Bad luck with roommates.

[Frankster]

There's only one horrible story I've got with room mates, but it was enough to fuck over my life and end my uni aspirations.

I don't want to go too much into it, but all I will say is this: NEVER move in with a group of people who are friends with each other but you don't know them, because they will act all nice and friendly to get you to sign the papers...Then they gang together and consistently fuck you over and you will be trapped because you signed a contract.
This is about as much details as I'm gonna share, to this day this experience still haunts me and has turned me into the mistrustful anti social arse I am today, a year of constant bullying will do that I guess+ failing uni cos of little things like not being able to get fucking sleep at night due to your neighbours being weirdos who sleep with the radio on loud and never gives 2 fucks about what it does to you no matter how many times you ask.
Even remembering this experience boils my blood (and unlike times when I usually pretend i'm angry for attempts at comedy, im deadly serious here) and I hate myself for having been so fucking nice and trusting. I've had trust issues with people ever since.

My next room mates were shitty as well (thieves and liars and bullies in their own way too), but they didn't fuck up my life quite as hard and had I not been so depressed (my grandma died too, most important person in my life), I'd probably have been able to put up with those, but I was in a dark place so ended up being the last time I lived with people and the beginning of my withdrawal from society.

It's worth noting that prior to this, I was in boarding school and had lived with multiple room mates growing up.
And I ALWAYS got on amazingly well with all my roomies, which unfortunately led to the naive belief that I'd get along well with anyone I move in with...Ha ha that certainly turned out to be a big delusion.

 

[mecegirl]

What the actual fuck. Desire for vengeance? Me admitting that it might be hard to be nice to a friend who broke another friends heart isn't a desire for vengeance.

"I'm going to have a hard time not decking him" seemed to imply a desire for punitive action. I'm not sure how else you intended that to be interpreted. I don't know you well enough to know whether or not "decking" this fellow constitutes a hyperbolic turn of phrase or a genuine statement of intent. To say nothing of the fact nothing about "When I see him around the apartment", indicating that the decking might be an ongoing routine. I'm not sure regular beatings will do anything to improve the situation, is what I'm saying, outside of any tangential benefits you get from the cardio.

This isn't a bunch of women folks jumping on some poor man, its an intervention.

I never suggested he was a poor, hard done by fellow. Please don't confuse this for a "can't we please consider the gentleman's feelings" situation. By all means, if you think slapping him around a bit will help the situation, have at it.

You will note that no one interpreted my statements the way that you did. Probably because most see where I'm coming from. Being angry enough that harming someone pops into your mind, and actually following through are two different situations. And most have been in a situation where it is tempting to want to smack the daylights out of a person. Random example, a shitty boss.

You did suggest he was a poor hard done by fellow by suggesting that he was going to get beat daily and that he was moving in with his wife's friends that hate him. At no point did I say that I hated him just that I'm angry(and rightfully so).

 

[BloatedGuppy]

You will note that no one interpreted my statements the way that you did.
Probably because most see where I'm coming from.

Judging by the thread, it would be because most posted their own experiences and didn't comment on yours whatsoever. My remark was largely facetious, but as you appear to be taking it personally, we can upgrade that to "entirely facetious".

You might also keep in mind you're posting on a forum of primarily 20 somethings, many of which have never had a relationship, and a sizable and vocal contingent of which view infidelity as comparative to murder. If you'd indicated an intention to drag the gentleman behind your car through a field of broken glass you likely would have gotten cheerful support.

You did suggest he was a poor hard done by fellow by suggesting that he was going to get beat daily and that he was moving in with his wife's friends that hate him.

I suggested it was a bizarre living situation. You seemed rather fed up with bizarre living situations. I questioned why you'd want another one. I can see now that this was a terrible misstep on my part. I wish you godspeed with your new roommates.

 

[mecegirl]

You will note that no one interpreted my statements the way that you did.
Probably because most see where I'm coming from.

Judging by the thread, it would be because most posted their own experiences and didn't comment on yours whatsoever. My remark was largely facetious, but as you appear to be taking it personally, we can upgrade that to "entirely facetious".

You might also keep in mind you're posting on a forum of primarily 20 somethings, many of which have never had a relationship, and a sizable and vocal contingent of which view infidelity as comparative to murder. If you'd indicated an intention to drag the gentleman behind your car through a field of broken glass you likely would have gotten cheerful support.

You did suggest he was a poor hard done by fellow by suggesting that he was going to get beat daily and that he was moving in with his wife's friends that hate him.

I suggested it was a bizarre living situation. You seemed rather fed up with bizarre living situations. I questioned why you'd want another one. I can see now that this was a terrible misstep on my part. I wish you godspeed with your new roommates.

