Do you think relationships between close friends can work (and am I in the friend-zone)?

[JagermanXcell]

I started getting to know a girl in December, possibly the most amazing person I know. She's funny, kind, really quirky, gorgeous (in my opinion) and we get on really well. I know I've only really been friends with her for a couple of months, but in that time we've become very close, and I'd actually class her as one of my three best friends.

Trouble is, I have feelings for her. She found out that I had a crush on her during December, and felt bad because she thought she had led me on by accident on New Year's Eve - but I convinced her that I no longer felt that way, and since then we've just become even better friends. Unfortunately, I think I may be now in love with her.

Don't go on about how 'you can't love someone after 2 months' or 'it's just lust' and things like that. I know how I feel - it's definitely not lust, I don't think there has been a single waking hour since I realised how much I like her that she hasn't crossed my mind at least once. Just trust that I have very strong feelings for her.

She has only been in two relationships before, and they were both with guys she didn't know very well. They also both ended badly after a month. She seems to go through phases where she believes that a relationship with a close friend would be amazing, and then also phases where she finds the concept really weird. I'm not even going to try to understand her, she's far too complex, and doesn't fit the stereotypes that many girls do.

Do you think she could change her mind for the better? She agreed that relationships with friends last the longest, and are the best. Is this a good sign? I definitely don't think she likes me at the minute, but I don't think she likes anyone at the minute. Do you think I've been friendzoned? And do you think that relationships between good friends can work?

If you want more details, just ask.

I know how you feel bro, I'm literally in the SAME EXACT SITUATION you're in.
The only difference is that she has a boyfriend. Note: The boyfriend is an emotional wreck that cheated on her twice, she herself told me, sounds like she's looking to get with someone she can trust (Me) and she hints at it constantly.
So it would seem that we're both in a bit of a snag. :/

OT: Don't let your confidence or fear get the best of you. If you have feelings for her, tell her.
Its better to be honest then to keep those unhealthy emotions bottled up inside.
Who knows she might even feel the same way by the sound of it.

So can close friends relationships work? Hell yeah. No matter what people say, I believe it is 100% possible, I also believe those are the ones that can last a lifetime.

 

[Darken12]

1) that is sooo ridiculous. do you personally do stuff like this? what if they just refuse to answer rather than outright lying, have i been half-betrayed?

I strive to be completely honest with my friends, so I've never found myself in the situation where someone asked me if I had anything to hide. From the other side, I've done it a few times before when it was very important for me. I wouldn't do it for a triviality. And if they refuse to answer, then they aren't half-betraying you, they're being shitty friends and you have a right to feel annoyed.

This is really not as shocking as you make it out to be, and I think you're just grasping at things to be scandalised about.

2) um the tone in ur first post made it seem like the primary reason for the OP to distance himself from the girl was because of his potentially "predatory" behaviour, and not this clearly less crazy idea of simply finding another girl.

Yes, I do think that he should distance himself on principle to avoid giving off the impression of being creepy, I consider finding another relationship a second step in the process. Right now, the girl could be justified in assuming he lied to her all along in an attempt to emotionally manipulate her into a relationship and the best way to disprove that is by distancing himself from her (and then finding another girl).

3) by "... words usually used to describe ...", I meant "predator"

Yes, I know. And I'm telling you I thought my meaning would be evident from the way I was using the word. I wasn't using it to mean "rapist" but "shady person who emotionally manipulates others to get what he wants." I consider both instances valid uses of the word predatory, but you clearly don't.

4) lol u said predator/ory 5 times in that one post. I edited my post (#80) to say "all instances of" after but i guess you quoted me before then, oh well. Didnt mean to say u werent already using creepy and uncomfortable, i meant that it seemed ridiculous to jump from those adjectives to "predator" when in reality, OP is just trying to hang around this girl without spaghetti falling out of his pockets everywhere.

