As a man, have dating sites worked for you? What am I doing wrong?(Updated info)

[Avalanche91]

Also, side note, if any Dutchies are on here, got a recommendation?

Tried online dating a while myself, but the male/female ratio is too skewered for my liking. If you're looking for a decent free dutch site I suggest Paiq. It isn't ideal and kinda slow if you don't want to spend money but I did actually get a date out of it. I mean, it didn't work out but it is something.

Good luck Lange Straat.

Huh, never heard of that one, i'll give it a shot.

Out of curiosity, how did the date work out?

Not bad really.

We agreed to meet up in Amsterdam. She was short and spunky and lived there for most of her life so she could guide me around. So we walked around the city, went to see the Hobbit 2, went out for drinks and talked a lot about our favorite movies. She was more a 'The Butler' person while I am more an 'the Avengers' kinda guy. There was no attraction from either of us, but I like to think we had a fun night.

Hope you have better luck though.

 

[stroopwafel]

As a woman who uses dating sites, something I often have to point out to guys in your situation is the sheer amount of messages that pretty much every young, vaguely attractive woman gets.

Well, I'd rephrase that to every woman. I know a woman from work who's in her fifties and even she gets bombarded by messages often from guys 20 years younger. Most of its just cut&paste but a lot of it seems genuine. Now she isn't bad looking at all for her age but the amount of attention she gets on dating sites is just ridiculous. Good for a woman's self-esteem I guess? I don't know. My colleague's 'popularity' among much younger guys have now become somewhat of a running gag though, in no small part thanks to herself making fun of it.

But yeah b/c of this huge statistical difference as a guy internet dating is pretty much pointless. Ofcourse you can always try but its something to keep in mind.

 

[HardkorSB]

Think about this:
If you were a woman, would the profile you've created work on you?
Just assume that a woman goes through dozens of profiles daily. What makes your profile stand out?
In my opinion, your profile seems boring, generic and shows no personality. There's probably hundreds of thousands of profiles that are exactly the same, with different hobbies listed.
If you make a profile like that, you better look amazing, otherwise a woman will forget about you in less than a minute.

Throw in a joke or 2 in there, maybe a mild tease that's vaguely sexual but not offensive.
Take one of your interests and explain why exactly you like it.
The key word is EFFORT.

Imagine you're creating an ad for a product, except the product is you.

 

[Scars Unseen]

On the one hand, I met my wife through a dating site.

On the other hand, we are getting divorced.

Further research is required.

 

[Xman490]

Women are outnumbered on dating sites, so it really does feel like you're being swarmed a lot of the time.

I read some statistics that women are much more likely to use serious dating sites like eHarmony than more casual sites like OKCupid and Match. Is that true, or are the proportions you state pervasive? I've noticed that plenty of girls complain about not having dates from 9Gag posts, though those are less common than "friendzoned guy" posts.

 

[Odbarc]

1) Get a picture with friends or family that are acting like friends where you are center of the photo so you look like you have social status. Never comment on that aspect or it appears forced and fake. Smile. In fact, everyone should be smiling.

2) Remove things that are specific. Generalize so there's a question to be answered. Instead of saying your favorite actor/writer, say you look movies or books. Go into detail when prompted.

3) Describe your career path / goal. Look motivated so you seem successful before you actually are.

4) Most important. First reply said it best; The Shotgun technique. Send messages to many many women. Maybe 10 different women every day. Copy/Paste the message you send them to make it for you to come up with something you can tell any/every woman.


I've had terrible results with online dating sites. 0 responses. Good luck.

 

[Eamar]

4) Most important. First reply said it best; The Shotgun technique. Send messages to many many women. Maybe 10 different women every day. Copy/Paste the message you send them to make it for you to come up with something you can tell any/every woman.

