Debate; Modern technology and networking has made dating/relationships harder instead of easier?

[Paragon Fury]

So while on break at work today I was reading some of the opinion pieces that pop-up on MSN from time to time. This one happened to be about modern day relationships and dating, and the idea that modern technologies and features like Facebook, Tinder, dating sites etc. have actually made modern relationships worse and harder, not better. The one line that I thought might be most relevant to a discussion was this;

"Modern dating has only gotten harder not only for men, but also for women.

Men now have to deal with competition that effectively encompasses anyone who can operate a computer long enough to create an account, while now dealing with the fact that women have an easy, hands-on way of rejecting them and other men en-masse - that's after they get over the masses of spam bots (who likely outnumber living humans at this point) trying to take the personal information of the desperate and unwary alike.

Women are doubly hurt by such new systems, as sites like Tinder and Facebook provide a never-ending parade of likes, upvotes and swipes to feed into the worst bits of narcissism and selfie culture that exist today.

And while of course now nearly any women who can operate the filter on her camera can basically scroll and pick and reject mates left and right like some Queen or Princess of old, in doing so they expose themselves to every man (and woman) of ill intent or plain vile character out there; which it does not appear to be entirely uncommon, judging by the horror stories readily available on or about nearly any site."

I feel like I'm going to keep my personal opinion out of this one, at least to start, lest I poison the well.

 

[Saelune]

The biggest obstacle to relationships are the people in them. Like, maybe try to find relationships with people who would get along with? I never understood the idea of finding love in a bar.

Seems alot easier to find a good partner when you can know if they share interests with you before you even talk to them.

Maybe dont decide just on appearance, but interests? Oh, you both are passionate about films? You both enjoy gaming? You both like mountain climbing, cooking, skiing, theater, sports, world travelling, etc...

Way easier than just walking up to some random attractive person and hoping they will even give you their name.

 

[Gethsemani_v1legacy]

Saelune nailed it in the first reply. Dating aids (apps, social media, websites, etc.) are just that, aids. If you don't know what you want out of a relationship in the first place it doesn't matter how many aids you have to help you find people to date.

There's also the age old problem of why people date: Some are looking for long-term commitment, some are looking for intermediate term commitment with a "let's see if it works"-attitude, some just like the process of flirting and dating, some are in it to find a sexual partner (a "friend with benefit") and some are just in it to find temporary sexual partners. For some of these, dating aids have really switched up the process, especially those looking for short flings, the perpetual daters and those looking for sexual partners, because these are people that have a high turnover rate of partners and who the dating aids allow an almost unlimited pool of new potential partners to (potentially) perpetuate the cycle with.

For the people looking for a steady relationship? Nah, dating aids haven't made it harder. For them, it is essentially the other way around. Now they have a large pool of people to pick from, increasing the chances that they'll find someone they will hit it off with.

 

[Baffle]

I've been out of the dating pool more or less forever (11th wedding anniversary incoming - probably string or something like that), but are apps like Tinder really how most people are dating these days? That's not a judgement, I'm curious - we didn't have them when I were a lad, we just wrote our phone numbers on toilet walls and hoped for the best.

Saying that, I was on campus the other day and it learned me how incredibly old I actually am (I'm not, they're all tiny children).

 

[Parasondox]

Well, yes and no. If you are a shy person and arent the kind of person to approach random people, this would help.

However, I have noticed this in city/urban areas, if you speak to a stranger or someone you like the look of, they would often think you are a creep, weirdo or killer rapist. If you ever do speak to them, this is strange to me, some would only communicate with you more if you have social media. If you don't, then its a bye bye.

I'm from an island of 5,000 people so talking is normal to me and open to a chat. Damn islander me.

 

[Dreiko_v1legacy]

It depends on who you're referring to. It's made it easier for people with poor social skills who don't bother dating, since now they can meet each-other. It also has made it harder for those who did date in the ye-olde ages too, because they are not quite as technologically literate and fall into the traps that the more versed people know to avoid.

 

[Phasmal]

Well, not specific to dating websites or apps but I mean online gaming helped me find people who had similar interests to me and that's how I ended up with Boyfriend (though I guess it's Fiance now? I've never liked that word though).
So in that way I think it's made it a lot easier. I suppose it's harder if you look just at "people I could potentially date" and not "people I have shared interests with". While yeah it's easier to get rejected it's also easier to meet new people. I don't see the problem personally, but I've also not been single in a long time so I'm not really qualified to say anything about the dating scene.

And while of course now nearly any women who can operate the filter on her camera can basically scroll and pick and reject mates left and right like some Queen or Princess of old

I read this bit like five times. What a weird thing to say. I know you didn't write it but still. Like. Eh?
Ah yes, a woman rejecting a dude, how decadent, how like a queen.
"Not this dick-pic, squire, bring me another."

 

[McElroy]

The stereotype goes: a man's worst fear is that their date turns out to be fat, a woman fears hers is actually a serial killer. Online dating services have an air of potential abuse as the article implies, especially towards women as men don't share those thoughts similarly. Like, the thought of a stalker is rarely too scary for a guy. Cyberstalking isn't even too illegal... or hard.

