Being Asexual In A Sexual Society

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MGlBlaze

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Easy Street said:
Sark said:
This may seem a little callous. Humans are sexual creatures, deal with it.
I don't know about callous. Its is, however, dismissive of another person's life choice. Then again, no one is paying you to give two shits.
It isn't a choice. If someone chooses to not have sex, it's Celibacy\Abstainence. Asexuality is not being sexually atracted to either sex, and usually can't be helped any more then bisexuality, homosexuality, heterosexuality, etc.

They are still capable of sexual acts, but they'll usually not do it for the same reasons as a sexual person.
 

MikailCaboose

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Well, I'm not asexual (god it feels odd to use that word in this context), I have no desire to hop into bed with someone else at this moment so...
It's not a real problem in my opinion. Besides, it helps sort through relationships that would end up being a dead boat. After all, you've gotta talk to them too.
 

Anarchemitis

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Riku said:
What are your views, oh dear Escapists? Are any of you asexual? do you know anybody who is? or do you want to argue anything I've said here? Post a reply below
I'm abstinent, and I feel your frustrations.
It's my biggest worry and annoyance, beyond anything the media or video games could conjure. Wait, they're the ones conjuring it.

Yeah, you get the idea.
 

Bruin

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It's evolution's way of saying "This is where you get off," and throwing you off the bus.
 

Not-here-anymore

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I wouldn't say I'm asexual, per se, just that I'm a hopeless romantic.
Whilst I can appreciate the attractiveness of pretty much any human being, some part of me is looking at them as a potential partner, rather than just for sex. At university, this isn't always a winning strategy...

Not that I'm ruling out sex, it seems like a good idea. It's just that it seems like a relationship-affirming thing for me, rather than a one-night stand thing.

...I've turned down sex before, for reasons along those lines. Am I doing it wrong?
 

Riku'sTwilight

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Argh too many good replies to reply too!

DocAscii said:
I'm friends with an entire family of asexual folk. I'm friends with one son, and he maybe started dating a little later, but he's definitely got hormones. The other son is now 26 and has never had a relationship. I had a mad crush on the daughter who is 23 and has never dated. All three are very smart, decently attractive and highly sociable people. When asked about dating, it's like they know about it, but it doesn't seem important. That boded very poorly when I tried to date the daughter, and she didn't realize that a heterosexual single man asking a heterosexual single woman to dinner is "usually" a date. It wasn't until I tried to arrange a second date, and used the term date, that she defined the terms of our encounter. That was embarassing. It took some doing to clear the matter up with my friend, but we're all on good terms again.

Also it may be worth noting that while it is most probable that their parents had sex at least three times, and they get along well, that I see no signs of affection between them. A mutual friend has dubbed them "the most asexual couple" he had ever met, and I agreed.
That's actually a lovely post, Although initially the conundrum of an 'asexual family' threw me, reading on you clarified it. It's a shame that you didn't get to date the daughter, although the way you described their feelings towards dating (and the parents lack of signs of affection) is pretty much exactly how I feel.
I know what dating is, and all of my friends do it, but I'd rather just go and have a friendly chat to someone over coffee, rather than that trying to lead anywhere.

Owyn_Merrilin said:
Wow, downer topic. No offense, OP, but it sounds like you have a really warped view of relationships. For one thing, if a person isn't happier in a relationship than they are single, chances are the specific relationship is bad, not relationships in general. For another thing, why would a couple have less money than an individual, unless there's kids involved? Historically, marriage has been just as much about two individuals pooling their resources as it has been about producing legitimate offspring, and it makes sense -- twice the number of people, twice the chance to provide for oneself. Dating might cut into funds to some extent, but that's a decision of what to do with excess money, not a drain on it.
I'm sorry you took it as a downer topic, I didn't really mean it to be, It's just an expression on my views of myself, lifestyle and the world we all live in.
I can't comment on what a general relationship is, only on what I have seen in my social circles and the people in relationships and marriage don't seem to be as happy as they are a few months, or years down the line as they do initially within the early stages, that's what I meant.

