Being cheated on

[dumbseizure]

Been cheated on, cheated on someone, and have been the third party someone has cheated on their other with.

None of those have bothered me. At the points in time where the cheating occurred, the relationship was pretty abysmal to the point of where talking to them at the time felt more like a chore than a decision, and I was genuinely not happy.

 

[TwiZtah]

I've cheated on every Girlfriend I've had, apart from the first. I would do it again.

GTFO of this forum and never come back, despicable creature.

I could never forgive cheating, for any reason.

 

[Relish in Chaos]

the standard, implied exclusivity our culture is so fond of flat-out disgusts me. Sorta implies ownership, from where I stand.

Could I ask you why exactly it "disgusts" you?

You actually quoted my explanation there. It implies ownership. A human being owned by another human being. I understand that for most the ideal is more like a symbiosis, but my experience viewing other people's relationships is that the ideal is very rarely realized... and people become property in all but name more often than not.
Those who are strong enough end those relationships. Most aren't, and stay in 'em until they become a train wreck.

I always thought that, if you were going to be in an actual relationship with someone beyond mere sex, it would be hard to become emotionally invested in them if you're basically sharing it between a bunch of other people, making none of them particularly special.

And I mean, I couldn't blame anyone for feeling unnerved if they found out they were just their partner's "bit on the side" or just another plaything. I mean, it works for casual sex, but not for mature relationships.

I don't want to be "that guy", but after a while, if you're just moving from one girl to the next without any real connection beyond genitalia-juggling, you'd start to get bored, wouldn't you?

I suppose I'm just incapable of seeing that point of view. I become emotionally invested in plenty of people. I say unhesitatingly and without reservation that I love my friends and family... but sex is not part of love, at least as far as I'm concerned. It's about as emotional as a game of ping-pong.

The bits where you throw around terms such as "mature relationships" and "real connection" as though any relationship worth the name has to involve romance and possible sex shows that you and I could never see eye-to-eye on this matter. I would see you as brainwashed, you would see me as either an alien or a liar.

Suffice to say, our culture says you're correct in your assessment, and I say our culture is very, very wrong... that we've warped human relations into something completely unnatural. That disgusts me.

Hmm. That's a fair enough argument. Not entirely whether or not I agree with it, or whether I even can, since I have little to no experience of relationships.

Don't get me wrong, I have no problems with people having casual sex. Maybe I've been watching too many films, but wouldn't you get bored after a while? Perhaps it's a black-and-white outlook, but wouldn't the alternative to not getting bored having sex with one person after another be to just...settle down with one person that you love a lot?

Or maybe it's a double-edged sword, and you can't win either way. I think we could see eye-to-eye, because I'm always open to different viewpoints of certain matters. Like I aforementioned, I have little to no experience of relationships, and even I would have no idea what I'd do (or what I "should" do) if I was dating a girl. I'm socially awkward enough as it is even with people, both male and female, that I'm not particularly close to.

 

[TheGreatAndPowerfulZOG]

I cheated on my girlfriend once. Told her about it the next time I saw her. I was drunk, but mostly just unhappy, in the relationship and in life. We got past it, but she's a jealous person now, she was never jealous before I can't say if I would do it again in the same situation. I was very depressed at the time, but I really didn't have much else besides her, so it's not like leaving was much of an option. If I ever do it again I would certainly not confess it.

 

[Relish in Chaos]

I've cheated on every Girlfriend I've had, apart from the first. I would do it again.

Look, if you want to have sex with more than one person, then at least set out the ground rules with your girlfriend before betraying her trust like that. Who knows, she might be fine with an "open relationship". If not, then there are plenty of other other people who are fine with "open relationships".

Just don't mislead people into thinking one thing, while you do another. That's just deplorable, and it's an inequal relationship. You've got to acknowledge their feelings.

 

[BOOM headshot65]

firstly, no, I compared sex to those.

Oh, well then....>=(

I also compared businesses and friends if you'd care to
include those, which do have feelings.

Businesses are people too, my friend[/snark]

All of which were given to show how absurd this rejection of polygamy and open relationships is.

To you maybe, but I will explain below why those are completely ligetimate problems in my eyes.

Cheating damages nobody. Betrayal might, shock might, but those are all in the other partners control. Noone is forced to feel those things, they caused it themselves by having such outdated and redundant traditional values, and should absolutely no appearance if they were told about it before or right away, because no trust was broken.