I'm sorry, but that's terrible advice. Sending a generic, copy/pasted message is an excellent way to get a woman to just delete your message without a second thought, and (depending on how many other guys have tried the same thing on her that day) possibly piss her off. Unless you are particularly good looking, you are highly unlikely to succeed with this technique.

See my first post for more information on why this is the case.

 

[TekMoney]

4) Most important. First reply said it best; The Shotgun technique. Send messages to many many women. Maybe 10 different women every day. Copy/Paste the message you send them to make it for you to come up with something you can tell any/every woman.

Or you could only contact women you're actually interested in. Someone you actually like is a better foundation for a relationship than a random person who spoke to you.

 

[Weaver]

It's never worked for me at all. Oh well, I eventually just gave up on it to be honest.

 

[giantgemclips]

I've had great luck with dating sites. Mostly Match.com. A bit with OKCupid. I don't mind paying as there are perks and quite frankly, you're going to be investing in your relationship anyway (dinner, theater, sports "whatever") so don't skimp. Honestly, most women hate cheap men. Read: this does not mean they like men who aren't financially responsible. But if you come across as petty and cheap it just looks bad.

My advice?

Get other pictures that are just you hanging out or at least get some nice headshot photos (what I use along with the "this is me playing guitar"). Your not a bad looking guy but that looks like a passport photo.

Actually read their profile and WRITE SOMETHING TO THEM. Seriously, I can't tell you how many women I know who have shown me what guys write to them. Mostly "hey, wassup" or "what you doing" or "Hey there".

Seriously a friend of mine showed me pages of this stuff.

Also "be yourself.". really. Be yourself. Do not change yourself to "fit" what some attractive woman wants. It's just not worth it. You will find someone who likes you for "you". I promise. you just have to be patient and be "ok" with being single.

also, don't take rejection badly. Do you know what is fun and exciting? Being with a woman who WANTS to be with you. If someone isn't interested in you then that's the best thing you can know because it frees you up to find someone who actually is "into you". As a woman I dated once said "there is a lid for every pot". And I've seen/witnessed/experienced this and it's true. You might take some time to find a good fit but that should be "ok". Desperate never plays well. Work on you as a person.

Do you know what's attractive to women? Men who are doing things, men who have some plan (and it doesn't have to be about "making money") just be interested in things and actively do things. Many women don't like slugs who can't make up their mind and leave plans up to them all the time.

Work on your confidence, be confident in who you are and what you are about. Be a gentleman. Some men say that women don't like nice guys and that's just not true. They don't like "weenie" guys". There is a difference. And would you really want to date someone who only wanted to date an ass if that's not who you are? And if you are an ass well there are plenty of woman who do like that. Just be clear on the type of person you want. You'll do "ok". Good Luck!

good luck.

 

[Alandoril]

Nope, never worked. Well, not with finding women at least.

The problem I find with most women is that their profiles give you nothing to really go on as far as conversation starters go, so it makes the initial contact incredibly awkward or just not worth it in the first place.

I've pretty much given up to be fair. Managed to arranged two dates in about six years I've been using them, and both women stood me up. So yeah...

And no, I don't look like a Cardassian irl

 

[Robert Marrs]

Its never worked for me but I am pretty lazy about it. I usually won't really message anyone so that is pretty much on me. It just seems weird to randomly message someone online. It shouldn't be weird because everyone is there for the same thing but it just bothers me.

 

[beigelibrarian]

Man, I lost my post twice. Sucky.

Anyway, I've had decent luck with Grindr, though I'm not really sure to what extent that counts as a dating service. Here's some tips that aren't too gender-specific, however:

1. Various obvious stuff: don't wear a trenchcoat or a fedora in your profile pictures. If you have facial hair, keep it trimmed. Try to pose in a way that looks natural - smile however you normally smile (or don't), not some weird expression you think makes you look better.

2. Detail in a profile is good, but it can also be stifling. Your goal should be to intrigue the person reading your profile, not to give them an encyclopedic knowledge of your life. Your "favourites" section should probably be one of the smaller ones on your page.