Well, I personally think that predatory is a word that can be used to describe a spectrum of conduct, from something relatively mild to the extreme. I think that if a person lies and pretends to be another person's friend in order to have sex with them, that is predatory behaviour, even if there isn't rape, kidnapping or anything of the sort, because they are seeing their target not as a person with feelings, but as a conquest.

i still dont get why u think its a big deal to not tell everything u feel just cuz someone asks. but then again i would never be in this situation in the first place, being anti-whiteknight and all

Uh, because you are continuously lying to your friend? I don't know, maybe I just have different standards for friendship than you do. I don't consider that any relationship (friendship included) can be built on lies. I also don't extend the name "friend" to just about anyone. I have very few friends. Lots of acquaintances, but very few friends, and I treasure them very dearly.

 

[theparsonski]

1) that is sooo ridiculous. do you personally do stuff like this? what if they just refuse to answer rather than outright lying, have i been half-betrayed?

I strive to be completely honest with my friends, so I've never found myself in the situation where someone asked me if I had anything to hide. From the other side, I've done it a few times before when it was very important for me. I wouldn't do it for a triviality. And if they refuse to answer, then they aren't half-betraying you, they're being shitty friends and you have a right to feel annoyed.

This is really not as shocking as you make it out to be, and I think you're just grasping at things to be scandalised about.

2) um the tone in ur first post made it seem like the primary reason for the OP to distance himself from the girl was because of his potentially "predatory" behaviour, and not this clearly less crazy idea of simply finding another girl.

Yes, I do think that he should distance himself on principle to avoid giving off the impression of being creepy, I consider finding another relationship a second step in the process. Right now, the girl could be justified in assuming he lied to her all along in an attempt to emotionally manipulate her into a relationship and the best way to disprove that is by distancing himself from her (and then finding another girl).

3) by "... words usually used to describe ...", I meant "predator"

Yes, I know. And I'm telling you I thought my meaning would be evident from the way I was using the word. I wasn't using it to mean "rapist" but "shady person who emotionally manipulates others to get what he wants." I consider both instances valid uses of the word predatory, but you clearly don't.

4) lol u said predator/ory 5 times in that one post. I edited my post (#80) to say "all instances of" after but i guess you quoted me before then, oh well. Didnt mean to say u werent already using creepy and uncomfortable, i meant that it seemed ridiculous to jump from those adjectives to "predator" when in reality, OP is just trying to hang around this girl without spaghetti falling out of his pockets everywhere.

Well, I personally think that predatory is a word that can be used to describe a spectrum of conduct, from something relatively mild to the extreme. I think that if a person lies and pretends to be another person's friend in order to have sex with them, that is predatory behaviour, even if there isn't rape, kidnapping or anything of the sort, because they are seeing their target not as a person with feelings, but as a conquest.

i still dont get why u think its a big deal to not tell everything u feel just cuz someone asks. but then again i would never be in this situation in the first place, being anti-whiteknight and all

Uh, because you are continuously lying to your friend? I don't know, maybe I just have different standards for friendship than you do. I don't consider that any relationship (friendship included) can be built on lies. I also don't extend the name "friend" to just about anyone. I have very few friends. Lots of acquaintances, but very few friends, and I treasure them very dearly.

I'm going to be honest with you here - you're coming across as extremely arrogant in some of these posts. You appear to regard yourself as some kind of friendship Batman, eternal defender of the good and true etc. Now, I get that you're a flawless friend, and you would never ever make any kind of mistake or tell any kind of lie (even if it was to protect the feelings of both parties), but not everybody is like you. People make mistakes, people act in irrational and weak ways. We aren't all like you in that regard.

Now, you seem to say that my actions could be construed as those of somebody who is trying to emotionally manipulate this girl to get her into bed. First of all, I just want to reiterate that I would never manipulate this girl, not in the way you say. I do not class keeping quiet about my feelings because I don't want to ruin my friendship as 'manipulation'. I'm not treating her as anything more than a friend. In fact, what I've been trying to do is distance myself from the feelings as much as I can, however I have found that to be impossible. I promise you, when I tell her how I feel, she is not going to assume I was trying to get her to sleep with me, or anything along those lines.