You call them redundant and outdated, I call them perfectably resonable and modern. Betrayal and Cheating go hand in hand. Cheating destroys relationships and sometimes lives, and is one of the greater evils plaguing our country.

You may as well be getting like that over every person who has sex, because unless it's with you, then it doesn't effect you, so I can't understand why anyone would act in such a way.

*snickers at irony of bolded part, which will be seen below*

So you believe that part of a loving relationship is to force your partner into a set of restrictions that restrict "kissing, hand holding and sex"?

I didnt set that rule. She did. Just as she was the first to say "In the future, when we are married..." and "Oh, when we have children, we will....". I guess it makes since considering she loved me first.

So, what if I were to hold a friends hand? Does my partner explode? no. Do they get cancer? I dont think so. Does anything happen to them? no. They were not involved in any way, so nothing happens. Same appliues up the chain, with kissing and with sex. It's got nothing to do with anyone but the people who are doing it.

Well, in my case, she would first kick the butt of the person I cheated with, Then kick my butt harder. ESPECIALLY if we are married. And I am more than certain she could convince her friends (who are also my friends) to help kick my butt. If I am lucky, I will be a bloody pulp when they are done, because she could do WAY worse....and one of my friends has a katana.

Secondly, if you believe a family of 3 or more can all love each other, then why can you not accept a relationship between 3 or more people? You're telling people they don't have the right to love mote than one person equally, and that is clearly wrong.

That is completely different. A husband and wife are generally going to love eachother, and it is ingrained into parents to love thier child/ren. However, some random stranger that one of them doesnt know about, not so much. As I said, Polygamy is nothing but legalized infedility in my eyes, and it doesnt help that it is usually a sexist man who is using it to control women. (my whole "sex is sexist to women" argument, which William Bennett outlined rather well. [http://www.cnn.com/2012/04/04/opinion/bennett-modern-women/index.html] Although, I would like to expand it to include gay/lesbian couples)

Where did you get this set of rules that all relationships must follow? Can you not think for yourself?

Going by what our parents do....well, my parents anyway. Her mom was cheated on by her step-dad (which she reacted violently too), while my parents have been married for close to 20 years(pro-tip: the woman in the relationship is always right, even when she is wrong). That and our religions, Catholic for her, Lutheran for me. But we are "religious", we just follow certain parts. Chivilary code and Gentlemanly Behavior also play a role in this.

...because it sounds to me that you refuse to even think about anything I say, hence the fact that you ignored almost everything I've written.

Because to someone who IS ACTUALLY IN A RELATIONSHIP, what you said MAKES...NO...FRICKING...SENSE! I have never met a single Person, NOT ONE, before you who was actually OK with cheating and polygamy. That is a poor track record for what you are proclaiming.

But if you just thought about it, you'd realize that cheating changes nothing. Hell, you'd at least realize how stupid it I'd to believe that only 2 people are capable of love and that sex and love are quite separate.

Actually, I think it is perfectly resonable. You can not seperate Love and Sex, that is why it is called "Making love." While Id perfer people wait until they are married to have sex, I get more fired up over one-night stands then I do about people who just refuse to marry, but have been married in all but name. And it is not unreasonable to stay with someone for your whole life. My family has been blessed by that. My grandparents (on both sides) have been married for well over 50(!) years. That is something that happens alot where I live (the divorce rate is only like 20%), but seems to be startling to people outside the midwest.

 

[Adiona]

Was with my partner for nearly 4 years, the relationship wasn't that good but I kept faith things would get better. He met a woman online through a rp group, he flew to America just before New Years eve to sleep with her. After he hadn't bee in touch for 16 hours I got into his email account and found the emails between the two of them.

She had emailed him an address so I googled it found a phone number and rang it, spoke to her mum and told her who I was. She got the message told him where to stick it because he hadn't told her about me or anything at all, he lied to me and her from the word go.

Dark times very dark times, the worst part...he took MY *ahem* sex toy to use on her!

So much better off without liars and cheats, they have it in them once to cheat they could do it again quite easily.

 

[sms_117b]

1st girlfriend cheated on me a number of times, I was crushed, but somehow she managed to wrangle it so I felt bad and begged her not to leave me....yeah. I cheated on her twice, first girlfriend, long distance, didn't work at all.