3. Echoing Eamar, find something about you that makes you different or otherwise outstanding. Related, never send a message that just reads "hi" or "what's up". Unless you are ridiculously attractive, that and your face alone are not enough to make someone interested in you. If you obviously have an interest or hobby in common, mention that, but don't just say, "I see we both like philately, we should date," - instead, be topical: "I saw you have a 1948 Eleanor Roosevelt stamp! I'm looking for that one. We should meet up sometime." One conveys a shallow involvement in the subject as a means to an end - the other expresses knowledge of and genuine interest in the hobby.

4. Don't take yourself too seriously. If you've got a decent sense of humor, put a joke or two on your profile. If you're worried about people not getting them, then joke about the dating service itself- that's the one thing everyone reading your profile is guaranteed to be familiar with!

(Corollary to #4: when I say jokes, I mean an original, actually funny joke you came up with yourself. Not putting "oxygen" in your "six things I couldn't live without" section. Everyone does that at some point; it wasn't funny then, and it's still not funny now.)

 

[Lucius Ivanov]

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I'm as honest as possible when making a profile, not very keen on lying. Also I don't have the patience needed with PS in order to "transform" myself into a supermodel. LOL

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I agree on the "spam" some ladies receive. I do read their profiles and use that information when writing a message and I never try being "the exception", I normally contact only if I fit their description of what they want.

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I'll keep that in mind, those matching systems are not very reliable.

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That's really helpful! I will work on that. Thanks!

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1) Some websites don't allow uploading photos that contain anyone else but you. On the ones that do allow me I do upload photos of me and my friends, smiling.
3) I'm no fortune teller, so this part is normally short-term.
4) I only contact ladies that I am interested in and copy/paste messages is a very bad idea.

 

[zelda2fanboy]

A couple of finer points that might get me internet slapped.

As a woman who uses dating sites, something I often have to point out to guys in your situation is the sheer amount of messages that pretty much every young, vaguely attractive woman gets. Seriously, in my experience I'm talking at least one an hour, and that number skyrockets beyond belief when I'm actually showing as online. Women are outnumbered on dating sites, so it really does feel like you're being swarmed a lot of the time. I have to ignore huge numbers of messages from perfectly nice seeming guys, not because they necessarily did anything "wrong", but because they just didn't particularly stand out, and because there were other guys who seemed like a slightly better match at the time.

This is very true and brings out a lot of ugliness in dudes sometimes. Again, try not to take any of the internet dating stuff personally. However, there are women on there who aren't overwhelmed with potential matches all the time. I made a couple decent friends/pen pals with women I was never going to date (you're messaging me from Indonesia?! C'mon). I even went out with a couple of girls I wasn't particularly attracted to online, but who I had had very interesting conversations with. Surprisingly, they were a lot more prettier in real life once I had gotten to know them. I'm kind of saying don't base too much of your messages on looks. Then again, I was shocked at how pretty my fiancee was online and in person and she wasn't getting many messages. I guess that was just dumb luck.

So obviously the main thing you have to do is try to stand out from the crowd. The way to do that, as others have said, is to really read the woman's profile. Pick up on her likes and dislikes, pick up on (genuine) common interests and really consider whether the two of you would get along, because she's only going to be responding to the absolute best matches. Keep it short, but do demonstrate that you've actually read her profile. And don't go overboard with the flattery - it comes across as just a line, or insincere.

Also, true. If you're straining to come up with stuff to talk about, then it's probably not worth the effort. Might as well try though. My fiancee has pointed out that in my first sentence to here, I complimented her five times and she really liked it. Again, dumb luck.

Oh, and for the love of all that is holy, if her profile specifies that she's looking for someone in a particular age range or location and you don't fit the criteria, DO NOT message her anyway. You are not going to be "the exception", and believe you me she receives messages from a dozen guys who think they're the exception every day. It's annoying at best, arrogant at worst.

