This is an open letter to Director Michael Bay, the man behind such major motion pictures as Bad Boyz, Bad Boyz II, Pearl Harbor, Armageddon, and Transformers. You are free to add as much pro or con Michael Bay stuff as you like. We're not actually going to send it to him, but let's see what you all think. I'll start first.
Dear Mr. Bay,
I write to you after slogging through your most recent released film, Transformers. It might be too late, but I have only just seen it, as the options for HBO On Demand tonite were either your movie, or the original film version of Buffy the Vampire Slayer (and I did grapple with the decision for a good five minutes) and, let me be clear, I would not have paid money to see your film (my cable provider has generously provided us with HBO On Demand free for 1 year for switching to digital early). Now, I was a fan of Transformers growing up, as well as it's spin-off series Beast Wars. And I just have one thing to say to you: Please Stop.
I understand that Transformers, being Japanese in origin, a people who traditionally have a radically different culture than us Americans, can be hard to understand and may have lost something in translation from it's original animated version to the live-action film. I believe it was plot. Yes, I realize, the 30 minute episodes weren't exactly constructed like a Faulkner novel, but they still had more sense and reason than what you made. I realize also that you may have some difficulty with the concept behind plot, seeing as how it often goes more than two minutes without exploding, but I still see no reason to cut all of it from your film. What I watched was unrelenting action, occasionally punctuated with references to the TV show for the fanboys, and on one horrendous occasion, an allusion to your own movie, included with nonsensical camera cuts during the action so that I got more face time with Shia LaBeouf (usually cowering, or enduring life-ending injuries with only minor scratches) during fight scenes than with the actual Transformers who were fighting. There's a reason the show was called Transformers and not "Spike/Sam Witwicky ft. Some Giant Robots From Space."
I know, I know, your previous attempt at a plot-driven storyline, Pearl Harbor was perceived as a commercial disaster. This may be because the war-movie/love-triangle story is about as old and tired as it was in 1970, and it was already in the ground then. You know what would've been a good story? A movie entirely about Cuba Gooding Jr's character. But the ship has sailed on that one. No pun intended. Also, I would've killed Ben Affleck's character off, because it was the less predictable of the two. And you already let him live in Armageddon.
Speaking of Armageddon, I take fault with it too. Not too long ago, I got Deep Impact out of the library, and I have to say, you (and your writing team) are hacks in comparison. I understand one of your writers was JJ Abrams, so I'm not surprised. Besides the concept of oil rig workers going into space being ridiculous (especially the part where the obese guy passes his health tests, which I assume he must have), and the 168 scientific inaccuracies that NASA has discovered, whereas in your movie, humanity seems content to (paraphrasing from another sci-fi movie) "go silently into the night," the general populace in Deep Impact have no such calm with their own demise, instead behaving as a species confronted with their own extinction might (ie. violence).
You ought to be ashamed. If your talent took liquid form, it wouldn't fill a thimble.
Good Luck in Your Future Endeavors,
HobbesMkII
PS. wgreer's post about Sector 7 has reminded me about one of my initial gripes with watching the Transformers. It is this: Why the fuck did you do that to John Turturro?!!
Dear Mr. Bay,
I write to you after slogging through your most recent released film, Transformers. It might be too late, but I have only just seen it, as the options for HBO On Demand tonite were either your movie, or the original film version of Buffy the Vampire Slayer (and I did grapple with the decision for a good five minutes) and, let me be clear, I would not have paid money to see your film (my cable provider has generously provided us with HBO On Demand free for 1 year for switching to digital early). Now, I was a fan of Transformers growing up, as well as it's spin-off series Beast Wars. And I just have one thing to say to you: Please Stop.
I understand that Transformers, being Japanese in origin, a people who traditionally have a radically different culture than us Americans, can be hard to understand and may have lost something in translation from it's original animated version to the live-action film. I believe it was plot. Yes, I realize, the 30 minute episodes weren't exactly constructed like a Faulkner novel, but they still had more sense and reason than what you made. I realize also that you may have some difficulty with the concept behind plot, seeing as how it often goes more than two minutes without exploding, but I still see no reason to cut all of it from your film. What I watched was unrelenting action, occasionally punctuated with references to the TV show for the fanboys, and on one horrendous occasion, an allusion to your own movie, included with nonsensical camera cuts during the action so that I got more face time with Shia LaBeouf (usually cowering, or enduring life-ending injuries with only minor scratches) during fight scenes than with the actual Transformers who were fighting. There's a reason the show was called Transformers and not "Spike/Sam Witwicky ft. Some Giant Robots From Space."
I know, I know, your previous attempt at a plot-driven storyline, Pearl Harbor was perceived as a commercial disaster. This may be because the war-movie/love-triangle story is about as old and tired as it was in 1970, and it was already in the ground then. You know what would've been a good story? A movie entirely about Cuba Gooding Jr's character. But the ship has sailed on that one. No pun intended. Also, I would've killed Ben Affleck's character off, because it was the less predictable of the two. And you already let him live in Armageddon.
Speaking of Armageddon, I take fault with it too. Not too long ago, I got Deep Impact out of the library, and I have to say, you (and your writing team) are hacks in comparison. I understand one of your writers was JJ Abrams, so I'm not surprised. Besides the concept of oil rig workers going into space being ridiculous (especially the part where the obese guy passes his health tests, which I assume he must have), and the 168 scientific inaccuracies that NASA has discovered, whereas in your movie, humanity seems content to (paraphrasing from another sci-fi movie) "go silently into the night," the general populace in Deep Impact have no such calm with their own demise, instead behaving as a species confronted with their own extinction might (ie. violence).
You ought to be ashamed. If your talent took liquid form, it wouldn't fill a thimble.
Good Luck in Your Future Endeavors,
HobbesMkII
PS. wgreer's post about Sector 7 has reminded me about one of my initial gripes with watching the Transformers. It is this: Why the fuck did you do that to John Turturro?!!
