Ok, so I'm in a pretty happy relationship (going on 5 years together now) but recently I've been having this weird feeling and I want to know what you guys think. Is this a common issue? Is he the asshole or am I the asshole? And what should I do?
Here's the issue. I'm in a relationship where we established that everything should be 50-50. We split it all 50-50, whether it's money, how much effort we put for each other, etc. But now, there are some factors and events that have made me start to question whether this philosophy will work in the long-term.
I'm naturally a generous person. I don't mind going above and beyond for the people I care about, and I don't mind giving and helping complete strangers with no expectation of anything back. So I often put in more than what he wants to put in, and I'm like "I'm just doing this because I want to". So, if I start expecting him to do as much as me (which he often just can't because it's more difficult for him and comes less naturally for him than for me), or if I get upset about him not doing as much as me, he can easily blame me for bringing it on myself because he never asked for extra nice treatment in the first place.
If you want more details/background about my relationship:
Basically, our "splitting everything 50-50" attitude is becoming a problem, particularly now that the situation has changed from him being the "poor" one, to me now being the "poor" one. When we go out for anything, it's still split 50-50, even though when you compare the price of the meal to the price of our incomes, it would be like 0.001% for him and like 30% for me, but we still do it out of principle of equality. Also the car issue (see spoiler).
Ok, so, thoughts?
Here's the issue. I'm in a relationship where we established that everything should be 50-50. We split it all 50-50, whether it's money, how much effort we put for each other, etc. But now, there are some factors and events that have made me start to question whether this philosophy will work in the long-term.
I'm naturally a generous person. I don't mind going above and beyond for the people I care about, and I don't mind giving and helping complete strangers with no expectation of anything back. So I often put in more than what he wants to put in, and I'm like "I'm just doing this because I want to". So, if I start expecting him to do as much as me (which he often just can't because it's more difficult for him and comes less naturally for him than for me), or if I get upset about him not doing as much as me, he can easily blame me for bringing it on myself because he never asked for extra nice treatment in the first place.
If you want more details/background about my relationship:
To sum up our personalities and the kind of couple we are, we're basically a nerd couple who found each other on the internet and we make the same jokes and like games and other nerdy stuff. We're basically best friends who also crushed on each other and we pretty much joke around 24/7 and are VERY RARELY serious or grown up and treat each other like bros. So that will give you an idea of how we're not really a traditional guy-girl pairing where I was "courted" or anything.
When we went out for dates, or had holidays, or basically anything money-related, we would split everything 50-50 because it's like 2 friends going out. We were both studying when we first dated.
When we started dating officially, my boyfriend moved interstate to be with me and lived with me and my parents for a few months while he looked for work and a new place. We never asked for rent or anything from him.
When it comes to domestic tasks, we also split it 50-50, but it didn't used to be.. I've had to "train" him over the years to do his share because he's overall lazier and messier than me when it comes to domestic maintenance (and I'm not a neat person myself if that gives you an idea). Now he's good, though.
Now he works a stable job that pays pretty well, and I work as a freelancer but it's a bit of a struggle for me because I'm starting out in a creative career so I don't have much money. He lives on his own.
So here comes one example of something that has bothered me recently: Neither of us have seen it necessary to have a car. We both catch public transport for the most part, and we get lifts from my dad when it's necessary. But my dad is actually getting quite old (i.e. past retirement age) and has cataracts (even after surgery he still can't see that well) and I don't feel comfortable about this arrangement anymore and I feel it's unfair to my dad. But I actually can't afford a car and I also haven't got a license. My boyfriend does. Ok, so I've brought up the topic of "maybe we need a car?" and his first response is "Why don't you get one then?
" but obviously the more practical person to get a car right now is him because he has the money and the license. His response is "Why don't you get a job and license then? ". If I further push the issue that my dad can't keep driving us, he will just say that he will be happy to walk everywhere and never get lifts, and even though that's difficult, it will save money. I'm thinking "Fair enough, but a car would seriously benefit the both of us", but his attitude is "Why am I the one who needs to get it? You will just get free rides. It's just as beneficial if you get it." It annoys me so I have just said "fine" and left the issue for now.
Here's another one. I got really sad last Valentine's because we didn't do anything and I didn't get anything. But at the same time I felt like I was to blame because we actually agreed beforehand that we don't need gifts or anything and we were both busy around that time anyway. My girl friends got super incensed when I told them this and said that it's his "responsibility" to give me something, at least a $2 rose or some shitty thing as a sentiment that he cares. I still can't help but feel I'm to blame as well because of our "ultra-equality let's be lazy together" agreement, and that it's sexist to expect him to give me something but not the other way around. So, I've tried to just suppress the sadness in the name of equality as well.
