Am I justified in being angry about this?

[Alarien]

I personally would've just laughed in his face and sarcastically said "YEAH OH-KAY BUDDY".
[sub]im such a smug arrogant ****[/sub]

Anyway, you have every right to be mad. You are an adult and he's not even your parent, even if he were he has no authority over what you choose to do with your life, I mean you don't even live there by the sounds of it.

Yeah, it's not like he might be the party paying for her college or anything.

His being an ass because of his digital ignorance doesn't justify a child treating someone acting as a partial guardian with a complete and utter lack of respect.

Do what you want with your life and be your own person, but don't go around asserting your right to be a jackass when you're still relying on someone else's dime.

 

[DugMachine]

Yes but at the same time it's his house and by the looks of it his computer "our webcam". You apparently don't live there but using their things still counts for following the rules under his roof. Being 22 doesn't mean a thing if you still have to depend on your parents.

A lot of "adults" need to realize this.

 

[michael87cn]

Personally I would feel sick to my stomach knowing my mother was married to a creature like him.

I would do everything I could to get her away from him and into safety. He sounds abusive and like the type to beat his wife.

Loving family members don't threaten each other, especially not adults... and not over something as RIDICULOUS as a computer.

Above poster is full of it, maturity has nothing to do with finances. Finances come about by help, and luck. If you're GIFTED by a help from well-off parents, GOOD for you! You 'did' it! 'You' achieved independence! 'By yourself'!

If you got lucky, 'good job'! You 'did it'! You 'achieved' something all by yourself! You're an 'adult'!

Atleast, the kind of MASSIVE finances you need to live on your own, do.

 

[Tuxedoman]

Huh. This sounds awfully familiar...
I personally was dealing with this sort of treatment from my stepfather between the ages of 12-17, until I was just like "screw this" and left home. Fortunately I am on very good terms with my actual father still, and he paid for me to go boarding in my final year of high school. After I graduated I moved into a flat with three other people, went to uni and never looked back.

Feel bad that I left my mother there though..

 

[Ilikemilkshake]

If I had said "all homeless people around the world aren't in a bad way and it's unreservedly and unconditionally better than living with a shithead stepfather", then that would have been a different matter.

It didn't sound like that's what you were saying when you dismissed any other perspective in favour of Shakyamuni but okay, we've established that you're talking about what you would do personally and I'm talking about the bigger picture. I still think it's terrible advice to give to someone in the OPs situation but I guess we'll have to agree to disagree.

And for the record, I live in the UK and have used and know many friends and family that have used benefits. We have a Conservative lead government that idolises Thatcher, it shouldn't be so hard to believe that our government is kind of terrible at protecting the most vulnerable in our society.

 

[Ravage]

You were 22 at the time he talked down to you like he did? You're no teenager, you're a grown adult. I'd definitely take it personally. Sounds like he's trying to make you mad.

 

[persephone]

Do you have a right to be angry? Hell yes. He had no right to physically block you from the computer, even if it was his -- that's just creepy of him. I mean, if he wanted you off, all he had to do was ask politely. But he also threatens you, a grown woman who's doing fine in life, with a "you don't want to know what kind of punishment" line? Warning klaxons go off in my head.

Granted, it sounds like he's always like this; you say you and he don't get along, and never have. But that doesn't help anything, really.

It sounds like he's not reacting to you or your actions, honestly. His own children's life choices, his lack of knowledge of technology, and his step-parent-only relationship with you probably combined together, possibly alongside some bad experiences he himself has had, to make him act that way. (Not that that's an excuse!)

He might be irrationally terrified that you'll be sexually abused. Plus some parents, step-parents or otherwise, freak the hell out at even the slightest hint of their children's sexuality -- and if he's one of them, then his experiences with his own children might make him *ridiculously* oversensitive. Note he did say "guys on the internet," not "people on the internet," which to me implies that he might've reacted a lot better if he'd seen a young woman or even an old grandmotherly type wearing a headset on your screen.

Anyway, your post made me wonder two things:
1. How does he treat your mother? Is he controlling towards her?
2. How does he treat women generally? Especially ones in the family?
In other words, I wonder how specific his reaction was to you as opposed to women he feels like he "should" have authority over. Some guys have this creepy-as-fuck, insecure paradigm that they can/should control women, even grown women. This paradigm also often includes unhealthy sexual attitudes and fears that might help explain his actions.

 

[Auron]

He'll die first anyway, so why bother?

 

[CruxisCalling]

Anyway, your post made me wonder two things:
1. How does he treat your mother? Is he controlling towards her?
2. How does he treat women generally? Especially ones in the family?
In other words, I wonder how specific his reaction was to you as opposed to women he feels like he "should" have authority over. Some guys have this creepy-as-fuck, insecure paradigm that they can/should control women, even grown women. This paradigm also often includes unhealthy sexual attitudes and fears that might help explain his actions.