I was "the exception" because I considerably younger than what she was looking for at the time. I don't see too many reasons to talk yourself out of messaging someone, other than the person seems like a trainwreck, which you'll find from time to time.

 

[Eamar]

I made a couple decent friends/pen pals with women I was never going to date (you're messaging me from Indonesia?! C'mon).

The pen pal thing can be great so long as you're both up for that. Lots of dating sites do allow you to specify that you're interested in looking for friendship, so yeah, don't ignore that option if it's there. If the site allows you to specify that and the woman hasn't chosen to do so though, tread carefully. Again, remember the inundation problem a lot of women have. Lots of women struggle to keep on top of the dating side of things on these sites, without throwing friendship into the mix as well.

Then again, I was shocked at how pretty my fiancee was online and in person and she wasn't getting many messages. I guess that was just dumb luck.

There will always be exceptions, glad it worked out for you I never meant to imply that every woman would be in this situation, I was just offering an explanation for why most don't reply to every message.

I was "the exception" because I considerably younger than what she was looking for at the time. I don't see too many reasons to talk yourself out of messaging someone, other than the person seems like a trainwreck, which you'll find from time to time.

Again with the exceptions to the rule, and the congratulations. However, I really wouldn't advocate ignoring a woman's specifications except in the most exceptional of circumstances. Seriously, most of the time it comes across as either you didn't bother to read my profile properly, or you're being completely disrespectful, basically saying "you don't really know what you want, I do." Not saying that's the intention, but believe me it's maddening. I greatly dislike having to waste my time weeding out the messages from people who don't fit my criteria (because I, like a lot of other women, am not prepared to compromise on things like age and location. Once again, see comment about having way too many messages anyway), and it happens so often that it's just annoying.

 

[shogunblade]

1.I have used three dating sites since I was 19

Were you out in the middle of nowhere or something?

I live in Montana, where the only things to date are either drunks, drug addicts, teenage girls (I don't like to date younger women) or some combination of the three. I also came out of a relationship and I wanted to find a woman to be like a Band-Aid and fix me up. Obviously, years of being single made me realize that's the worst thing you could do to find a woman.

EDIT: I should also mention that the number of dating sites dropped down to one, and I used Plenty of Fish, Okcupid, and Match.com, and had better luck with POF than any other. I also tried Eharmony, and unfortunately, they wouldn't even let me register for their Free weekends because, and I'm paraphrasing, "We can't match you with anybody in our algorithm". Yeah.

 

[II2]

My description:

My name is SWIM and I'm from AROUND.
I've been living in SQUALOR for the past 6 years, and I quite like it here.

I enjoy driving TRACTOR TRAILERS, especially ONES WITH LOTS OF STORAGE SPACE, could spend the whole day on the road. I read books, mostly PORN, from knights in shiny armour to space crusaders. But I prefer MAKING MY OWN overall. Films, I have a soft spot for the good BLACKSPLOITATION ones. Music, all that HAPPENS BETWEEN RADIO STATIONS. IN MY BIG RIG.

Temperament: PHLEMGEY. ENDLESS insomnia. A bit INCONTINENT. Faithful, intelligent, calm, a good friend, PRESERVATIVES.

Ethnic Group: PURE BLOOD ARYAN
Religion: AYN RAND
Languages: Romanian(native), Spanish(fluent), English(fluent), BABYLONIAN(intermediate)
Smoking?: Yes
Alcohol?: ALWAYS
Children: None; Want?: NO MORE TOO MANY MOTHERS
Eating habits: METH, PCP, A&W
Hair: Dark brown
Eyes: Dark brown
Height: 3'11"
Body: Normal/Average
Weight: 387 lb
Pets: TAXIDERMY IS FOREVER
Education: ?
Occupation: TRUCKER, LONG DISTANCE HAULAGE
Transport means: MY RIG
Zodiacal sign: O-NEGATIVE

Hobbies: DIY, SEX, CRIMINAL LAW, internet, TRUCKS, MAKING PORN, RPGs.
Sports: NEKNOMINATING, BUMFIGHTS.

