Describe your current thoughts on your life

[Casual Shinji]

I'm 29 years old, and I don't have a job or an education. I'm basically stuck providing support for my parents with whom I still live.
I don't have any friends and never had a relationship, and this is unlikely the change anytime soon, because the longer time goes by, the more I get isolated from my own generation.

I've wasted the best years of my life being an awkward smuck, which I still am. I have no prospects for the future and the only skill I have which gives me the slightest bit of self-worth (drawing) is quickly deteriorating.

I can usually stave off the feeling of utter despair when realizing my position, but sometimes it sneaks in there... Like now.

 

[ReadyAmyFire]

Warning depression ahead; there is most likely absolutely nothing redeemable ahead, read at your own peril:

Spoiler

I feel like my life is pretty hopeless. It really has been in a downward spiral since highschool.
Some background that has been a cloud over my life for quite some time. In highschool I got stabbed in the back (literally) and when I got scanned to see if there was any leftover glass in the wound (broken bottle) they found that my kidneys were enlarged. I was diagnosed with polycystic kidney disease. It really isn't a fun disease, I have to take medications that make me want to go to the bathroom every hour or so; you can imagine how it makes doing things difficult. Also the meds/ kidney problem throw off my electrolyte balance so I constantly get very painful muscle spasms/cramps. There really isn't any medical cure besides transplant. I don't know why but since I learned about it I've always thought that I could never get a transplant. I don't know why but there is something in the back of my mind that says "A lot of people die each year waiting for a kidney, who are you to have your life saved and not theirs?" So if I don't get a transplant my expected life is very early 30's; and being almost 26 yea.... I don't know if it's because I found out that you have to be under a certain weight to even be eligible for a transplant or I'm just blaming, but since then I've steadily heaped on my poundage.

Anyways I guess the true tailspin began when I completely tanked my first two years in college. I pretty much chose a workload that was impossible, my first semester was Japanese I, Calculus II, Organic Chemistry, and Biology. While I did better my last two years I'm pretty much forever haunted by a terrible GPA. I had very few friends in college, primarily because my family is low-mid class and we just couldn't afford housing me in a dorm, and living an hour+ away was just impossible to make friends. Eventually I scrounged up 4-5 friends by my junior year, but an incident happened that caused a deep schism between my friends and I took the side of one friend I got alienated by the rest. After college I tried to apply to various masters programs, teach for america etc. I got flat out rejected because my GPA was just under most cutoffs. I pretty much made my bachelor's degree completely useless.

I decided that my only viable option was to go abroad and apply to med school (lower standards). It was a struggle living in a foreign place completely alone, and I was really homesick. Because of this paired with the difficulty of med school I struggled a bit. I barely managed to keep myself together and started to get panic attacks. I had a really hard time and reached out to the one friend I had left to try and turn things around. Things turned around for maybe 2-3 months, I was hanging out with a girl who I was interested in and she showed interested in me. I was exercising and eating right. But then it all came crashing down when a teacher who wasn't a fan of mine got me for a final exam and he flat out failed me even though I got most of the questions correct (I did better than some other students who passed). I was insanely depressed, but I had the silver lining of the girl I liked. I wasn't going to give up and I planned to join what was sort of a last chance make up program in the school. I told the girl and she said she was happy that I chose not to give up. I went home for the summer and studied really hard so I could make the program. I talked with the girl for a couple of hours each day during the summer and we planned to go out on what was going to be our first date when we got back to school. She texted me the place and time. I went there and waited for hours, I texted her every hour and I was like hey what's up I'm waiting? And she would text back, really sorry I'm going to be on my way I'm held up at X place." I think I waited from 3pm-10pm like an idiot. I still don't really know what happened, she never talked to me again or responded to my texts. I asked her friend what was up and her friend said that she had met someone else and had went with the other person out of town on a trip that day.

I was crushed and bombed the make up program. After this and pretty much failing out of med school after 2 years my mind just snapped. I went and bought a rope, made a noose and just sat in my room crying with the lights off for hours. I contacted the one friend from college that I had left. I wanted to say goodbye and asked her if she could take care of a couple of personal items after I was gone. I ended up drinking a lot to get up the courage and I guess I drank too much and passed out. I ended up contacting the friend and saying that I wasn't able to go through with it, and she was upset that I didn't go through with it and she didn't want to be my friend anymore.