If anything, he has the opposite situation.

1. He and my mother have a good relationship, outside of the few fights that spring up (usually over something like this where their parental styles clash). They have many common friends and he tells them all that she has the authority in the house. He's fairly submissive in general to people that he views as being on his level.

2. The only real interaction I've seen him have with another female (besides his daughter, who he just gives free reign) is with his ex-wife. Even today she's openly controlling of him, which might explain why he's so submissive in the first place. It's almost like he's been trained for it.

I wonder occasionally if his getting overly assertive with me is simply a result of him not knowing how to properly show authority to a woman. Yet I'm the only person I've EVER seen him show authority to at all, so I can't be sure if it's a reflection of him or if it's something that I'm doing that sparks that authoritative personality... I can't think of anything that is a common factor between our interactions when he gets like this, but maybe I'm doing something that I don't notice. Hell, maybe I just resemble his ex or something-- I just don't know.


Edit: Oh, as a note: I cover my own expenses for school, house, and everything else. I go to their home because my house doesn't have a spare water line for a washer and I use the time my clothes are washing to visit my mother. We generally do something together during this time, but because it was Extra Life weekend I asked to stay in.

 

[persephone]

If anything, he has the opposite situation.

1. He and my mother have a good relationship, outside of the few fights that spring up (usually over something like this where their parental styles clash). They have many common friends and he tells them all that she has the authority in the house. He's fairly submissive in general to people that he views as being on his level.

2. The only real interaction I've seen him have with another female (besides his daughter, who he just gives free reign) is with his ex-wife. Even today she's openly controlling of him, which might explain why he's so submissive in the first place. It's almost like he's been trained for it.

I wonder occasionally if his getting overly assertive with me is simply a result of him not knowing how to properly show authority to a woman. Yet I'm the only person I've EVER seen him show authority to at all, so I can't be sure if it's a reflection of him or if it's something that I'm doing that sparks that authoritative personality... I can't think of anything that is a common factor between our interactions when he gets like this, but maybe I'm doing something that I don't notice. Hell, maybe I just resemble his ex or something-- I just don't know.


Edit: Oh, as a note: I cover my own expenses for school, house, and everything else. I go to their home because my house doesn't have a spare water line for a washer and I use the time my clothes are washing to visit my mother. We generally do something together during this time, but because it was Extra Life weekend I asked to stay in.

Wow -- so not only is he totally out of line, this is totally out of character for him, at least in comparison to how he behaves toward most people.

You're right that you could simply happen to resemble someone who controlled him in the past (or still controls him now), so he's lashing out because of that. It could also be that he simply literally has no idea how to properly exert authority of any kind, and so he's completely missing the mark. He's also almost certainly massively overcompensating for the lack of control he seems to have over most of his relationships. This could also be a misguided attempt on his part to make up for not disciplining his daughter by disciplining you, even though it's wildly inappropriate on several levels.

Does he do this sort of thing toward you often, or was this a first time occurrence? You said you two don't get along, but when you clash is this how he normally acts? If it isn't, I'd wonder why his behavior suddenly changed. Is he acting out in response to something else that's happened in his life? If this is atypical for him, I might quietly ask your mother (when he's not around!) if he's all right and everything's okay.

In general none of this sounds like its your fault as near as I can tell. Even if you are doing something to trigger this reaction, the reaction is so out of line and over the top that it would seem to be stemming from a source of psychological pain/damage in your stepfather, as opposed to being a reaction to just you. And he ought to be able to politely talk to you about things that bother him, instead of jumping into the deep end of the overreaction pool like this.

 

[Alarien]

Anyway, your post made me wonder two things:
1. How does he treat your mother? Is he controlling towards her?
2. How does he treat women generally? Especially ones in the family?
In other words, I wonder how specific his reaction was to you as opposed to women he feels like he "should" have authority over. Some guys have this creepy-as-fuck, insecure paradigm that they can/should control women, even grown women. This paradigm also often includes unhealthy sexual attitudes and fears that might help explain his actions.

If anything, he has the opposite situation.

1. He and my mother have a good relationship, outside of the few fights that spring up (usually over something like this where their parental styles clash). They have many common friends and he tells them all that she has the authority in the house. He's fairly submissive in general to people that he views as being on his level.

2. The only real interaction I've seen him have with another female (besides his daughter, who he just gives free reign) is with his ex-wife. Even today she's openly controlling of him, which might explain why he's so submissive in the first place. It's almost like he's been trained for it.

I wonder occasionally if his getting overly assertive with me is simply a result of him not knowing how to properly show authority to a woman. Yet I'm the only person I've EVER seen him show authority to at all, so I can't be sure if it's a reflection of him or if it's something that I'm doing that sparks that authoritative personality... I can't think of anything that is a common factor between our interactions when he gets like this, but maybe I'm doing something that I don't notice. Hell, maybe I just resemble his ex or something-- I just don't know.


