Conflict of Interest

[Melon Hunter]

as if the entire female population operate under some hive mind mentality. That's not the case.

We don't take kindly to that kind of deranged thinking around these parts...

Um... is this sarcasm, or have you misconstrued my post as me thinking all women behave and think exactly the same? Not meaning to have a go at you, but I would just like to clear up any misunderstanding.

It was sarcasm, I'll be more clear about it in the future

Ah, fair enough then. Curse my lacking sense of humour =P

 

[shrimpcel]

I have a girlfriend. I'm also a nerd who likes video games. So I don't think you should worry. You'll meet someone.

 

[Glass Joe]

1) Don't pretend to be someone you aren't. That is not the way to long term happiness.
2) As a lot of girls get older their preferance shifts from bad boys to the kind of guys they can see themselves marrying and having kids with... patience may be your best bet.
3) (This is the delicate one) Have a good look at yourself, and ask the opinion of someone who you can trust, and who you can trust to tell you the truth. A lot of us guys who are deeply into games/gaming/anime/sci-fi/fantasy are pretty lacking in social skills, without realy understanding that. It may be that you need to re-evaluate some basic aspects of how you relate to people, and how you talk to people. And no, developing your social skills is not the same as changing yourself, or pretending to be something you arent.

And before I get smashed for making that comment, it isn't hating, its just the truth. Any skill needs to be used and practiced to be developed, and anyone who has a chosen lifestyle that removes them from mainstream society for a lot of their leisure time just doesn't work on developing those skills.

I have to give credit to Peter for this bit of advice. If you have problems attracting women, and it is mostly about attracting them not chasing them, then it's likely that you aren't totally honest with yourself or open about who you are to others.

People, not just women, respect people who respect themselves. What do you like about yourself? Find a girl who likes those things about you too. The trick is to put yourself out there and expose who you really are to the people you interact with so that your girl can find you while you're finding her. Just get comfortable with who you are and make friends with whoever responds well to the true you. At the same time respect your differences with others in order to find common ground and bond through what you have in common with them.

Having well developed social skills is essential for finding love and friendship and it all starts with accepting who you are.

 

[Paragon Fury]

I have a girlfriend. I'm also a nerd who likes video games. So I don't think you should worry. You'll meet someone.

Somehow I don't share your confidence.

 

[manic_depressive13]

Video games, particularly in the way I think a lot of men mean when they say "I like video games" means something completely different than when women say "I like video games". One means something along the lines of a major sporting event; wherein competitiveness, story loud noises and obsessing over stats is the norm while the other is referring more to something like Farmville or maybe an Xbox Live Arcade game. They're not exactly talking about the same thing; and when they are it becomes even harder because every man in the room takes note because something rarer than gold has just made itself known.

No... To begin with, you should probably stop subscribing to mildly offensive stereotypes. There are plenty of girls and boys who like a vast array of different games. Many girls are competetive and choose stats over princess outfits. It's true that some guys start acting like retards when a girl starts to play, but most of them are normal and don't give a fuck. Besides, this issue can be easily circumvented by not using a mic.

Moving on, I guarantee you that there are girls out there who are exactly like you. Yeah, that's right, exactly the same. Right down to your self-proclaimed lack of attractiveness. If you can't forgive that despite having found someone who cares about you and shares your somewhat eccentric interests, maybe you deserve to be alone.

I'm also assuming you're referring to the "nice guys" article. That article stipulates that the "nice guy" label applies to those guys who are being nice with the hope that it will get them into a girl's pants. Girls can usually tell when you are doing this and it naturally freaks them the hell out. If you are generally kind to all of God's creatures, the "nice guy" label doesn't apply, because, well, you'd actually be a nice guy.

 

[Paragon Fury]

Video games, particularly in the way I think a lot of men mean when they say "I like video games" means something completely different than when women say "I like video games". One means something along the lines of a major sporting event; wherein competitiveness, story loud noises and obsessing over stats is the norm while the other is referring more to something like Farmville or maybe an Xbox Live Arcade game. They're not exactly talking about the same thing; and when they are it becomes even harder because every man in the room takes note because something rarer than gold has just made itself known.

No... To begin with, you should probably stop subscribing to mildly offensive stereotypes. There are plenty of girls and boys who like a vast array of different games. Many girls are competetive and choose stats over princess outfits. It's true that some guys start acting like retards when a girl starts to play, but most of them are normal and don't give a fuck. Besides, this issue can be easily circumvented by not using a mic.

Moving on, I guarantee you that there are girls out there who are exactly like you. Yeah, that's right, exactly the same. Right down to your self-proclaimed lack of attractiveness. If you can't forgive that despite having found someone who cares about you and shares your somewhat eccentric interests, maybe you deserve to be alone.

I'm also assuming you're referring to the "nice guys" article. That article stipulates that the "nice guy" label applies to those guys who are being nice with the hope that it will get them into a girl's pants. Girls can usually tell when you are doing this and it naturally freaks them the hell out. If you are generally kind to all of God's creatures, the "nice guy" label doesn't apply, because, well, you'd actually be a nice guy.

The problem is that it seems more and more regular nice guys are just getting lumped in with "Nice Guys", for little reason than people are too jaded and unwilling to try and make out the difference.

 

[manic_depressive13]

The problem is that it seems more and more regular nice guys are just getting lumped in with "Nice Guys", for little reason than people are too jaded and unwilling to try and make out the difference.

It's really quite easy to discern the difference. If you're kind to everyone, you're genuinely nice. If you change your behaviour in front of girls and frankly make them feel uncomfortable due to some backward idea of chivalry, you're a "Nice Guy". If you're the former, good for you. Of course girls like nice guys. Thing is, I would imagine the majority of guys are nice. Being nice isn't special. It's not like the average guy runs around punching girls in the face and telling them they're fat. They talk to them and treat them normally. So just how nice do you think you'd need to be to make your niceness stand out as more of a feature than everone else's? Are you imagining that? That is when it becomes creepy.

 

[Paragon Fury]

The problem is that it seems more and more regular nice guys are just getting lumped in with "Nice Guys", for little reason than people are too jaded and unwilling to try and make out the difference.

It's really quite easy to discern the difference. If you're kind to everyone, you're genuinely nice. If you change your behaviour in front of girls and frankly make them feel uncomfortable due to some backward idea of chivalry, you're a "Nice Guy". If you're the former, good for you. Of course girls like nice guys. Thing is, I would imagine the majority of guys are nice. Being nice isn't special. It's not like the average guy runs around punching girls in the face and telling them they're fat. They talk to them and treat them normally. So just how nice do you think you'd need to be to make your niceness stand out as more of a feature than everone else's? Are you imagining that? That is when it becomes creepy.

Apparently "normal" isn't good enough though.

 

[Lerasai]

Maybe the girls you talk to can tell that you actually resent them. Seriously, you are coming off really bitter here. Plus, this idea that you have that all women are casual gamers and all men are hardcore is a little offensive to me and probably any other girl you've mentioned it to. You seem like a nice guy, but I think being treated as if you weren't "good enough" for the girls you've liked in the past has effected your confidence and the way you think about women. I think you should take some time to get back your self-esteem before you become one of those "All women are heartless bitches who only care about cars and money"-guys. Nobody likes those guys.

 

[StarsintheBlood]

Okay, my first impression is that you're being a smidge bitter/insecure, and by extension, kind of a jerkass. But I'm going to take the sensitivity route and tell a little story.
My friends and I are all female, hardcore gamers, and fairly into anime. I can't say we're unattractive, and a few of us are pretty well off financially. You're making assumptions based on negative experiences that immediately would turn me off if I met you. The one male in my group is a massive nerd, hasn't got much money and isn't exactly a stud, but is still the core of our group because he's confident in himself. We can have fun doing what we love together- and that includes gaming, reading comics, and watching anime. Hell, we all met through our love of a dorky children's cartoon.

The moral of the story is this: If you don't want women to look down on you, stop looking down on yourself. There ARE girls out there who would be happy to be with you, but they're not going to take the time to nurse a guy with no self esteem. Stop comparing every woman you meet to those two women- they weren't right for you. Not because they were too good for you, but because they didn't share your interests.

 

[Belaam]

You mention grades, I'm assuming college, so still pretty young.

From your few paragraphs (i.e. take all the rest with a grain of salt), I'd say your biggest problem is confidence. Confidence needs something to be confident about. It can be something pretty dorky though. I would have identified myself in rather similar terms to you around the end of my Junior year of high school. I had friends who would have described themselves the same well into college. But as I got older and branched out in talents, I became a lot more confident. Find something that interests you, get good at it, and go places where other people like that. Join an anime or gaming club at school, or found one. Find another activity that is a little more social and interests you and get good at it.

I would suspect that you have a bit of a doormat thing going. Don't give the time of day to people who try to use you. If you don't respect yourself and whatever positive trait you bring to the table, why would someone else respect you for them? "I will love you no matter what" is not a positive trait. "If we are together, you will come first in my life" is.

Others have commented on your anger or bitterness too. That will come through. Particularly if you ever gripe about it, make sad puppydog eyes, etc. If you are happy in your life, others will be interested in joining that happiness. No one wants to join an unhappy relationship.

The traits you identify yourself with are not automatically damning to women. My wife hates sports so loves gaming because I can almost always press pause - she also likes MMOs and has played everything from EQ to City of Heroes to WoW with me. I know married couples who cosplay and a college friend who dressed as the front half of an AT-AT last Halloween. My college anime club may have actually had more women than men.

Take classes you like, pursue a job you will enjoy, and go to conventions for things you enjoy. I know it's a cliche that you meet someone when you quit looking, but if you quit looking because you are busy doing things you enjoy, there's a lot of truth in that.

 

[Astoria]

I'm a girl and when I say I play video games I mean games like Fallout, Assassins Creed, the Batman games ect. We don't all mean Farmville you know.

Have you really tried looking for the kind of girl who's into what you like because just off the top of my head I can think of 4 girls who like anime and I don't have many friends. And your partner doesn't have to like everything you do when you meet. When I first got with my boyfriend I wasn't much of a gamer and didn't know anything about his other hobbies but two years later and I'm more obsessed with some of them than he is. If you keep looking for the perfect girl you'll never find her because she doesn't exist.

Also humour and looks really aren't super important. Do you really want to be with a shallow girl who only cares about looks? And humour is just one small thing that can initially attract a girl to you but it sure won't make her stay.

 

[BiggDoggJake]

Be yourself really is a true statement, as much as it may seem cliche.

You can't swing a dead cat on this planet without finding a girl who likes you for who you are, and they're 99% of the time attractive to you.


The problem is, the vast majority of people don't know how to be who they are. Myself included

 

[BiggDoggJake]

I remember when I considered myself unattractive. And I was so unpolluted by the world, and I still found people who liked me for who I was, and I thought they were FINE.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=aLKZCVvBcBU&feature=related

 

[trooper6]

Apparently "normal" isn't good enough though.

Of course it isn't good enough. It isn't even good enough for *you.* You said yourself:

There are only two women I've ever really liked liked, and they both were way out of my league, even when I got into college. And I'll admit that I have trouble being attracted to "average" women, particularly after knowing the both of them; they were just that far above what most women. I try and deal with it.

So there are these normal women who exist, many of whom I bet are "nice"--but they aren't good enough for you. So why should you think it should be different when the shoe is on the other foot?

You have got crazy high standards while at the same time you have no self-confidence...that isn't going to get you very far.

Let's get into some details:
1. You said you don't think you are attractive. If you don't think you are attractive there are going to be problems in getting other people to think you are attractive. You need to work on that. Do you need to start working out? Get a new haircut? Start dressing better? Do something to make yourself feel attractive. Work on feeling attractive.
2. Being nice isn't enough. You need to have some other qualities. Luckily you have some: video games and anime. So find girls who similarly like video games and anime. They exist.
3. Develop some more hobbies. Expand your horizons. Make yourself even more awesome. So maybe you decide to get involved in the SCA and take up swordfighting. Or maybe you join the gamelan ensemble at your college. Or learn an instrument. Or learn to dance. Or join the Quiddich team...especially good is something that involves interaction with other people.
4. Make sure you know about what is happening in the world so you can make small talk about things that are not your hobbies. Know what is on TV a little. Know what is happening on the radio a little. Know what is happening in the news a little. In sports a little. Be interested in the world around you...it makes you more interesting.
5. Work on your conversational skills. If you can converse with people that makes you attractive.
6. Give those girls who are compatible with you and who are nice but not supermodels...give them a chance. If you can't, then you've got some hypocrisy problems...and you'll need to work on that.

 

[LetalisK]

But I have issues in other ways. And that is what made the article stick out for me. I'm honest about it; I'm not particularly physically attractive. I don't have money, and likely never will. The only "distinguishing" thing about me is that my grades tend to be slightly better than average and that I don't really have to put in any effort to get Bs and As. I don't have an artistic bone in my body, my sense of humor is deader than Elvis.

Well, lucky for you, looks count for almost nothing for many many women. I can't tell you how many times I've seen smoking hot gorgeous women with the most fugly guys I've ever seen. It's really not that uncommon. Same thing with money. And I seriously doubt you don't have a sense of humor. You probably do, it's just probably more of the dead pan variety. Honestly, it's ridiculously easy to find women if you have the cajones to just ask a bunch of them out. Seriously, do it. What's the worst that happens? They say "No"? Big whoop. Plus there are a bunch of side benefits to this, but I won't go into that right now.

 

[Paragon Fury]

Be yourself really is a true statement, as much as it may seem cliche.

You can't swing a dead cat on this planet without finding a girl who likes you for who you are, and they're 99% of the time attractive to you.

I think he's been overly dramatic, but I think your statement is somewhat... unlikely.

Very unlikely.