Advice on letting a girl down easy?

[SimuLord]

Situation, the short version:

I've got a friend, female, platonic. She's got strong feelings for me and frequently flirts with me and otherwise behaves in a manner consistent with wanting to be my girlfriend. Where the problem comes in is that she's not even slightly physically attractive to me. I have absolutely no desire to be intimate with her, which is why it's so easy for me to keep her as a platonic friend. Normally this is not an issue, BUT...

I just met a new girl this past week...someone who IS very attractive to me, and who is similarly interested in me. I want to pursue a relationship with her. But I don't want to deal with the ensuing shitstorm when girl #1 inevitably blows a gasket at me.

Complicating factors: They're both on Facebook. Girl #2 is aware of Girl #1's existence (for my own sake I warned her that she's got a jealous streak that might cause problems early on). Girl #1 doesn't know that Girl #2 is a potential romantic interest---yet.

Any advice for letting someone down easy if you're just not attracted to them at all? (and why would someone like me ask? Simple...even with my reputation for going after anything that moves, this girl doesn't even meet MY low standards. It's kind of a new experience for me.)

 

[zombiesinc]

I'd be honest with her. Let her know you're simply not attracted to her, and do not see yourself ever wishing to date her. Don't tell her she's completely ugly, or anything inconsiderate like that, as (obviously) that wouldn't be 'letting her down easy'.

If she decides to be immature about it, you can delete her as a friend, and/or block her. You certainly don't want her creeping your Facebook if she's the jealous type, who would do something to intentionally cause drama with you and girl #2.

 

[Julianking93]

Eh. I've not had the best luck with this situation myself, but I'll tell you what pretty much everyone has told me to do;

Just be honest with her. Tell her exactly that. You're not attracted to her in a sexual way and you would much rather stay good friends.

Though, if she's the jealous type like you say, it makes things a bit difficult if she sees you running round with another girl. If she begins acting immature or childish about it, then it would be best to just ignore her. You wouldn't want to be around someone like that anyway.

 

[The_root_of_all_evil]

and do not see yourself ever wishing to date her.

Ow.

Why not just say "I've found someone special"...or "Is your sister single?", that'd probably be less traumatic.

The above seems to say "You're not pretty, AND you've not got a nice personality"

 

[Tipsy Giant]

Say to her that you are glad you are friends but if she is only interested in being in a relationship with you, you have conflicting interests and should go separate ways, then she gets to make the decision to be friends or not, leaving you to have fun with girl #2.

 

[zombiesinc]

and do not see yourself ever wishing to date her.

Ow.

Why not just say "I've found someone special"...or "Is your sister single?", that'd probably be less traumatic.

The above seems to say "You're not pretty, AND you've not got a nice personality"

It's honest, and true. Yes, it's a little blunt, but that doesn't mean he's being insensitive.

Lying is far worse than honesty, my friend, even if it hurts a little more.

 

[MassiveGeek]

Truly?

Be honest is the best advice I can give you. Explain exactly how you feel, and why you feel that way, and don't keep girl #2 a secret from her(not that you'd be very able to with Facebook squirting out your little secrets into the vast interwebz).
Also this is very important:
If she asks you a question, don't answer "I don't know". She's going to get pissed.

Oh, and don't encourage her in the slightest way if she flirts with you. Just don't, she'll otherwise think that you're actually interested and keep pursuing you even more.

 

[TriGGeR_HaPPy]

I've pretty much been ninja'd by the first 2 replies on this... Really, honesty with Girl #1 is the way to approach it, and good luck with Girl #2.

How she (#1) deals with it is her problem for the most part (especially if she becomes "that jealous girl"), but after trying with the second girl, it might be an idea to give the first girl some space, if just for a little while. I've been in this situation before, and my Girl #1 and I are now still luckily good friends, even if she needed a bit of space at the start of my relationship with #2.

Sorry for not really giving anything new to this thread, so I'll just end with this: Good luck.