Edit: Oh, as a note: I cover my own expenses for school, house, and everything else. I go to their home because my house doesn't have a spare water line for a washer and I use the time my clothes are washing to visit my mother. We generally do something together during this time, but because it was Extra Life weekend I asked to stay in.

Assuming this is all true... and I do assume that, you have no real reason to lie, then it sounds like he resents you for being successful and is looking for how he can put you on the same level as his own failed children. It's also possible that he just doesn't know how to deal with kids from a parent-like perspective at all and you're just bearing the brunt of his frustration. It's not an uncommon issue, frankly.

I think you should step back and breathe before taking this personally. You really don't interact with him much to make a fair judgement it seems. It's also possible that you, being the kid who's not screwed up is the one he's become overly protective of (displacing his protective instincts from his own failure with his kids to you), and that his overreaction to your livestream (omg webcam, aaahhhh) is simply that coming through.

You really have two choices in this matter. Either sit down with him and your mother and have an honest discussion, or just ignore him as he's pretty much out of your hair most of the time anyway.

 

[KOMega]

I think you are justified, but because he is the higher authority in the house you probably can't do much about it unless your end goal is to get him angry.

You'll just have to bite the bullet and deal with him (at least until you can move out), assuming this is the average or the most aggravating he gets.

If he is just plain abusive and on the edge of something you are pretty sure is illegal (I'm just generalizing, I don't know your situation completely.) then you'd better talk to someone or the police at least.

I'd say just try to avoid him in general when you can and go on with your own life as best you can.

Also assuming that he is not abusive and just aggravating, but willing to listen, a calm talk (special highlight on calm) might help.

 

[Queen Michael]

Hell yep you have a right to be mad. He doesn't seem to think that a webcam can ever be used responsibly, which just isn't true. He's ignorant and acts like a bully.

 

[Strazdas]

Can you be angry? sure
Should you be angry? no. As you study to be a lawyer, you should know better. Anger is a disability to humans. It clouds your judgement and make you do things you later regret. Revenge on the other hand....

 

[KingsGambit_v1legacy]

On the one hand, it is sad that he neither trusts you or is interested in trying to. On the other hand, knowing what he is like and (apparently) has been for the entirety of your relationship, it shouldn't come as a surprise that he is true to form.

It's understandable to feel emotional in one form or other, be it resentment, anger, upset or even apathy (on the basis that a lack of an emotional response is itself an emotional response). But considering you won't change because of his comments, and he similarly won't in spite of your accomplishments and ambitions, it serves no purpose. I'm not suggesting handling it Vulcan-style, but have you considered how Spock would handle it? ;-)

Others have said to confront him and say your piece. I propose they are likely younger than your 22 years. You can say something, maybe it will bring about change, maybe it will cause a ruckus, most likely, nothing will change. Will it make you feel better? Say something. Will it make no difference whatsoever? Save your words for when they will. It strikes me that if you did confront him about this issue, you'd be fighting a battle you can't win and don't even need to fight. You're your own woman with a promising future ahead; does a win on this point actually matter?

 

[sweetylnumb]

If it's his computer and his house he can make whatever rules he damn well pleases for whatever reasons he damn well pleases.

Your anger is, however, justifiable... but so are his actions.

Theirs no excuse for physically intimidating your children. Yeah, its his computer, its fair enough if he doesn't want her chatting to boys on it. But standing in front of her and being so confrontational out it is out of line and she should have told him to calm his tits and back the fuck off.

 

[Abomination]

If it's his computer and his house he can make whatever rules he damn well pleases for whatever reasons he damn well pleases.

Your anger is, however, justifiable... but so are his actions.

Theirs no excuse for physically intimidating your children. Yeah, its his computer, its fair enough if he doesn't want her chatting to boys on it. But standing in front of her and being so confrontational out it is out of line and she should have told him to calm his tits and back the fuck off.

She's not his child. She's the adult offspring of his romantic partner.

His house. His money. His computer. His rules. Don't like it? Leave.

 

[sweetylnumb]

If it's his computer and his house he can make whatever rules he damn well pleases for whatever reasons he damn well pleases.

Your anger is, however, justifiable... but so are his actions.

Theirs no excuse for physically intimidating your children. Yeah, its his computer, its fair enough if he doesn't want her chatting to boys on it. But standing in front of her and being so confrontational out it is out of line and she should have told him to calm his tits and back the fuck off.

She's not his child. She's the adult offspring of his romantic partner.

His house. His money. His computer. His rules. Don't like it? Leave.

Yeah, no. If he claims parental authority, he has to act like a parent. You can't have your cake and eat it too. And by that logic everyone can do anything and everyone else just has to deal with it or fuck off.

No, there are rules and etiquette in society for a reason and not using your physical strength and presence to intimidate your child (or a child you've taken responsibility of) is one of them. The rules part is fine. He can have rules. He can enforce said rules. Within the limits of acceptable behavior.