i dont think you should be focusing on getting him back , i think you are already depressed and probably have been thinking of harming yourself for a while. sounds like lifes sucked for a while and this is whats breaking the relationship. its no different to a broken leg, you need help, get some.soren7550 said:
Boyfriend of 3 1/2 Years Kinda Broke Up With Me
- Thread starter soren7550
- Start date
Recommended Videos
... So, you've pinned your whole life on one person? That's an incredible amount of pressure to put on somebody!soren7550 said:
My recommendation is do some voluntary work. It's great! I know I am about to sound like a Jehovah witness but just try it.
Gets you out the house and doing something, it gets you experience so you can get a paid job, I see you're a "jobless writer" so if you've got writers block it can help, you meet new people and while that is daunting at first, you soon get over it.
Reading number 8, are you serious? Have you met even 0.001% of the human race? I'd be surprised if you have. I'm no relationship doctor but if he is the only friend you have and the only person you can stand, I'm surprised you've lasted 3 years.
People do grate on each other, it's why I have never had a friendship last longer than 4 years but you speed that up by constantly being with only that person.
You can either keep kicking yourself and being "woe is me!", which will do nothing but lead to another pointless as fuck suicide OR you can identify your weaknesses and strengths, buff out your weaknesses and spit shine your strengths.
It's what I did, I took a hard look at myself and thought "what am I great at or what do I want to be great at? Well, what are positive things in a person? Reliability (for example), how do I become more reliable? If I say I will do something do it, not half arse it or forget about it ... do it on time and like your life depended on it!".
I wanted to be known as being punctual at my new job, guess what time I arrive ready for my 8:30 am job? 8am, do I work 2.5 hours more than everybody else there? Yeah but my boss has definitely noticed! You can't just do it once, I've been doing it for 5 months (been at the job 6 months after 4 years unemployment).
I went through them all! I just picked myself apart and now I am working on myself. Like, my money skills SUCK! It's always a steam sale for me! So, I have to figure out a way to reduce my retail therapy!
I knew a girl who I could tell had potential to do whatever she wanted, instead of realizing her potential, she wastes it ... day in and day out! Such a shame, as somebody once said "the real definition of hell is meeting the person you could have been".
I can only tell you how I made myself this cheery ray of sunshine, sup to you if you follow my lead or ignore me. Not saying it will work for you but I'd do anything not type "Making matters worse is the fact that I've been suicidal due to my failings" with sincerity.
Sorry, I've rambled like a goon! And I still have loads I want to say ... now, I'm just rambling about rambling ... somebody stop me! ... PLEASE!?
Go on with your life? Just do whatever you'd normally do without him. That tends to be how to handle break ups. Most relationships tend not to work as it's feeling out who you want or who you don't want. It'll feel like a big deal now, but later it'll just be a stepping stone in your life.soren7550 said:
Get a Chinchilla. They're the fluffiest god damn animals on the planet and with one you'll never care about having a boyfriend again. I have two. Add a third one and I'd freaking die.
They're basically like chubby, shorter bodied squirrels, and are typically as docile as rabbits, though they do like to try and run around sometimes.
They're basically like chubby, shorter bodied squirrels, and are typically as docile as rabbits, though they do like to try and run around sometimes.
They require handling when they're younger. I actually got the two I have from a previous owner who already had 4, so not only did they have prior handling by a person, but they saw me originally as a stranger. Despite that, they were rather calm, and today one is shy and the other is very friendly, but neither of them have ever bit anyone. (they sometimes nibble on my brothers fingers, but certainly never bite.)Boris Goodenough said:
I suppose it depends. I never had or met any that were aggressive.
Well, first off, the physical effects you're experiencing (lack of appetite, insomnia, etc.) are normal - I remember hearing somewhere that it's partly because human beings don't really regulate their own biology (instead, our bodies take their cues from those close to us), and when you have a long-term relationship end, it's like taking an airplane off autopilot with nobody at the stick. It takes a few days, but this part will pass.
When I had a major breakup years ago (somebody I wanted to marry left me), what got me through the depression was painting little fantasy miniatures - it was constructive, peaceful, time-consuming, required my full attention, and had nothing whatsoever to do with romance (or any associations with my ex-girlfriend). I'm not saying that you need to go out and paint miniatures, but I would recommend looking into new hobbies that can keep you occupied in a constructive way and have no associations with your prior relationship.
But, this made me raise an eyebrow:
Then there's this:
And this:
When I had a major breakup years ago (somebody I wanted to marry left me), what got me through the depression was painting little fantasy miniatures - it was constructive, peaceful, time-consuming, required my full attention, and had nothing whatsoever to do with romance (or any associations with my ex-girlfriend). I'm not saying that you need to go out and paint miniatures, but I would recommend looking into new hobbies that can keep you occupied in a constructive way and have no associations with your prior relationship.