I agree, marriage is about pooling money and attempting to have a better life, but again in my social circles the marriages I've seen and known are all pretty much broke, due to debts they shouldnt have and expensive things they can't afford but buy to have a 'better life'.
I'm not saying i'm a saint with money, im not at all in the slightest, it's just I know my boundaries with money and don't have wild crazy dreams about doing this, that or everything else because it's something to take away from the (seemingly) mundane life of marriage that i've seen.

badgersprite said:
Well, I'm not asexual, but I can relate, because I place a lot less emphasis on sex than other people in my life. I don't actively seek it out, and I don't feel comfortable progressing to sex too quickly. I'm a lesbian, if that matters, and, I don't know, but it seems like other young people in the gay community can have a flippant attitude towards sex. And I don't. I've been in a few different relationships, but I only ever trusted one girl enough to sleep with her. And, in hindsight, I still feel I made a mistake by giving myself up too fast.

Other girls I've been with seem to have expected the relationship to progress to sex fairly quickly, but I guess I'm old-fashioned, and I don't believe sex needs to be the ultimate expression of love or intimacy. I don't feel I'm lacking anything if I'm not having sex. And yet, the reaction of previous partners to this is either a) that I'm cold, b) that I'm cheating or I don't really love them (isn't emotional blackmail lovely?) or c) in some cases, that I'm not really gay, which has to be the most ludicrous accusation ever thrown at me by another LGBT person.

So, yes, even though I'm not asexual (I do desire sex), I can completely understand what it must be like to live in an overly sexualised world and to be in a society that pressures you to do something you don't want to do, or don't feel comfortable doing. I sometimes feel life would be easier if I were asexual. Platonic relationships have been more fulfilling to me than ones that have progressed to a more sexual level.

I too like being single. Relationships, especially at my age, can be so suffocating, and demanding. Maybe it's just because I'm attracted to people with domineering personalities. They have a tendency to take over my whole life, which I really don't need when I have school and work to think about.

Interesting topic. Glad you posted it!
Thankyou for sharing, I'm also very glad you said that you are a lesbian (not because i'm a perv but because I have the utmost respect for lesbians, moreso than any other sexuality choice and because I know quite a few myself)
it's a shame that other girls have slated your choice to hold off on sex, as I see it as a very noble thing to wait for something special, rather than being pressured into it.

Your story is pretty much prime example of what I was talking about, when I said that people rush into it and now almost every relationship is based on jumping into bed as soon as possible (for some strange reason)

I'm very glad you posted :) thankyou for doing so
 

Kevonovitch

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i have a friend thats asexual, and honestly, i can't wrap my head around it, considering i was a sex addict, and now a'days, i still want get a lil action, but just not interested in anything my town has to offer, (would you if the majority was jailbait hookers working for the hells angles, meth addicts, or potheads that are diseased and will sleep with anyone? yeah...no ty.) it's an interesting thing to vicariously view, but, not for me :p thats my opinion.
 

Criquefreak

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Better to be able to choose such an option than have it forced upon you by the oversexualized society.

It's like some kind of comedy how many people obsess so much over such a short-term act. It's particularly humorous when it's by those who don't consider it anything more than a no-strings pleasurable act. At least when it's a topical matter of those who actively want children it doesn't feel like watching a bad sitcom.

While humans are sexual beings, they're first and foremost social beings. With the way sex is treated by popular culture, it's amazing more people haven't chosen asexuality out of contempt of the way most have become dismissive of deeper and longer-term relationships or the disregard of people as anything more than sex objects.

As far as knowing anyone who is of an asexual mind-set, nada. There's been times the conversations I've heard felt like I'm a paraplegic listening to people wax on about how great it feels to be able to run.
 

KSarty

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You seem to equate asexuality with being single, and this simply isn't the case. Being asexual does not mean that you have no interest in having a significant other.

Beside that point, I find I dislike most people who are asexual. I'm not sure if being an arrogant prick is related to being asexual, just that in my few experiences it happened to be the case.
 

Shuichi_boy

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Think you're asexual?

Wait. Might take a few years, but wait.

You won't be forever.

