I feel like my life is pretty hopeless. It really has been in a downward spiral since highschool.
Some background that has been a cloud over my life for quite some time. In highschool I got stabbed in the back (literally) and when I got scanned to see if there was any leftover glass in the wound (broken bottle) they found that my kidneys were enlarged. I was diagnosed with polycystic kidney disease. It really isn't a fun disease, I have to take medications that make me want to go to the bathroom every hour or so; you can imagine how it makes doing things difficult. Also the meds/ kidney problem throw off my electrolyte balance so I constantly get very painful muscle spasms/cramps. There really isn't any medical cure besides transplant. I don't know why but since I learned about it I've always thought that I could never get a transplant. I don't know why but there is something in the back of my mind that says "A lot of people die each year waiting for a kidney, who are you to have your life saved and not theirs?" So if I don't get a transplant my expected life is very early 30's; and being almost 26 yea.... I don't know if it's because I found out that you have to be under a certain weight to even be eligible for a transplant or I'm just blaming, but since then I've steadily heaped on my poundage.
Anyways I guess the true tailspin began when I completely tanked my first two years in college. I pretty much chose a workload that was impossible, my first semester was Japanese I, Calculus II, Organic Chemistry, and Biology. While I did better my last two years I'm pretty much forever haunted by a terrible GPA. I had very few friends in college, primarily because my family is low-mid class and we just couldn't afford housing me in a dorm, and living an hour+ away was just impossible to make friends. Eventually I scrounged up 4-5 friends by my junior year, but an incident happened that caused a deep schism between my friends and I took the side of one friend I got alienated by the rest. After college I tried to apply to various masters programs, teach for america etc. I got flat out rejected because my GPA was just under most cutoffs. I pretty much made my bachelor's degree completely useless.
I decided that my only viable option was to go abroad and apply to med school (lower standards). It was a struggle living in a foreign place completely alone, and I was really homesick. Because of this paired with the difficulty of med school I struggled a bit. I barely managed to keep myself together and started to get panic attacks. I had a really hard time and reached out to the one friend I had left to try and turn things around. Things turned around for maybe 2-3 months, I was hanging out with a girl who I was interested in and she showed interested in me. I was exercising and eating right. But then it all came crashing down when a teacher who wasn't a fan of mine got me for a final exam and he flat out failed me even though I got most of the questions correct (I did better than some other students who passed). I was insanely depressed, but I had the silver lining of the girl I liked. I wasn't going to give up and I planned to join what was sort of a last chance make up program in the school. I told the girl and she said she was happy that I chose not to give up. I went home for the summer and studied really hard so I could make the program. I talked with the girl for a couple of hours each day during the summer and we planned to go out on what was going to be our first date when we got back to school. She texted me the place and time. I went there and waited for hours, I texted her every hour and I was like hey what's up I'm waiting? And she would text back, really sorry I'm going to be on my way I'm held up at X place." I think I waited from 3pm-10pm like an idiot. I still don't really know what happened, she never talked to me again or responded to my texts. I asked her friend what was up and her friend said that she had met someone else and had went with the other person out of town on a trip that day.
I was crushed and bombed the make up program. After this and pretty much failing out of med school after 2 years my mind just snapped. I went and bought a rope, made a noose and just sat in my room crying with the lights off for hours. I contacted the one friend from college that I had left. I wanted to say goodbye and asked her if she could take care of a couple of personal items after I was gone. I ended up drinking a lot to get up the courage and I guess I drank too much and passed out. I ended up contacting the friend and saying that I wasn't able to go through with it, and she was upset that I didn't go through with it and she didn't want to be my friend anymore.
Since then I've moved back to the states / moved into my parent's attic, I went back to school and I'm doing ok, but I've just been in an eternal depression. I still have nightmares about my experience abroad, my health is still poor both due to kidneys and weight. I haven't had a single friend for two or so years. Before my summer break my teacher said she was going to have a fulltime job in a lab for me, but that fell through because the person who was supposed to quit didn't. And I ended up getting stuck with a part time job as a busboy/stocker on the weekends. I pretty much spend my days alone, my parents went on vacation, and when the banquet hall doesn't need me I've gone like 2 weeks without talking to another living soul. And even when my parents are around they pretty much don't get along with me, they see me as their failure and don't want anything to do with me. Tomorrow is my cousin's graduation party, and I asked my parent's what time the party would be, and they told me I wasn't welcome.
I really don't know what I'm doing anymore or where I'm going. And with my life quickly ticking away I just feel hopeless. I really don't think there is much left, except for me to dredge on until I die.