Last girlfriend I was the, erm, cheatee? She cheated with me and then left her boyfriend for me.

I always thought I'd never cheat, never let myself sink that low and hurt someone that much. But I have, things get twisted in love, sex, alcohol and depression, you know things are still right and wrong but, something that makes you care about it just gets flipped to the off position.

 

[Stilkon]

Glad this is here. It's good to know you're not alone.

A couple of months ago, my girlfriend broke up with me, saying that she was "depressed and unstable" and that it was "unfair" to me. Three days later, I find out from her that she only broke up with me to go out with another guy who had asked her out. Her argument: "What the fuck? You're awkward, how can I deal with that?". Both these conversations took place on Facebook, by the way.

So I talked with my friends, and one took it upon herself to talk with this guy who asked her out, as I didn't really know him at all. Turns out, he didn't know about this girl dating me (meaning that she lied to him as well), so he took it upon himself to cancel his date with her, or so I've heard. I always thought he was kind of rude to me, but I can't deny that what he did was noble. I suppose that's the closest thing I'll get to a "happy ending" regarding this episode, but I'm keeping on.

Also, I'm aware that it isn't technically "cheating", given that there was no sex involved (with either party), but it's still betrayal, and it still sucks.

EDIT: Also, this helps.

 

[repeating integers]

Been cheated on once. Got insanely pissed, hatched a plan to humiliate the girl, succeed.

On one hand, in hindsight it was a bit much, but on the other hand, she was a cruel, manipulative, goddamn horrible person, so I don't feel much regret.

OK, now I've gotta ask. What was this plan you hatched?

 

[game-lover]

I see, so you only date virgins then.

How does it make your relationship worthless again? because he knew you would consider it worthless afterwards and still did it?
Surely if you just didn't consider it worthless there would be no problem.
Why can't you love being around somebody, find them interesting, funny, great to be around, good looking, everything... you want spend the rest of your life with them etc. ...and find other people just simply attractive... why would it make a relationship worthless just to act on that? Your emotions towards your partner havent changed... nothing has. Surely you know that lust and love are very different?

As a bi guy, I get an itch, nobody who loves me would stop me from scratching it. Stopping it would make the relationship very difficult, tense and needlessly restrictive and ultimately just as tarnished as any betrayal-born paranoia would cause... even though I'd done nothing wrong.

I've actually never dated yet. But this is still how I feel.

To answer your question: Yes. Now keep in mind I'm talking about a mutually exclusive relationship. Once two people opt to take that step, it's usually a given that means they only want to be with the other and no one else. Sure, love and lust are different things. But how can you expect me to believe that someone who cheated on me "loves" me when they would betray me in that way. If you don't wanna question the merits of love, then you have to know that the terms of the relationship were broken. That isn't cool. In fact, that isn't fair. I'd be rather pissed that here I was resisting temptation and it turns out my SO was too weak or selfish to do it himself. Thoughts like that make a person ripe for revenge cheating. I often wonder if I'd do that if I were cheated on.

Speaking of which... I'm going to assume you wouldn't expect the woman or man you ended up dating to be true to you then? If you can scratch your itch, then they should have all the freedom as well to do so. Perhaps a conventional, exclusive relationship isn't what you're apt for. Maybe an open relationship is more your speed.

-snip-

Okay. I still think you're being pretty extreme, but then I'm probably just emotionally stunted. Even if I decided to end the relationship as a result of the cheating, I certainly wouldn't proceed to try and ruin his life. For example, take what you said earlier about trying to get someone fired if they cheated on you with a co-worker. I see that as being far more morally reprehensible than cheating, which is ultimately harmless if not particularly nice. I find it extremely disturbing that people seem to think doing really horrible things to someone is somehow justified if they've cheated on you.

Cheating being ultimately harmless is rather debatable. There's a considerable amount of emotional pain that the one cheated on feels. Think about all the drama that has happened as a result. Betrayed boyfriends trying to hunt down the man their girl slept with. High school girls who ruin a chick's reputation after she ends up sleeping with their boyfriends. More darker tones have murder suicides, usually committed by the betrayed. So personally, I would not say cheating is harmless.

Still... those examples are relatively extreme. So I concede you're right about me, I am a bit extreme. I have perhaps been extreme for quite some time.