Oh! One more thing I forgot to add. My boyfriend is also particularly guarded/sensitive about the money issue because his first love took advantage of him and swindled a lot of money out of him. I figure that's why he's insistent on all money and expenses being equal. But while I'm mindful of how he's had this kind of trauma from a gold-digger-y ex, at the same time I'm a little bit annoyed at how he takes such a guarded attitude to his money even though after all these years I've proven to be a generous person and I'm pretty certain that money-wise I've actually spent way more on him than he has on me and yet he still doesn't seem to trust me. For example, he will keep track of every time I need to borrow a few dollars or cents out of practical reasons, yet completely forget all the times I've actually paid for his things, because I would do it happily without even thinking, whereas he would glare at me and look annoyed and do it reluctantly.
When we went out for dates, or had holidays, or basically anything money-related, we would split everything 50-50 because it's like 2 friends going out. We were both studying when we first dated.
When we started dating officially, my boyfriend moved interstate to be with me and lived with me and my parents for a few months while he looked for work and a new place. We never asked for rent or anything from him.
When it comes to domestic tasks, we also split it 50-50, but it didn't used to be.. I've had to "train" him over the years to do his share because he's overall lazier and messier than me when it comes to domestic maintenance (and I'm not a neat person myself if that gives you an idea). Now he's good, though.
Now he works a stable job that pays pretty well, and I work as a freelancer but it's a bit of a struggle for me because I'm starting out in a creative career so I don't have much money. He lives on his own.
So here comes one example of something that has bothered me recently: Neither of us have seen it necessary to have a car. We both catch public transport for the most part, and we get lifts from my dad when it's necessary. But my dad is actually getting quite old (i.e. past retirement age) and has cataracts (even after surgery he still can't see that well) and I don't feel comfortable about this arrangement anymore and I feel it's unfair to my dad. But I actually can't afford a car and I also haven't got a license. My boyfriend does. Ok, so I've brought up the topic of "maybe we need a car?" and his first response is "Why don't you get one then?
" but obviously the more practical person to get a car right now is him because he has the money and the license. His response is "Why don't you get a job and license then? ". If I further push the issue that my dad can't keep driving us, he will just say that he will be happy to walk everywhere and never get lifts, and even though that's difficult, it will save money. I'm thinking "Fair enough, but a car would seriously benefit the both of us", but his attitude is "Why am I the one who needs to get it? You will just get free rides. It's just as beneficial if you get it." It annoys me so I have just said "fine" and left the issue for now.Here's another one. I got really sad last Valentine's because we didn't do anything and I didn't get anything. But at the same time I felt like I was to blame because we actually agreed beforehand that we don't need gifts or anything and we were both busy around that time anyway. My girl friends got super incensed when I told them this and said that it's his "responsibility" to give me something, at least a $2 rose or some shitty thing as a sentiment that he cares. I still can't help but feel I'm to blame as well because of our "ultra-equality let's be lazy together" agreement, and that it's sexist to expect him to give me something but not the other way around. So, I've tried to just suppress the sadness in the name of equality as well.
Oh! One more thing I forgot to add. My boyfriend is also particularly guarded/sensitive about the money issue because his first love took advantage of him and swindled a lot of money out of him. I figure that's why he's insistent on all money and expenses being equal. But while I'm mindful of how he's had this kind of trauma from a gold-digger-y ex, at the same time I'm a little bit annoyed at how he takes such a guarded attitude to his money even though after all these years I've proven to be a generous person and I'm pretty certain that money-wise I've actually spent way more on him than he has on me and yet he still doesn't seem to trust me. For example, he will keep track of every time I need to borrow a few dollars or cents out of practical reasons, yet completely forget all the times I've actually paid for his things, because I would do it happily without even thinking, whereas he would glare at me and look annoyed and do it reluctantly.
Basically, our "splitting everything 50-50" attitude is becoming a problem, particularly now that the situation has changed from him being the "poor" one, to me now being the "poor" one. When we go out for anything, it's still split 50-50, even though when you compare the price of the meal to the price of our incomes, it would be like 0.001% for him and like 30% for me, but we still do it out of principle of equality. Also the car issue (see spoiler).
Ok, so, thoughts?
