Can you guys give me some advice?
- Thread starter nightingale27
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Slap the ***** back in line, if she does it again, BREAK HER JAW!
Seriously though, this looks like a job for the Relationship Thread.
Seriously though, this looks like a job for the Relationship Thread.
Considering she was drunk, and that she told you about it, and that you are unsure about your decision, I say you should give he a second chance, but should this happen again, dump her(don't be her fool)!
I mean accidents do happen, but if this persist it clearly wasn't an accident.
I mean accidents do happen, but if this persist it clearly wasn't an accident.
I know what *I* would do in that situation, but... that is probably not what *you* ought to do, if only because you likely have different circumstances.
To put it simply, cheating on a relationship is the worst sin in the world for me short of "the big three" (Murder, Rape, Torture). For that reason, my normal instincts would push me to the point of extreme anger at first, though I probably would be good enough to conceal this from the person in question. It would come out later when I was somewhere all alone, just as all my other "extreme" emotions do (Joy, Sadness, or Anger).
My first instinct from there would likely be revenge or some other very sinister action that would basically be a "break-up and more" idea. Considering my past history, the fact that anyone would have cheated on me likely would prompt such a response, because I have a history of making examples out of people to hold up to others in order to say "don't do what this idiot did." Chance are however, i'd only take this approach if the person who cheated appeared to show a lack of shame for their actions. They showed no care for your feelings, and so I in turn would show no care for their livelihood. That is a vicious road to cross.
At the same time, such thoughts are unlikely to yield a really good result, and this is something I know well. Revenge is an ugly business. Also, since this is a case of someone seeming to feel bad about this, vicious revenge isnt exactly the best option. So, once i had cooled off a bit and had a chance to relax once things had sunk in, i'd probably assess what occured.
There are basically two real options. You can tell them to go away. Simple, done deal. How much you would let it be known as to why you decided to break it off is at your discretion, as well as based off of an understanding of how the other person is. If they are a spiteful type, then i'd be a little wary of going too far, but thats a given.
But the other option... and its the one that I think fits this case well, is to keep things going, if only for a while. If this person really did come forward so quickly, then they clearly do feel bad about it. If things are to continue, chances are the other person will have to be on some kind of "probation" of sorts, and they will have to know it to be as such. Nobody walks away from such action lightly, but it is up to you and your specific situation to determine just how to carry that out. In short, keep the person, but don't let them forget what they did.
In the long term though... it depends I guess on your own comfort zone. I've never been cheated on, or really had a serious relationship, but I do know that I am someone, thanks to past events, that trust is extremely difficult to acquire with. Wven with people I do trust, I am always asking myself whether or not I should. I am someone who is prepared, possibly resigned, to a feeling that someone will abandon or take advantage of me sometime in the future. When people actually do such things, I have in some cases managed to maintain a friendship with them, but the trust I placed in them is permanently shattered, and a loss of trust from me basically is a loss of true honesty. And without true honesty from me, a person is inevitably confined into a place where they know little to nothing of what I really think or believe. Its a death sentence for that relationship, and its a place that people don't come back from in my world.
Because of that, chances are if someone was to cheat on me, that relationship would probably linger on for a little while, but it would probably never develop into anything serious or go into the long term. I find people who cheat on others to be far too morally disgusting for me to want to be intimate with such people, no matter how guilty that person feels.
That's just my opinion.
- Rei
To put it simply, cheating on a relationship is the worst sin in the world for me short of "the big three" (Murder, Rape, Torture). For that reason, my normal instincts would push me to the point of extreme anger at first, though I probably would be good enough to conceal this from the person in question. It would come out later when I was somewhere all alone, just as all my other "extreme" emotions do (Joy, Sadness, or Anger).
My first instinct from there would likely be revenge or some other very sinister action that would basically be a "break-up and more" idea. Considering my past history, the fact that anyone would have cheated on me likely would prompt such a response, because I have a history of making examples out of people to hold up to others in order to say "don't do what this idiot did." Chance are however, i'd only take this approach if the person who cheated appeared to show a lack of shame for their actions. They showed no care for your feelings, and so I in turn would show no care for their livelihood. That is a vicious road to cross.
At the same time, such thoughts are unlikely to yield a really good result, and this is something I know well. Revenge is an ugly business. Also, since this is a case of someone seeming to feel bad about this, vicious revenge isnt exactly the best option. So, once i had cooled off a bit and had a chance to relax once things had sunk in, i'd probably assess what occured.
There are basically two real options. You can tell them to go away. Simple, done deal. How much you would let it be known as to why you decided to break it off is at your discretion, as well as based off of an understanding of how the other person is. If they are a spiteful type, then i'd be a little wary of going too far, but thats a given.