I agree with Gethsemani on dating being more varied than ever, but it could be a "bad" thing too as I don't think people are willing to make big changes to their plans over a face on the internet. I literally unmatched a girl on Tinder today even though she messaged me because she clearly wants a long-term relationship and I don't (and I don't want to disappoint her). She had a big nose too.

Maybe don't decide just on appearance, but interests?

Ignorance is bliss, but imagine how bad it would feel if they were willing to lower their standards for physical attraction just for you because of your personality, but you turned them down since your standards are a little bit higher.

 

[Baffle]

It depends on who you're referring to. It's made it easier for people with poor social skills who don't bother dating, since now they can meet each-other. It also has made it harder for those who did date in the ye-olde ages too, because they are not quite as technologically literate and fall into the traps that the more versed people know to avoid.

That's a really strange correlation between age, social skills and technological prowess. I'm 35, not 300 - I'm sure I could use an app that requires me to swipe left or right. Indeed, just today I used my internet phone to upload music from The Amazon so I could listen to Vera Lynn while riding my penny farthing up the coast path.

 

[Baffle]

I guess it's Fiance now? I've never liked that word though

Just wait for another few years when people refer to him as your 'hubby'. Makes me want to tear my ears off. Well, their ears really, but I don't own those.

 

[Saelune]

The stereotype goes: a man's worst fear is that their date turns out to be fat, a woman fears hers is actually a serial killer. Online dating services have an air of potential abuse as the article implies, especially towards women as men don't share those thoughts similarly. Like, the thought of a stalker is rarely too scary for a guy. Cyberstalking isn't even too illegal... or hard.

I agree with Gethsemani on dating being more varied than ever, but it could be a "bad" thing too as I don't think people are willing to make big changes to their plans over a face on the internet. I literally unmatched a girl on Tinder today even though she messaged me because she clearly wants a long-term relationship and I don't (and I don't want to disappoint her). She had a big nose too.

Maybe don't decide just on appearance, but interests?

Ignorance is bliss, but imagine how bad it would feel if they were willing to lower their standards for physical attraction just for you because of your personality, but you turned them down since your standards are a little bit higher.

Im not exactly following, since in that instance, Im just a jerk.

As for your post not replying to me, these problems exist with or without dating apps and sites. And online dating gives you the safety to get to know a person as long as you dont run off to meet up as soon as you get paired or whatever.

 

[skywolfblue]

The biggest obstacle to relationships are the people in them. Like, maybe try to find relationships with people who would get along with? I never understood the idea of finding love in a bar.

Seems alot easier to find a good partner when you can know if they share interests with you before you even talk to them.

Maybe dont decide just on appearance, but interests? Oh, you both are passionate about films? You both enjoy gaming? You both like mountain climbing, cooking, skiing, theater, sports, world travelling, etc...

Way easier than just walking up to some random attractive person and hoping they will even give you their name.

Interests play a part, but I'd say character is the most important. Two people can share all the interests in the world, but if they are selfish then that relationship won't last long.

If a person is there just for a short term fling, getting dates has never been easier.

If a person is looking for a long-lasting relationship, then technology has made things harder. Technology has really put appearance first and foremost. The first and probably only thing they'll see is the Facebook or Tinder picture and that's all they're going to judge a person on. There's no room to demonstrate a compassionate side, or any of the stuff that actually makes a relationship work.

For all it's flaws, arranged marriages are doing better (lower divorce rate, higher martial happiness). Not that I'm advocating bringing arranged marriage back, but it does show how truly shallow the dating scene in the US is.

 

[The Rogue Wolf]

Dating: It ain't even worth it.

However, I have noticed this in city/urban areas, if you speak to a stranger or someone you like the look of, they would often think you are a creep, weirdo or killer rapist. If you ever do speak to them, this is strange to me, some would only communicate with you more if you have social media. If you don't, then its a bye bye.

One of the unspoken rules of urban living is "no speaking and no eye contact anywhere but approved public places like bars". Social media is "safer" since a creep can't follow you home from the subway there.

 

[Saelune]

The biggest obstacle to relationships are the people in them. Like, maybe try to find relationships with people who would get along with? I never understood the idea of finding love in a bar.

Seems alot easier to find a good partner when you can know if they share interests with you before you even talk to them.

Maybe dont decide just on appearance, but interests? Oh, you both are passionate about films? You both enjoy gaming? You both like mountain climbing, cooking, skiing, theater, sports, world travelling, etc...

Way easier than just walking up to some random attractive person and hoping they will even give you their name.

Interests play a part, but I'd say character is the most important. Two people can share all the interests in the world, but if they are selfish then that relationship won't last long.

If a person is there just for a short term fling, getting dates has never been easier.

If a person is looking for a long-lasting relationship, then technology has made things harder. Technology has really put appearance first and foremost. The first and probably only thing they'll see is the Facebook or Tinder picture and that's all they're going to judge a person on. There's no room to demonstrate a compassionate side, or any of the stuff that actually makes a relationship work.