But, this made me raise an eyebrow:
Now, I learned a long time ago that love was not enough to keep a relationship going, and you need work as well. But, am I the only one who thinks this sounds a bit...off? I mean, I can see a relationship where one person is in trouble and the other doesn't have the resources to support the first, and that person having to say "I'm sorry, I can't give/lend you any money right now," but that doesn't seem worthy of a breakup to me.
Then there's this:
According to whom? This is not an unimportant question.
And this:
It may be that when it comes to this part that you suffer from clinical depression (I don't have direct experience with it, but my wife does, and parts of this list sound quite familiar to what she's told me things were like before she sought help). Medical assistance can make this better - if nothing else, if your general baseline is accurately reflected by these points, you've got nothing to lose and everything to gain by seeking help.
I was due to get married next year to my partner of 9 years, but she left me for a bloke she'd met online lol. Just remember:
1. Things change. It's life's most certain thing, so understand that where you are in your life now isn't where you will always be.
2. Concentrate on yourself. Whoever you are to be with you have your own life to sort and lead. Relationships are far harder when you're not sorted in yourself.
3. Shit happens. The quicker we accept and move on the quicker better things come into our lives.
1. Things change. It's life's most certain thing, so understand that where you are in your life now isn't where you will always be.
2. Concentrate on yourself. Whoever you are to be with you have your own life to sort and lead. Relationships are far harder when you're not sorted in yourself.
3. Shit happens. The quicker we accept and move on the quicker better things come into our lives.
I was always warned by owners not to have my fingers anywhere near them, which I found weird to have in a house pet.AnthrSolidSnake said:
Hey Soren. Just to say, I've been there. It sucks. Years ago I broke up with my first girlfriend, and it was devastating for a long time, especially as she bounced back much quicker than I did (with a complete douchebag, I might add). I was lucky, in many ways, we are still good friends and it was an easy breakup, but it still hurt like hell, like ripping of my arm or tearing of a chunk of skin. I know it hurts, it hurts really bad. You think that people can't understand, but we can. Most people have been through that pain. I'd like to suggest some of the stuff that I wish someone had said to me when I was just coming out the other side.soren7550 said:
1: Don't get stuck in the house. I don't like exercise either, but go walking. just put on some headphones and get out of the house and walk until you are tired, then walk back. It costs nothing, and staring at the same walls, mulling over what went wrong, will not help.
(the idea about volunteering from Omega616 is a good one. You get to do some good, achieve some personal victories, and meet new people)
2: Don't worry about any diets for the next couple of days. Comfort eat if it gets you through. This is why we invented ice cream and chocolate.
3: Talk to people. Talk to anyone. Talk to your parents, your brother, whoever. Not just words on a screen, but real people. Rant, rave, scream, cry, but get it out of your system. You need to work it through, and bottling it up does not help.
4: If you are feeling really black, and you are feeling like ending it all, go here first and get help.
http://www.suicidepreventionlifeline.org
5: Remember that life goes on. I saw on your profile that you are an aspiring writer? Good for you! Why not try to make something good out of this? Write about the break up, make it into art. Turn the pain you feel right now into something lasting. So much good art comes from the dark places the artist has been to. It doesn't have to be biographical either. If you write genre fiction, use this as an idea for a character, or a short story.
What I'm saying is that its bad now, but it will get better. I hope it does for you.
They do get nervous around strangers without their owner holding them or being nearby. In fact, now that you mention it, they SERIOUSLY hate my cat. They growl and scream when my cat gets near their cage. My dog however...they like my dog. I don't know honestly. I just had my girlfriend over yesterday and she pet my one chinchilla on the nose with no problems.Boris Goodenough said:
I have been im your exact position and i very much understand. Though please dont make the bad decisions i did to cope (or not cope as it were). Being an introvert allows for a deeper romantic relationship...but when its torn away, everything is just pain and self doubt. I allowed myself to be so emotionally dependant on my ex (wierdly 3 1/2 years too) She was my best friend and lover, but it didnt work out. You may not be comfortable with your own company, hell knows im not, but try to put what you feel into creativity. Music. Sing out loud.. really loud. With emotion. Fck the neighbours opinion. Singing is good practice for singing more! At least an hour a day. Screaming too if you like pantera (teehee) etc. Im still not fully over my issues but i avoided them for too long. You have the opportunity to better yourself right away, even though it hurts. You will get to a point where you realise there is so much more to life when you dont require any one persons feelings for you, to justify your worth.(admittedly still work in progress for me, but never stop trying or being aware)
It depends on the Chinchilla, but you really have to corner and make one feel threatened before it will attack you.AnthrSolidSnake said:
My wife and I own one, and I like to say it's "weaponized cuteness." They are only recently domesticated, though, and you have to make friends with them (much of which means that you need to build trust and let them come to you). But, they are a prey animal, and their instinct upon meeting somebody who, from their perspective, is bigger than them and may want to eat them is to hide under something.
Once they're comfortable and feeling safe in their surroundings, they can certainly be assertive when they want. Our Chinchilla, Max, knows how to let us know when he wants something (as I have discovered at around 4:00 in the morning).