I was too until my early 20's. Then I got run over by the hornymobile. And onwards the hornymobile went, its driver giving me neither a glance backwards nor a jaunty wave of the hand.

At the time I wasn't quite sure what happened to me, other than that it was quickly becoming clear that the carefully constructed persona I had crafted for myself was beginning to crumble into little bits.

Some people feel pretty much sexual the instant puberty hits. For many others, it takes time. It's only in extremely, exceptionally rare cases that it persists throughout a person's lifetime.
 

FaceFaceFace

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Riku said:
Above may seem a shallow view, but it is in my experience true; those with marital or relationship commitments a) do not seem to be as long term happy with a partner and b) are always living on the borderline money-wise.

What are your views, oh dear Escapists? Are any of you asexual? do you know anybody who is? or do you want to argue anything I've said here? Post a reply below
I don't have any problem with asexuality, but I do wish you wouldn't try so hard to make it seem like you are doing the better thing. I think we can agree its not a choice either way, so attempting to make sexuality seem like a smarter choice seems a little pointless. Neither of your comments make sense to me; if they're unhappy in their relationship that's the relationship's problem, plenty of people stay happily married for life, and not just because they think divorce is bad. The having less money one is especially nonsensical to me, because while I don't know your acquaintances' final situations, it stands to reason that two people have a combined income and can share many things they would each need one of single, which should resort in a monetary surplus over being single.
 

Owyn_Merrilin

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DocAscii said:
That boded very poorly when I tried to date the daughter, and she didn't realize that a heterosexual single man asking a heterosexual single woman to dinner is "usually" a date. It wasn't until I tried to arrange a second date, and used the term date, that she defined the terms of our encounter. That was embarassing. It took some doing to clear the matter up with my friend, but we're all on good terms again.
I went through something like that a couple of years back. There was a girl at my community college who I wanted to date, but she wasn't comfortable with the idea, due to a mild case of asperger's syndrome. (long story, it was extremely mild, to the point that none of her friends know about it until she tells them, but once you know to look for it, there's signs) Last I heard, she was 20 and had still never had a boyfriend. We're still on good terms, by the way.

Anyway, that is one category of people I can understand not wanting anything to do with dating relationships; people who have some kind of neurological issue making the whole thing difficult. Beyond that, the sex drive is right up there with the whole eat/sleep/excrete thing in terms of basic animal instincts. I'm not saying that it's impossible for a person to be asexual in the sense that the OP is describing, but I think it's more likely that there is another explanation for it, be it poor or no experiences with sexuality in the past, neuro- or psycho- logical issues, or simply being gay but not realizing it quite yet. I mean, who knows, maybe you set off the gaydars of the friends who say they think you're gay. Maybe you don't, and even if you do it doesn't necessarily mean that you actually are gay, but their statements may not be intended to be as hurtful as they sound.

Regardless, I think that the fact that the OP has admitted to enjoying the occasional wank shows that he's not completely free of the sex drive -- although it doesn't mean in itself that he isn't genuinely uninterested in getting it from another person.
 

Koeryn

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Riku said:
I've been meaning to write a serious discussion here for some time, and now this is the topic I've chosen.
If you don't know what Asexuality is then Cambridge Dictionaries defines it as "having no interest in sexual relationships" which pretty much sums it up in my own experience.

This post is about me, being asexual in a world/society which seems to be overly sexualised these days. Just to be clear, i'm heterosexual, but I'm also asexual which means that I like women, I can find them attractive, both in personality and in physical form but I do not want to sleep with any woman (and before people say it, no i'm not gay so don't even bother suggesting that I like men).

Anyway I find it hard sometimes when sex is all around us, being pushed in our faces and down our throats and it's even worse when teenagers feel the need to have sex way before they may be physically and emotionally ready, purely just to 'fit in' with the others.
I find it hard because I don't want to do any of this so called 'social norm' and don't actively chase anybody anymore (I used to, but since I have discovered that I am asexual I do not bother anymore) or I don't try to hit on women in bars or clubs.

My friends purely think that I've given up, but I do not wish to tell them that I am asexual, mainly because I do not know anyone else with asexuality as their sexual preference and so they may find it weird that I am.

