserves what? Your answer can't be anything but arbitrary. At most you could say that your prospective partner is the one who decides that, and you won't know that until you actively pursue the option, and if you're going after someone you like just because you like them, not just because you think you deserve them, then the difference doesn't matter in the first place.
Sure, you might have a better shot at someone who's less attractive, intelligent, funny, rich, friendly or whatever you find important in a partner, but I really feel sorry for the kind of person who'd need to use a checklist to see if he wants to get together with someone or not. Relationships aren't logical to begin with, and even if someone is unattainable for you, you won't know for sure until you try it. If you give up on a shot at love just because you don't like your chances, then yes, I'd call that low self-esteem. Or at the very least low self-confidence.
Don't get me wrong: I fully support your opinion that it's important to know your own flaws and weaknesses. I just don't think you should allow yourself to be limited by those, especially in such an uncertain thing as a relationship. You'll spend your entire life being limited by others, there's little need to limit yourself inside your own mind as well. You keep talking about what's reasonable, but IMO that's just a way of colouring your own vision and limiting yourself.
And as far as using appearance as a desirable vs undesirable example: It's just that, an example. If I had to list everything a person could find attractive in another person, my hands would hurt from all the typing. And besides, even if you don't like to admit it, appearance is always the first thing someone pays attention to when meeting someone new, and in many situations will determine whether to "go for it" or not.