But the other option... and its the one that I think fits this case well, is to keep things going, if only for a while. If this person really did come forward so quickly, then they clearly do feel bad about it. If things are to continue, chances are the other person will have to be on some kind of "probation" of sorts, and they will have to know it to be as such. Nobody walks away from such action lightly, but it is up to you and your specific situation to determine just how to carry that out. In short, keep the person, but don't let them forget what they did.
In the long term though... it depends I guess on your own comfort zone. I've never been cheated on, or really had a serious relationship, but I do know that I am someone, thanks to past events, that trust is extremely difficult to acquire with. Wven with people I do trust, I am always asking myself whether or not I should. I am someone who is prepared, possibly resigned, to a feeling that someone will abandon or take advantage of me sometime in the future. When people actually do such things, I have in some cases managed to maintain a friendship with them, but the trust I placed in them is permanently shattered, and a loss of trust from me basically is a loss of true honesty. And without true honesty from me, a person is inevitably confined into a place where they know little to nothing of what I really think or believe. Its a death sentence for that relationship, and its a place that people don't come back from in my world.
Because of that, chances are if someone was to cheat on me, that relationship would probably linger on for a little while, but it would probably never develop into anything serious or go into the long term. I find people who cheat on others to be far too morally disgusting for me to want to be intimate with such people, no matter how guilty that person feels.
That's just my opinion.
- Rei
nightingale27 said:
You wanna know the most messed up thing ever? I feel genuinly jealous, why? Well you mention a curfew so I'm gonna asume you're still a teen and yet you have to deal with (pardon my use of words) sh!t like this. I'm 22 have no friends or social contacts and never even felt "love" for a girl (or a guy for that matter). Threads like these always depress me because they show just how much of a social outcast I truly am. They always scare me and make it seem like there are only 2 way's out: 1 A tall building. 2 The French foreign legion. (Both of these options would decrease my lifespan by quite a bit).
OT:
I always say that the only way to lose all control over what you want to do is by drinking yourself in a coma or something pretty damn close to such a state. If that were the case for your GF then the other guy is a rapist imo.
That said do you think YOU wil be able to let this go? Because if you can't and still give it a try it'll only destroy your relationship further to the point of you guy's not even being able to be in the same room withouth hate spewing everywhere.
Whatever you decide to do goodluck and remember you need to be happy with your decision. To hell with what anyone else may or may not think.
Ps I apologise for any and all spelling mistakes, spellcheck is failing me and I'm a dyslexic non-native speaker
All right. Has she ever done something like this before? Even remotely like this? I believe in second chances, but just second chances. Cause that's grounds for going nuclear. I suggest that you don't leave her, but ask her not to drink at parties any more.
ahhh... the turns of romance. this is why i said screw it to the whole relationship idea and live my days with friends instead of loves. or maybe thats cause i'm a anti-social-non-athletic- zombie-drawing-book-reading geek. yay for me! this really isn't advice, cause i agree with Kpt._Rob's extensive speech that this really wasn't the best idea, and his morals of life is hard so grow a pair (layman terms, he put it much more sophisticatedly)
No, you're not confused. You already know what you're going to do. Gathering opinions here is just another way of second guessing yourself.nightingale27 said:
Fact of the matter is that there's no solution to this situation that won't leave you feeling like shit in one way or another. No solution that won't leave her feeling like shit either but seeing as she made this situation her feelings aren't the major concern here.
With that in mind, do what you think/feel is the best option for you.
If you can truly love her and you can truly see a future with her, you could give her another chance. Just know that it could be quite awkward and tense, full of silences where you will both be thinking about what happened.
Cheating in a relationship is quite hard near to impossible to overcome completely, I'm sorry but it's true.
It would be best to turn to your friends in this situation. Either way, they will be the ones comforting you in the end, and they'll have the best advice for you as they know you the most and they'll put you're best interests at heart.
Cheating in a relationship is quite hard near to impossible to overcome completely, I'm sorry but it's true.
It would be best to turn to your friends in this situation. Either way, they will be the ones comforting you in the end, and they'll have the best advice for you as they know you the most and they'll put you're best interests at heart.
Just as a heads up to all of you who gave me advice, I chose to forgive her... lets see how this goes...
She cheated. LEAVE HER!!! Trust me on this please. My exwife used that EXACT same excuse "I was drunk" (though she later admitted that she had more adultery the next morning after she sobered up). I gave her another chance and she just kept cheating. If you are going to try a continued relationship with her (which I recommend against) make it CRYSTAL CLEAR that you will NOT take her back or speak to her ever again if she does it again.
OT: Who wants to bet on it?
Yeah, I trust my current wife but don't like the idea of her going to a party alone either. It's not that I don't trust her, I don't trust those other people (my exwife was raped at a party and, yes, I'm certain it was rape and not adultery by the crying, screaming, etc...that night didn't go well).similar.squirrel said:
Like I said, make sure that you make it CLEAR that she can NOT do that again or you will break up with her and never speak to her again. That's my advice. Let me know how it works out.nightingale27 said:
OT: Who wants to bet on it?