For all it's flaws, arranged marriages are doing better (lower divorce rate, higher martial happiness). Not that I'm advocating bringing arranged marriage back, but it does show how truly shallow the dating scene in the US is.

Well yeah, but thats step 3 when dating from a Bar, isnt it? Im not arguing that online dating is perfect, but I am arguing that it is better than the heavily flawed methods prior to.

And again, it is up to individuals, but still, a photo lets you put forward the foot you want. I dont recommend lying or photoshopping your pictures, but getting that best shot of yourself at your better seems reasonable. "I can be this attractive". And personally, as a trans person, me at my worst and me at my best is probably a bigger difference than others.

And people can make it clear they want long term relationships, that may help. People just need to acknowledge that that doesnt mean you have to immediately seal the deal with the first person to accept.

Im not a fling person, so literally anyone I date, I do so with the hope of them being my love until death. But that doesnt mean I determine the success of that after one date. The whole point of dating is to figure out if we work well together or not.

People are impatient, selfish and vain, but that is the fault of people, not technology. People blame technology alot for creating flaws in people when really it just puts a lens on the flaws people always had.

 

[Phasmal]

I guess it's Fiance now? I've never liked that word though

Just wait for another few years when people refer to him as your 'hubby'. Makes me want to tear my ears off. Well, their ears really, but I don't own those.

...Y'know that was something I hadn't even considered until now. Oh god what have we put in motion.
Hubby is a truly terrible word.

 

[Fiz_The_Toaster]

Modern technology has also helped people find each other, too. Thar be two sides to this, matey.

Anyways, I think dating apps are silly to begin with, and I find them rather shallow. I mean, sure, you can say what you're into and all that, but that person can also lie about it. Then again, it really depends on what each person wants out of the app or whatever network that they are using to find someone. There are people that are seriously looking for people, and if you are in a huge city then it's gonna be hard because of the "unwritten rules" of that city. I mean, if I'm at a bar and I just want to sit and have a few beers, chances are, I may not want to talk to some stranger.

I will say I think it would be helpful for people that have a hard time talking with other people, and using an online service is perfect.

Well, not specific to dating websites or apps but I mean online gaming helped me find people who had similar interests to me and that's how I ended up with Boyfriend (though I guess it's Fiance now? I've never liked that word though).
So in that way I think it's made it a lot easier. I suppose it's harder if you look just at "people I could potentially date" and not "people I have shared interests with". While yeah it's easier to get rejected it's also easier to meet new people. I don't see the problem personally, but I've also not been single in a long time so I'm not really qualified to say anything about the dating scene.

And while of course now nearly any women who can operate the filter on her camera can basically scroll and pick and reject mates left and right like some Queen or Princess of old

I read this bit like five times. What a weird thing to say. I know you didn't write it but still. Like. Eh?
Ah yes, a woman rejecting a dude, how decadent, how like a queen.
"Not this dick-pic, squire, bring me another."

What? You simply don't get to 'Dickpicstiem' and gather the best from there?

You run your squires hard, madam.

 

[RaikuFA]

I met my first serious girlfriend on a dating website. Did not end well. I have to use these sites/apps because I don't know of any bars or even people who can introduce me to a girl nor do I know of any parties or have ever been to one. I'm that one guy that refuses to talk to people yet I hate being alone and wisb I could do stuff like a group date.

Yeah it sucks I can't get a date despite using my best picture but it's better than shooting in the dark.

 

[Dreiko_v1legacy]

It depends on who you're referring to. It's made it easier for people with poor social skills who don't bother dating, since now they can meet each-other. It also has made it harder for those who did date in the ye-olde ages too, because they are not quite as technologically literate and fall into the traps that the more versed people know to avoid.

That's a really strange correlation between age, social skills and technological prowess. I'm 35, not 300 - I'm sure I could use an app that requires me to swipe left or right. Indeed, just today I used my internet phone to upload music from The Amazon so I could listen to Vera Lynn while riding my penny farthing up the coast path.

The social skills part was not related to the age part.


Your age group is well within what I'd consider the young folks, I was more talking about older people.

 

[Kolby Jack]

Honesty time: I signed up for some online matchmaking services a few months ago, and I've basically already given up on them. It's not really a problem with the service, but just that I'm still not even sure I want a relationship (the sign-up was very spur of the moment and exploratory). I think I mostly signed up because I'm sitting here, 27 years old, never been on a date let alone had sex, thinking "that... shouldn't be fine, right?"

I've thought through all the various reasons for being the way I am, of course. I'm shy. I'm a loser. I'm just a loner. I'm happier on my own. None of them seem to encapsulate the whole scenario perfectly. I'm certainly not UNhappy, but I feel like I COULD be happier... maybe?

So, maybe I'll die alone. Who knows?

 

[Thaluikhain]

Eh, people aren't being forced to use dating apps, AFAIK. And while there are some serious problems with some of them, women rejecting men isn't one of them.