I also stated that I was venting before telling my story. As for your "facetious" response I find it odd that you choose not to suggest you were just joking until after you realize that your comments are unwarranted. Not everyone in this thread addressed me but some did and others at least gave a response that amounts to saying 'wow that sucks'. There is no indication that they were happy with the idea of him getting hit. 20 something or not if folks actually thought I was intending to hurt the guy instead of just really frustrated with his behavior they would say something. You give people far too little credit.

 

[lacktheknack]

I've had only one long-term roommate, and he was Swiss and courteous and we had less than no problems. Get a Swiss roommate, everyone.

 

[BloatedGuppy]

I also stated that I was venting before telling my story. As for your "facetious" response I find it odd that you choose not to suggest you were just joking until after you realize that your comments are unwarranted.

Oh good lord. "Facetious" =/= "just joking". It means "glib" or "flippant". As in "desire for vengeance" or "at least you'll get the tangential benefit of cardio", et al. If you look up "glib" in the dictionary you'll find a picture of my stupid fucking puffer fish avatar beside it.

Not everyone in this thread addressed me but some did and others at least gave a response that amounts to saying 'wow that sucks'. There is no indication that they were happy with the idea of him getting hit. 20 something or not if folks actually thought I was intending to hurt the guy instead of just really frustrated with his behavior they would say something. You give people far too little credit.

No one thinks you "intend to hurt a guy". I was commenting on the hyperbolic drama of "I cannot see X around Y without wanting to deck them", and questioning why you'd bother living with such a person. As in:

You seem to be rather emotionally keyed up around this issue. Is this seriously the best living situation the lot of you could scheme up?

And...

If there's truly a desire here that the husband "shapes up", presumably so he can go back to his family, having him live with two of the wife's friends who hate him isn't going to do anything constructive.

The take away from that being "Why do this to yourself" and "Is living with people who want to thrash you for your transgressions the best therapeutic environment for behavior reform". The take away is not "This random on a forum thinks I want to murder a dude. I should pen multiple angry responses telling him how wrong and stupid he is".

As to the "credit" I give people, I've posted on this forum for many years. I'm aware of the community and their stance on various issues. Infidelity is a capital crime round these parts.

 

[Amir Kondori]

Try to be stringent on who you accept. If you don't smoke weed feel free to say "no 420" since it is clearly something you don't prefer in a roommate. Insist on a rental history, contact to verify evictions, references and a background check. You may take longer to find a roommate but when you do you should have better luck.

As far the cheating husband, you don't have to let him live with you. I understand he and his wife are friends but that will not be a good situation I guarantee you. There will be drama and it will be unpleasant. How will you feel if you see him bring a woman who isn't his wife home? What will it be like hearing arguments through the walls?

I'd step back and really make sure you are prepared for this new living arrangement.

Oh man we were going to have a long list of requirements and and make them sign a renters agreement. We have more than learned our lesson when it comes to random people.

And he is not bringing a woman in the house. Not when my other roommate is one of his oldest friends. He wouldn't dare unless he wanted to be immediately kicked out.

Maybe I'm too liberal, I don't see how smoking weed in the house is a problem unless you find the smell particularly repugnant. I for instance, do not.

I don't see how its a liberal thing. But I do find the smell repugnant. It smells absolutely horrible. And considering what any constant contact with smoke does to furniture, walls, and clothing anything that produces smoke should be done outside. She also never took the time to ask if we were okay with the smell. That's fine if its just your house but not for a shared space.

I wish you good luck with that situation but do keep in mind once he lives there you can't just kick him out, he'll have all the rights any tenant has. In my experience those situations are a lot more likely to go wrong than to go right.

As far the weed smoking, while I personally do not have a problem with it you have every right to not want people to smoke marijuana or anything else inside your shared living space. Don't let anyone tell you different.

 

[mojoismydog77]

In my first semester of college I was in a dorm with another guy who was a bit of a socialite and party person. He had the oddest habit of never being at the dorm except at the wee hours of the morning. Well, I had ROTC every morning at six so I had to wake up at 530. TThisson of a mutated Donald Trump Entered the room in four in the morning after a late night and started to blow dry his hair. I stayed up late studying and had a seven mile run the next day. I wish this was the only time he did this but he always entered the dorm at the weirdest times and always woke me up. I have never been so happy as the day that guy left.

 

[Silverbeard]

So yeah... say, anyone looking for a roommate? Quiet, clean, will apparently tolerate damn near anything. Must have good internet and respect for boundaries.

I volunteer! I have an excellent personal reference, in fact.
On our last day of college my roommate of four semesters looked me in the eye and said 'If I could live with you I can live with anyone.' Exact quote. Highest praise I'd received until that point.

