delanofilms said:
By this I mean a complete lack of self esteem.
I hate myself. When I was a child I had an IQ test and was told a minimum of 140, but I have severe dyslexia, and it really fucks me up. I recently looked in the riddles thread and found myself utterly unable to answer any of the riddles at all, save for those that I had heard before. It made me feel like a complete intellectual failure and utterly depressed me.
Anyone else get like this? I feel this way nearly every day and often am left yearning for death.
Am I the only one this fucked up? It really seems this way considering the fact that I have to take Zoloft in order to keep from snapping in a massive anxiety attack and killing so many of the assholes around me.
And a quick preemptive note to all those why will inevitably say that this is just a desperate plea for attention - NO SHIT!
Well, how do I put this...
Yes. As long as I can remember, I've been the odd one out. Other students would literally be like, "eww!" whenever I was the subject of conversation, regardless of whether or not I was there to hear it.
Real Example 1
"I wonder what it'd be like if she went to the ball with him."
"Eww, haha."
Real Example 2
"I went and saw The Matrix Reloaded last weekend. So did Daniel."
"Yeah, but you wouldn't want to talk to him about it. I mean, eww."
And whenever I gained any self-confidence at all, it wouldn't be long before someone'd take it away from me. Even my friends were like, "You need a girlfriend".
Real Example -
Me: (walks into the classroom) I feel like shit.
Dave: You look like shit.
And my dad didn't help much either. His idea of a good solution for me is pills. I'm not taking pills for that problem. Ever. Also, thanks to him I can literally no longer tell real compliments from sarcasm. I'm not used to receiving compliments. It makes me feel... weird.
Sure, I may feel like dying every now and then. I wonder if the fact that I actually want to plan my own death makes me messed up. But that's because I'm tired of being controlled. After 20 years of being completely controlled by my parents in every facet of my life, including having to be in bed with the lights off at 10pm (at 19 years of age with a full-time job), I want to control my own life and my eventual death, which I hope will be suicide and not something accidental or stupid. I plan on it when the time comes and when I'm ready to leave the world, but overwhelming self-pity won't have anything to do with it. I'm way better than that.
That being said, while I am often yearning for death like the OP, I do sometimes feel it would be better if I could just take my immense rage out on the Stupid People(tm) that I have to deal with. I'd start with that white supremacist midget who repeatedly approached me (even on his own while I had friends walking with me) in high school despite the obvious fact that he was four years younger than me and half my height - I could have literally kneed him in the face. He was that short. I'd love to commence long psychological (and eventually physical) torture on the idiot. He deserves no less.
I do hate people sometimes.
I'm still not sure if all of this means I'm fucked up in the head though. Maybe I am. And I'm okay with it. I'm not hurting anyone.
Yet.
That being said, I'm not exactly sure how long I can hold back if my dad does yet another thing to make me want to cut him. He doesn't have anything against spurring me on, either. Whenever he pissed me off to the point where I actually pleaded with him to just shut up and stop having a go at me because I was scared of what would happen if I just completely lost it and hurt him, he considered me to be threatening him and just added more punishments onto the punishments he already gave me. He wouldn't ever stop. He wouldn't ever shut up.
And you think you're fucked up? To be honest I think you're lucky. Lucky that you're not me.
I'm surprised I haven't killed him yet. I'm glad I eventually moved out, it was only a matter of time before someone got stabbed.