Since then I've moved back to the states / moved into my parent's attic, I went back to school and I'm doing ok, but I've just been in an eternal depression. I still have nightmares about my experience abroad, my health is still poor both due to kidneys and weight. I haven't had a single friend for two or so years. Before my summer break my teacher said she was going to have a fulltime job in a lab for me, but that fell through because the person who was supposed to quit didn't. And I ended up getting stuck with a part time job as a busboy/stocker on the weekends. I pretty much spend my days alone, my parents went on vacation, and when the banquet hall doesn't need me I've gone like 2 weeks without talking to another living soul. And even when my parents are around they pretty much don't get along with me, they see me as their failure and don't want anything to do with me. Tomorrow is my cousin's graduation party, and I asked my parent's what time the party would be, and they told me I wasn't welcome.

I really don't know what I'm doing anymore or where I'm going. And with my life quickly ticking away I just feel hopeless. I really don't think there is much left, except for me to dredge on until I die.

dude... i need friends. just to chill and game and stuff. and i really would like to be your friend. add me?

3 way hug?

Apart from feeling a bit lonely every now and again I can't complain. I'm two years into my degree and second in my class, building a good rapport with the lecturers and professional relationships with my classmates while managing to make being a student financially profitable. I have a fantastic family, brilliant parents who could have lived a middle-class lifestyle had they not sank every penny into giving my sister and I the best start in life. I'm healthy, secure in myself, good looking enough to get by, and have a great rack.

 

[JoesshittyOs]

snip.

I had a whiny post about getting jipped out of a job, but I deleted that when I saw this. That's pretty fucking terrible. I will say to just keep on keeping on. Doctors have been know to talk out of their ass in times like these. I know I have absolutely nothing to say that will make you feel better, but it's just a shitty moment in life that you're going through. I've had a depression before, and it forces you to relish on the crap and ignore the good.

We're still young, and your life hasn't even started yet. If your parents are gonna treat you like that, just work as hard as you can to get out of the house and start out on your own.

Edit: Fuck it, I'll sneak a little self pity for myself in.

I recently got my first job ever after looking for one for nearly a year. Just a pizza delivery boy, but I was happy because I was gonna be working at a store right next to where my good friend works. I'd been excepted into the job, got most of the training complete and was ready for my first day of work. Forgetting what time I was supposed to come in, I call in to ask.... only to be told that the job was given away to someone else. Because I had missed my first day of work. Which was a week ago.

I was really to shocked to explain that I had innocently heard the wrong date, but it just came out of nowhere. For a week, I had been out of this job. They didn't think to call me on the day I had missed and ask me where I was. Not once during that week did they call me to tell me I was out of a job.

It took me calling in for them to tell me that I no longer worked there. Pretty great start to my first job. You know that feeling where something great is about to happen in your life, and it's taken away and you aren't at all surprised about it? Yeah, that was me for the past few days. 19, living at home, and I have twenty dollars in my bank account, living off whatever my parents decide to throw my way. I'm really loving that self image. And seeing as how I smoked weed in celebration of getting the job, I'm gonna have to wait a few more weeks before applying anywhere else.

But hell, I got accepted into the EMT program. Let's see if I can find a way to screw this up.

 

[Eveonline100]

Ohhh man. This is one of those things that generally doesn't treat me too well, due to the fact that I've been quite self-deprecating up to this point. But you know what? The first part of solving the problem is facing it, so let's face the fire.

In short, I didn't hit rock bottom. Instead, I tunneled underneath to a point where now the only way to go is up. I've been at the bottom of a pint with ten more in my stomach, and I've been at the wrong side of a loaded gun, with my finger on the trigger. I've overdosed and found myself in some very dark places, and I've crawled out of two auto accidents. I wear a metaphorical and semi-literal mask to cover it up, hiding in plain sight for many years. My friends are no strangers to misfortune either, one having $15,000 taken from him by his deadbeat parents. We're prisoners, and our job now is to set up our escape.

I don't have high self-esteem, I'm in terrible shape, I work a dead-end job where I don't get paid nearly enough, and I drive a car which literally stabs me in the back when I drive it. My schooling is not going well, I tend to swing violently between manic and depressive states, and I've attempted suicide TWICE. I'm trying to get help but I need to figure out what I'm going to say in a manner that doesn't make me look like someone that belongs in a straightjacket. It's a challenging position.

It sucks.

try to find a support group and says you need help. Truthfully(besides the fact that from the sound of it you desperately need it) thats really all that you can do. Their is isn't any shame to say that or alternatively put you in a straightjacket(word of advice most trained professionals can determine between people those who have a lot of issues and those who are insane{ and they tend to be the ones who wind up in straightjackets}) is unlikely. Honestly best of luck to you and hope you get around to improving your life.