Anyone else think that the way we ask people out is incredibly messed up?

[ImBigBob]

There are so many "dating guides" out there that tell you to just "be confident", saying that the mere acting of going up and talking to someone does most of the work for you. Yet that still fails for many guys because they're nervous about approaching complete strangers.

Here's the thing: THEY SHOULD BE. I've come to the conclusion lately that the standard advice given about asking people out assumes that the person of interest is someone you don't (or barely) know. And that's really stupid. I've met people of girls who I found attractive until the moment the opened their mouth, and I lost interest because of how much of an idiot they were. Even if they aren't a complete idiot right off the bat, that's no guarantee you will get along. Religious and political views can be a massive dealbreaker. Maybe they're busy with school or a difficult project and don't have time to date. Hell, even if you two do have a lot in common, there's plenty of little things that might mess things up.

I've heard dating advice of "find someone you're attracted to, then find out what they like and try to get involved". Isn't that the opposite of how it should be? Shouldn't you first find activities you like and use them to meet people you're more likely to get along with? The approach of "ask out a complete stranger in the hopes that you might be compatible no matter how low the odds are"? Not to mention, "Call Me Maybe" is a popular song that glorifies the stupidity of it. Grr.

Captcha: Who, what, where. How does it know?

 

[Realitycrash]

There are so many "dating guides" out there that tell you to just "be confident", saying that the mere acting of going up and talking to someone does most of the work for you. Yet that still fails for many guys because they're nervous about approaching complete strangers.

It also fails for many guys, and girls, because just because you manage to approach a simple stranger, doesn't mean the stranger has any interest in you.

Honestly, I think our current situation is very simple: Find a person you find attractive, go talk to said person, hope said person finds you attractive too, and that said person isn't taken, and you share some hobbies.
That's what I do, and I don't see the problem with it 'not working'.
It works just fine, it's just that there are a limited amount of individuals that actually meet these criteria (Attraction, interest, not already taken).

But sure, you can go and find people with the same interests as you, and look for attractive people there. That's all fine....Exceeeept then you are limiting yourself to just the people in that very tightly knitted social group, and fail to notice that people might be interesting, even if they do not share your interests.

 

[Duck Sandwich]

Here's the thing: THEY SHOULD BE. I've come to the conclusion lately that the standard advice given about asking people out assumes that the person of interest is someone you don't (or barely) know. And that's really stupid. I've met people of girls who I found attractive until the moment the opened their mouth, and I lost interest because of how much of an idiot they were. Even if they aren't a complete idiot right off the bat, that's no guarantee you will get along. Religious and political views can be a massive dealbreaker. Maybe they're busy with school or a difficult project and don't have time to date. Hell, even if you two do have a lot in common, there's plenty of little things that might mess things up.

I've heard dating advice of "find someone you're attracted to, then find out what they like and try to get involved". Isn't that the opposite of how it should be? Shouldn't you first find activities you like and use them to meet people you're more likely to get along with? The approach of "ask out a complete stranger in the hopes that you might be compatible no matter how low the odds are"? Not to mention, "Call Me Maybe" is a popular song that glorifies the stupidity of it. Grr.

Captcha: Who, what, where. How does it know?

I agree with this 100%. I find the idea of going to bars/nightclubs to find a date ridiculous. You know absolutely nothing about them aside from how they look. That, and most clubs have music so ridiculously loud that you have to yell for the person right in front of you to hear you.

I dated a girl once that was pretty much a complete stranger. I ended up with an overly attached girlfriend who bored me to death by rambling on about crap that I had absolutely *no* interest in.

 

[GrimTuesday]

I agree, we do do things quite oddly. I mean, how can a female know I'm a suitable mate when she can see how red my butt is. Apparently exposing yourself in public is a "crime", and women tend to run screaming when you drop you pants and start whooping shaking you swollen red buttocks, I just don't get it.

 

[ImBigBob]

Many reasons for this.

First off, a lot of people don't feel comfortable if they're not dating. No matter what you chalk this up to, the trend is present. For many people, dating some random guy or woman even though theres only a very faint chance they'll be compatible is better than not dating at all.

Second, this advice a lot of you guys get dished out, you know, the whole "talking to random bitches" thing, it isn't meant to be a method to find your soul mate, not mainly anyway.

I won't sugar coat it, a lot of guys on internet forums and dating sites are socially awkward as hell. If you are, and you say, open a thread asking how to get into dating (while making it obvious you're not exactly the smoothest ************ on the block), people will give you the aforementioned advice so you can get yourself out there, get over your anxiety or whatever it is that is holding you back. That way you'll be ready when the right girl comes along. Theres a small chance you'll develop some kind of extremely romantic thing with that random girl you randomly chatted up in the coffee shop, but it's very small. Most people know this. We're not that fucking stupid.

Third, and the most important one by far. The alternative you are suggesting, well, I'd love to see it in practice. Are you going to go into town once a week and ask every woman there to fill out a form in which they detail their interests and plans? Of course you're not going to, because that would be ridiculous, creepy and even more inefficient than the standard we have now. The only way you can realistically find out whether you and a woman or man fit together is by talking to the bloody person.

I can hear you right now though. "Oh Smash!", you say. "But theres already dating sites that do just that! You can check someones hobbies and interests and plans to see if you suit each other!" Well, fuck that. There are loads of couples out there that, at a glance and maybe even after a long hard look, just shouldn't be fucking working. I mean, I'm a fucking DOTA playing metalhead who likes 2deep4u movies and wants to have kids some day. My girlfriend is a Twitter using Alternative addict who can actually enjoy romantic comedies. If I had seen that shit listed somewhere when I met her I would have jumped on a plane back to Britain to put more distance between me and her. Luckily, I didn't, and right now shit is going great.