There are a few things that I would add about them, though:
1. They are very intelligent, and they do learn. This can be a problem when you're trying to get one back into his/her cage, or trying to prevent one from ninja-ing something away. On a related note, they are also fast as greased lightning, and can jump up to six feet in the air. A fairly nice copy of The Three Musketeers on the top shelf of a closet fell victim to act of Chinchilla (and we thought there was no way he could get that high...do not underestimate the Chinchilla).
2. They live a long time - I'm talking an average lifespan of 16-22 years. So, it's not a short-term commitment.
3. Nibbling is part of how they communicate. Gentle nibbles are a grooming action, and are a sign of affection. If a Chinchilla puts his teeth on your finger and presses down hard without breaking the skin, s/he is expressing displeasure at something.
4. They are nocturnal animals - they are at their most active around dusk and dawn, but they are still active at night, and spend most of their days sleeping.
They are also incredibly rewarding, and I am looking forward to owning a house in the near future so that we'll have enough space to give Max (or "Short n'Furry" as I like to call him) a new friend.
Oh one song i like to hear to feel a little better when missing someone is by PowderFinger...Since you been gone. Recommendation band for you. And no its not a cover of that old Rainbow song 
I really hope you find your peace. It takes a lot of work and i really feel for you. Best wishes...and follow JDs advice from scrubs...get a box of kittens for heartbreak!
I really hope you find your peace. It takes a lot of work and i really feel for you. Best wishes...and follow JDs advice from scrubs...get a box of kittens for heartbreak!
Eh. As I gave it, I'm obviously going to disagree. There is never a bad time for introspection. The less you think about and consider a situation, the more likely you are to fall into unhealthy narratives. Usually it's the "Wicked Ex" narrative, but in this case OP is beating herself up. The less we consider why things happened, the more likely we are to repeat the pattern. You see it all the time. "Why do all my relationships end like X", or "Why do I always end up with a guy/girl who is Y".PsychicTaco115 said:
You could argue "now is now the time" as OP presents as clinically depressed, but that wasn't readily apparent from her opening post, and only became obvious after her response to me. She should be seeking medical attention and likely therapeutic intervention, which...again...will require introspection.
It will either free you or destroy you. If you let go of who you were and see this as an opportunity to build a new life and focus on yourself, your own happiness and your own future this will go a lot better for you. You are emotionally devastated but you are not intellectually damaged. Book a class or do something you always wanted to do but never had the time too. Fill up your day with stimulating activities. Hit the gym, join an art class and focus on yourself.soren7550 said:
Give yourself a project and goals that will push you and help you focus away from the pain. You can either wallow in grief and self pity or pick yourself up and get out there and build a new life. You are alone now and that can be a good thing. You are free to not follow any expectations that anyone has for you. Nothing will hurt worse than you hurt right now, if you can survive this you can survive anything. You are invincible.
Go out and do productive, exhausting things so that you won't have the strength to cry when you get home. Spend time with friends and maybe ask one to join you on your new journey of self discovery. You are a whole new person now that you are alone and like any birth it's traumatic and painful but you have an opportunity to grow from adversity. It's hard and it sucks so you plant your feet and meet it head on. You will hurt for a long time, but ultimately in the long run you can grow from this and figure out what you want/need from a man in the future and what you can provide for yourself. Trust someone who figured this stuff out the hard way. Most importantly if you need to talk to someone, talk to someone who listens without judgement and lets you say what you need to say. avoid people who see this as an opportunity to air out their emotional baggage. You need positivity and realism here. You can be happy again, I was in the exact same boat as you and it was all for the best. I am a much better person because of it. It hurt for a long time, but now i focus on the good times and I see the bad more clearly. My current girlfriend benefited quite a lot from it so some good came of it.
Be pro-active with finding more gainful employment and spend less time on social media seeking the pity/comfort of strangers.
If he doesn't take you back after that, at least you'll now be more financially sound.
If he doesn't take you back after that, at least you'll now be more financially sound.
- Mar 17, 2012
- 5,950
- 14
- 43
- Country
- United States
Introspection is a good thing but it's going to be clouded by the hurt, the pain that comes from a break-up. I worry that she'll end up analyzing every action done in that relationship to try and find out what was "wrong" as well as putting the blame solely on herself.BloatedGuppy said:
This is a personal case but I'm depressed too. I always look at my actions and always find flaws in every thing that I do. Doing that in regards to a relationship just isn't healthy at this time.
There's a reason people say the mind is your worst enemy
And that's fair criticism, especially given what appears to be a propensity for hostile self-talk by the OP, but the circumstances of her fairly evident depression were not apparent when I gave her my original reply. If they had been, it would have been full of a lot of "talk to your doctor about anti-depressants" and "look into therapy ASAP". I recommend films and escapism and ice cream for people who have the blues and a spot of heart break, not people actively considering suicide. Tin Roof Sundae is great stuff but it's not a remedy for clinical depression, hating everyone but your ex, or fantasies of self-harm.PsychicTaco115 said: