Confidence: How do I get some? Also talking to the ladies

[Naeras]

There isn't a quick-fix to this. The only pieces of advice I can offer are the following:

1. Socialize with people. Both men and women. Not with the intent of getting into the pants of said women, but as actual acquaintances. Befriend people. Get used to talking to people. Enjoy their company. You'll feel more comfortable with being around women automatically.
Incidentally, female friends are also one of the best ways to get to meet even more women.

2. Man the fuck up and push your limits. You say you don't dare talk to women? Then do it. Women usually appreciate attention as long as you're not creepy or clingy. You might get a few blatant rejections from time to time, but even though that stings a bit, you probably didn't want to associate with those anyways.

3. Don't tell yourself anything of the sort of "but why would a woman want me to talk to her?", because that just cooks up more insecurity and makes rejections hurt even harder. Instead, tell yourself that if she doesn't want to talk to you, that's her loss, and then just move on. Don't dwell it.

There's no quick-fix to confidence, though. You just have to work with it and get more comfortable around women, and it takes time. Then again, it took 18 months for me to go from "hopelessly depressed" to "pretty popular with the women" when I just went out of my way to socialize and make friends, so it's very much something that can be done.

 

[darlarosa]

Be yourself and man up. Women and Men are people, they just want you to be yourself(albeit at first a tad self contained). Go with the flow. There is nothing worse than fake people, or people who are so self conscious they are in effectual.

 

[Aurora Firestorm]

Talking to people can be hard! Some people do it naturally, and some people find it to be about as easy as pulling your own teeth out, but it's learnable.

Practice is really the way to do it. Concerts may not be the best place to start, because people aren't there to interact so much as to pay attention to the band. Go somewhere that interaction is the point. Find a hobby group of some kind, or a gaming mob, or some such thing that fits your interests, and even if you spend the first few days lurking, people will talk to you. Attempt to talk about whatever is going on at the time, which has the extra advantage of not being about you and thus not as sensitive if someone doesn't react the way you hope they would or something like that.

Also, bonus, most people love to talk about themselves. Ask a couple of questions that genuinely interest you, and even if you're not a chatterbox, others will respond and carry out conversation. If you're looking to talk to girls, act as if the gender doesn't matter, and ask them a couple things about themselves.

(Also, this is all assuming that you do the basic things like hygiene and decent clothing. It sounds like selling out to say it, but it's always better to overdress than underdress, and oftentimes wearing a nice outfit inspires some "yeah I'm awesome" mentality. I like wearing a snappy blazer when it's cool enough outside, because it just makes me feel awesome, and the confidence leaks out. Comb your hair, have a mint, feel shinied up. It helps. )

 

[LetalisK]

*puts on a parrot costume*

Practice. Just like with any other skill, talking to women takes practice. And just like any other skill, you're probably going to suck ass at it for awhile until you get your reps in. Just jump in and keep low expectations.

 

[purplecactus]

I used to have the same problem myself, then a good friend told me to grow a pair and just do it, and I did. I might not be the most confident person around just now, but I can talk to girls. Hell, I've even managed to get a few numbers. Before I'd panic, make a few odd sounds and go hide in a corner...

You know what I found that works? Just talk to them. Say hi. Make a comment about something going on around you. The worst that'll happen is that she finds an excuse to leave. And so what? Repeat process. Gain confidence. Get an idea of what to say and what not to say. It'll start working for you eventually, just keep building on it, and keep talking to people.

 

[Byte2222]

Alright, I can't tell you how to fix this. I don't know you and I doubt there's even a solution that one can put in a forum reply and it fixes everything. However, since I've been in a similar place in the past maybe my experiences can help because like you I've lacked confidence in my past. Like you I've been very shy and have been in a few dark places when I've done some serious reflecting. I'm not even completely done yet, I've fought some of the fights against myself and feel more confident but still don't mix enough with others and have still never had a girlfriend.

When it clicked for me was when, having successfully convinced myself that I was worthless and nobody would miss me if I was gone, I convinced myself that I wasn't worthless, that I did have plenty to offer and people would miss me when I was gone. I don't know if you've ever been told "you're better at this than you think you are," but it's absolutely true; when I looked at what I've done and learned in my time I realised that I did have plenty of skills and talent and that I could make a difference.

I don't know if I can help but my advice is: find a hobby to go and meet people with (for me it was archery), try to relax, whatever the consequence is you can deal with it and remember that you are worth something and have plenty to offer others.

Also: this is my first post bit of a serious one but I thought I'd chip in.

 

[DevilWithaHalo]

Might I suggest putting something snappy on a shirt and walking around?

I did that once for fun, boy did I get a lot of comments. And what's a comment besides a conversation starter?

Or getting yourself a dog, like a Corgi. Chicks love Corgis. And you'll get the multitude of benefits from being a dog owner, including confidence!

Fact: dogs are better then girlfriends. Just don't have sex with them OK?

 

[Quiet Stranger]

The best way to gain confidence around other people is to realize that they're just as weak, scared, human and vulnerable as you are. Everybody is, really. We're soft little mobile flesh sacks meandering around in an infinitely huge and hostile world... the idea that any of us could look down on anything is a bit absurd.

 

[Phasmal]

Eh, I looked at this earlier but didn't post anything because it's hard to think of something constructive to add. Mostly because I have no idea why people have issues talking to anyone.
I get how flirting can be awkward*, but just talking is harmless, right?

Anyways, I think the best advice I can give would be to pay attention to body-language and it will be easier to tell if you are barking up the wrong tree or making someone uncomfortable.

*I'm terrible at telling when someone is flirting with me.

 

[Xaio30]

I found it harder to talk to myself in the mirror than talking to women.

My solution was simply to talk to myself in the mirror until talking to women felt more like a relief than an ordeal.

 

[Nethlem]

Dude heres the best piece of advise i can offer, don't hate yourself be proud of who you are and make sure you are first happy with who you are.

If you are not happy, then change, become the person you want to be (easier said than done ill admit) but plan it all out take little steps, you want to go on a diet research and plan accordingly.

Sounds shit, but you gotta love yourself before you can expect others to love you.

In Tyler we trust.

Gotta agree with this one, at least it's often my issue.
If you smile at the world it will smile back at you, might sound like some cheesy crap but it actually works for me.

If i'm in a bad mood and think too badly about myself i can't muster up the courage/motivation to talk to anyone. But if i'm in a good mood i basically talk to everybody that comes across me and i seldom get negative/bad reactions.

Maybe has to do with the whole being "self-conscious and paranoid" thing, if you feel like that then you project those very same feelings on the people around you, of course that will be a demotivating mindset as you will always think "Man i wouldn't want to talk to a guy like me either!" but in my experience most people don't even think that deeply/far about other people around them.

Most people are kinda ignorant about the humans around them and they quickly forget and judge them, that's kinda sad but it's also kinda good. Because those people are easy to impress and surprise when you go out of yourself in a way they wouldn't expect.

Find something you feel good about and you are proud of, share it with others, try to find something about yourself that makes you unique and "good". Define yourself as a person and character by the values in your head and your actual motivations, not by the things you imagine other people might think about you. In the end the only real judge of your person can only be yourself, so lighten up and go easier on yourself.


A good way to make yourself feel great is going out to buy yourself a nice set of new clothing that look good, go a little bit out of your usual comfort zone for that. But make sure to take a friend along who has some fashion and aesthetic sense for an independent third opinion. That's also a great way to meet new people.

Couple that with some positive thinking and you will feel like a new person on the inside and the outside which ought to give you some motivation and confidence. Just make sure to accept that as yourself and not feel like you are playing some "role", that's the worst thing you can do. Stay true to yourself without stagnation, change in small steps is always good, as it's the natural way of personal growth and evolution.

 

[FieryTrainwreck]

I'm going to take a different approach to this question.

People will tell you to pump yourself up and get excited about who you are and what you offer and all that jazz.

I think you need to realize that you're just some dude. You're not special or important, and the interactions you have with other people, women or otherwise, aren't going to change the world. You can say and do pretty much whatever, within reason, and the impact will be minimal. If you're awkward, no one will really care. If you're an ass, no one will really care. Tomorrow will bring a whole new crowd of people. They might judge you in the moment, but I doubt they'll be hanging on to any strong negative feelings - you're just not that important.

Truth be told: there's a certain ego in being shy and quiet. You're broadcasting a self-importance, a belief that your words should be guarded or carefully chosen, when that's just not the case. In the vast majority of social situations, the free-flowing, talkative, outgoing folks are the ones who don't care what people think of them. Yes, there are jerks who try to dominate every encounter because they need attention, but they're simply overcompensating for the way a lot of the quiet, shy people are feeling, too.

So my overall advice would be to get over yourself, so to speak. As long as you're polite and thoughtful and, well, yourself, no one can get too mad at or creeped out by you. If you have a bad interaction, so what? They happen, and you're not so special or unique that they shouldn't happen to you.

 

[JustShyofGenius]

Tequila.

 

[Kahunaburger]

Firstly, don't go for a quick fix you read somewhere. Also, most advice you get from net randoms will be crap, especially when it involves women, especially on a gaming site.

Secondly, and this is very important, ladies are human beings much the same as you are. Seriously, if you can talk to a human being, you can talk to a human being, even if that human being is female.

Above: trufax.

The one exception I'd make to the "take no advice from the internets" is the following:

Tequila.

 

[RustlessPotato]

Meh, when I talk to girls I talk to them the same way as I talk with guys. Like people. Once you get that they're not special beings, it'll be easy.

 

[Vrach]

I'd suggest working out. Not sure how much you're in shape, but it always helps imo, you feel a lot better about yourself after a while and it instills quite a bit of confidence. I don't mean go to the gym, get super toned and stuff like that, but if you're even a bit out of shape, simply doing some exercises at home, going running, biking, swimming or something will do a lot for you (it's not just a looks thing, you feel awesome just knowing you did something positive for yourself).

Beyond that, it's just about getting over your insecurities and taking the leap. But honestly, you'll have a much easier time finding someone through friends, at parties and such than a concert. Don't get me wrong, it's not impossible, if a situation arises where you meet a girl/group, can happen, but approaching someone just like that... haven't seen many people hook up like that (unless you're looking for one night stands, but got a feeling you're not).

Start hanging out with more people, over time you'll meet their friends, friends of their friends and again, that's really the best way to start a relationship imo. Try being a bit more free at bars/clubs, you might meet someone. It's not too often something substantial will come out of it, but it could boost your confidence. Also, get used to rejection. It's really not a big deal and you can't let it get you down, not even for a second. Someone doesn't like you, no worries, move on.

If you like someone, never drag it out. Ask them out to coffee/beer after you see/talk to them a few times, then movies/club/whatever and so on, whatever you both like, get to know each other a bit. Be forward about what you want, girls like it and if they don't like you, you won't get invested too much before they reject you, so it'll be easier to take and move on from.

If you're shy and worried you won't know what to say on a date, just think of a few backup topics to fall onto. You're not gonna just jump in someone's face and say "date me!", so you'll likely have talked to them before a few times. Think of something they've mentioned (pet, siblings, parents, their job/studies/interests/etc.), make a mental note of it and keep it like an ace in the hole. Chances are you're not even gonna need any of them, but just knowing you have something to fall back on will make you feel more secure and therefore confident. Talking about both them and yourself is always pretty easy as well.

Don't be afraid of seeming geeky or something either. You shouldn't shove it in their faces, but if you mention it and gently play it down, it'll spark an interest and they'll likely ask you more about it. Hell, every date I've been on I've been asked about my interest in games, programming and game design, despite the girls I've dated having usually nothing to do with it and me thus trying to avoid talking about it (as I could go on for hours on the subjects and don't want to bore someone).

Really, it all comes down to self-confidence. Don't think you're doomed to having none, it's just a matter of practice, no one's confident when it comes to something they rarely do. Just hang out with people, kick up a conversation now and then, stay included and most of all, relax. Don't think about how you're doing, don't try not thinking about how you're doing, just chill out and chat with the person and you'll get the hang of it very quickly.

 

[guidance]

I found a really good way to be confident is to be extremely narcissistic with yourself. It's a hard thing for people to do because we are told to always be humble, but when your alone just tell your self that you are fucking amazing. Embrace every part of yourself and just say you are awesome. You aren't paranoid, those people are pointing and staring at you, do you know why? Because it's you, holy shit, you are at this concert with these people. Those lucky people get to enjoy a concert with you. Surprisingly it really does work. I'm a short quiet nerdy kid. First year engineering I hung out with Jocks who discussed their sexual exploits, I've never even kissed a girl. I openly expressed my video game love, my want to learn how to play magic the gathering. Yet I was designated as the guy who no one was allowed to fuck with for some reason. Think of all the things that make you who you are and amplify them to make them the most important things in the world.

When your mad about your current position in life, or lack of relationships just think of these things. Think of all the amazing things in your life and realize, fuck being mad this is awesome. If people don't feel like talking to you, that's their problem, but put in the effort to make friends with those that do come up to you.

You don't have to have this seemingly self obsessed attitude out in the open for everyone to see, but take the time to tell yourself that you are fucking amazing at least once a week. Showers are a nice time, they block out all outside distractions.

 

[Draconalis]

ladies are human beings much the same as you are.

I'mma dragon. Never forget this.