Am I just at fault?

[Mr F.]

Yes, you are a bad person.

The girlfriend is worse.

But you are also bad.

 

[Johnny Impact]

Yes, you are in the wrong.

If you know you are "the other man" and you keep on with it, you are an accomplice to one of the most despicable crimes a person can commit. Simple as that.

Aside from issues of morality, you should worry about personal safety. People get hurt all the time doing shit like that. I'm not talking about emotional scarring, either. I'm talking about broken bones, smashed teeth, stab wounds, etc. People are universally insane. You don't know how far this guy might be willing to go to get revenge.

Stop this now. Sooner or later, cheating is always discovered. Your luck WILL run out.

 

[afroebob]

Is it wrong to sell meth? I mean, your not the one smoking it. If it wasn't you they are buying it from they would just buy it from someone else. Its the same thing, really. Your not the one cheating but your the one enabling her to cheat.

 

[PrinceOfShapeir]

Yes, you are. Behave with some honor, don't step on other people's relationship. Don't allow yourself to be drawn into a position where you are stepping on it. If she wants to end her relationship, she should actually end it. Until that time comes, you don't fuck her because she's a woman in a relationship that is not an open relationship by prior agreement.

 

[vashthblackseed]

Think of it this way:
If you buy a gun, load it. Hand it to someone else knowing they will kill as many people with it as possible with it. Are you responsible for those deaths?

 

[Strazdas]

So, I'm currently seeing this girl quite often. Friends with benefits thing. Its amazing, dont get me wrong. The only problem though is that she has a boyfriend. To make it better, we are all coworkers. Luckily he doesnt know, but has suspicion. I know she is in the wrong for doing it, but whats bugging me is " how wrong am I in comparison"? At the moment all I can think of is I, m not the one cheating, she is, hes a real d-bag to her anyway, and me always coming to that conclusion is whats bothering me. Whos more wrong?

1. she is NOT in a wrong for doing it. it is her own choice and noone can tell her what to do. its not like shes bearing his child or anything?
You are not in a wrong, because both of you want this and there is nothing wrong.

The only "Wrong" here is that the girl is hiding it. I dont know how the other guy is, (you say its a d-bag but really does that give me a right to judge him?) so i cant say how he should act. but there is nothing wrong with the act itself.

Now i read thoguh other posts, and i am disappointed in humanity again.....

 

[Fasckira]

-snip-

If he treats her wrong, she needs to actually turn round and end this relationship with him. Chances are he isn't as bad as you think however and shes simply painting him in a bad light to justify her own actions (which in turn you're using to justify your actions as well).

I'd say however you're just as accountable - you know the guy and you know whats happening is wrong yet you're still doing it. You're actively enabling the girlfriend to cheat as well and you also need to realise that you can never logically have a decent healthy relationship with a girl who so willingly cheats on her boyfriend.

 

[Amanda Diamond]

It takes two to tango, buddy. She may have approached you, but it wasn't like you weren't equally complicit in it.

 

[Spade Lead]

So, I'm currently seeing this girl quite often. Friends with benefits thing. Its amazing, dont get me wrong. The only problem though is that she has a boyfriend. To make it better, we are all coworkers. Luckily he doesnt know, but has suspicion. I know she is in the wrong for doing it, but whats bugging me is " how wrong am I in comparison"? At the moment all I can think of is I, m not the one cheating, she is, hes a real d-bag to her anyway, and me always coming to that conclusion is whats bothering me. Whos more wrong?

There is no excuse for what you are doing, you are actually just as wrong as her, since you know her boyfriend, and continue to do it as well.

 

[Talaris]

As other's have said, yes you did wrong. If you know the co-worker is mistreating her, you should be a good friend to her and consul her, provide some advice, and back her up if or when she decides to end a relationship with him.

Continuing to sleep with her will guarantee to make the problem worse later on. Either she'll feel a lot of guilt, even if she doesn't show it, or if she doesn't well then I don't know why you would want to be mixed up with a person who doesn't care about cheating on others.

By the way this thread would be better suited to the Advice Forum, if the title was re-worded from who's at fault, to what can be done about this situation.

 

[Frission]

Now i read thoguh other posts, and i am disappointed in humanity again.....

I would say the opposite. I stay away from these sort of threads, but I'm pleased that many people are condemning him.
I don't really understand why anyone would need to ask if they're in the wrong. Wouldn't proper human interaction tell you that is a very cruel and dishonorable thing to do? Not to mention highly risky considering that they're both coworkers?

I would be more scared, if no one here cared.

 

[Strazdas]

Now i read thoguh other posts, and i am disappointed in humanity again.....

I would say the opposite. I stay away from these sort of threads, but I'm pleased that many people are condemning him.
I don't really understand why anyone would need to ask if they're in the wrong. Wouldn't proper human interaction tell you that is a very cruel and dishonorable thing to do? Not to mention highly risky considering that they're both coworkers?