 

[Vanguard_Ex]

Situation, the short version:

I've got a friend, female, platonic. She's got strong feelings for me and frequently flirts with me and otherwise behaves in a manner consistent with wanting to be my girlfriend. Where the problem comes in is that she's not even slightly physically attractive to me. I have absolutely no desire to be intimate with her, which is why it's so easy for me to keep her as a platonic friend. Normally this is not an issue, BUT...

I just met a new girl this past week...someone who IS very attractive to me, and who is similarly interested in me. I want to pursue a relationship with her. But I don't want to deal with the ensuing shitstorm when girl #1 inevitably blows a gasket at me.

Complicating factors: They're both on Facebook. Girl #2 is aware of Girl #1's existence (for my own sake I warned her that she's got a jealous streak that might cause problems early on). Girl #1 doesn't know that Girl #2 is a potential romantic interest---yet.

Any advice for letting someone down easy if you're just not attracted to them at all? (and why would someone like me ask? Simple...even with my reputation for going after anything that moves, this girl doesn't even meet MY low standards. It's kind of a new experience for me.)

Man, I would gladly trade places with you...I'm currently trying to pick a girl up gently rather than let her down.

But that's no help to you. Honestly, I would say you just have to tell her that although you really value her as a friend (value being a very good word to use), that you don't see you two being intimate. Or, you could feign ignorance and just get close to the second girl, although the plausibility of that will waver on whether or not the first girl knows that you know she's into you.

 

[The_root_of_all_evil]

Lying is far worse than honesty, my friend, even if it hurts a little more.

I don't think I've ever met someone who's been committed over a lie. Quite a few over the "truth".

If you want to let the girl down gently, tell her that you've had some fun times together but you're seeing someone else. If she wants to shitstorm, let her. No lies, no truth, just information.

 

[MacCleric]

In my experience there is no easy way to do it.
As long as you haven't led girl #1 along it will make it easier to go out with girl #2, although no matter what...if she is into you she is going to be hurt/pissed.

I would try and let #1 know that #2 is interested and you have a date planned (if you actually have one) and then figure out the conversation from there

 

[Griffolion]

Situation, the short version:

I've got a friend, female, platonic. She's got strong feelings for me and frequently flirts with me and otherwise behaves in a manner consistent with wanting to be my girlfriend. Where the problem comes in is that she's not even slightly physically attractive to me. I have absolutely no desire to be intimate with her, which is why it's so easy for me to keep her as a platonic friend. Normally this is not an issue, BUT...

I just met a new girl this past week...someone who IS very attractive to me, and who is similarly interested in me. I want to pursue a relationship with her. But I don't want to deal with the ensuing shitstorm when girl #1 inevitably blows a gasket at me.

Complicating factors: They're both on Facebook. Girl #2 is aware of Girl #1's existence (for my own sake I warned her that she's got a jealous streak that might cause problems early on). Girl #1 doesn't know that Girl #2 is a potential romantic interest---yet.

Any advice for letting someone down easy if you're just not attracted to them at all? (and why would someone like me ask? Simple...even with my reputation for going after anything that moves, this girl doesn't even meet MY low standards. It's kind of a new experience for me.)

Erm probably just be honest with her. If she is how you say she is, i.e likely to blow a gasket and jealous, then nothing you can do will alleviate that, seriously. If you tell her the balls out truth of the situation then there's nothing she can call you out on and there's nothing hidden that could come out in the future that would turn into a poo-storm of its own.

 

[dsmops2003]

Maybe try setting Girl 1 up with a friend of yours so you can be free to go after girl 2. You need a wingman that will absorb those wildebeest attacks.

 

[Yossarian1507]

From my experience, you should be bluntly honest to her. It'll hurt her, but she'll recover more quickly. Trying to be 'nice and polite' is so roundabout and annoying, it actually stings more, and for the longer duration of time.