I know you think that I was 'waiting until she comes around and realises how great I am', but nothing could be further from the truth. If I didn't value both her feelings and our friendship, I would tell her without a second thought. The thing that was stopping me was the fact that I don't want to ruin what we have. The vague possibility that something may have happened naturally in the future is there, of course, but that is definitely not what has stopped me from telling her how I feel.

 

[lechat]

go date another girl for a while. if she is in anyway interested in you when you get out of the relationship she will be ready

 

[Angie7F]

I think when someone says they think friendships lat longer blah blah blah, it just means they are not interested in you.
But sometimes being totally drunk and making "mistakes" can help people change their minds about someone they had no interest in.

 

[hutchy27]

I would say just go for it and if she stays, no move on. But I personally don't think that you should had lied about your feelings to her, by saying you didn't like her anymore.

Also by thinking that you're in the "friend-zone", by meaning that she only sees you as a friend and nothing more, well then telling her your feelings even if you crash and burn (which isn't too bad, you'll get over it) will make her possibly see you in the future as something more/other than a friend such as someone who is boyfriend material.

 

[hooblabla6262]

I've had great frienships turn in to great relationships. By far the most satisfying ones I've had.

I would advise that you take your shot.

 

[Fasckira]

Best call Kenny Logins because you're in the dangerzone [http://youtu.be/siwpn14IE7E], buddy.

 

[spartan231490]

I started getting to know a girl in December, possibly the most amazing person I know. She's funny, kind, really quirky, gorgeous (in my opinion) and we get on really well. I know I've only really been friends with her for a couple of months, but in that time we've become very close, and I'd actually class her as one of my three best friends.

Trouble is, I have feelings for her. She found out that I had a crush on her during December, and felt bad because she thought she had led me on by accident on New Year's Eve - but I convinced her that I no longer felt that way, and since then we've just become even better friends. Unfortunately, I think I may be now in love with her.

Don't go on about how 'you can't love someone after 2 months' or 'it's just lust' and things like that. I know how I feel - it's definitely not lust, I don't think there has been a single waking hour since I realised how much I like her that she hasn't crossed my mind at least once. Just trust that I have very strong feelings for her.

She has only been in two relationships before, and they were both with guys she didn't know very well. They also both ended badly after a month. She seems to go through phases where she believes that a relationship with a close friend would be amazing, and then also phases where she finds the concept really weird. I'm not even going to try to understand her, she's far too complex, and doesn't fit the stereotypes that many girls do.

Do you think she could change her mind for the better? She agreed that relationships with friends last the longest, and are the best. Is this a good sign? I definitely don't think she likes me at the minute, but I don't think she likes anyone at the minute. Do you think I've been friendzoned? And do you think that relationships between good friends can work?

If you want more details, just ask.

i think relationships between friends can work fine. However, she already found out that you had feelings for you, but you arent dating? instead you convinced her that you dont have feelings for her anymore? 1) that sounds like hardcore friendzone. 2) I would expect her to be a little upset when you tell her that you lied and actually do still have feelings for her.

then again, what the hell do I kmow, my track record with women is abysmal. I would go for it, good luck, and I hope I'm wrong on both counts.

 

[Ren_Li]

Most good, lasting, solid relationships consist of two very good friends. I'm not saying that they were friends first, but if you become friends first, then at least you know you're compatible in that manner. It gives you a stronger bond and a better understanding of each other.

As for being "friend-zoned"... Well, for the sake of avoiding arguments, let's classify "the friend zone" as being a sibling-like relationship with no potential for romantic or sexual attachment ever. And have you been friend-zoned?
Well... How should we know if she views you as a brother-type figure? Only you have access to the information to answer that question.

You say she's not interested in anyone right now. If that's for no reason, she's just not, then go for it. Tell her you're interested, DON'T pressure her, and DON'T let it change your friendship if she says no. Oh, and don't tell her how strongly you feel. That's scary shit if you don't feel the same.
If she has a reason to be uninterested- past relationships, stress, other life crap going on- then leave it for now.

(Just by the way, I've been in the opposite boat more than once.)

 

[Yuno Gasai]

I hate threads like this.

Not because you're asking for advice, or because you're struggling with a relationship issue.. but because we can't give you the answers you seek.