Actually, I have tried dating sites before. And honestly, I'm perfectly fine with not matching up 100%. As long as a girl is cute and sane, I'd be fine with at least trying a date to see if things click. Hell, if she's different enough, maybe she could introduce me to some things I wouldn't have considered otherwise.

But in three months I was on it, I only managed to get a date with a single girl (who was actually very nice, we just didn't hit it off for whatever reason). I even got canceled on multiple times. It's like people actually prefer knowing absolutely nothing about a person before asking them out.

 

[Andy Shandy]

Possibly, but I have a solution to everybody's problems. Man, women, children!...Okay perhaps not children

Just simply read this guide, made by one hell of a 'playa'

http://www.textfiles.com/100/lay-girl.txt

Follow this guide and to quote the genius himself, you'll be on "the kings way", baby!

[sub] You should all thank KungFu_Teddybear (I think?) for finding this originally. I was in tears by the end of it XD [/sub]

 

[Wadders]

I agree, we do do things quite oddly. I mean, how can a female know I'm a suitable mate when she can see how red my butt is. Apparently exposing yourself in public is a "crime", and women tend to run screaming when you drop you pants and start whooping shaking you swollen red buttocks, I just don't get it.

Hmm, this is a difficult one, I feel for you bro.

I've heard that baring your teeth, screeching and beating on your chest to demonstrate your strength and dominance can work wonders for your sex life. Make sure you do it in a crowded public area so everyone can see how much of a fucking badass you are. Females are bound to recognize your eligibility as a mate once you show everyone whose boss.

 

[Kopikatsu]

The best relationships come from dating close friends. Since, a relationship is basically just a close friendship with slightly more physical contact anyway.

I don't understand the desire to go pick up dudes/chicks at places like Nightclubs either. I don't actually know why people go to those places in the first place. They're super dark, it's a mega mosh pit, it's so loud that it feels like your brain is going to melt out of your ears, and drunk people are obnoxious as shit. Also, dry humping each other is not dancing.

 

[hazabaza1]

Possibly, but I have a solution to everybody's problems. Man, women, children!...Okay perhaps not children

Just simply read this guide, made by one hell of a 'playa'

http://www.textfiles.com/100/lay-girl.txt

Follow this guide and to quote the genius himself, you'll be on "the kings way", baby!

[sub] You should all thank KungFu_Teddybear (I think?) for finding this originally. I was in tears by the end of it XD [/sub]

Oh shit, son.
Now I know what I was doing wrong. All has been revealed!

 

[lechat]

woulda thought facebook and shit would have fixed most of those problems by now

1. ask girl for facebook instead of phone number/date

2. browse interests and do some chatting (make sure she isnt a bieber fan)

if all goes well start dating if not hook up with her friends

 

[Vault101]

but then theres the whole "freindzone" thing...like aprently if you don't ask her out right off the bat you'll end up freinds..or somthing

 

[Doclector]

In my opinion, the way normal people do almost everything is incredibly messed up. Particularly dating. It's body language wrapped up in codes locked in a rubix cube of awkwardness held in a vault to which you cannot gain entrance without knowing all the necessary unwritten, even unspoken rules of occupying said vault.

But of course, what do I know? About us much as anyone else, probably. Which isn't much. Probability is, that not knowing much doesn't faze most people, whereas it practically stops people like me in their tracks.

 

[Vault101]

Possibly, but I have a solution to everybody's problems. Man, women, children!...Okay perhaps not children

Just simply read this guide, made by one hell of a 'playa'

http://www.textfiles.com/100/lay-girl.txt

Follow this guide and to quote the genius himself, you'll be on "the kings way", baby!

[sub] You should all thank KungFu_Teddybear (I think?) for finding this originally. I was in tears by the end of it XD [/sub]

that was almost as disturbing as it was poorly spelt 0_0 I mean

[quote/]Let her talk. If she has a lot to say - just listen.
A node with the head and some leading questions will do.[/quote]
the fuck?, and thats not even the worse part...it gets a little rapey

 

[NinjaDeathSlap]

Well, I've often heard advice telling people that, if they want to find someone that they actually have common ground with for something serious, they should go to groups for their hobbies and areas of interest, so they do already kind of tell you to do that first. However, when it comes to actually asking someone out on a date, I think it's safe for the people giving advice to assume that you already find this person attractive.

 

[DoPo]

You need a 'hook'.

See, you say that but it has never worked out for me.

I don't think chicks dig it as much as you think they do. You probably have a good car and money or something - all I have is this old and battered van - the paint is beginning to peel and even the windows are broken, so I had to board them up as I can't afford to fix the vehicle.

[quote/]Let her talk. If she has a lot to say - just listen.
A node with the head and some leading questions will do.

the fuck?, and thats not even the worse part...it gets a little rapey[/quote]

No, please go on, what else do you think is wrong with it? ...hold on, how do I "node" my head now? Is...is that something a head is even supposed to be able to do or do you have to take, like, yoga or something to do it? Aww, shoo, now I missed my chance with Vault.

(By the way, why is the guide missing the last part - "Actually doing it"? Is...this a good thing or not?)

 

[Nightvalien]

Best way to ask someone out is just say, "Hey, we could both do worse", it works trust me.