I would be more scared, if no one here cared.

right now im weighing my options on how far i can go without invoking a warning for insults.
and i guess that says it better than anything else.

It seems that i am the only person on the escapist that does not think he is in the wrong. ANd this is a website that i always kept as progressive and smart. I guess the society wasnt changing as fast as i hoped for.

Think of it this way:
If you buy a gun, load it. Hand it to someone else knowing they will kill as many people with it as possible with it. Are you responsible for those deaths?

did you just really compared sleeping with a woman that has a "boyfriend" to giving murderer a loaded weapon? i am at a loss of words for this stupidity.

Well, you know what they say, if they cheat with you, don't be surprised when they cheat on you.

and that is relevant in a "Friends with benefits" relationship how?

 

[Frission]

Now i read thoguh other posts, and i am disappointed in humanity again.....

I would say the opposite. I stay away from these sort of threads, but I'm pleased that many people are condemning him.
I don't really understand why anyone would need to ask if they're in the wrong. Wouldn't proper human interaction tell you that is a very cruel and dishonorable thing to do? Not to mention highly risky considering that they're both coworkers?

I would be more scared, if no one here cared.

right now im weighing my options on how far i can go without invoking a warning for insults.
and i guess that says it better than anything else.

It seems that i am the only person on the escapist that does not think he is in the wrong. ANd this is a website that i always kept as progressive and smart. I guess the society wasnt changing as fast as i hoped for.

Hey, I'm all for being progressive. What goes in the bedchamber is normally between people, but hiding it is a bit of dick move. At least have the basic human decency of telling the guy.

I also have the impression that alot of people here have been cheated on and believe me, that is not a pleasant thing to undergo.

EDIT: If you haven't noticed most people are condemning him for the cheating and the fact that he's doing it with coworkers, then the part of "friends with benefits". That and the fact that this whole arrangement is liable to blow up. It's basic common sense.

 

[Strazdas]

Hey, I'm all for being progressive. What goes in the bedchamber is normally between people, but hiding it is a bit of dick move. At least have the basic human decency of telling the guy.

I also have the impression that alot of people here have been cheated on and believe me, that is not a pleasant thing to undergo.

Like i said, hiding it is the only wrong thing in my opinion. Cheating is irrelevant. It is up to a woman and a man to have agreed upon sex whenever and with whoever they want. Hiding it from your boyfriend/husband is, obviuosly, not a good thing. however the act itself is the choice of the two and the boyfriend has NO SAY in it.
Yeah, of course it is not a pleasant thing, when you look upon your partner as an item that "Belongs to you" and think her/him cannot think of herself and do what they want. Society endorses such "ownership", and the result we got, well, you can see in this thread.

 

[game-lover]

right now im weighing my options on how far i can go without invoking a warning for insults.
and i guess that says it better than anything else.

It seems that i am the only person on the escapist that does not think he is in the wrong. And this is a website that i always kept as progressive and smart. I guess the society wasnt changing as fast as i hoped for.

Actually, you're not, technically. There have been people on the thread who have said only the female is wrong so there's that.

Of course, you mentioned earlier that you don't think the girlfriend is wrong either and you'd be right in saying you're the only one who thinks so.

Might I ask why, though? You at least consider it cheating, right? Even the people who say it's not their responsibility to police anyone's relationship know cheating is a relatively wrong decision. They just think if you're the person someone is cheating with, it's not on you because you're not the one who made the promise to be faithful.

Or is it that you don't consider it cheating unless they're married? Or she's "bearing his children" as you so put it?

I would like to say that a really big element of cheating is the whole hiding factor which you admit is wrong. But if she wasn't hiding it, it probably wouldn't be cheating because if she didn't feel the need to hide, then it'd be an open relationship. Unless she was such a disrespectful ***** she wanted to rub in her boyfriend's face because she figures she can walk all over him or have no consequences or whatever.

All that aside, No the boyfriend can't exactly tell his girlfriend what to do in that whole literal sense. But he can dump her ass which he'd have every right to do. I look at it like this. If you're in a relationship with someone and you do something that this someone decides or would decide to dump you for, chances are it's the wrong thing to do. It's also the whole promise that tends to come with the agreement to be exclusive thing.

If she's not wrong for the act, then she's wrong for being a liar who can't keep a promise and can't be trusted. You have to at least admit that. And if the boyfriend has NO say in who his girlfriend is fucking. Then she has NO say in what he does as a response.

 

[Vegosiux]

right now im weighing my options on how far i can go without invoking a warning for insults.
and i guess that says it better than anything else.

To me, that only says you're so insecure about your opinions you can't even disagree with a person without insulting them and have to constantly seek validation while fighting opposing viewpoints with tooth and claw as to not have to second-guess yourself.

Let me give you a little hint, mate. Being passive-aggressive, derisive and holier-than-thou towards people because they happen to see things differently than you do is so far from "progressive" it's not even in the same solar system.

and that is relevant in a "Friends with benefits" relationship how?

That's such a pretentiously pathetic expression.