The only one who can answer whether or not you're in the friend zone is the girl you're into. Going to anyone else but her and expecting answers is a completely ridiculous idea. I don't understand why you don't just sit her down and talk to her about it?

OT: Yes, relationships between close friends can work. I honestly believe that the best relationships are formed from existing friendships. You already know each other and what you both expect and want from a relationship, so it becomes less about guesswork and more about actual compromise and making stuff happen.

Communication and trust are absolutely crucial, and if you're already close friends, then you've nailed it. Admittedly, the rules can differ very slightly (I have a few male friends who I would trust with my life, but who I would never trust not to cheat on me within a relationship) but they differ on an individual basis.

It all comes down to what's right for you, and how willing you both are to work on it. c:

 

[Mad Artillery]

This sounds like the inverse of what happened to me. I doubt it will work out. I was good friends with a girl for two years when I found out she had a crush on me. I really really tried and thought hard about it but couldn't bring up reciprocal feelings for her. It unfortunately also added some awkwardness to the friendship after that and a lasting friendship didn't last.

 

[blackrave]

"I don't want to ruin our friendship" is just a nice way of saying "I don't want to go out with you". If she is actually interested then she'll go for it.

So yeah, go nuts.

^this (so much this)
It is better to crash and burn to stay hanging forever (at least on the long term)
So take all your courage and intellect, think over the things you are going to say
Try it once or twice in front of the mirror
And go for it
BUT IN PERSON!!!
no phone, messages or mails
only in person
(find a nice spot in the park or something)
Worst case scenario?
Your illusions will be crushed (and that's always a good thing)

 

[Darken12]

I'm going to be honest with you here - you're coming across as extremely arrogant in some of these posts. You appear to regard yourself as some kind of friendship Batman, eternal defender of the good and true etc. Now, I get that you're a flawless friend, and you would never ever make any kind of mistake or tell any kind of lie (even if it was to protect the feelings of both parties), but not everybody is like you. People make mistakes, people act in irrational and weak ways. We aren't all like you in that regard.

I never said I'm flawless. I've made mistakes, but I've done my best to correct them as soon and as thoroughly as possible and not when it was most convenient for me.

Now, you seem to say that my actions could be construed as those of somebody who is trying to emotionally manipulate this girl to get her into bed. First of all, I just want to reiterate that I would never manipulate this girl, not in the way you say. I do not class keeping quiet about my feelings because I don't want to ruin my friendship as 'manipulation'. I'm not treating her as anything more than a friend. In fact, what I've been trying to do is distance myself from the feelings as much as I can, however I have found that to be impossible. I promise you, when I tell her how I feel, she is not going to assume I was trying to get her to sleep with me, or anything along those lines.

I get it, you don't need to keep reiterating your noble intentions. I got it, thanks. They have nothing to do with my argument whatsoever, as I have repeatedly stated that your actual intentions don't matter to the point I'm trying to make.

Distancing yourself from your feelings without actually doing something that would make them shift (reducing your contact with her, getting to know other people, opening yourself to the possibility of other relationships, etc.) is a doomed endeavour.

I know you think that I was 'waiting until she comes around and realises how great I am', but nothing could be further from the truth. If I didn't value both her feelings and our friendship, I would tell her without a second thought. The thing that was stopping me was the fact that I don't want to ruin what we have. The vague possibility that something may have happened naturally in the future is there, of course, but that is definitely not what has stopped me from telling her how I feel.

I understand this, but I still think that sparing someone a harsh truth because it might hurt them (or ruin their relationship with someone) isn't really a sound choice when such a truth is actually significantly important. Why don't you find out what she would like you to do? If she'd rather know no matter what, you really owe it to her to honour her preferences even if you don't really agree with them, as this is a matter that affects her too.

 

[ninjaRiv]

Go for it, man. If you two are really that close as friends you can laugh it off if she says no. What have you really got to lose? If she says no, you just need to focus on not focusing on that! Man, just do it. Forget reasons why and why not. Forget shit like that. Just do it. Do it. Do it. Fucking do it! And let us know how it works out.