On topic:
My worst roommate ever came about during my freshman year of college. The housing people threw me and him together for reasons that I still haven't fathomed.
The chap in question loved booming rap music at all hours of the night and day (it was the former hours that really annoyed me), insisted on doing his homework on the floor of our room and got papers everywhere (I once slipped over a highlighter and cracked my skull on my bed frame- needed three stitches!) and could never get the room hot enough for his taste. It got to the point where I'd have to leave the room and jump into a cold shower in the middle of winter to cool down and get the sweat off my body. Things came to a head during the last week of that semester. He left his stereo playing and left the room. I thought he wasn't coming back so I unplugged it and just as I did that, he came back in. We argued for a bit and got into a proper dust-up; after a few good punches, tackles and ungentlemanly kicks the floor RA got involved and managed to separate us with the help of a few other chaps. Luckily for the both of us the police weren't called and the college dean gave each of us a fair listening and took our respective grievances seriously enough that we were both given different housing accommodations for the following semester.

 

[Redlin5_v1legacy]

After spending a lovely vacation away from mine, coming home to see the same pile of dishes...

Yeah, I miss living alone because at least there's a clean supply of dishes and things only get as disorganized as I want them too. On the flipside, no crippling loneliness and rent is half price. So there's that.

 

[KyuubiNoKitsune-Hime]

Yuck ... yeah, I've had roommate/flatmate issues. I agree thatoften the costs of reduced private space is better than living alone (particularly on a budget or when saving money) but then you get some really shitty flatmates/roommates. It's especially difficult if you're trans. As you kind of preface it on each message to a prospective interviewee ... "Hi, yu have no problem having a transgender flatmate do you?" Feels gross, but it's better than fighting latter on ... as much as I'd like to take arseholes to task but there is a certain sensitivity to the idea of having to do it in your own home.

--snips--

Sometimes the issue with a room/flatmate isn't in weather, or not they're okay with trans folk. Often times enough there are people who have weird ideas about what being trans means, or such, so they have weird expectations. Extra frustrating is when they also happen to be trans...

So on to the OT: I've only had one roommate, a trans gal I was helping out because she was homeless, due to being kicked out of the house by her parents. She wasn't having any luck finding a full time job, but could kick in rent from temp/day labor jobs, which she managed to get about 3 times a week. They paid crap, but it was better than nothing to help us out. She was fine by my dad's reckoning, and was my friend at the time. Apparently I wasn't okay on her list for some reason...

I kind of found out why she got booted from the shelter and disallowed to return for a period of time(they rarely pull life time bans)... Her bitchy combative attitude where she'd get a bug up her ass about something, then start a nasty personal argument, and then blame the person she started the argument with. It's what happened with her and one of the workers at the shelter, I found out later, over her not following a basic damn rule. With me however she decides to accuse me of "faking" being trans, because I'm non-op, and she was at the time(and probably still is) pre-op. What made it absolute total bullshit is that she was just starting social transition, while I on the other hand was already post orchiectomy and had been on HRT for years. She started pulling this crap at the start of the second month, right before rent came due for our place... Due to the nature of the rental agreement, which isn't dependant on a lease, and what little she provided, we kicked her out. As her going to extreme lengths to attack me personally and attack my gender identity as others had through out my life... That was unacceptable both from my standpoint and my dad's. Some people's children, I swear...

 

[DeimosMasque]

My Lady and I lucked out. Our flatmate, who could not be bothered to do anything at all; not even be bothered to clean the litter of her own cats, ran out of money to pay the rent two months after she switched who she was living with.

And that is just me sharing the least of our problems with her. The actual issues would take an essay to explain. I just feel bad for her current flatmate, paying all the bills while she continues her bad behavior.

 

[sky14kemea]

That sounds awful. I've had my share of roommate issues, but I gotta confess that I'm usually the bad roommate.

I'm not a clean person, which is why I'm very happy now that I'm in a 1 bedroom flat. I tend to leave my dishes until there's enough to "justify" using up water. Also have a cat (used to have two) so it smells a bit where the litter tray is.

I was roommates with my cousin for a long while. Our third was a friend of mine from this website, actually. Unfortunately we all started getting at each other's throats and it ended kinda badly. :c I have since apologised though, but now I don't think I'd ever be roommates with a friend again. It's not worth losing the friendship.

My brother took his place so that was pretty alright. Obviously I was still the messy roommate so I got some flack about that but we got along great otherwise, until my cousin got a girlfriend.

My cousin worked from home, and his GF was unemployed so they were usually home all the time. I was also unemployed but actively seeking at the time, so I was also home a lot. She didn't like that because she wanted privacy to do the horizontal tango but the loud music they played just made it more obvious and I ended up having to ask them to turn the music down 'cause it was shaking the house.