Yeah, of course it is not a pleasant thing, when you look upon your partner as an item that "Belongs to you" and think her/him cannot think of herself and do what they want. Society endorses such "ownership", and the result we got, well, you can see in this thread.

 

[Strazdas]

Might I ask why, though? You at least consider it cheating, right? Even the people who say it's not their responsibility to police anyone's relationship know cheating is a relatively wrong decision. They just think if you're the person someone is cheating with, it's not on you because you're not the one who made the promise to be faithful.

Or is it that you don't consider it cheating unless they're married? Or she's "bearing his children" as you so put it?

All that aside, No the boyfriend can't exactly tell his girlfriend what to do in that whole literal sense. But he can dump her ass which he'd have every right to do. I look at it like this. If you're in a relationship with someone and you do something that this someone decides or would decide to dump you for, chances are it's the wrong thing to do. It's also the whole promise that tends to come with the agreement to be exclusive thing.

If she's not wrong for the act, then she's wrong for being a liar who can't keep a promise and can't be trusted. You have to at least admit that. And if the boyfriend has NO say in who his girlfriend is fucking. Then she has NO say in what he does as a response.

That really depends on what you consider cheating. if you were to define it, then i could answer more correctly.
No such thing as "wrong" decisions. only those that do not benefit one in the end. (and dont think materialistically here, oru whole society is built upon benefitting ourselves, working together and helping others do benefit us).
What promise has any of them made to be faithful? there was no promise presented.

All that aside, No the boyfriend can't exactly tell his girlfriend what to do in that whole literal sense. But he can dump her ass which he'd have every right to do. I look at it like this. If you're in a relationship with someone and you do something that this someone decides or would decide to dump you for, chances are it's the wrong thing to do. It's also the whole promise that tends to come with the agreement to be exclusive thing.

If she's not wrong for the act, then she's wrong for being a liar who can't keep a promise and can't be trusted. You have to at least admit that. And if the boyfriend has NO say in who his girlfriend is fucking. Then she has NO say in what he does as a response.

I fully agree that the "boyfriend" has full right to dump the girl in such situation. that does not make the girlfriend worth condemning.
And yes, you are correct that she is acting badly by lieing. and i agree that she has no say in what he does as a response. however i would still advise him to follow the law, because you know, jail is not a fun place even if your a douche that likes to punch people

To me, that only says you're so insecure about your opinions you can't even disagree with a person without insulting them and have to constantly seek validation while fighting opposing viewpoints with tooth and claw as to not have to second-guess yourself.

Its not that i am insecure in my opinions, its that the rules of this forum, which i have to follow not to get banned, does not always allow me to express them. I try not to get to Ad Hominem (spelling?) as much as i can, but sometimes my bad nature gets better of me. Indeed i do seek validation, because i dont want to live in the world where everyone thinks that such opinion is wrong. any human does that.

As for the rest of your post, i refrain from commenting, looks like your not following your own advice.

 

[game-lover]

That really depends on what you consider cheating. if you were to define it, then i could answer more correctly.
No such thing as "wrong" decisions. only those that do not benefit one in the end. (and dont think materialistically here, oru whole society is built upon benefitting ourselves, working together and helping others do benefit us).
What promise has any of them made to be faithful? there was no promise presented.

Let me start my asking you: How do you define an exclusive relationship? What does that mean to you?

It's always been my impression and therefore a given in my eyes that when you agree to exclusive with another person, you pretty much promise that you're not going to be involved with anyone else in any non platonic fashion. Now some people come people come right out and say that when they get together but for the most part it's implied. Some people have used the phrase that "we were never exclusive" in situations where they sleep with someone else after getting involved with a person already.

With this, I define cheating as being involved with anyone else in a non platonic fashion after you have already established an exclusive relationship with someone before. If you're gonna let yourself be claimed as a boyfriend or girlfriend AND go around claiming someone as YOUR boyfriend/girlfriend, then that's exclusivity. And no one had better be going around acting like a boyfriend or girlfriend with anyone else. Or more generally, if you both decide to be each other's lovers, you can't have any others. Otherwise, what's the point? People should just be single for the rest of their lives so they get all the lovers they want and no attachments.

I fully agree that the "boyfriend" has full right to dump the girl in such situation. that does not make the girlfriend worth condemning.
And yes, you are correct that she is acting badly by lieing. and i agree that she has no say in what he does as a response. however i would still advise him to follow the law, because you know, jail is not a fun place even if your a douche that likes to punch people.

We'll agree to disagree on the first point. I'm of the thought that the boyfriend could be involved with another woman instead of with her. And that he's wasted all his time dealing with her and her bullshit.

And who says he has to punch people? I agree with everyone deeming this triangle in the workplace is a bad idea. If I were him and I'd find out, I'd get HR involved. If they don't lose their jobs, the work grapevine oughta start spreading and that's gonna be a blow to reputations. Everyone knows about people deeming someone as the "work slut." And that's just only a couple possibilities I know can happen. There's probably more I don't know.