Music: GG ALLIN,

Books: ROAD MAPS. PORN. SELF IMPROVEMENT AUDIOBOOKS.

MoviesOrder of preference)
1. TRIUMPH OF THE WILL
2. THE BUNNY GAME
3. GUMMO

Touched it up for you, though I wouldn't suggest using the character that emerges in my minds eye from those cliffnotes. Consider, though, that it would be an even scarier possibility of who this would actually attract.

Being serious though, maybe add a smile in the photo, keep what you're looking for kinda 'open for whatever' to offer a low-pressure intent and keep reaching out. If you take a relaxed approach where you suggest opportunity with friendly ambivalence and let things happen organically - as they with with good chemistry - things work out. There's no formula to it, particularly.

 

[WWmelb]

As many others have said, women on dating sites get feasibly 100's of messages a day from men. Literally hundreds. My partners profile it's not uncommon for me to walk past her email in the morning and see the little icon with 300 or so new messages on it. (Long story - open relationship - both poly - both still on sites etc)

Anyways, i met her in a chat room in a fetish dating site, and we spoke .. of all things, about our dogs lol (No.. get your mind away from there).

But tips i've found over the years:

Your profile and picture need to be acceptable, and relatively detailed, and look nice, but they are NOT the most important factor.

1. The heading of your email needs to be interesting. It needs to stand out in the list from the dozens of others that are surrounding it.

2. IF the woman you emailed opens your email, human nature is to briefly scan over the email first, without actually reading it. Most people do this without even realising it, but if no key words jump out on the screen, the person will generally close it and move on, especially if they have dozens or hundreds more. Therefore, find the unusual words in the persons profile, and use them back in the email. They will stand out, even if subconsciously and will make the person more likely to go back and read the whole thing thoroughly.

3. In general, i have found, keep the physical flattery to a minimum. One sentence, that is unobtrusive is more than enough, do not focus your email on trying to make the woman think she is a goddess physically. Make your hopeful date feel interesting. Much more important overall.

4. To get a response after your message has been read: Structure and content. Don't make the first email too long. Find common interests, one or two of them is enough for the first contact. Then use them to find out more. Hopefully some specifics are mentioned in the persons profile that you can ask about. But follow basically this

Observation: I see we share an interest in X Genre / Y Piece.
Statement: I enjoyed Y piece in X Genre very much, especially because of the ABC.
Question: How did you feel about the ABC in the Y piece of X Genre?

Questions engage in a way that observations and statesments cannot. I like X does not make someone respond. How did YOU feel about X is much more likely to.

5. Keep it relatively short as i mentioned earlier. Don't broach EVERY common interest in the first email, but enough to develop a connection. Leave something for your prospective date to ask YOU about. Maybe leave a hint about what you would like her to ask you about. This makes the process easier on you too, as you don't want to labor over first contact for 3 hours only to never even know if they read it. Makes the inevitable failed attempts much less painful.

6. Keep it light. Don't get too heavy with anything. Especially about meeting straight away.

7. Keep trying. Don't cancel everyone out that has maybe one thing that they don't meet your criteria on. People aren't black and white, and most of the info boxes are pretty binary, so sometimes the answers one gives don't necessarily reflect the person 100%.

8. Be cool, be respectful, and show an interest in them as a person

And a final note, i've found that dating sites that you have to pay for are a MUCH better idea to use as a guy for numerous reasons.

Less competition, more visibility (generally - most paid sites will bump your emails to the top of lists, and your profile to the top of searches and stuff), and quite often can allow others to contact you first as well.

Hope my experiences help you!

on another note, the most successful service i've ever used for dating was actually World of Warcraft... go figure that one out! Got more dates from women i met playing wow than any actual dating site lol.