Anyway, after a lot of passive-aggressive note leaving, they said I had two weeks to find a new place. So I had to go back to my Mum for a while until I found my current place.

I took most of the kitchen stuff because I'm a jerk, and also I paid for most of it. Also took the cats.

The major issue I find is that people who smoke a lot don't seem to notice the smell at all, so they never think to open the windows to air out the place, or shampoo the carpets. A guy tried to sell me a car once and he was just absolutely gobsmacked that I could tell the smoked a pile of weed before I even opened the door, and seemed convinced that I had a 'supernose' or something and a little armorall car cleaner would take it out.

This is also true for cat owners. You tend not to notice the cat/pee smell as much because you get used to it. Once it's in the carpet you're kinda stuck unless you replace the whole thing, including the underneath layer too.

 

[sky14kemea]

It also doesn't help that this female cat isn't fixed. My sister is a horrid pet owner and at the moment my roommates and I are thinking of just finding a new home for her dog and cat. And the cat isn't just by itself. It used to live with my roommate's boyfriend's cat and since that cat lives in my apartment as well it has a cat that it already knows well.

I've lived with several cats and unfortunately for me this isn't the first time I've lived with a cat that marked excessively. Some just don't take to the box like they should and I don't want a cat like that in my space.

See that top paragraph could be your problem. Your sister should probably get her cat fixed (Though I'm guessing from what you've said that's not going to be so easy).

If they're with other cats, even if they get along with them, they're going to want to claim their own territory. Before one of my cats died, the more "alpha" one would still pee in the corner despite using the tray for everything else. He was already fixed as well, so all I could do was keep catching him and kicking him outside whenever he did it.

[sub][sub]Note: I'm not a cat expert, just speaking my experience. You might wanna ask a vet about it if possible.[/sub][/sub]

 

[KyuubiNoKitsune-Hime]

The major issue I find is that people who smoke a lot don't seem to notice the smell at all, so they never think to open the windows to air out the place, or shampoo the carpets. A guy tried to sell me a car once and he was just absolutely gobsmacked that I could tell the smoked a pile of weed before I even opened the door, and seemed convinced that I had a 'supernose' or something and a little armorall car cleaner would take it out.

This is also true for cat owners. You tend not to notice the cat/pee smell as much because you get used to it. Once it's in the carpet you're kinda stuck unless you replace the whole thing, including the underneath layer too.

It's called going nose blind actually, it can happen with all sorts of odors. When I had bed bugs in the past, I couldn't smell their distinctive scent... After not having them for a long time, I can smell when a neighbor has them walking past their closed door/window.

It also doesn't help that this female cat isn't fixed. My sister is a horrid pet owner and at the moment my roommates and I are thinking of just finding a new home for her dog and cat. And the cat isn't just by itself. It used to live with my roommate's boyfriend's cat and since that cat lives in my apartment as well it has a cat that it already knows well.

I've lived with several cats and unfortunately for me this isn't the first time I've lived with a cat that marked excessively. Some just don't take to the box like they should and I don't want a cat like that in my space.

See that top paragraph could be your problem. Your sister should probably get her cat fixed (Though I'm guessing from what you've said that's not going to be so easy).

If they're with other cats, even if they get along with them, they're going to want to claim their own territory. Before one of my cats died, the more "alpha" one would still pee in the corner despite using the tray for everything else. He was already fixed as well, so all I could do was keep catching him and kicking him outside whenever he did it.

[sub][sub]Note: I'm not a cat expert, just speaking my experience. You might wanna ask a vet about it if possible.[/sub][/sub]

I'm not a cat expert, but excessive marking is generally a symptom of territorial insecurity, which both fixed and non-fixed cats can display. So @mecegirl I'd suggest making sure areas outside, near by, aren't being frequented by neighborhood cats, especially if areas around your home, outside, are being marked. If they are get come carbon dioxide based cleaner and clean up the marked spots, both indoors and outdoors. Also playing with the cats, totally wearing them out, on a daily basis is something you should be doing. That means playing until the cat is panting out of breath, let her catch her breath, repeat until she's too tired to keep playing and just wants to groom. If she's just peeing outside the littler box, try to figure out what's wrong with the litter box, something about peeing in it might be turning her off to peeing in the litter box. More over, the rule of thumb is to have one litter box per cat, plus one more litter box, because if you don't have enough in a multiple cat home, one cat can dominate pee/poo spaces. Also make sure there are places where the cat can be up and away, there should be a cat tree in every room the cat's frequent. If you can take a common area where people hang out, and make a cat super-highway. That is a place where the cats can be totally off the floor and navigate around the room without ever touching the floor. Things like having shelves, cat trees, and other areas the cat can use to travel around the room high off the floor. A lot of cats feel insecure when they don't have space to be up, that insecurity can lead to marking.