But I believe that cheaters should pay for it. I really do. The remorseful ones probably already pay with their torturous conscience and fear of losing who they cherish. But then there are the ones who don't effing give a crap. Even the ones that dump a person they've cheated on. How will they pay? And I guess that's where my extreme thoughts come from. Punishing cheaters.

 

[Irridium]

Been cheated on once. Got insanely pissed, hatched a plan to humiliate the girl, succeed.

On one hand, in hindsight it was a bit much, but on the other hand, she was a cruel, manipulative, goddamn horrible person, so I don't feel much regret.

OK, now I've gotta ask. What was this plan you hatched?

Don't quite feel like going into details. Short version is I got a few other people she burned together, waited for her to rope in another guy, and exposed who she really was.

Was pretty cruel, and I regret essentially sinking to her level. But what's done is done, and I have no doubt that she deserved it.

 

[aegix drakan_v1legacy]

Why should cheating cause psychological problems when it doesn't even involve them? Trust? What if I told my partner in advance I was going to cheat? would that make it ok? I would assume not.

Actually, that's not a problem IMO.

Because that's not "cheating". What you just described is an open relationship.

If both people in a relationship agree from the get go that they can and will sleep with whomever they want, then that's fine. They both agreed to it, more power to 'em.

What me, and many others are probably really upset about is if you're in a relationship, then start an other relationship on the side and don't bother telling the partner. Then it becomes a breach of trust. Because you DON'T have an agreement. The other person has no reason to think you will be sleeping with other people. The other person trusts you to stay true to them because you didn't tell them you wanted an open relationship, and a monogamous relationship is the default.

To turn it into a crappy analogy: It's kind of like if you go to an Italian restaurant and order a spaghetti, but then you get microwave kraft dinner instead and the waiter goes "What? It's noodles! Same thing! Why are you upset?".

Also, some people don't like to be shared, so if they find out that their partner has been going around behind their back, they will feel like you really don't care for them all that much.

So yeah, if you want an open relationship, CLEAR IT WITH THE OTHER PERSON FIRST. If you don't, it's incredibly disrespectful to the other person, especially if the relationship is something more than just an excuse to stick your body parts together just for jollies.

However, if this were the case there should not be a law against bigamy...
I hope peoples opinions change though... the restriction makes no sense.

The main reason those laws still exist is because social conservatives and uber-religious types cling to old and often outdated values and outright REFUSE to allow change.

Pretty much all laws that restrict or demonize consensual relationships between adults are BS and should really no longer exist.

In a perfect world, we wouldn't need those laws, because everyone would be honest about what they expect from the relationship, and the people who are into similar things would get together, with no real mish-mashing of ideals.

Relationships are about clearly defined boundaries bound together through mutual trust. Everyone has different expectations, and things they're comfortable with, and if the couple don't agree on said boundaries they should not be entering a relationship. Its perfectly fine if someone wants an open relationship so they can pursue multiple sexual partners, but holding people to that same expectation when they don't feel the same way is asinine. People want different things out relationships and partners, and if the needs aren't congruent, than its best to find someone else.

A person "cheats" because they breach the boundaries that were established through the relationship.

This guy gets it.

 

[iAmNothing]

I'm always worried that my girlfriend will cheat on me, I guess partly due to the fact that my low self esteem makes me wonder why she's even still with me after 6 months. But when she gets drunk, she gets very handsy and overly close to pretty much anyone, and I mean really close. She says always says that she doesn't remember getting so close to others or that she thinks it's me, but I always suspect that one day I won't be with her when she gets drunk and she'll unknowingly (or maybe even knowingly) do something with someone else, and that's what I would call cheating; whether it's with intent or not. Frankly the whole thought of it scares me and makes me get a tad depressed so whenever she talks about going to a party I just try and block it from my mind and trust that if something were to happen that she would openly tell me and at that point I would judge whether or not it was a forgivable act

 

[Jarek Mace]

I've been cheated on twice. Couldn't give a single fuck either of those times because I find it easy to... not care? I guess? I can't stand commitment either, especially commitment that is longer than a day.

Then another one breaks up with me after, and this sums up my personality:

"..Well, that was abrupt. I think she still owed me sex though, I even got her a fancy bracelet and all! That cost me over £15!"
Then I sat back and realised I was pissed off over the fact that I invested money and didn't get anything out of it. Ha, I'm such an ass.