I don't see my lifestyle as a problem, on the contrary I think it's a blessing. I love being single, purely due to the large amount of money I have free to do what I want with, whereas my friends who are either married (both with and without kids) or those in a relationship (again both with and without kids) always seem to have very little free money floating around.

Above may seem a shallow view, but it is in my experience true; those with marital or relationship commitments a) do not seem to be as long term happy with a partner and b) are always living on the borderline money-wise.

What are your views, oh dear Escapists? Are any of you asexual? do you know anybody who is? or do you want to argue anything I've said here? Post a reply below
I seek out no relationship, and have no interest in them. However, that's not because of a lack of interest in sex, it's because I'm incapable of forming deep emotional connections with people. Live or die, family, friend, or stranger, it doesn't matter to me. I'm not exactly a sexual person either, porn bores me, sex bores me, women are visual pleasing, but only in the same way a good rifle or car or tree is. Men also bore me.

I don't understand why people need those relationships or anything. I mean, on a biological/social level I can see it, but inside my head, I'm often under the false assumption that people are basically like me, emotionally, so it occasionally surprises me when people bring up their relationships and say things like, "Oh, I couldn't live without him/her! He/She completes me, you'll understand when you find the one.".

But then break up three weeks later to repeat the process in an identical fashion elsewhere. It just seems pointless to me.

But hey, that's just me. It's not a conscious decision, I'm not like this to be 'different' or anything. I just am, and it's not something that I really think about unless someone brings it up, such as to answer you.

And before anyone starts bein' uppity:

As far as I know, I do not have any mental disorders. I've never been diagnosed with any, at any rate. I'm not a manic depressive, and I'm pretty satisfied with my life (though I could definitely use a second source of income...). I'm not depressed, and I am generally above the middle line for happy/unhappy. I just don't rise far above that, in general, nor sink much below it.

EDIT: Further anti-Uppityness:
I'm not putting down relationships, I know quite a few people in long term committed ones that are happy, and decent folk. I got no problem with them, I got no problem with those that aren't in relationships, and those who take a quick screw. I just find the whole bit pointless and don't have anything to do with it.

Yes, I've been through several relationships in the past, including several long distance ones. Most ended because I got tired of trying any more and left. Finally got tired of havin' folk's hatin' me for leavin' 'em after they got all attached or whatever, so I haven't tried again.

I'm not a teenager. Or Emo. Or a robot (though that would be both totally awesome, wouldn't it? Also completely lame, 'cause while advanced, I'd be the lamest robot ever. Don't even have deathrays!)
 

Koeryn

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pejhmon said:
Easy Street said:
Try sheep. 65% of rural Greeks can't be wrong.
or 95% of Welsh ;)

(jokes)
Actually, it was the English there. The English soldiers occupying Wales got in trouble for raping Welsh woman, got punished for it, and so the Welsh, being the nice folk they are, offered the Beef Eaters sheep to placate their obviously over-run sex drives, since all the Welsh ladies were now protected by law. =p
 

Bloodstain

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Let me make something very clear...there is a difference between asexuality and the disinterest in sex. As long as you engage in relationships (as in "love") (it doesn't matter whether they're sexual or not), you're not asexual.
Asexuality is a genetic deficiency. Asexual people never have sexual urges in their entire life (you can't just decide "I'm asexual from now on!") and have no interest in something we call "love".
Want a prove that sexuality is important when loving someone?
Ever met a heterosexual guy who is in love with a guy, or a homosexual woman who is in love with a guy? No. Your sexuality decides who you love.
Therefore, most people who call themselves "asexual" simply have no interest in sexual relationships, but still engage in chaste relationships and are therefore not asexual.

Oh well. I think as one grows older, disinterest becomes more and more acceptable. It's usually young people saying "You don't have sex, wtf rofl lololol".
 

TeeBs

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I don't consider sex a necessity, but its on a list of things I wouldn't mind doing right now.
 

TeeBs

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tellmeimaninja said:
Can't sympathize with you there. I'm trisexual.

It's just part of being in the HMARS, you see.
Chicks with dicks? or Dudes with Boobs?
Either way im down.