 

[Dastardly]

Situation, the short version:

I've got a friend, female, platonic. She's got strong feelings for me and frequently flirts with me and otherwise behaves in a manner consistent with wanting to be my girlfriend. Where the problem comes in is that she's not even slightly physically attractive to me. I have absolutely no desire to be intimate with her, which is why it's so easy for me to keep her as a platonic friend. Normally this is not an issue, BUT...

I just met a new girl this past week...someone who IS very attractive to me, and who is similarly interested in me. I want to pursue a relationship with her. But I don't want to deal with the ensuing shitstorm when girl #1 inevitably blows a gasket at me.

Complicating factors: They're both on Facebook. Girl #2 is aware of Girl #1's existence (for my own sake I warned her that she's got a jealous streak that might cause problems early on). Girl #1 doesn't know that Girl #2 is a potential romantic interest---yet.

Any advice for letting someone down easy if you're just not attracted to them at all? (and why would someone like me ask? Simple...even with my reputation for going after anything that moves, this girl doesn't even meet MY low standards. It's kind of a new experience for me.)

It will not be easy. But that is not your responsibility, necessarily.

Don't be insensitive or harsh, obviously. But recognize that just because her feelings are hurt doesn't mean YOU hurt them. If you are honest, up-front, and tactful... but mostly direct and specific, leaving no room for confusion... hurt feelings are not on you.

If she's got unrealistic, unwarranted, or excessive expectations, this is because she has built up a reality that doesn't exist. If her feelings are injured when that reality collapses, it's not your fault--you didn't build it, or even feed it (hopefully). Again, her feelings WILL be hurt. She will get angry and sad about it. That's a natural part of this process, and it doesn't necessarily mean you've done anything wrong.

My advice:

1) Apologize for anything you might have said or done to give her the impression that you two were potentially "a thing." Try to be specific, if you can. Apologize for not recognizing it sooner and saying something then.

2) Tell her in no uncertain terms that a relationship with her is not something in which you're interested beyond plain friendship. Don't tell her you're "not looking to date right now," or she'll think she can try again later (like TOMORROW). That also makes you look like a douche if you then go elsewhere. Tell her that you just don't want a relationship with her in that way.

3) If she asks why, just say "because." Don't give reasons. She'll take that as a list of things to work on or change, and she'll expect you to change your mind once she does. The answer is a simple and plain, "I do not want this." No explanation will help, nor will it make this any easier. It will just stretch things out to the point that real damage is done.

3) She will most likely "try" to be a friend. This usually ends up as her sticking around waiting for another opportunity to "change your mind." If this becomes the case, it will be up to YOU to cut ties. If you're lucky, she'll storm off and make this decision herself. The only thing that can make her feelings die down and go away is time. Time spent completely away from the issue, not thinking about it or being reminded of it, just moving toward something else to emotionally fixate upon. There is no short cut.

4) After this time away (which may need to be MONTHS), it is possible to re-start as just friends, because the old emotions are out of the way. But be wary about trying this too soon (because you "feel bad about what happened" or anything), and be wary of things slipping back toward the old problem again.

This is all about expectations. Let her know yours, make sure you're not misinforming hers. If you're not expecting the same thing, you are wholly incompatible for now. Make a sharp, clean break if you want any chance of this thing healing.

 

[ZelosRaine]

Judging by the post you were put on probation for, I question the authenticity of your desire to let anyone "down easy." It, rather, seems to me that you are reveling in your (real?) situation of having two women interested in you and wanted to share it. As far as actually advise, honesty and full disclosure are always the best policies. Of course, this means that you will have to behave in a way that allows for full disclosure, something that many find difficult.

 

[warprincenataku]

If I were you, I'd just be honest. I've been in your shoes twice before and found that in one of the cases, honesty worked out the best. In the first case I wasn't honest and all hell broke loose.

 

[Jamboxdotcom]

a slightly less honest, but still to-the-point option is to tell her you think of her like a sister. i've used that one in the past, and it beats the hell out of "there aren't enough paper bags in the world".

that said, however, i do agree that it's best to be as honest as possible.